Fuck

Last night I received the final bit of motivation I needed to get back on track fully.

After work I met J at the old house so we could pick up a few more small things to take back to the new house. I had to get the hanger pole things and the last 2 drawers for my wardrobe. I put a couple extra small things in it and bent over to pick them up off the floor - and the fucking seam in my work trousers split.

Embarassing and pissed-off-making.

I wouldn't say they fit any tighter than they did a week, two weeks, three weeks ago or anything. And it might be wear and tear since I've been wearing them constantly (well not CONSTANTLY, I'm not a grodey girl, but a lot of wearing, washing, and ironing) for the past year and a half.

But it was still horrible and made me feel ridiculously fat assed.

So, that was that.

Today my meal plan is as follows:

1/2 Strawberry SlimFast shake for Breakfast
1/2 Strawberry SlimFast shake for Lunch

At home, my aunt bought a small pizza to cook for dinner and the best before date is today. If she cooks it, I'll have a piece and cut my losses and not have anything else. If she forgets then yay we can throw them away and I can have a yogurt instead =]

If I can do the yogurt, it will get my total daily calorie intake down to 312. Tomorrow will be probably nothing at work at all, and then a 350-kcal frozen weight watcher's meal at home. Right now we don't have a lot of food at home, which is good and bad. Good because yay not much food! Bad because there's no "healthy" food. Our freezer has some frozen meals in it, which aren't too bad, since they're all under 400 calories per serving. And if that's all I have in a day, then that's just fine. But I would rather have fruit and yogurt. I might buy some stuff to make lettuce soup this week too, becaue at 35 calories a bowl you can not go wrong.

The only problem being that our stove is apparently totally fucked. The oven has two settings that work: Off and Hot As The Pits Of Hell (also known to the layman as "full blast") and the electric hob works randomly or not at all. Sigh.

I'd like to try some kind of new diet. Like a raw food diet. The problem is, I know I'd get bored. I'm kind of tempted to "Go Vegan" because it gives me more sway with the family if anyone questions what I'm eating but... the truth is, I probably couldn't. Cheese is something I don't eat very often, but it's still there for an occasional treat.

Although, that's probably my problem right there. I need to not bank on having that occasional treat.

Anyway, tonight will be a busy night. I need to get my ass in gear and unpack. I put it off last night because I had a killer fucking headache and I had to wash-dry-straighten my hair which took forever. It's looking daunting because half the shit in my room isn't even mine. The gaming chair, the box of DVDs, the DVD player, all belong in my aunt's room or the Office. But the office still has boxes in it. Fuck it, I'm moving that shit out anyway, I need it out of my room. Because the boxes that I need to unpack are in front of all the drawers that I need to unpack them INTO. God.

Did I mention I fucking hate moving?

But I need to get unpacked. Not just because I don't know where anything is (seriously, I can't remember which box has my makeup removers and cotton balls in them, so I had to buy some new makeup remover but forgot cotton balls. And toilet paper leaves bits of its fibres everywhere and gets in your eyes and it sucks. Ugh), but so I can get the treadmill out. I'm looking forward to it.

And I'm kind of looking forward to the possibility of HAVING to walk a mile to and from my bus stop in the morning. Next Wednesday J is having her operation and will be off work for I think 8 weeks, so she won't be driving me to the stop in the morning. My aunt rarely works early shifts, so I won't be able to grab a ride with her either. So that leaves me only the option of walking.

Pros:
Exercise! YAAAAAY!

Cons:
Having to do it in work clothes and shoes
Rain
Nowhere to shower afterward if I get sweaty

I mean, I realize it's only a mile but I'd rather speedwalk and get my heartrate up than spend two hours on a leisurely stroll. Plus my handbag is huge and fucking heavy so it's like speedwalking with a lead weight over one shoulder hehe.

But I digress. When I get home tonight I must also remember to burn those Zumba DVDs so I can get my aerobics on.

Wow. Isn't it funny how a blog entry can totally change your perspective? When I started I was feeling all depressed and pissed off. Now I'm excited about upcoming exercise woot!

Oh also, more excitedness!

Muse is playing in my city in November! <3 I found out this morning and emailed my good buddy S and I'm booking our tickets Friday morning as soon as they go on sale. TOTALLY STOKED! Also preordered their new CD. And Placebo's new CD which is out on Monday. Love!

Sigh. I missed the last Placebo concert in May because it was the day my aunts left for Spain and I had shit to do. Placebo is also playing Manchester in December, but unfortunately I'm in Cancun when they're doing their UK tour dates. Green Day is totally sold out. So I'm not happy about that. But I've been dying to see Muse for EVER (I've been dying to see Green Day too but whatever, and I've already seen Placebo twice, even though they are AMAZING live and I need to see them again) so that's perked me right up.

I'm hoping Marilyn Manson will announce another tour soon, what with the release of his new album The High End Of Low (which is pretty good by the way. My favourite track is We're From America, which is fucking hilarious in a sarcastically offensive kind of way)

Have a great one darlings!
Vee xox

My Aglets Are Falling Apart

NOTE: THIS FUCKING THING IS FUCKING ME OFF. IT JUST DELETED HALF MY GOD DAMN POST AND KEEPS DECIDING TO INVENT HTML TAGS WHERE NONE EXIST. FUCK OFF, BLOGGER!

Just a random observation. On my Black-and-Pink Vans Skatershoes, I have a tendency to tie the laces into a normal, boring bow and then, because the laces are ridiculously long, I shove the ends of the bows down the sides of the shoes under/beside the "tongue" and shove the Aglets into the top lace-hole-things to keep them out of the way. This morning when I got to work I retied my shoes and realized the aglets are starting to show mucho wear and if they keep it up I won't be able to shove them in there anymore. But at least they won't be too hard to shove into the shoes with the bows for fear of stepping on them.

Aglets, by the way, are the hard, plastic-coated tips at the end of your shoelaces.

But anyway I'm digressing.

I had the most wonderful start to the morning. And by that I do not mean the "waking up feeling like a zombie with a headache". I got my wish.

On Sunday morning when I woke up I weighed 198lbs. I purposely didn't weigh myself yesterday because after my aunt's enforced Beef Casserole, I was too scared. (On a sidenote, I need to figure out how many calories are in the casserole because it's driving me crazy. I had three canned new potatoes, a scoop or two of the casserole - which really just translates to four chunks of stewing beef with some carrots and onions and a packet sauce-gravy-stuff - and a serving of butter-roasted yams. Sigh. That was the worst part. And I fucking love yams/sweet potatoes). Anyway I doubt I lost anything between Sunday morning and yesterday morning.

Yesterday my plan was to eat nothing and I ALMOST succeeded. All day at work (and I was at work for a straight 10 hours, I might add) all I had was water, some vitamins, and a few cups of strawberry tea with Splenda. When I got home, I chatted to a friend of mine, and that's when I caved - and had a handful of cheese Doritos. Not too many so I'm going to guess maybe 100 calories worth, which in the grand scheme of thing isn't much. So I'm not chalking yesterday up to an overall failure, it could have been MUCH, much worse.

So this morning I woke up and said to myself "I want to be 195" but doubted it would happen. 3lbs in a day is a bit of a stretch even considering I had eaten nearly nothing the day before. But I stepped on the scale and - drumroll please? - 195.0lbs. I was 195 EXACTLY, and that totally set me up for a good day. Booya!

I'm going to try for more of the same today. I'm limiting myself to a maximum of 100 calories, but am going to aim for nothing. At work I've got my water, vitamins, and strawberry tea - and when I get home, if I really feel the need, I'll have a cup-a-soup or a nonfat yogurt, which will keep my total at or below 100 calories.

The best part of this is that I'm not even hungry. If I ate anything right now I know it would just be for the sake of it, and that's no reason to indulge. Eat when you're hungry, and I'm not. Which is awesome.

I'm feeling really positive again. Seeing the numbers drop so quickly really affirms that I CAN DO THIS, I'm not a failure. Yes, I slipped up in the midst of a sickening depression, but I can fix that, and I can keep going. My goal is to try to drop 4 Stone (or around 56lbs) in 5 months. So I'm only aiming for a loss of around 10lbs per month which I think is doable, providing I stick to my guns and don't let weakness consume me. I mean hell, I'm already down 3lbs today, right?

And once again, I'm really looking forward to my aunts going away. On the one hand, I get lonely and like to be around people, but on the other hand I'm actually a pretty solitary person. And it's SO much easier doing this when people aren't hovering over you and asking what you've eaten today. It makes me fantasize about having my own apartment downtown, and just being on my own and not having to deal with the bullshit of other people. I can come home and have a sliced apple with cinnamon and splenda for dinner after work and nobody can say a god damn thing.

The problem is, I really can't afford to live on my own. Not at least until January, at LEAST. I make a halfway decent amount of money, but I also like to spend it. I'm going to Canada in September and Cancun in December and, if I had to pay rent for an apartment plus bills on top, there's no way I would be able to afford that. AND to be able to spend a couple hundred a month on makeup and clothes AND still have savings. I'm accustomed to having money spare, and moving out on my own will make me essentially broke. All the time.

It's not so bad though I guess. To be perfectly honest, once my aunts have their Gastric Bypass surgeries this summer, I don't think they will have any right to tell me off for not eating anything. I've said it before and I stand by it: weight loss surgery is a self-inflicted and enforced eating disorder. It's just forcing them to eat teeny tiny amounts, which in turn makes them lose weight. How is that any different from what we do? (but, minus the will power). I can't wait for them to have the surgery, seriously.

Also, thanks to you guys who have shown interest in the ED-Foodblog! I'm really excited about it. As you've probably seen I've already put together a rather large list of less than 50kcal and 50>100kcal foods. The next order of business is to start getting recipes together. I've already got one, which my fabulously amazing friend and partner-in-crime K has sent to me... which will be added to the blog once it decides to actually appear in my email inbox. I'll be searching the internet and some cookbooks for some, but as always I'd be more than grateful if you decided to send me your favourites =] (On that note, don't worry if you don't have the exact calorie or nutritional details. There's a "recipe analyzer" on http://www.caloriecount.about.com/ that lets you work it out. So if you don't have the info, just send me the recipe and I'll figure out the calories from it =])

Mucho Love,
Vee xox

A rare good day

Yes, after days and days of feeling like an absolute bag of shit, today is a thankfully good day.

First, I went to bed last night at 9pm. Yeah. I've been so drained lately and with my insomnia rearing it's ugly head with more force than usual, I've been trying to get to bed super early. My reasoning was "the more time spent in bed, the more oppourtunity I have to get a total of a few hours' sleep over the course of the night". For the most part, this has been a total bust. But last night it seemed to work.

I also got to stay in bed an extra hour this morning whoo! Eleven hours in bed sounds like a lot, but I probably slept five or so. And I woke up with a headache, but this is still the best I have felt in a while. I immediately went to weigh myself. The bad news is, I haven't lost. The good news is, even though I probably had too much humous last night, I didn't gain either. I'm exactly the same today as I was yesterday, down to the tenth-of-a-pound. So I can't really complain.

Getting ready for work was leisurely to a degree, or at the very least, wasn't rushed. Normally I'm rushing around to be ready to walk out the door at exactly 7:30 in the morning, but since I wasn't keeping to someone else's schedule today, it wasn't so frantic.

Back in January, I bought a top online. A white and red gingham bodice type top, with a halter neck, made from a fitted, boned vintage 1950s pattern. When it came, I tried it on, and physically couldn't do it up. I had to get my aunt to yank up the zipper, and it just was not happening. We finally got it closed but it was super tight and looked horrendous.

Well, on a whim I got it out this morning and managed to get it zipped up with no problems! It's still a little tight near the bottom around the upper hip area, but it fits aside from that and looks great. I just put a thin white hoodie on over the top and zipped it up halfway to cover the very bottom bit. It looks fabulous. I'm even going braless with it on, even though I have those kind of breasts that should never, ever, go anywhere but bed and the shower without some manner of underwire (I'm naturally top-heavy, and these puppies are not the perkiest in the land, unfortunately. I've thought long and hard about a breast lift, but... I can't even afford a £450 deposit on my own apartment, there's no way I can afford cosmetic surgery).

Anyway, I feel gorgeous today. This top, because it's fitted and boned, accentuates my waist and makes it look smaller, which is awesome. I'm still huge, but I feel pretty, and not as horrendous as I usuallydo. Which is, to quote Martha Stewart, a good thing.

I've been really productive today too, considering I'm only working 6.25 hours today as opposed to the 8.5+ I usually work. Already I've compiled two full sets of complicated training notes and sent out two other pieces of work I had to do for another team. I've got another one or two sets of training notes to do, plus about four or five letters to write and send out for the other team. And even though I'm leaving in three and a half hours, I'm confident it'll get done. Whoo, this is awesome. Also, the training notes I've written are very easy to understand and awesome. The notes we usually get from the training team are usually HORRIBLE COMPLICATED and make the easiest work look like rocket science. So I wrote my own instead and I'm very damn pleased with myself.

Today is a 100 day, and my food plan is to have some stock "soup" and a pot of 10cal sugarfree jello. Mmm. I felt kind of faint and out of it this morning, which is a good thing. I love this feeling. Right now I've got a tonn of energy, though. I can't sit still. Yay, extra calorie expenditure!

Also, I tried a new green tea - with jasmine as opposed to "just" green tea on its own. And I love it. It's got a slightly different taste and seems much sweeter to me. I love it. You should try it.

Oh. My. God.

I met a guy at the gym.

I know. People always ask me if I met any cute guys at the gym. And I'm always like "Don't be fucking stupid, that kind of thing never happens for REAL. That's movies!"

But it happened! And he was cute.

The story is kind of retarded though. Basically I accidentally assaulted him with a cross-trainer.

I walked over to a cross-trainer and put my water bottle on it, then noticed there was some paper towel stuff that someone before me had left, so I went to throw it away. When I came back, this guy was leaning against the front of the treadmill, so I hopped on and said "Excuse me?" ... Well, the arm that I was expecting to go backward went forward and nailed him in the back of the shoulder. Sigh.

So I was all embarassed and apologised PROFUSELY but he was okay with it and laughed it off. So I started working the cross-trainer and he started talking to me. Apparently he works there and was on a break so he'd come into the cardio room to watch Cricket for a bit. So not only did I assault a cute guy, I assaulted the STAFF. We wound up talking for twenty minutes and then he had to go downstairs for pool-duty and asked if I'd come talk to him. Unfortunately, I had to leave to catch my bus. If I missed it, I'd have no way to get home =/

But he did ask if I'm going tomorrow and I told him I am sooo I might see him tomorrow. How exciting!

Then he asked if I've had a fitness plan made (my gym does a free assessment and plan for you when you join) and I said no, so he asked if I wanted one and I was like "Um no it's ok thanks, I probably wouldn't stick to it anyway." But in reality I was thinking "I don't want the cute, super fit, sporty guy to see how super ridiculously UNfit the fat chick who hit him with the cross-trainer is."

Man, I'm doing SO WELL today too. I only burned 300 calories at the gym, but while I was on the cross trainer I was talking to him, and I can't work hard and talk at the same time. When I got home, before I climbed into a hot bath, I weighed myself. And the scale said 189.6. ONE EIGHT NINE POINT SIX. That's almost two full pounds lighter than this morning! And USUALLY I'm around two pounds heavier at night than I am the next morning. So this has me WAY excited. I'd been hoping to hit 190 tomorrow morning, so if I'm back into the 180s I will be SO RIDICULOUSLY THRILLED.

Wow, lots of caps haha.

The best part is, I've done AMAZINGLY well today. It was a 200 day on ABC but I've been trying to restrict harder to make up for Valentine's Day Weekend Doomsday. I posted my "plan" earlier, but I did even better. I've had nothing since my 17 calorie broth at lunchtime =] GO ME.

I honestly think this is the least I've ever "eaten" in one day. Zero solid food (even though my aunts, who are both going for gastric bypass surgery, sigh, went to the fish and chip shop and asked me if I wanted something. I so could have had chips and gravy. But I said no. Also, I had no money. SO THIS IS GOOD. I need to not carry money on me, obviously. Although, I would have said no anyway, I could've borrowed it off my aunt if I wanted to.) and only 17 calories. Even on a fast day I tried to do with my first try at ABC, I think I had 40 calories.

YAY. SO psyched right now, you have no idea.