What the hell...?

I think my body is in its own time zone.

I'll beak it down for you. The first couple of days on ABC, I managed to gain THREE pounds. It was probably a late gain from all the Southern Comfort I had on New Year's eve, but I gained and it was depressing just the same, and demotivating, and I didn't want to mention it here because gaining weight, even when I'm actively restricting, tastes like failure and it's embarassing. But for the sake of full disclosure and honesty - and hey, when I have to admit it and be truthful, I'm less likely to fuck up because I have to answer to you guys! - there it is. A couple days late, but whatever.

Then to make matters worse, yesterday I was at home all day with my aunt and I will admit: I binged.

And when I say I binged I don't mean I ate a couple of cookies and a sandwich. By my calculations, my total calorie intake was around 2,000. So I consumed FOUR times the amount I was allotted on ABC.

But the fucked up part? I've LOST a little over a pound. Maybe eating a "normal" amount of calories for the first time in a long time has woken up my metabolism a little? Maybe the fact that the night before last and last night, I had my first two consecutive DECENT NIGHTS' SLEEP in years helped? Fuck me, I have no idea. And I'll probably wake up tomorrow 5lbs heavier, but right now this just feels totally bizarre, and I do not understand one bit.

Today is okay so far. 200 Calorie cap for today, and I've only had some low-cal soup with a couple crackers and a load of Pepsi Max. I'm not hungry in the slightest so will probably skip dinner, have a shower shortly, and go to bed early.

I didn't have to go to work today, since the snow is still pretty bad up here, and our road is a mess of ice, snow, and slush. And I don't live near the main road where I catch my bus to work, so I called and said I couldn't make it (my manager seemed ok with it, I felt bad and was all apologetic, but he was like "You can't help it!"). It's been snowing on and off kinda heavily again today, but I'll probably have to go in tomorrow all the same. In spite of the fact that I have no boots, my "winter" coat is thinner than half of the hoodies I own, and I've no gloves to my name either since I lost them on the bus last year and haven't found a new pair I like enough to buy...

So, back to work tomorrow. Which is depressing in itself, sigh.

I'm sure there was something else I was going to write about here today, but I really can't remember. So I think I'm going to have a shower, maybe a nap, and then straighten my hair for work tomorrow. And maybe even give myself a much-needed manicure. FUN TIMES WHUT.

Also: I love how I keep saying I can't afford a pair of boots because the ones I like are all upwards of £100, yet I have no qualms with the fact that the list of cosmetics I'm ordering from MAC's two new limited edition collections tomorrow comes to just under £120. I'm such a hypocrite. And makeup obsessed.

I should make one of my New Year's Resolutions to try to cut my makeup spending, even by a third. Lord knows I could use the money (and I pretty desperately need some new bedroom furniture, since the shit I bought from Argos a year and a half ago is basically falling apart at this point.)

Anyway, I'm rambling again. I'm off now!

Monster Update

Hey again everyone!

Sorry it’s taken me forever to post anything. I’ve been suffering majorly with my jet-lag (missed two extra days of work, boo!) and have now come down with a lovely little cold. My aunt was pretty sick at the same time I was in bed trying to recuperate and adjust to the time change (7 hour time difference =/) so I think she gave it to me. Either that or this is just my pussy immune system protesting against the sudden influx of cool, damp, gloomy weather after two solid weeks of hot sunshine.

First things first. My trip was awesome. I didn’t want to come back just yet, which is definitely saying something after the huge amount of trepidation I felt when the days were drawing closer and closer. The weather was amazing, a solid 25-31 degrees (Celsius of course) Every. Single. Day. It was not cloudy a single day or rainy or cold. At night it got a little cool but after the oppressive heat and sunshine glaring down all day, it was actually a nice reprieve.

My mother’s husband was no his best behaviour, and there was little to no drama at all while I was there, which I was very grateful for. Had I stayed another week or two, I think cracks would have appeared in the thin veneer he was wearing over his real face and personality, though.

I had two missions while I was there. One was to find a pair of cowboy boots to bring back with me. The other was to get a pair of nice black leather, block-heeled boots with rubber soles/traction, that I could use as winter boots over here. I used to have the perfect pair, bought back in my hometown circa… well, 5-7 years ago. And ever since I had to throw them away (when I first moved here, I was here for six months, then went back to Canada for 3 to pack the rest of my stuff and bring it over. I had to leave the boots there during the first stretch and while my family left them sitting in the entryway for six months, their cats peed on them and they reeked. I tried to wash and febreeze them, but no =[), I’ve been on the hunt for a decent replacement. England basically only sells three kinds of boots. Ugg style or generic flat ones, or skinny heels that should not be worn in winter in a city that is abundant with hills and which gets rain every other day, which then freezes in the winter. Sigh.

So, mission one was accomplished. My mom I guess told her husband that he was going to buy me some boots, and he appeared to have opted for the cowboy boots. So, my mom and I hit the mall, going to Lammles (western wear) and I found a nice black pair for around $130. Told my mother’s husband, and he started whining and complaining that we didn’t go to the Alberta Boot company, so when the weekend came he drove down there. I tried on a pair (he actually pointed them out and I liked them) and decided to get them. $300. All I can say is I’m glad I wasn’t buying because I doubt I’d have paid $300 for a pair of cowboy boots. They are super hot though. When I told D’s mom about it, she was like “oh god, why?” and I responded “I think he’s trying to suck up because he knows I don’t like him.” Even my mom knows, which she acknowledged at the airport after I had checked in and it was just she and I hanging around. My mom was like, well he’s not your father and you don’t like him but at least you only have to see him every once and a while and you don’t have to talk to him on the phone or anything when you’re not here, and you can let him buy you stuff when you’re here.

Lulz.

The other boots, however, were a total no-go. I hit at LEAST 20 different shoe stores (I am not even exaggerating) and couldn’t find anything. Lots of flats, tons of Ugg-style boots, and a billion spike-heels sans any traction. Sadface. In the end, D’s mom was dragging me to every shoe store and shoe outlet she knew of to try to find them, but it just didn’t happen. I found one pair that was suitable, but it was a final sale and they didn’t have my size. Fail!

Aside from that the trip was pretty generic. I mostly spent time with my two BFF’s, V and D, although separately. Highlights were:

· Meeting V’s friend for the first time (after V telling me how annoying she is) and then pointing out a trait that really bothered me – a trait V wasn’t aware of until I pointed it out. Then a couple days later getting a string of obscenity-laden text-messages telling me she couldn’t deal with this stupid person anymore and she was going crazy and wanted to kill herself and oh yeah, I just made it worse by pointing out another flaw.
· Staying up until 6 in the morning playing video games with V, and getting under 4 hours of sleep before having to head off for the lamest manicure from hell. A mutual friend from school bought V and I each a gift certificate to get a manicure and pedicure from a nail studio at the mall. So, we made time for that but told the people there that we wanted the mani but not the pedi (I think it’s a bit weird for strangers to be fooling around with my feet =/ ) so we got that done. It cost $19 to basically cut, file, and paint my nails pink. Yeah. Then I got to rush home to nap for two hours before I had to go over to D’s for the last time before I came back. Busy day!
· Toonie bowling with D, his brother and sister, and an old friend we both went to school with. We were struggling to come up with something to do and D’s sister H was on her phone looking for ideas. She came across a bowling alley that did Toonie Tuesday bowling (a Toonie, for those who don’t know, is the name of Canada’s $2 coin). So we went there, walked in, and found out you had to pay with Toonies. So for five of us we needed five Toonies instead of a ten dollar bill. Which we didn’t have. So we got to trek across the parking lot to Wal-Mart, where I picked up the cheapest thing I could find (a pack of gum for 87 cents) and proceeded to pay with a ten dollar bill and four quarters and asked for five toonies as my change. The cashier didn’t mind but I felt like a bit of a retard asking. I did explain the bowling situation though.
· Hanging out with V downtown and meeting up with a friend we went to high school with. Going for food (we shared 2 appetizers booya) and then trekking around Art Central looking at all the little stores. Wanting to buy everything at the vinyl toy store, and hanging out with one of the chicks who works there, who V had befriended before. Partaking in two kinds of wine there, including the most rancid red wine I’ve ever tasted (also the only red wine I’ve ever tasted) and the most amazing, sweet, and scrumptious white wine in the world! Then making our way to the First Annual block party, hosted by one of the big night clubs in my hometown. Downside is that they had to finish it off at 10pm due to the noise bylaws there, but it was still good times!
· Seeing my nephew!

My nephew is adorable, and he warmed up to me almost right away. At first he wasn’t too sure, when we went to pick him up from his mom, but by the time we got back to my mom’s house, he had fully accepted me, and plonked himself down in my lap to watch tv. My only regret is that I didn’t take enough pictures. I was planning to do a ton of photos the last day we had him, but his mom and my brother had a mediation dealy over custody and visitation on that day so I didn’t get to see him again before I left =[. So in total I had three 3-hour stints with him. Not enough!

It was really great reconnecting with D’s family, that was probably one of the best parts. I love V and she’s like family to me too, but I never lost touch or contact with her, we’re just the same as we always were, since I met her 8 years ago. But I grew up with D’s family, he’s been my best friend since we were like 6 years old, and his family is my family. Since I moved to the UK five years ago, I think I’ve only seen them once, so it was really really great seeing them again and reforming those bonds. Or at the very least, seeing those bonds again and realizing they never really wore away to begin with. His mom kept trying to talk me into moving back there, and I have to admit that part of me was tempted.

The whole time I was there was busy and fun and lively, and it was great. And it kind of made me feel that I’m wasting my life here in England. Over there, basically every day was full and I got to see some of the people I really love. Over here I have my aunts, my grandparents, and S… and that’s about it. But then I had to remind myself what it was like living with my immediate family, most notably my mother’s husband. And the fact that it’s almost impossible to get a job there. And having to contend with the winters! We’re talking up to NEGATIVE 50 degrees. But mostly, I had to remind myself that I was never really happy there. Going there now and being happy and enjoying myself is a direct result of finding myself, which only happened when I moved here. At times I still feel lost and confused and like I don’t know who I am, but I’ve come a far, far way from the person I was when I lived there full time, before I moved away. And that move is the best thing I’ve ever done in my life.

And of course, I could never up and leave and move away without my aunt. We’re a unit!

Holy Christ this is long. And I feel like I haven’t covered everything, but I’m not sure what else to say about the trip other than that it rocked. I’m going to make a more conscious effort to go back at least once a year for a three week visit. And maybe if I’m not going on any other trips (like Cancun this year), I’ll space it out and go twice? We’ll see!

As for food… the entire time I was there was basically a 16 day bingefest. When I came back, I was really jetlagged and barely ate and dropped at least a pound or two. My initial weigh in wasn’t accurate because although it was morning here, it was midnight back in Canada and I’d eaten a full day’s worth of food so my weight was all over. Still, only up 5lbs is a lot better than I was anticipating, even though it was only two weeks. This weekend was a baddish one… Friday we had fish and chips because we had my grandparents over so we could watch a football match together (my team won!). Saturday I had sushi out with S and then had a couple small things from a buffet at a wedding reception I had to go to, and a piece of (bad) wedding cake. And yesterday I had to go to my grandmother’s for a Sunday roast, and she piled on the veggies (though at least it was veggies and not fatty meats and pie or stuff).

Yet somehow, I’m still down around half a pound from Friday, so I can’t complain. I think maybe the two week binge kicked my metabolism in the teeth and got it raring up again, so now it’s still working hard to burn away what I am eating. Score! I better enjoy it while it lasts though because I doubt it’ll last long.

Anyway, this is really longwinded so I’m going to post it now and go get some work done. Let me know what you guys have all been up to while I’ve been away! I need to catch up on your blogs but it seems like so much so it might take a while to do. So drop me a comment to let me know how you’ve been and what you’ve been doing =]
Current weight, by the way: 209.8lbs. Still up from my start weight but there will be no more interruptions. I have three months to lose as much as I can for the beach. Countdown starts now!

I'd say good morning, but it's not

Shit things are shit.

Yesterday wasn’t too bad, except that I had to go out for dinner with my aunts. I had planned on going for some fish or something but all they had in fish was some gross sounding fishcake or battered, deep-fried fish. Un-awesome. So I went for ravioli instead, didn’t eat the bread that came with it, and skipped the amazing looking desserts.

Unfortunately, my scale registered another half pound gain this morning, which means I’m only down 5lbs and I’ve only got 4 days left to lose. So, for the rest of the week I’m staying under 300 calories a day. Today will be a 220 calorie frozen meal, as will tomorrow. Wednesday will be 250, and I’m going to try to get away with fasting on Thursday but knowing my luck my aunts will make a “family meal” because I’m going away the next day. We shall see!

Wish me luck, I’ll need it.

That Bloated Feeling

Bleh. Today, I'm in a pretty good mood, but unfortunately I feel physically shit.

Last night was not a failure but not a success. After work I had to meet my aunts at the old house because some people were coming to look around and we had a few last minute things to do (like get rid of huge spiders in the bathtub. *cringe* Needless to say, I didn't do that job at ALL). Afterward they decided they were going to try some Indian food, and we went straight to the place on the way home from the house. By this point it was after 7 and I couldn't talk my way out. So I got some garlic naan bread and had it with a little korma sauce, but skipped the rice and didn't eat the chicken. I wound up throwing most of it away, actually, so I counted it as a demi-success (I fucking love that stuff and usually tend to binge until I feel physically ill and can't move).

But, this morning I feel ridiculously bloated, very constipated (sorry for the too-much-info there) and just all around crap. My abdomen feels inflated and sore and I just want to curl up in bed and sleep it off. Instead, I get to sick at work for another 5 hours. Fail!

But like I said, it could be worse. The only reason I feel crappy is because of that. I feel kind of ill with it as well, which sucks but whatever.

Also, the scale today registered a GAIN of 1.8lbs. However, due to the insane bloating and the fact that I did not overdo it yesterday makes me think that this is not an accurate representation of how much I weigh, so I'm going to weigh in properly tomorrow morning.

Today I'm going to be very good. Nothing at work, and then as little as I can get away with at home. Luckily tonight is another "I need to lock myself in my room for a couple hours to do my hair" night (I can't wash my hair EVERY day or it gets horribly dry, and also I can't be bothered straightening for an hour EVERY SINGLE DAY OH MY GOD ARE YOU INSANE!) so I might be able to get away with it.

Tomorrow I'm going to get my hair cut and my highlights redone as they've grown out quite a bit. I should have gone about 2-3 weeks ago but I want it fresh for when I go away =]

Hope you're all having a good day!

Stay strong,
Vee xox

Bad times

I'm on fucking phones at work today and it's irritating me already. I hadn't even logged onto the system when someone handed me my first call from someone else's phone, and I had to deal with that. Started getting on with my first piece of actual work and the phone rang again - someone from our Indian contact centre with a client on the line who was super pissed off... so I had to ask two other people to find an answer to the question, finally figured it out and came back - and the person had hung up on me. AWESOME. So I just wasted 20 minutes, instead of actually getting some of my own work done.

Also was stressed this morning because my aunt is still in the hospital and yesterday she was running a fever and she said her stomach felt like it was swelling a little bit. I wasn't too highly concerned, the doctors were going to look into the fever and deal with it. But this morning J was telling me about how, when her dad went into the hospital to have a botched hip replacement redone, he was running a fever and his stomach was swelling. And then it turned out the swollen stomach was due to a ruptured intestine and he was vomiting fecal matter. And a few days later HE FUCKING DIED.

So then all morning I've been stressed to all hell, but I've just texted J to ask how my aunt is doing and she said "better this morning, hopefully coming home tomorrow. going to try her on a light meal today" (she hasn't eaten yet, just liquids since the surgery). So, all seems well now.

My stress plus having to eat at the hospital meant that my intake was way over what it should have been the past two days and as a result of that and probably late gain from the weekend, I'm up 2lbs. Which I expected after Saturday anyway so I'm not TOO depressed over it. Getting back into business today though so I will be back down soon. On the upside, my stress today is making me feel sick which is making the idea of food make me even more nauseous so huzzah!

Um. Thanks for your comments about my story. I'm going to take it down but if anyone wants to read it, leave me a comment with a way to contact you and I'll email you my writing.com account address.

God, I'm so all over the place today I can't even remember what the shit I was going to write about. I've got to try to get something done before the phone goes again so I'll write more later, I just wanted to let you know I'm alive and I'm doing mostly okay but I am stressed the shit out.

Love you all,
Vee xox

It Could Be Worse, I Guess

So, I weighed myself, and I'm back up 1lb. So, I guess it could be worse, except that I know I'll probably put on another pound tonight and there goes half the week's progress. I have to keep telling myself that fast gains are also fast losses. Plus, I think a large part of that is food weight. My body's been nearly empty for the past week and now I've still got some food working its way through the digestive track. So it's not TOO bad I guess.

Jeez... I can't remember what else I was going to write about. My aunt came in and started talking in screechy baby talk to my cat, and I just woke up half an hour ago and oh GOD shut up. She's gone now but she killed my brain while she was here and I can't remember what I wanted to say. So, I'll leave it at that for now. My posts will probably be slightly fewer than during the week, but if I think of anything I'll get my laptop out and post for you.

My aunts are going out to get paint now (they're repainting the old house, because right now it is a vibrant forest green and the estate agents think it might be turning off potential buyers, so they're buying paint and paying one of their friends to repaint it for them in a more neutral colour. I was hoping for a medium-light grey, but they're doing it boring beige instead.) so I might get dressed and hit the treadmill for a bit. I have a headache this morning, again, but it needs to be done.

I suck at motivating myself for exercise haha.

Maybe I'll go burn one of those Zumba DVDs I downloaded and do that instead.

Stay Strong my loves and have a great one!
Vee xox

Fucked-Off and Fabulous

Bad times, you guys, bad times.

But also good times.

I'll start with the bad so that I can cheer myself up by the end of my post. If I Start with the good and end with the bad, I'll just be super pissed off and depressed and ruin the goodness of the day.

So the bad news is that I gained two and a half pounds since yesterday. Had I known I was going to gain so much anyway I might have given in to the urge to binge yesterday. But I guess it's best that I didn't. I'm trying to placate myself with the knowledge that the gain was probably not from yesterday but from Saturday, and the weight loss yesterday was just a fluke before the alcohol calories took over. Easy on, easy off. HAH! Whatever. I'm having a single 10 calorie soup tonight and that is all. I need to get out of the Danger Zone. I NEED TO DO IT.

Bleh. Ok, that's the bad. Here comes the good.

The first is that Saturday was amazing. I met up with my good buddy S around noonish at the mall. We had lunch at Nandos (Starter: Humous with pitta bread. Main: Portobello mushroom and halloumi cheese wrap. Dessert: Strawberry Frozen Yogurt. Let it be known this is the first time I have heard of Frozen Yogurt existing here. It was amazing, but made me long for a chocolate Yogen Fruz with 0 calories. Sigh) and then we headed back into the main mall area to shop. In total we were there around four hours. Then we headed back downtown to meet her boyfriend and get some Starbucks (Strawberries and Cream Frapp) and chat for a couple of hours.

We also decided to go out on the town, whoo! Well, more like her boyfriend L texted me the night before asking if I wanted to go out for some drinks with the two of them, as nobody responded when he asked all their friends out to celebrate her birthday. Then it turned into a night of pub crawling, and they invited a ton of other people but it turned out to just be the three of us.

I had... not a TON to drink, but more than I have in a while. Vodka and redbull. Double archer's and lemonade (Sprite for the non-Brits). Tiger Lily cocktail. Six various shots, plus a straight shot of Tia Maria (I'd never had it before and HOT DAMN!). Jager Bomb. Is that it? I can't remember any more. Oh yeah there was some Southern Comfort and lemonade involved at one point. Hmm.

Anyway, I was pretty drunk, but then before we had the last couple of shots we went to find something to eat. The three of us shared a portion of chips and cheese and donner/kebab/donair meat. I didn't eat a lot but it sobered me up quite a bit and by the time we left I was just feeling tipsy. It was a great night, though. We didn't get to spend enough time dancing in the 80's club, though. And we left before they played Pour Some Sugar On Me, which I requested. But still, it was a good night.

Surprisingly I got ID'd at every pub/bar/club we went into. Except for one. One of the bouncers just asked how old I was and then told me I didn't look 23 as he looked for the DOB on my passport.

In the end I wasn't hungover at all yesterday, which is good (lol S said she was quite hung over after our epic night out). I was really tired and a little dehydrated, but before I went to bed I took two painkillers and a TON TON TON of water, and I think that helped lessen the effects a bit. Thank god. I love going out and I love drinking but I hate hangovers =/ Luckily I've only ever really been hung over three times in my life.

I'm pretty convinced S used to be Ana. At one point we were discussing diets and how we've put on weight since living with family. Mine is with my aunts "family meals" and takeout, which are now a thing of the past. Hers is staying with her grandmother and not having any control over portion size. She'd mentioned before that she used to weigh 6.5 stone (which I calculated out to 91lbs, and she's about 5'3 tall - she's currently a size 10 and looks great, so 2 stone ago I can only imagine how skinny she was. Colour me jealous!). When she was talking about her grandmother feeding her since she's moved back in - she and L are staying with her granny until the sale goes through and they can move into their new house - she said "because I used to have.. problems with my weight... if I don't finish everything that's put on a plate in front of me, people make a big deal about me not eating right." I only half-jokingly said "Jeez people, piss off, I'll starve myself if I want to!" and she just laughed and nodded.

I Was telling her about the milk-yogurt diet J did before surgery and how she lost a stone in 10 days, and her boyfriend said he wanted to do it. And then S asked him "Can I do it? I want to lose a stone" and he told her she's dumb and her ass is fabulous etc, but she can if she wants to. Which again makes me think she's got a history.

I don't want to ask her outright. S is my best friend and I Wish I could confess to her. But I don't want to be wrong and wind up fucking up our relationship. So, I'll just ride the waves and see where they go I guess.

The other piece of good news also involves S, and that she might be coming back to work with me! Right now we work for the same company, but in different departments in different buildings doing different stuff. But she told me on the weekend her contract in the other department is only until July, and it's on a "take it from there" basis, but that she'd prefer to come back here to work with me. Which would be, quite frankly, fucking awesome. So I told her I'd ask my manager / her old manager about it.

I wasn't very subtle about it, I didn't know how to bring it up lol.

"So uh.. Do we have a need for another already-trained member of staff?" he looked at me questioningly, but before he could respond yet I proceeded with "Because S wants to come back"

And almost immediately he said "Yes, tell her we'll have her back!"

He needs to check it by his manager and see what the budget is, if they can pay her a salary, but he said it's a tentative yes and he'll give me a definite answer for her by the end of the day. Fuckin' Awesome!

It would be great to work with her again, it'd give me something to do. The two of us never shut up when we're in the same room. Hell, our internal email conversations stretch on for pages in a single reply.

I think it should be ok to go through... because, when she was a temp here, they offered her a permanent job then. Except, the other department/building had already made her an offer that same morning and she'd accepted it, not knowing this place wanted her too. And by the time her manager here offered, it was too late to go back on the other offer, without looking like a flake. But basically since she left, she's been wanting to come back, and now that her contract is coming to an end in the next few weeks, hopefully it'll all go through. I can't wait.

I mean, I see her outside of work and text/email her all the time, but it'll be great having her back here. And hell, we can "diet" together, since she did say she wants to lose a stone, and I want to lose like, eighty.

So yeah. I'm fucked off because Saturday seems to have caught up with me and the weight gain is very, very unwelcome. But I've got until Friday to starve off a couple pounds. Friday S and I are off to Manchester for the day and we're hitting the Hard Rock cafe, but it shouldn't be TOO bad. After that we don't have any plans for eating out, just things like bowling and going to the cinema, so it should be okay.

I'm trying to stay positive. Whoo, go me.

Hope you had a nice weekend, ladies!

Vee xoxo

ps: sorry for the random ass post yesterday. I was trying to do an update on my mobile phone but the text field for the actual post itself wasn't working. Fucking thing. I want an iPhone. Unfortunately, I'm stuck on my current contract and can't upgrade until next May. Suckage.

No Excuses

I'm up another pound today. Which means that as of right now, I am once again back at my old starting weight: 201.4lbs. How. Fucking. Shameful.

In the end I had to eat something at lunch, so I got a panini from the canteen at work and had some of that. And also a piece of garlic baguette. Garlic is definitely one of my weaknesses and dare I say, might actually be the first"trigger" food I've figured out so far. The panini wasn't too bad, but it wasn't until after I devoured the garlickey baguette bread (not a whole baguette, just a piece of one, and it was weird, not sliced, it was just coated on the outside with the garlic), that I Realized DUH garlickey bread = garlic BUTTER you dumb cow!

Sigh. Then I planned to behave for the rest of the day, go me.

Until my aunt picked me up from work.

This is a total side-note. But no fewer than six times on Wednesday my aunt confirmed that she was to pick me up at 5. "What time are you finishing?" "5" "Okay see you tonight" "Yep, at 5" etc. At 4:27 I got a text saying "I'm outside when you're ready" to which I replied that I can't leave until 5. Other people already left at 4 and I had to stay until 5. She then replied "You should have told them you're visiting your aunt in hospital and had to leave at 4"

Wait. What?

I'm sorry but I'm not a fucking mind reader. I would have, if she'd said "I'll pick you up at 4" but she told me 5, so I didn't ask if I could go early which means the floor was open for most other people to leave at 4, which they did.

But anyway. On the way home my aunt told me she picked up a cheese breadstick thing for me at the supermarket. I didn't want one, but she knows I love them, so when we got home she was saying how they're fresh and warm and if I don't eat it tonight it'll probably be stale by tomorrow (today). So, to not have wasted her money, I had the corner off that. Nothing too major. Then threw it out.

And then... the cinema. Movie theatre popcorn is one of my bigger weaknesses. And after having not had it in a year and a half, my body switches into binge mode the instant I smell it. But I wasn't going to get anything to eat, I just wanted to get a big cup of icy coke zero to fill me up. And also, I was ridiculously dehydrated yesterday. I need to fucking stop it with the not-drinking-enough bs. But my aunt wanted popcorn so I bought some for her while she went to get seats in the cinema. And while watching the movie I ate some of that popcorn without even thinking or realizing what I Was doing. Until finally I caught myself and told her I didn't want any more.

It was so strange, like my body was on auto pilot. I was completely immersed in the movie, and literally did not realize what I was doing at first. So, now I know that the cinema is a dangerous place, even if I'm not buying snacks. I think next time I'll bring my own. Like a Special K bar or, I dunno. Something to snack on that isn't caloriffic.

At least the cinema we go to doesn't put butter on their popcorn, just salt. Although salt=water retention, which explains the pound gain. There's no way in hell I ate 3,500 more calories than I expended. I need to stop trying to rationalize =]

I'm just pissed off with myself because it's two days in a row. But today is going to be a good day. I can feel it. I have a 10-calorie soup next to me on my desk for lunch. I'll have another when I get home. And nothing else. AND tonight I think I'm going to buy that juicer I wanted so I can make some healthy juice.

I wonder if celery juice is negative-cal like just celery is? Hmm.

I need to get the internet at home again soon... then I can go through the little book of juicer recipes and plug them into a calorie calculator.

Anyway, off to do some work, ciao!

Vee xox

ps: J is coming home from the hospital today, which essentially means no more fast food in the house. My aunt doesn't think it's fair to eat shitty food in front of J, which means she won't suprise me with pizza when I get home or anything. Yay! And then she'll be having her op this summer too =]

I Fucking Hate It

...when I'm doing well, I feel strong, and then The Universe throws a headache at me. Threatening me to eat something that I don't even want, or suffer a migraine.

I have to weigh the pros and cons.

Stick to my guns and have ONLY the 2 10-calorie soups for lunch/dinner today and nothing else.

Pros:
--Probably drop a pound and a half, especially if I have time to do half an hour on the treadmill before bed.

--Feel good about myself. Strength is motivating, baby!

--I'm already tired and lack of food might make me tired enough to sleep for longer than 3 hours tonight.

Cons:
--Possible consequences in the form of a full-on migraine attack


Or.. Find something edible for lunch and then do the 10 calorie soup for dinner.

Pros:
--Possible total aversion of migraine

Cons:
--Means eating additional calories, possibly up to 200 depending on what my canteen has in stock.

--Additional calories = less weight loss, or even weight gain

--No guarantees that it WILL stop a migraine - this might be completely unrelated to no-food-in-system


Hmm. According to that list, I should just not eat. But the pain in my head is screaming otherwise.

But I managed to gain a pound yesterday, and I need to not go there.

I'm going to be honest with you, even though I'm ashamed.

Yesterday, after going to the hospital and waiting for J to go through for her surgery, my aunt and I went to the mall. On the way out I downed a cup of water from the water cooler, completely parched and dehydrated. It was so cold and soothing and tasted yummy. Awesome.

At the mall I picked up some birthday cards, a present for my grandma from Lush, a new perfume (Harajuku Lovers - Music. I love it, it's fruity and sweet and warm), a face mask. Nothing exciting. Except for when we were in the card store.

See... I am not a morning person. And I don't just mean that in the sense that I am grumpy and grounchy if I wake up early. I mean that my body doesn't even function properly. I can't eat breakfast before leaving the house because if I do, my body will reject it and I will wind up with explosive diarrhoea for the rest of the day, sometimes into the next. Yes, my body is entirely fucked right up.

And yes, that goes for drinking anything, too.

On the drive to the mall I was okay but my stomach felt a bit weird and I knew I'd probably need to use the toilet as soon as we got home, but nothing insane was happening. After going to the bank and then to Lush and to the card store, though, it suddenly became very clear I could not wait. So I hurried to buy my cards, told my aunt I'd meet her by the escalators, and took off.

The main toilets were shut, but I forgot that until I got to the entrance, and then had to turn and walk all the way back to find another one. And at this point I was seriously praying that I would make it in time. I realize this is probably too much information and I apologise, but oh. my. god. it was excruciating. I was on the verge of complete panic and practically ran.

I won't give you gross details haha. But when I met up with my aunt afterward, I was completely shaking and both severely dehydrated and feeling faint. So on the way out I grabbed a sandwich bagel thing, after spending no less than ten minutes of reading the labels on every sandwich in the display. Total calories were around 300 but at that point I doubt I would have been able to walk to the car. I also got a bottle of strawberry flavoured water (7 calories for the whole bottle) and downed it in one go before eating the bagel.

Things were okay, I started to feel better and my body was calming down. Or so I thought. Until we got home and I had to run to the toilet to... uh, evacuate the remains of the bagel, I guess. After that, I went to bed for an hour.

After an hour, I woke up feeling even more exhausted than I had before I went to bed. But, I had to get up because J was out of surgery and was awake and we had to go visit her. So we spent around three hours there sitting and talking to her, before we headed home. As we stepped outside, my aunt asked what I wanted for dinner. I just shrugged noncommittally and got into the car, because I'd already planned to try the onion flavoured 10-calorie soup (the chicken ones are mucho nice, for real). But she banged on about how we don't have any "real food" in the house and we need to either go to Morrisson's to pick something up or hit McDonald's or something. Of course I said "well if we go to Morrisson's we can pick up some salads" because they have this awesome salad bar thing. There's a lot of crap in it, like pasta and potato salads and stuff, which my aunt likes, but they have generic salad stuff too. And the cherry tomatoes look awesome.

However, the weather was INSANE. Parts of the city were flooding and traffic was horrendous. At one point we were stuck at a red light for over fifteen minutes, no exaggeration. By the time we got to Chapeltown, my aunt had decided she couldn't be bothered messing around in Morrisson's and stopped at the KFC near our house instead.

I dutifully ordered a small meal, ate the fries and shared the chicken with the cats (the cats are total pigs, which is probably a good thing lol). And then went upstairs for my shower.

You can see where this is going.

I turned on the water, laid some toilet paper in the bottom of the toilet bowl, and stuck the end of my toothbrush down my throat until I'd brought up as much as I could. I felt shakey but the empty feeling was back and that was good.

The thing is, I felt SO ashamed. I do not feel an ounce of shame about not eating or starvation. Starving makes me feel strong and proud. Purging, whether I've "binged" or not, makes me feel like a failure. And it's something I wasn't going to admit here.

Until I realized, if I can't admit it here, where the fuck can I? The only people in the world who understand are right here.

Don't get me wrong. I have to reiterate that Bulimia is NOT my friend. I pull back every time that bitch Mia tries to wrap her arms around my gut and force me to heave. Shame aside, my teeth are far too important to me. That's probably a really dumb and vain reason, but it's my motivation to not let Mia take over.

But yesterday I felt so helpless. My aunt wasn't backing down, telling me I'd been up since 5:30 and had only had a bagel and I needed to eat something more than just soup or whatever. So I did as I was told like a good little fucking subservient. And I had to do something about it.

The panic I felt while I was slowly dividing the chicken between small bites for me and larger pieces for the cats, rivalled the feeling of panic in those moments at the mall when I honest to God thought I wasn't going to make it to the bathrooms in time. So I did the only thing I could think of.

Looking at myself in the mirror after, with my mascara smudged all around my eyes and dripping in wet streams down both cheeks, from my eyes watering from the force of vomiting, I was disgusted with myself. Reminding myself that this can't happen again. That not eating, regardless of the familial consequences, is better than this. Anything else is better than this. Anything.

So I got in the shower and washed it away.

And still woke up a pound heavier today.

Mia is unreliable.

Ana is dependable.

... I think my story just successfully talked myself out of eating today. It's just really, really, not worth it.

Good? Maybe.

This weekend was a shittalicious weekend. I mean I didn't overeat (aside from the bag of popcorn at the cinema on Saturday night, but I haven't had cinema popcorn in over a year and a half and I needed to get it out of my system. And after all the popcorn kernel skin crap that got all up in my gums, I'm kind of getting sick of it already) so it wasn't bad in THAT sense.

But it was bad in the sense that I managed to weigh myself and then nearly dropped dead right there in my bathroom.

I can't even bring myself to type or say it. I'm in denial. But this has forced me to really need to do something about it. I mean, the need has been there for a while but I let myself become complacent. Saying, hey, I've eaten more than I should but it's still less than a "normal person" so it's ok. But it isn't okay.

So, back to basics, baby.

Today has been a good day so far.

For breakfast I brought cereal to work. I found this awesome gadget at Morrison's this weekend that is like two pots that screw together. The bottom one has a gel lining and you put it in the freezer (like those plastic cups you get in summer with gel in it and you freeze it so it keeps your drinks cold?) and you put your milk in it and it keeps your milk cold. The top part you put the cereal into, then screw it on top of the milk part, pop it in a bag and you're good to go. The lid even has a foldy spoon in it. Super handy.

So, I bought some unsweetened soymilk. My aunts spent all last night bitching about how horrible soymilk is and yick. But honestly, I couldn't really tell a difference between that and the semiskimmed/2% they usually buy for cereal. Although, I don't like milk anyway so it all tastes just as nonyummy to me I guess.

So I had:

Half a cup of Special K cereal = Around 60 kcals (I'm going off the guidelines for Red Berries, which is slightly more than the one I bought)

Around 100mls of unsweetened Soymilk = Around 29kcals (I'll need to check the carton and do exact calcs when I get home)

That was breakfast. Then for lunch I just had a fat-free vanilla yogurt for 100 calories.

Total so far? 189. Yay, under 200!

Last night for dinner I had a Weight Watcher's Shepherd's pie. And you know what, it was pretty damn good, and only 220 calories. Which is MUCH better than some of the frozen meals out there. I don't think I've got another at home so it'll either be a salmon-broccoli-wedge-melt (around 290?) or a Slimfast Shake (219). Depending on how I feel when I get home I might actually up the ante a little and just have another 100-kcal yogurt

So... That makes my max at under 500, which is live-with-able. But I'm going to aim for that Yogurt because having sub-300 would just feel amazing.

OH SNAP. I just remembered I picked up some 10-calorie soups! Ignore all of the above, I'm having 10-calorie soup for dinner.

Total: 199 Calories.

Fuck. Yes.

We can do this ladies. Fuck yes we can.

Vee xox

Long Weekend!

So. Today? Not a good day. Not the worst day ever, but definitely a bad one.

Last night I moved some stuff around in my bedroom and unpacked a couple of boxes, started putting makeup and clothes and things away. The room already looks a ton bigger and I've only taken out three boxes. But anyway, I'm glad progress is finally being made. After work yesterday we had to hit the mall to see the people at the Sky counter set up there to go about signing up for a new package at the new house (the dude there told us just to cancel the old one and sign up at the new house under J's name instead, and we're getting a free Sky plus box, a free standard box for my bedroom, free installation next Wednesday, and our subscription is free for the first 3 months, normally £56, woot) and we didn't get back until after 9 so I was going to just go to bed. After I'd gotten ready to go to bed, I was going to watch an episode of something on my computer and then go to sleep, but at the last minute I had a burst of energy (completely unexpected) so I unpacked instead. Yay!

Of course, today yet again, I was wide awake at 5 and feel like I haven't slept at all. I'm hoping once the treadmill is freed from it's boxed-in corner and I can properly workout, my body will be tired enough to actually sleep through a fucking night. We'll see, but fingers are crossed.

So, I got out some of my old work trousers. And that's where the bad times start.

I bought these trousers probably the first couple of months I lived in England, so we're talking Summer 2004 when I was at my highest weight ever. At the time, they were very tight and I was in fucking denial and refused to buy the next size up. I'm amazed they've lasted, seriously.

Anyway, at the end of 2007 when I broke up with my ex, I had a terribly bad time that did wonders for my figure. I had no appetite and I was being sick every time I ate anything at all - mostly it was entirely involuntary but I will admit that more than once or twice while brushing my teeth in the morning I'd stick the brush back a little further than it needed to go to help matters along. This went on from October until probably May in varying degrees. Between the end of October and Christmas I'd lost 30lbs, just over 2 stone. And I felt amazing. It got to the point where these work trousers were literally falling off. I wasn't skinny by any means, I still weighed around 172lbs, but I was a lot thinner than I had been in years (my weight has been a struggle, always up and down, but usually hovering above 180 since I was 16, which is when it was packed on in the first place). It was to the point where, whenever I walked to the printer from my desk at work, I would have to hold them up, because every step made them shimmy down just a little more.

Eventually I had to buy some a size smaller, and even they were loose. Of course, now they fit okay instead of being loose, not too tight but definitely not how they were (at the time I could fit into the next size down but they were a bit tight and uncomfortable so I had to get the size up, which was just one size down instead of two). It was that "new" pair that split the other night. So last night I got out the older ones, a size bigger.

And they fucking fit the same as the old ones do. I am so fucking depressed because of this, it's unreal. I mean my UK size 18 trousers fit me like my UK size 16s do. How the fuck does that make sense? I know for a fact these trousers are bigger than the other ones, because I purposely bought some that fit tighter.

So I can only assume that I'm even fatter than I thought I was, that the size 16s fit the same as the 18s do because they've been gradually stretched the fuck out by my fat ass.

My mood is completely shit right now and I'm more determined than ever. I will see 175 by the end of summer, so help me God. Ana will help me. She will take my hand and guide me. And she will finally help me to find my smile again.

Vee

Fuck

Last night I received the final bit of motivation I needed to get back on track fully.

After work I met J at the old house so we could pick up a few more small things to take back to the new house. I had to get the hanger pole things and the last 2 drawers for my wardrobe. I put a couple extra small things in it and bent over to pick them up off the floor - and the fucking seam in my work trousers split.

Embarassing and pissed-off-making.

I wouldn't say they fit any tighter than they did a week, two weeks, three weeks ago or anything. And it might be wear and tear since I've been wearing them constantly (well not CONSTANTLY, I'm not a grodey girl, but a lot of wearing, washing, and ironing) for the past year and a half.

But it was still horrible and made me feel ridiculously fat assed.

So, that was that.

Today my meal plan is as follows:

1/2 Strawberry SlimFast shake for Breakfast
1/2 Strawberry SlimFast shake for Lunch

At home, my aunt bought a small pizza to cook for dinner and the best before date is today. If she cooks it, I'll have a piece and cut my losses and not have anything else. If she forgets then yay we can throw them away and I can have a yogurt instead =]

If I can do the yogurt, it will get my total daily calorie intake down to 312. Tomorrow will be probably nothing at work at all, and then a 350-kcal frozen weight watcher's meal at home. Right now we don't have a lot of food at home, which is good and bad. Good because yay not much food! Bad because there's no "healthy" food. Our freezer has some frozen meals in it, which aren't too bad, since they're all under 400 calories per serving. And if that's all I have in a day, then that's just fine. But I would rather have fruit and yogurt. I might buy some stuff to make lettuce soup this week too, becaue at 35 calories a bowl you can not go wrong.

The only problem being that our stove is apparently totally fucked. The oven has two settings that work: Off and Hot As The Pits Of Hell (also known to the layman as "full blast") and the electric hob works randomly or not at all. Sigh.

I'd like to try some kind of new diet. Like a raw food diet. The problem is, I know I'd get bored. I'm kind of tempted to "Go Vegan" because it gives me more sway with the family if anyone questions what I'm eating but... the truth is, I probably couldn't. Cheese is something I don't eat very often, but it's still there for an occasional treat.

Although, that's probably my problem right there. I need to not bank on having that occasional treat.

Anyway, tonight will be a busy night. I need to get my ass in gear and unpack. I put it off last night because I had a killer fucking headache and I had to wash-dry-straighten my hair which took forever. It's looking daunting because half the shit in my room isn't even mine. The gaming chair, the box of DVDs, the DVD player, all belong in my aunt's room or the Office. But the office still has boxes in it. Fuck it, I'm moving that shit out anyway, I need it out of my room. Because the boxes that I need to unpack are in front of all the drawers that I need to unpack them INTO. God.

Did I mention I fucking hate moving?

But I need to get unpacked. Not just because I don't know where anything is (seriously, I can't remember which box has my makeup removers and cotton balls in them, so I had to buy some new makeup remover but forgot cotton balls. And toilet paper leaves bits of its fibres everywhere and gets in your eyes and it sucks. Ugh), but so I can get the treadmill out. I'm looking forward to it.

And I'm kind of looking forward to the possibility of HAVING to walk a mile to and from my bus stop in the morning. Next Wednesday J is having her operation and will be off work for I think 8 weeks, so she won't be driving me to the stop in the morning. My aunt rarely works early shifts, so I won't be able to grab a ride with her either. So that leaves me only the option of walking.

Pros:
Exercise! YAAAAAY!

Cons:
Having to do it in work clothes and shoes
Rain
Nowhere to shower afterward if I get sweaty

I mean, I realize it's only a mile but I'd rather speedwalk and get my heartrate up than spend two hours on a leisurely stroll. Plus my handbag is huge and fucking heavy so it's like speedwalking with a lead weight over one shoulder hehe.

But I digress. When I get home tonight I must also remember to burn those Zumba DVDs so I can get my aerobics on.

Wow. Isn't it funny how a blog entry can totally change your perspective? When I started I was feeling all depressed and pissed off. Now I'm excited about upcoming exercise woot!

Oh also, more excitedness!

Muse is playing in my city in November! <3 I found out this morning and emailed my good buddy S and I'm booking our tickets Friday morning as soon as they go on sale. TOTALLY STOKED! Also preordered their new CD. And Placebo's new CD which is out on Monday. Love!

Sigh. I missed the last Placebo concert in May because it was the day my aunts left for Spain and I had shit to do. Placebo is also playing Manchester in December, but unfortunately I'm in Cancun when they're doing their UK tour dates. Green Day is totally sold out. So I'm not happy about that. But I've been dying to see Muse for EVER (I've been dying to see Green Day too but whatever, and I've already seen Placebo twice, even though they are AMAZING live and I need to see them again) so that's perked me right up.

I'm hoping Marilyn Manson will announce another tour soon, what with the release of his new album The High End Of Low (which is pretty good by the way. My favourite track is We're From America, which is fucking hilarious in a sarcastically offensive kind of way)

Have a great one darlings!
Vee xox

Shit

Yep. Back up 1lb to 144.4

Not surprised, I fully expected it. But still disappointed.

The worst part? My aunts appear to have arranged for proper "family, sit-down" dinners all this week until they go away. Tonight's culprit is Shepherd's Pie. Nobody told me, hey, you need to be home by x time because that is when we will have dinner ready. So, I was kind of planning to do overtime until maybe 7, come home and be all, "oh well you didn't tell me I had to be home at a certain time" so I wouldn't have to eat WITH them at least.

But, I just got into work and there is almost no actual WORK to speak of. An assload of people came in on overtime over the long weekend and basically got through everything, especially the easy stuff. All that seems to be left to do involves calling people to find out what they want before we can do it, and I hate doing phone work. If I wanted to be on the phones all day I would have gotten a job at a fucking call-centre (not that any of them actually exist in the UK anymore).

So, there is no overtime, which means I'll more than likely have to leave at 5 because there just isn't enough work to keep me going beyond that, which means I'll be home while dinner is cooked and served and if I don't finish it all then by GOD there has to be something wrong!

They drive me crazy sometimes. If I'm not laughing and peppy and full of energy, there must of course be something wrong. Case in point: Sunday night.

First we were watching The Ruins on dvd, and my aunt talked through the ENTIRE THING. Now this almost always irritates me because I, for one, would like to watch the movie without a fucking commentary every thirty seconds. Sometimes she is so bad for this that I want to explode. A few months ago while we were watching episodes of season 1 of Lost, it got to the point where I wasn't even concentrating on the tv anymore because I couldn't even hear what was going on, and was instead counting my head the number of seconds between her TALKING.

The longest she lasted in silence? 42 fucking seconds. Through THREE EPISODES OF LOST.

So, Sunday night she was doing the same thing and I was trying very hard not to get annoyed. At one point I had my head cocked and was almost squinting at the screen in concentration to hear what the fuck was going on over her voice. And she looked at me and said "what's wrong?" and I said "I can't hear anything" and she ignored me and kept talking.

At the end, once again, she kept jabbering. It also annoys me when people are watching a movie and say "such and such is going to happen. I TOLD YOU! Didn't I?" Her partner is worse than she is for that (J has a tendency to "predict" what is going to happen and then be all "TOLD YA!" even if it's a movie WE HAVE SEEN BEFORE and I just want to scream out THANKS FOR STATING THE OBVIOUS, CAPTAIN RETARDO! YOU DID NOT "TELL ME" SHIT!" Obviously, I am a very mean, mean person with serious rage issues. Moving swiftly on) So of course my aunt is all "this is going to happen. I can see it. Just watch! AHA SEE I TOLD YOU DIDN'T I?!" and I just kind of ignored her. And because I wasn't giggling in awe of her AMAZING film-predicting talent (even though she herself admitted "it kind of sucks how so many movies are so damn predictable these days, huh?" and figuring out the end is not, therefore, a huge act of talent or skill) she turned and said, in an almost offended tone "what's wrong with you?!"

When she says that to me, and especially in that tone, I want to scream. My aunt suffers from severe depression and possible bipolar disorder. When she's down, she's quiet, bitchy, and sleeps like every single hour that she isn't at work. But it's OKAY for her to not be the sunny life of the party, and that is what pisses me off: something must be WRONG if I am quiet or tired or not laughing my ass off every single second of every single day. But she doesn't even ASK "is something the matter?" in a tone that sounds caring or halfway interested. No, I get an abrupt "what's wrong with you!?!?!" instead.

WELL GEE SINCE YOU ASKED SO NICELY...

I'm not saying that something is always bothering me, but sometimes there IS something and I'm not going to talk about my feelings to somebody who acts like that.

In this case, the something wrong could have been summed up by "If you're not going to watch the motherfucking movie, then tell me and I will go watch it on my computer instead so you can sit and talk yourself in peace, because I, for one, would actually like to hear what the fuck is going on."

But it's perfectly okay for her to shush other people. If J is talking my aunt will hush shush shush shutupplease her until she is quiet. God forbid if I did.

Incidentally, that time with Lost? I even told her "you know, the longest you went without talking was 42 seconds" and she just laughed it off and said she was bored because she'd seen it before. She was the one who wanted to rewatch them. Otherwise, again, I'd have just watched the episodes on my computer in peace and silence.

God, I'm turning into a ranty old asshole of a woman aren't I?

And obviously, every little thing can really piss me off. But yeah, I was super anoyed the other night and I can't help myself.

I forgot what else I was actually going to write about here, so I'll leave off with that for now and write more as and when I can think of something else. In the meantime, I need to try to scrounge up some work to do =/.

Much love ladies, and I hope you're all having a better start to the week than I am. Four "family" meals together, and I'm home free for nearly two weeks. Bring it on.

Also, this time next week I will be sitting in my orthodontist's office and waiting for my braces to come off. Fuck yeah! I will also, however, be old. Fucking birthdays.

Starve on,
Vee xox

The Update You've Been Waiting For

So it seems yesterday was a craptastic day for nearly everyone. What is it about the end of the month that sends us crazy? We'll probably never know, but I gotta say, almost EVERYbody I know (which means people "in person" as well as internet friends and bloggers) had a crappy day yesterday.

Suddenly I don't feel so alone in my shittaliciousness.

So, last night.

I got a text message from my aunt just after 4 yesterday afternoon, telling me that we were meeting some friends for dinner. I was supposed to be working overtime until 6:30, which I had told her the night before (but, I won't pretend she actually remembers ANYthing that I say to her, so I can't honestly say I'm surprised). So, I immediately texted back asking what time we were meeting, because I was supposed to work late.

No answer. So I tried calling the house, no answer (they both had appointments with their surgeons about the gastric bypass surgery, and were still at the hospital. My aunt's was a kind of preop, her partner's was basically just to find out if the doctor would agree to do it. Both went well for them, incidentally). Called my aunt's mobile phone, it was turned off. Called her partner's phone, no answer.

So I was at work thinking, well this is fucking great. Springing on me that we're going out, without telling me when or where, without giving me a god damn chance to find out if I can even get off work. I hate it when she does this, she always just assumes I can leave whenever I want to. A couple of weeks ago she called me at 4pm to say "I'm outside to pick you up" so I had to rush to get out. Nevermind that leaving before 5 is supposed to be agreed with your manager here. And that I was supposed to do an hour and a half fucking overtime. Sigh.

So last night was more of the same. It wasn't a case of "we're going out to dinner, and you can come if you really want to" it was a "we're meeting S and H for dinner tonight" meaning, I'm expected to be there.

So FINALLY she texted back saying I had to be home by 6, which meant I had to take off at 5. I knew I could skip out an hour earlier because one hour of the overtime I was doing was for another team entirely and I just emailed them to say I can't do it. MY team, however... my manager had already put through my hour and a half of overtime onto the HR overtime system. Which meant, it was definitely going to be paid in May's pay, whether I worked it or not. And if I didn't, I'd be in shit and probably not allowed to do overtime anymore. And I really need the money.

Luckily, my manager is awesome. To be honest, the last two managers I've had have been amazing and wonderfully friendly people. So I just told him I had to leave, and asked if I could make up the extra half hour tomorrow (today), and he was nice and basically said yep that was perfectly okay. SO I'm safe, and just finished doing that half hour about 4 minutes ago.

So, I got home, had a chance to change my shoes and fix my makeup, and we were off to the restaurant. And by restaurant, what I really mean is pub.

I got a large diet coke and drank half of it before the meal, trying to fill up on fluids before we ordered. Everyone else was having a carvery so, two kinds of meat plus yorkshire puddings, stuffing, veggies and gravy. I *could* conceivably have gotten away with filling up on veggies and leaving the meat, but the last time we went there I had the carvery and it was fucking disgusting. I mean, who has fucking MUSHY PEAS with roast beef and gravy!?

Of course, I don't like mushy peas (or really, any kind of peas) at the best of times.

So, I thought I'd order a salad or a fish dish. Exept, when we got there I quickly realized, this is a PUB not a swanky restaurant where they'll have grilled tuna salad on the menu. They had fish and chips and breaded prawns and that kind of crap, but everything was deep fried. And the salads were horrendous. Bad times.

So in the end I ordered some roast chicken, because it was probably the healthiest, not-fried-in-fat thing on the menu. And some garlic bread, which I admit right off the bat was bad, but I was craving it and couldn't say no.

When the food came, it wasn't too bad... I gave my aunt half the garlic bread and nibbledon mine. Picked apart the chicken and ate some of the meat. Had a couple pieces of carrots and forkfuls of mashed potato.

BUT, I think I overdid it with the chicken, and felt really sick after I'd eaten. I haven't eaten much proper food in the past week, and my stomach wasn't used to the feeling. It almost hurt, even though I know I didn't overstuff myself or anything.

I have no excuses. I ate too much chicken and I shouldn't have had garlic bread. So it was my own fault, and I felt really shitty for it yesterday. After we ate, S (my aunt's work-mate's husband, who we're all good buddies with) kept pestering me to get dessert. And dessert at this place isn't "two scoops of fat-free vanilla ice cream" or "three scoops of mango sorbet". Dessert at this place consists of the most fat-filled chocolate-monstrosities of cakes. The last time we went there, I will admit that I had dessert, but I was in a bingeful period at the time. It was a chocolate fudge cake with a scoop of vanilla ice cream and hot chocolate sauce. And that was probably the healthiest thing on the dessert menu, I shit you not. You should have seen the cake my aunts had that time. A big chocolate cake, covered in tons of icing, with maltesers, flakes, bits of broken up mars bars and curly wurlies, and fuck knows what else.

I couldn't eat that even on a fat day.

Eventually I told S to fuck off, I'd already "ruined my diet" and did not need more shit in my body, and he finally shut up.

I Felt really sick and had to excuse myself to the bathroom, thinking I was going to throw it back up again. I thought it was probably a mental reaction to eating mashed potatoes - I've felt sick after eating them ever since I made some creamy ones several weeks ago and immediately threw up more forcefully than I have ever thrown up (except that time I had bad food poisoning from fish, bad times). Luckily, I managed to keep it down. Starving myself is fine and almost enjoyable and as I said before brings a euphoric feeling. But I refuse to let Mia into my life, so I struggled to hold my shit together even though I was genuinely feeling nauseous, and not just sticking my fingers down my throat.

When we got home I immediately went to bed. I was exhausted and I felt sick.

But this morning I woke up and it is a new day. Yesterday is a complete write-off, and I'm up a full pound from yesterday morning. I was expecting it though, expecting worse, so I'm not as upset about it as I probably should be. Today is a new day, and I'm happy to spend a day undoing yesterday's damage.

That said, today is a fast day. Water, strawberry tea, and maybe some coke zero, are all that is on the menu. And when I get home tonight, I'm going to try another saltwater flush, but with more sea salt this time. Hopefully it works this time =/

All that aside, I'm getting my hair done tomorrow. I have light blonde highlights and should have had my roots done like six weeks ago, so I'm going for a touch-up and a cut (and by cut I really mean a slight trim and some more added layers). If my stylist (and another one of my aunt's friends, who owns her own salon, so it's awesome and she's pretty cheap =]) has the time, I might get a full colour done to lighten up my "base" colour a little and then have highlights done on top of it. We'll see.

I'm sure there was something else I was going to write about, but I can't remember. So, more later.

Love you girls. And I know a lot of us fucked up yesterday, but today is a new day, a new month. Let's use May to kick some serious ass.

Vee xox

ps: I've ordered a book called "Hungry Girls: 200 recipes under 200 calories" from Amazon along with my ED books and tarot cards. Once it comes I'll start cross-posting the recipes onto my foodblog =] So there will be a lot more content over there soon!

So far so good

After whining and bitching this morning, I have to update to say that so far things are going okay. I've eaten exactly nothing, and have had one cup of strawberry tea and half a cup of water. Which means that this headache I'm getting is likely the result of dehydration, which doesn't surprise me. I'm so crap at trying to keep my body hydrated. The water cooler at work gives me heartburn for some reason, so I usually wind up avoiding it without realizing that I'm even doing it. I'll need to start filling my water bottle and keeping it on my desk and aiming to down the whole thing. As it is right now I just wind up with a million cups of water, that are ignored once they get warm. I don't aim for anything. But if I aim to drink my adorable water bottle full of water at least twice a day, I'll probably be in a much better position. I mean, to be perfectly honest, dehydration could be one reason I've been feeling so shitty and tired lately too. Well, moreso than usual I mean =P

Ugh. I hate the sound that my nylon-blend trousers make when I walk and my thighs rub together. It makes me want to walk bow-legged just so I - and other people! - don't have to hear it.

And I'm getting swiftly fed up with my Urban Decay eyeshadows. The glitter in that shit just gets every-fucking-where. My gold and reddish-brown and bright green are amazing and I love them (I don't have them here I don't know colours) but I've got some purple and pink on today and both are glitter, and now I have glitter all the fuck over my face.

I was going to write about how I wasn't in such a bad mood today, despite a rocky start. About how, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror just now when I walked into the toilet, and how my hair looks amazing and while I'm still a huge lard, at least I'm pretty. But then I looked closer. And quickly changed my mind. I look like the walking dead, even with makeup. My dark circles from not sleeping are peering through my concealer and foundation. I just look... drained and sallow and horrible. Sigh. At least I have nice fingernails. That's about the only self-compliment I can come up with right now. And I'm trying to positively reinforce myself. And it just isn't working.

Whatever.

In spite of not eating, my stomach didn't start telling me it was hungry until maybe twenty minutes ago - 2 in the afternoon. Which is good and bad. Good because, if I'm not hungry, there's no reason at all for me to be eating in the morning to begin with. Bad because, my body isn't going to devour my fat reserves if it isn't hungry in the first place.

All that said, I'm actually NOT in as horrible a mood today as I was yesterday. I'm still totally fucking exhausted, and I'm still feeling pretty antisocial. But I'm not QUITE as pissed off with everyone as I was. Even though I look like hell =]

Going "grocery" shopping tonight after work. I need to figure out what I need to buy. Maybe some raw veggies to have with a low-cal dip of some description. I don't know. I always buy fruit and then wind up realizing "There are too many calories in this banana and if I eat it I can't have XYZ later, so I'm going to skip the banana and have XYZ when I get home instead" and the fruit winds up going off. I need to stop doing that. I need to start planning ahead.

Tomorrow will be a 200 day. I'm going to have an apple (55) for "breakfast" and maybe a banana (104) for lunch, which leaves me with a small salad for dinner after work.

OR something. I'm so horrible at planning, I doubt any of the above will actually transpire.

The past few days I've been craving Oriental food. All weekend and yesterday it was rice. I almost went home last night to make sushi rice in my rice cooker when I got home, just to devour on its own. But then I thought twice and decided that there was no way I could figure out how to get 100 calories of rice.

Today it's Ramen. I was online looking at a Japanese store that sells the brand of Ramen I used to love and adore in Canada. My favourite brand of ramen ever. I was going to buy some but then I thought... one package of Sapporo Ichiban ramen soup contains around 400 calories. Which means I could have it two days of the week (Saturday is 400, Sunday is 500), but it would have to be the only thing I ate. Which is okay, but it depends on whether I have the discipline. Sigh, I don't know, I'll probably buy some and keep it in reserve. I think I have a package at home still, but I'm not going to touch it until the weekend. I am NOT fucking this up. Especially not after gaining a pound and a half after Day One.

Oh god, that reminds me, I think I'm supposed to be going to a Chinese Buffet on Monday with my aunts and a load of friends. Dude might be there too, I don't know. Interestingly enough, I haven't heard from him since Saturday morning. Our friends tried to invite him to their place when we went over on Saturday night but he didn't answer his phone. Hm.

Anyway, I need to finish two more hours of work, and then I can go HOME!

Love you,
Vee xxxx

Mourning the tragic passing of My Metabolism

Sorry for the short, vague post about two hours ago. I was just getting ready to leave for work and I was super pissed and had to say something.

Why am I fucked off?

Well, aside from generically STILL being irritated by everything and everyone around me, and the fact that I went to bed at TEN last night and still didn't sleep, and that I woke up thinking it was Wednesday, only to be told that HAH, no, it is only Tuesday bitch, four more days of work to go!

I have gained 1.6lbs since yesterday.

Yesterday was a 300 day and I went over ever so slightly, but by barely anything. And I GAINED A POUND AND A HALF.

How the fuck is that even physically possible?!

Today is a 100 day, but I'll be damned if a single piece of food is passing my lips today. Of course, it would be Pancake Day here in the UK, and I'm praying that my aunts don't realize, that I don't walk in the door to fresh pancakes with the syrup she imported from Canada. Ugh.

There are no words to adequately express just how I feel right now.

(035) - Updateage

I need to start updating this thing again. Lately all my posts have been on an ABC community on LJ, and in my Livejournal blog. I do need to make an effort to keep this one updated too, though… after all, it was created before I joined Livejournal =/

Anyway. Quickish update.

I gained over the weekend due to Valentine’s Day Pasta. I didn’t think the pasta would be all that bad, since most of the calories would be in the pasta and I didn’t have a great deal of it. But I sat and calculated everything out, and the pasta dish was over 800 calories. Jesus. Effing. Christ.

Then I somehow managed to gain on Sunday too. So it was a shit bad weekend.

BUT. Yesterday I got by on 99 calories (150 day on ABC, but I wanted to keep as low as possible. I only had two cups of broth (meaning two stock cubes with hot water)) and a few slices of wafer thin chicken). I also went to bed at like 7:30 because I was insanely exhausted yesterday. I’m still a bit tired today, probably from OVER sleeping, but I feel better than I have in a long time right now.

Today’s plan: (it's a 200 day on ABC)

Work.
Only had 1 cup of broth (17 calories) (just finished this)
Drink lots of water and green tea

After work:
Go to the gym from 4:30 until 6 or just after.
Pray that I don’t miss the last bus home just after 6.
Have a hot bath and relax!
Another cup of broth (19 calories).
POSSIBLY have some wafer-thin-chicken-slices-wrapped-in-a-lettuce-leaf (for four of these puppies it’s 44 calories). Depends on how I feel when I get home. Hoping to not have it but if I’m starving and dying after the gym, I’ve got it in the daily budget.
Watch a movie on my pc, and burn a copy of The Tale Of Two Sisters for a girl at work to borrow.
Get my gym stuff ready for tomorrow.
Take measurements and record them in my diary. (I’ve lost 10lbs SURELY I must have lost even part of an inch right? Sigh, I hope so)
Go to bed early.

That is the plan anyway.

Hopefully I’ll manage to lose the other 2lbs that I’d gained over the weekend (Down 2 today from yesterday so halfway there) and then I can get started on some “fresh” weight loss. And the bonus: I’ll be back in the 180s!

Which is still ridiculously high but after yo-yoing in the 190s and even spending a brief while in the low 200s, the 180s are a breath of fresh air and SO SUPER MOTIVATING to lose the rest of it!

As of this morning I’m 191.4, so I think it’s plausible to be down to 189 by tomorrow. More likely the day after tomorrow, but a girl can dream, right?

Right, that’s my update for now, I’ll try to be more regular about updating this puppy =]

Stay beautiful, ladies!

Vee xxx

014: Back on the Bandwagon

It’s been a bad few days.

The past week or so, I’ve had a fairly bad flu, I haven’t felt this horrible in quite a long time. I haven’t been to work since last Wednesday, and still don’t feel up to par today. But, today I had to go back to work because to stay off any longer I would need a sick note from my doctor, and I can’t get into my doctor. Even to get antibiotics for my sinus infection, so I'm dosing up on decongestants to see if that will clear them out. Ugh.

I made the (probably stupid) decision to come off ABC for a few days to try to get past this. I’ve still been restricting and staying well under 700 calories a day, but I figured I needed to get some more nutrients than I have been. On the weekend I also went and bought some multivitamins, and some more calcium supplements, as I know I’ll need them to proceed with ABC and restricting – I already have a low immune system and I don’t want to wind up making myself sick again because I’m not getting vitamins and crap.

Anyway, I don’t know why I bothered. I woke up Wednesday morning at around 194lbs. After being horrifically sick on Wednesday, Thursday morning I woke up feeling exhausted and wonderfully weak and down to 191.5lbs, give or take a tenth or so. Then I managed to gain back a pound and a half over the weekend. At first I couldn’t understand why I had gained a little, when I’ve been eating under 700 calories a day. But then, on the other hand, I’ve been doing nothing but laying in bed feeling miserable for the past several days, so it’s probably the utter lack of activity that did it.

As of today I’m jumping back into ABC on Day 6 (a 200 day). I still feel like an absolute ball of shit, but if I’m not getting any better I don’t see the point in pulling away from ABC at all. I was going to restart the whole thing but I don’t want to have the 500 days right now. So the 200 day today is perfect. I have no food at all at work to eat, so I’ll be having nothing but green tea and water until I get home. And then I might have either part of a 300 calorie frozen meal, or a 200 calorie slimfast, and go to bed early.

Being so sick over the weekend, and my aunts being busy decorating, I didn’t get a chance to move the treadmill into my bedroom, so hopefully this coming weekend we’ll be able to. Either way, once I’m not sick, I’m going to start hitting the gym again, and to do some working out in my bedroom every night. I LOVE the burning feeling that those leg-lift crunches give me <3

In other news, my aunts are on the anti-diet right now. One got a referral for gastric bypass surgery yesterday and should get an appointment to meet with a surgeon in the main in the next month or so. My aunt figured out she needs to gain 16lbs to reach the target BMI of 50 to qualify. So all weekend they’ve been eating total crap, my aunt is eating WELL over 3,000 calories a day (After work last night she had at least 3,000 in a single sitting), trying to put on the weight by this Friday. Watching them devour total junk all the time makes me feel sick. And only strengthens my resolve.

I’m determined to lose my own weight before they do, and without any damned surgery to do it.

I have the willpower that they lack.

I miss that wonderful weak and shaky feeling. I’m hoping that now that I’m back on ABC I can get it back.

Keep chasing the dream!

Also, thanks for your comments and support. I truly appreciate it =]

Vee xx

006: I Guess It Could Be Worse

So Today is Day Six of my Restricting and shizz.

I apologise in advance, I'm not feeling very wordy and creative today so this entry will probably suck hard.

Yesterday was not a good day. First of all I woke up with a monster headache, though not quite a migraine, and it didn't go away until I went to bed after midnight. Bad times. I knew in advance that I was going to have to eat the so-yummy-but-so-fatty Sausage Bake that one of my housemates was making. I also thought it would be a good idea to eat a load of Salt and Vinegar Pringles at the cinema. So all in all I was expecting to gain today to a certain extent.

So, it could have been worse: I woke up today weighing only 0.8lbs heavier than yesterday. As of this morning, I weighed 196.4, which is still five whole pounds lighter than when I started this last Wednesday. So I can't really complain.

Today was a better day.

I slept in way later than I should have, but I had today off work, so it didn't really matter. I had about five frozen grapes first thing, and that was it until tonight. My aunt and I went to buy our cats some new collars, and then went to visit my granny. LUCKILY she was in a MUCH better mood than she has been recently, so it wasn't painful to be there today.

I had a salad tonight. And by salad I mean three lettuce leaves torn up and with 50mls of fat free vinaigrette. With a couple sliced mushrooms on top but I didn't eat all of them. Then I had a Weight Watchers' Chocolate Mousse dessert thing, so in total my calorie intake for the day was only 155.

Not bad at all, right? =]

So tomorrow I'm getting back into the ABC diet, and I'll be on Day 4 - a 400 calorie day. I've already got my food planned out up to 360 - lots of fruit and a 100cal yogurt. I'm confident that I'll be able to stick to it tomorrow. Fruit is kind of my saviour when it comes to this restricting... I can eat a load of raspberries, feel sated, and still only have had like 30cals.

Anyway, I should head off because I need to get ready for work tomorrow morning, and I'm way tired - although I have more energy than I should considering I've had less than 200cals today.

Keep strong ladies, and stay beautiful.

xxxx

Vee