Oh also. I've been stressing myself out even more than usual lately. A large part of me wants to move back to Canada. I miss *everything* and constantly I find myself pining to be there. I've even been online looking for cheap basement suite apartments and seeing if there are any vacancies in my hometown within the company I currently work for, so I could just move internally rather than starting a whole new job hunt. (unfortunately that won't happen as the branch we have in my hometown is in a different job/area of the business from the one I work in now, and they require a college degree and/or 2 years experience in the particular field for the job - neither of which I have)
But then again, if I did go back I'd be leaving behind my family here - particularly my aunt who is my best friend and second mother, my grandfather who is in heart failure and could die any day or live another ten years because who the fuck knows, not the doctors anyway. I'd have to deal with being homesick for my family and handful of friends over here, and also all of the fucking drama bullshit that comes with living in the same city as my mother and her asshole husband, who I cannot and have never been able to stand.
Maybe I should stop stressing and just see how my month over there goes. If I really REALLY want to stay... fuck it I don't know.
The ideal solution would be to get two flexible jobs and live 6 months there and 6 months here and just work both places so I have money and can actually pay my bills (luckily I have dual citizenship and can legally work both in the UK and Canada, so this is actually a feasible option, depending on how flexible potential employers are willing to be). But I doubt my current employer would go for that (they have a limit on taking a leave of absence for 3 consecutive months) and it'd be even harder to find another company in Canada that would.
Tuesday, 14 June 2011
Basically I fail at blogging
Yeah.
So I'm still here. Although by here I mean alive and in a physical sense. I haven't been on blogger in forever and haven't managed to keep up with your blogs anymore than I have my own. So, I feel bad about that.
Life is such a pain in the ass. I don't know... on the one hand, I could definitely have it worse. But on the other I'm constantly under stress. Home life, work life, personal-life, home-life-that-isn't-even-in-this-effing-country.
Wanna have a laugh? I went to my doctor several months ago about not being able to sleep and always being tired. It culminated in her giving me one of those shortform depression tests and then telling me I'm on the borderline but she doesn't think I'm depressed. Even though basically every day I have an internal monologue shouting how much I hate myself and my everything, and that though I'm not brave-stupid-strong enough to do anything to myself actively, I wouldn't be opposed to say, finding out too late that I have a brain tumour the size of a grapefruit and maybe three days to live.
Wait did I already blog about the doctor appointment before? I can't remember.
But this leads me nicely onto the fact that my headaches are maybe getting worse? I mean, for as long as I can remember I've suffered from migraines and headaches, but lately it seems like every other day I'm going to bed early with a belly full of painkillers and a cold wet cloth over my forehead because I'm in near constant agony. My grandmother keeps telling me to go to the doctor and that my paternal grandma (my dad's mom whom I never met) died of brain cancer (though she often changes this up to breast cancer when she presses me to tell my doctor I need to go for mammograms at 25 years old so who the fuck knows).
My doctor will just tell me, ohey be dehydrated less and sleep more and stress less and buy this over the counter migraine medication that only sometimes works and which I have already been using for eight or nine years.
One can hope.
Anyway, I had planned on just posting here as a quick update to say hi, I'm here, kind of. But as usual it turns into a whinefest of self-deprication and hatred.
Whatever.
I'll be back at some point, I'm sure. But I have no idea when. I just have no motivation for anything right now (oh the lulz, right now, as if I ever have), including keeping a blog about how much I hate everything but mostly me.
All that being said, I hope you are all well, and happy, and achieving your goals. But mostly happy.
Vee xox
So I'm still here. Although by here I mean alive and in a physical sense. I haven't been on blogger in forever and haven't managed to keep up with your blogs anymore than I have my own. So, I feel bad about that.
Life is such a pain in the ass. I don't know... on the one hand, I could definitely have it worse. But on the other I'm constantly under stress. Home life, work life, personal-life, home-life-that-isn't-even-in-this-effing-country.
Wanna have a laugh? I went to my doctor several months ago about not being able to sleep and always being tired. It culminated in her giving me one of those shortform depression tests and then telling me I'm on the borderline but she doesn't think I'm depressed. Even though basically every day I have an internal monologue shouting how much I hate myself and my everything, and that though I'm not brave-stupid-strong enough to do anything to myself actively, I wouldn't be opposed to say, finding out too late that I have a brain tumour the size of a grapefruit and maybe three days to live.
Wait did I already blog about the doctor appointment before? I can't remember.
But this leads me nicely onto the fact that my headaches are maybe getting worse? I mean, for as long as I can remember I've suffered from migraines and headaches, but lately it seems like every other day I'm going to bed early with a belly full of painkillers and a cold wet cloth over my forehead because I'm in near constant agony. My grandmother keeps telling me to go to the doctor and that my paternal grandma (my dad's mom whom I never met) died of brain cancer (though she often changes this up to breast cancer when she presses me to tell my doctor I need to go for mammograms at 25 years old so who the fuck knows).
My doctor will just tell me, ohey be dehydrated less and sleep more and stress less and buy this over the counter migraine medication that only sometimes works and which I have already been using for eight or nine years.
One can hope.
Anyway, I had planned on just posting here as a quick update to say hi, I'm here, kind of. But as usual it turns into a whinefest of self-deprication and hatred.
Whatever.
I'll be back at some point, I'm sure. But I have no idea when. I just have no motivation for anything right now (oh the lulz, right now, as if I ever have), including keeping a blog about how much I hate everything but mostly me.
All that being said, I hope you are all well, and happy, and achieving your goals. But mostly happy.
Vee xox
Monday, 7 February 2011
Meelodramatic? Maybe
Of all the things I have done in my life, this is by far the hardest.
I just hit the halfway point. I don't know if I can do this.
I just hit the halfway point. I don't know if I can do this.
Eeeugh
I actually feel sick now. Jesus Christ. I'm maybe a quarter to a third of the way through the bottle.
Crap
...Now I want quorn chilli and rice.
But no. I'm having a liquid fast week.
Only soup and lots of beverages. Whoo!
ps my mouth is still on fire. Thank god I'm not call taking today.
But no. I'm having a liquid fast week.
Only soup and lots of beverages. Whoo!
ps my mouth is still on fire. Thank god I'm not call taking today.
Bottom's Up
I just made the most disgusting looking concoction of ice cold water, lemon juice, ground cinnamon, cayenne and hot chilli powder – to boost my metabolism. And now I’m going to make myself drink it.
Ohmygodohmygodohmygod. Too much chilli powder. Aaaaagh. I can feel the spice in my sinuses and ear canals. Ffff.
Also might I add that I’m at work. Jesus I’m an idiot sometimes. Asdpihasbdapbsi my mouth and throat are on fire.
This had SO better be worth it.
Ohmygodohmygodohmygod. Too much chilli powder. Aaaaagh. I can feel the spice in my sinuses and ear canals. Ffff.
Also might I add that I’m at work. Jesus I’m an idiot sometimes. Asdpihasbdapbsi my mouth and throat are on fire.
This had SO better be worth it.
Wednesday, 12 January 2011
Twenty Eleven
5lbs down for the year so far. A decent start. I guess.
I have my monthly weigh in with the nurse at my GP on Friday. I’m oddly nervous.
On the one hand I don’t want the scales to show I haven’t lost enough weight for her liking. I don’t want to be a failure. I like that I have to be accountable for my weight to somebody else. It’s more motivating than doing this just for me, if that makes any sense at all. But on the other hand, I don’t want her to become concerned if I’ve lost weight too fast either. I can’t remember what I weighed at my last weigh in, just what I was near the beginning of the year. So I’m not sure how much I’ve lost in the last four weeks. I also don’t like somebody outside of my circle of trust and control and anonymity knowing my exact numbers to the nearest tenth of a kilogram.
Sigh. I just don’t even know. 5lbs of loss in under 2 weeks doesn’t feel good enough to me. But it’s a start, I guess.
So, what else? I probably have a lot of catching up to do but everything seems insignificant right now. It’s not that there’s anything profound playing on my mind or anything, it’s just the same old, same old.
This week I booked a month off work this summer to go back home for Canada to visit. Originally it was going to be for 2 weeks but it was only £50 more expensive for four, so I’m going for it. I’ll be broke (I have a Cruise in October to save up for as well =/) but at least I’ll be there.
Guh I’m so effing exhausted, but I’m gonna try to get my head into my work so the day doesn’t drag. All I want is to be back home in bed right now. I’ve had a viral chest infection for well over a month now, and more recently a cold on top of it. I feel miserable and just want to curl up with my hot water bottle and sleep it away. Sleep my life away.
So. There you go, a quick update. I’m going to go try to find some coffee now. I’m supposed to be going to the pub at lunch with some friends from work, but I don’t want to break my decent streak so far this week (Monday all I ate was some salad in the evening so negligible calories, yesterday I had a blueberry muffin after work for a total 300ish calories) so I’m probably going to tell them I’m sick and don’t want food and just get a diet pepsi to sip instead.
Saturday night we’re supposed to be getting pizza and having a little birthday “not-party” for my aunt’s new friend in the psych ward she’s confined to (did I ever write to tell you guys that my aunt has been living in the psych ward for the past nearly 4 months?). It’s this other woman’s birthday but she has nobody and isn’t allowed leave so we’re going up there. Or, we’re meant to be. I might skip out and just stay home where I can starve in peace.
I should probably hate that this is making me an even more solitary creature but honestly I just don’t even care. I just want to be left alone. My online friends are enough company for me right now, and even some of them I’m getting annoyed with. A two hour skype session with my best friend and his family is enough social interaction for the week. God, how lame do I sound right now?
Whatever.
Back to work. Stay beautiful, dolls.
Vee xox
I have my monthly weigh in with the nurse at my GP on Friday. I’m oddly nervous.
On the one hand I don’t want the scales to show I haven’t lost enough weight for her liking. I don’t want to be a failure. I like that I have to be accountable for my weight to somebody else. It’s more motivating than doing this just for me, if that makes any sense at all. But on the other hand, I don’t want her to become concerned if I’ve lost weight too fast either. I can’t remember what I weighed at my last weigh in, just what I was near the beginning of the year. So I’m not sure how much I’ve lost in the last four weeks. I also don’t like somebody outside of my circle of trust and control and anonymity knowing my exact numbers to the nearest tenth of a kilogram.
Sigh. I just don’t even know. 5lbs of loss in under 2 weeks doesn’t feel good enough to me. But it’s a start, I guess.
So, what else? I probably have a lot of catching up to do but everything seems insignificant right now. It’s not that there’s anything profound playing on my mind or anything, it’s just the same old, same old.
This week I booked a month off work this summer to go back home for Canada to visit. Originally it was going to be for 2 weeks but it was only £50 more expensive for four, so I’m going for it. I’ll be broke (I have a Cruise in October to save up for as well =/) but at least I’ll be there.
Guh I’m so effing exhausted, but I’m gonna try to get my head into my work so the day doesn’t drag. All I want is to be back home in bed right now. I’ve had a viral chest infection for well over a month now, and more recently a cold on top of it. I feel miserable and just want to curl up with my hot water bottle and sleep it away. Sleep my life away.
So. There you go, a quick update. I’m going to go try to find some coffee now. I’m supposed to be going to the pub at lunch with some friends from work, but I don’t want to break my decent streak so far this week (Monday all I ate was some salad in the evening so negligible calories, yesterday I had a blueberry muffin after work for a total 300ish calories) so I’m probably going to tell them I’m sick and don’t want food and just get a diet pepsi to sip instead.
Saturday night we’re supposed to be getting pizza and having a little birthday “not-party” for my aunt’s new friend in the psych ward she’s confined to (did I ever write to tell you guys that my aunt has been living in the psych ward for the past nearly 4 months?). It’s this other woman’s birthday but she has nobody and isn’t allowed leave so we’re going up there. Or, we’re meant to be. I might skip out and just stay home where I can starve in peace.
I should probably hate that this is making me an even more solitary creature but honestly I just don’t even care. I just want to be left alone. My online friends are enough company for me right now, and even some of them I’m getting annoyed with. A two hour skype session with my best friend and his family is enough social interaction for the week. God, how lame do I sound right now?
Whatever.
Back to work. Stay beautiful, dolls.
Vee xox
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