So, back into the ABC world I go.
But before I get into that, last night!
Last night was pretty awesome. My makeup looked fabulous, but my camera wouldn't take a decent picture, nevermind the fact that my face looked effing HUGE in all of them. Sigh.
But anyway. At first I was really not looking forward to going out. I was exhausted and I'm already basically broke and payday isn't for another 3-4 weeks. Plus, the place H and S2 decided to go was horrible. For some reason, before heading to the gayclub that was the night's destination, they decided they wanted to start off in this really grungy area full of hobos and chavs and dirty old men. The first pub we went into had karaoke on, and a group if about 6 uber-chavvy guys and this woman who wasn't quite all there mentally kept trying their best to DESTROY THE WORLD with their vocals. It was horrible but kind of amusing. Who knew the chav-dance was derived from the ever-terrible dad-dance?
From there we went to another pub, which was more of the same crap, but less karaoke and more dirty old men and Motown music that kept skipping.
Finally got to the gayclub and in the end it was a decent night out. A friend's partner somehow managed to get me cage-dancing with her at one point. Apparently my aunt got it on video, BUT IT WILL NEVER SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY. I hit my Most New Year's Kisses last year... Two lesbian friends of ours, H's husband, and some random gay dude I have never met. This adorable drag queen came over to give me a hug too, and she was so sweet. She looked good, unlike a lot of bad crossdressers that tend to frequent that place, but seemed really shy and quiet and was mostly sat on her own. She danced with us for a while before we left.
It was a night of revelations too. While we were sitting with some drinks after the dancing and just before leaving, my aunt turned to me and asked "V, what's your opinion on men dressed in women's clothes?" And I just shrugged, you know, to each their own. I don't care. I'm friends with drag queens, my best guyfriend is gay, and my sister is marrying a crossdresser. It's all good. Well apparently our buddy S2, H's hubby, occasionally cross-dresses. And I guess he was scared about how we would take it. He told my aunts after much hesitation but in the end he couldn't bring himself to tell me and got my aunt to do it. Which is weird, I suppose maybe he wasn't sure how we'd react and what I'd think. Pff, whatever.
Of course now we've got plans to take him out on the town in full regalia and I'm on Makeup Artist duties. Which actually sounds like a shitton of fun.
The downside is he has better legs than any of the women in the club. Bastard.
So, we got home maybe around 2? And had something to eat (a cheese toastie each made in these handy toaster packet things) before bed. And it was absolutely fucking freezing, so I grabbed my hot water bottle and put the kettle on to fill it up and make J a cup of coffee. Only, while I was filling the hot water bottle, I wasn't paying attention to what I was doing (I can't even blame it on intoxication as I was only slightly inebriated and hangover-free) and poured boiling water all over my thumb. The damage is concentrated mostly on the top hanlf, only a little bit of scalding extending below the joint. But fuckshit it hurt like a mother.
In the end I didn't get to sleep until after 5:30 because the pain was so intense. I wound up with an ice pack on it, but after a while that wasn't cold enough anymore, so I got a face cloth and a mug of cold-cold water and kept dipping the cloth in water and wrapping it around my thumb. The only problem is, once the heat had transferred and the cloth wasn't icy anymore, it started burning all over again so I had to repeat. It took forever to get to sleep and a corner of my bed is still damp from the wet cloths.
In the end I managed to get to sleep though - after I decided that cutting off the blood flow to the burned area might make it hurt less / at least stop throbbing, so I wrapped a hair elastic several times around under the knuckle. Sure enough, as the blood flow slowed, the burning sensation mostly went away and I was able to pass out. OF COURSE this probably wasn't the best idea. When I woke up this morning, I couldn't feel my thumb at all and when I took the elastic band off, there was a deep mark in my skin where it had bitten into the flesh for several hours, and it looked pretty bruised from the pressure. Oops!
Whatever though, at least I got some fucking sleep!
It's still sore today but not really burny-throbby thank goodness, so at least I didn't sear the flesh off or anything, ew.
Upside to today, is that I'm down 2lbs from yesterday. Which gives me a net weight loss of 4.8lbs since we got home from Mexico. Granted, that was a week and a half ago, but progress is progress, right? I'm not comfortable enough with my numbers to post them here yet, but once I manage to get back into the 100's (i'm not THAT far above but still self-conscious about it) I will. In the meantime I'm keeping track in a spreadsheet.
So today is Day 1 of my ABC. I might wind up a little over, as I couldn't get out of going to McDonald's for lunch. Had a burger, a couple of fries (literally only a couple, I gave the rest to J), and a Sprite to drink, and the calories are 510 according to an online source. I felt really sick and thought I was going to vomit before we left, but I didn't and I have mixed feelings. Throwing up = involuntary purging which means no calories but I don't have to feel guilty about inducing a purge and turning to Mia's "dark side." On the other hand, purging is purging and I hate being sick and hoping for an "involuntary" purge still makes it Mia, doesn't it?
So, I kept it down. It's nearly 4pm and I'm 10 calories over my limit for today, but that's not so bad. My aunt knows I felt sick earlier though so I can probably quite easily get out of eating anything else for the rest of the day. So Day 1 is mostly a success, I think, as long as I can keep away from food for the rest of the day =]
Day 2 tomorrow is another 500 day which should be easy enough - I'm going out with S and maybe L tomorrow and we're meeting for coffee, so I might just get a plain coffee with skimmed milk and splenda, eat nothing and when I get home I can tell my aunt that we went to lunch and I stuffed myself so I'm not hungry for anything to eat for dinner.
Day 3 on Sunday is going to be difficult though. It's a 300 calorie day, but I've got my grandparents coming over for Sunday Dinner with turkey-etc. I'll probably wind up going a little over, but I figure my aunts know "I'm on a diet" so whatever is served to me I do not need to feel obligated to finish it at all, and shouldn't get a lot of hack for leaving food on my plate. I think what I might do it just eat like, half of what's served to me. The calories shouldn't be TOO bad - we are having turkey, Stovetop Stuffing and mashed potatoes and gravy, but the rest is just veggies like cabbage and maybe cauliflower. It will probably still be over 300 though. I'll just have to compensate on Monday and cut my calories down a bit further I guess.
Anyway, that's the plan for the next few days. Today I'm still super tired, but I need to sort my room out. I still haven't unpacked, haha, so it looks so cluttered in here!
Happy New Year to you all! What are your resolutions? Beside the obvious lol.
My resolutions are to:
1. Lose at least 50lbs by the time I go to Canada in the summer (that's a conservative 10lbs a month and that should be doable, right?)
2. Continue my Japanese learning and use at least one medium each day (Rosetta Stone, DS Game, Kana flashcards)
3. Draw up a list of weight loss rewards and stick to it!
4. Join a gym and go at least 3 times every week for an average of 2 hours a day. Ideally more but this will be my minimum.
5. See ABC through to the very end!
6. Find someone to love
There was more that I wanted to definitely accomplish this year, but now that it comes to writing it out, I can't quite remember what they were =/
Anyway I'm going to go for a nap! Have a great one, skinnies!
Vee xox
Showing posts with label Holidays. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Holidays. Show all posts
Friday, 1 January 2010
Friday, 25 December 2009
Merry Christmassss (or insert other holiday or nonholiday you celebrate here)
Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit.
Today's Christmas dinner didn't go too badly. Christmas is almost always a cheat day, so I'm trying not to feel guilty but damnit it's hard. I didn't eat too much, and most of it was vegetables (like carrots and brussel sprouts, and is it weird that I fucking LOVE sprouts, when they're cooked til they're soggy and barely need chewing and eaten with a lot of salt and basically no other nutritional value left?), but there were also mashed potatoes, one roast potato piece, one piece of roast parsnip, a little stuffing and a slice and a half of turkey crown. Dessert was ice cream, which only added about 80 calories on top. Everyone else was devouring Christmas pudding with tons of cream and brandy butter and thick ass custard, but just looking at it made me feel ill. Blech.
But. I have to do it all again tomorrow. I can't remember if I blogged about this in the past couple days but it completely slipped my mind today that my granny is doing Christmas dinner tomorrow at her house, since my aunt missed it today. So, we're talking the full works all over again. =/
And then Sunday my aunts and I are going out for a Christmas meal with some mutual friends (H and S2) and they booked this well before we went away but I completely fucking blanked. And then we're supposed to be going out for dinner again at this restaurant near home that I absolutely detest - all it has is fatty foods, even the two salads on the menu have a ton of shit in them, fuck - and I do not remember agreeing to this one but of course I'm obligated to go. I'm not even sure who is going but I think it's my aunt's work folks?
Then Friday is new year's eve and we're going out... New Year's Eve is also H's birthday, so we're supposed to be hitting town. Which means alcohol. Maybe I'll get so drunk on spirits (like, vodka and diet coke) that I'll be hungover for the rest of the weekend and therefore have an excuse to ditch the New Year's Meal Slash Sunday Dinner J is cooking for my grandparents to come over next Sunday? In either case, I'm starting ABC on Jan 1st, so it'll be a 500 day. I can get through a family dinner on a 500 day, I'm sure. And, plus my aunts know full well I'm trying to lose weight.
In fact my aunt actually criticized me over it while we were away. I was telling her I'm going to "start taking dieting very seriously come the new year and need to see how much cash I have so I can rejoin my gym and everything" and being really positive. I wanted to make it clear that I have a set "start date" as it were so come the new year when my aunts are suggesting ordering pizza or hitting McDonald's on the way home from the cinema, I can just say "dude no, I'm losing weight remember? I can't eat that and you know it" - kind of a means to pre-empt their interference with my plans to restart ABC.
But anyway, what she said to me was "Make sure you do because I don't want you to wind up like me. I kept putting it off and making excuses for gaining weight and just never went ahead and lost it and then realized, how the fuck did I Get so fat?"
And I was thinking, thanks for being supportive, fuck. But then I realized, that kind of criticism is EXACTLY what I need right now. Fuck complacency and apathy. Tell me I'm fat and I'll prove you wrong. Granted I haven't shifted the weight I gained in Canada, but it's not like I put on two stone and am trying to justify it. I've been trying to restrict but it's just been IMPOSSIBLE the past while. But at this point it's crystal clear that I'm "dieting" and "cutting back" and "losing weight." If anything else, the fact that I'm Maid of Honour for my sister's wedding in February 2011 is just extra motivation, on top of the fact that my aunt basically called me Fat.
Incidentally, before her surgery she took to nicknaming her belly fat. The top roll is called Ben and the lower stomach fat is Jemimah. While we were in Mexico, I was sitting on our balcony area in possibly the most unflattering pair of hipster jeans that always make my middle look bigger than they are (I packed the wrong pair in my haste =/) and she said "Look! You have a Ben bit too!"
Like, bitch just called me fat AND named my stomach. And expected me to laugh about it.
Fuck this bullshit. I'm upset and pissed off but I'm going to channel this emotion into DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
I can't get out of the meals coming up this week, but I *can* make those meals the only things I'm eating for the next several days. I'm going to try to restrict as far as I can on Wed-Thurs-Fri as well. Meaning, I'm planning on trying to fast but with Thursday's alcohol consumption my aunt will probably be on my case to eat something "substantial" before we go out. But hopefully I'll feel so shitty on Friday I won't be able to. That said, Friday is Day One of ABC. And fuckshit,I think I just miscounted my days because I thought above that Sunday is Day 2 but according to that, it's actually Day 3. Whatever, I'll do my best to stick to the calorie restrictions while humoring my family as best I can at dinner.
This post is more random and disjointed than usual and for that I apologise. As I was writing I kept remembering more things and getting more pissed off about them.
So, incidentally, MERRY CHRISTMAS/HAPPY HOLIDAYS. I hope you've all had an awesome day and the Family Eating Events haven't been too stressful for you. I'm going to go hate myself, my life, and the people in it now.
Vee xox
(ps: I already mentioned this but it's worth saying again, that I'm on Facebook under Vee Seethrough if you want to add me =] Also, if you want to email correspondence or chat on MSN, drop me a comment here with your address or send me an email to xsnuffondigital@live.co.uk. Hope to hear from you soon dolls!)
Today's Christmas dinner didn't go too badly. Christmas is almost always a cheat day, so I'm trying not to feel guilty but damnit it's hard. I didn't eat too much, and most of it was vegetables (like carrots and brussel sprouts, and is it weird that I fucking LOVE sprouts, when they're cooked til they're soggy and barely need chewing and eaten with a lot of salt and basically no other nutritional value left?), but there were also mashed potatoes, one roast potato piece, one piece of roast parsnip, a little stuffing and a slice and a half of turkey crown. Dessert was ice cream, which only added about 80 calories on top. Everyone else was devouring Christmas pudding with tons of cream and brandy butter and thick ass custard, but just looking at it made me feel ill. Blech.
But. I have to do it all again tomorrow. I can't remember if I blogged about this in the past couple days but it completely slipped my mind today that my granny is doing Christmas dinner tomorrow at her house, since my aunt missed it today. So, we're talking the full works all over again. =/
And then Sunday my aunts and I are going out for a Christmas meal with some mutual friends (H and S2) and they booked this well before we went away but I completely fucking blanked. And then we're supposed to be going out for dinner again at this restaurant near home that I absolutely detest - all it has is fatty foods, even the two salads on the menu have a ton of shit in them, fuck - and I do not remember agreeing to this one but of course I'm obligated to go. I'm not even sure who is going but I think it's my aunt's work folks?
Then Friday is new year's eve and we're going out... New Year's Eve is also H's birthday, so we're supposed to be hitting town. Which means alcohol. Maybe I'll get so drunk on spirits (like, vodka and diet coke) that I'll be hungover for the rest of the weekend and therefore have an excuse to ditch the New Year's Meal Slash Sunday Dinner J is cooking for my grandparents to come over next Sunday? In either case, I'm starting ABC on Jan 1st, so it'll be a 500 day. I can get through a family dinner on a 500 day, I'm sure. And, plus my aunts know full well I'm trying to lose weight.
In fact my aunt actually criticized me over it while we were away. I was telling her I'm going to "start taking dieting very seriously come the new year and need to see how much cash I have so I can rejoin my gym and everything" and being really positive. I wanted to make it clear that I have a set "start date" as it were so come the new year when my aunts are suggesting ordering pizza or hitting McDonald's on the way home from the cinema, I can just say "dude no, I'm losing weight remember? I can't eat that and you know it" - kind of a means to pre-empt their interference with my plans to restart ABC.
But anyway, what she said to me was "Make sure you do because I don't want you to wind up like me. I kept putting it off and making excuses for gaining weight and just never went ahead and lost it and then realized, how the fuck did I Get so fat?"
And I was thinking, thanks for being supportive, fuck. But then I realized, that kind of criticism is EXACTLY what I need right now. Fuck complacency and apathy. Tell me I'm fat and I'll prove you wrong. Granted I haven't shifted the weight I gained in Canada, but it's not like I put on two stone and am trying to justify it. I've been trying to restrict but it's just been IMPOSSIBLE the past while. But at this point it's crystal clear that I'm "dieting" and "cutting back" and "losing weight." If anything else, the fact that I'm Maid of Honour for my sister's wedding in February 2011 is just extra motivation, on top of the fact that my aunt basically called me Fat.
Incidentally, before her surgery she took to nicknaming her belly fat. The top roll is called Ben and the lower stomach fat is Jemimah. While we were in Mexico, I was sitting on our balcony area in possibly the most unflattering pair of hipster jeans that always make my middle look bigger than they are (I packed the wrong pair in my haste =/) and she said "Look! You have a Ben bit too!"
Like, bitch just called me fat AND named my stomach. And expected me to laugh about it.
Fuck this bullshit. I'm upset and pissed off but I'm going to channel this emotion into DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
I can't get out of the meals coming up this week, but I *can* make those meals the only things I'm eating for the next several days. I'm going to try to restrict as far as I can on Wed-Thurs-Fri as well. Meaning, I'm planning on trying to fast but with Thursday's alcohol consumption my aunt will probably be on my case to eat something "substantial" before we go out. But hopefully I'll feel so shitty on Friday I won't be able to. That said, Friday is Day One of ABC. And fuckshit,I think I just miscounted my days because I thought above that Sunday is Day 2 but according to that, it's actually Day 3. Whatever, I'll do my best to stick to the calorie restrictions while humoring my family as best I can at dinner.
This post is more random and disjointed than usual and for that I apologise. As I was writing I kept remembering more things and getting more pissed off about them.
So, incidentally, MERRY CHRISTMAS/HAPPY HOLIDAYS. I hope you've all had an awesome day and the Family Eating Events haven't been too stressful for you. I'm going to go hate myself, my life, and the people in it now.
Vee xox
(ps: I already mentioned this but it's worth saying again, that I'm on Facebook under Vee Seethrough if you want to add me =] Also, if you want to email correspondence or chat on MSN, drop me a comment here with your address or send me an email to xsnuffondigital@live.co.uk. Hope to hear from you soon dolls!)
Thursday, 24 December 2009
Acute Sinusitis
Ugh, so the sinus infection I've had since before my trip to Mexico still hasn't gone away, even though I was taking 1500mg of antibiotics every day for a week. So, I went back to the doctor this morning and she's given me something else to try... Just one pill a day for a week and hopefully this will clear it up. Ugh.
Went into work after and took my first pill (today I take two) and not twenty minutes later I felt really dizzy and nauseous and sick, and had to run to the bathroom. Was nearly sick a billion times but held my shit together, because I didn't want to throw up the damn medicine. But then I went and told my manager I'm not well at all so he let me go home again. I called my grandparents and asked if my grandpa would drive me home if I got the bus/tram to their house, and of course he obliged. But I had to stop off in town on the way to get my grandmother's Christmas present and a box of chocolates to take to my great-aunt and -uncle's house tomorrow. The entire time I was struggling not to be sick and felt absolutely terrible =///
The upside is, the idea of food makes me feel horrendous. I got to my grandmother's house and had half a slice of toast (shared the rest of it with her dog), and hung out a bit before my grandpa brought me home. When I got here I microwaved a pouch of rice and had a single bite of it before throwing it away. I love rice, I have to admit it's a weakness of mine, but today it just disgusted me. Which is for sure a good thing! I've got a ton of chocolate around me in the house right now, but I'm not actually tempted at all to eat it. So I guess in that sense, being sick is a good thing. I don't think it's JUST being sick though...
I feel like I'm just fed up of food in general. That doesn't make any sense does it?
Last night was horrible, I had a really bad headache - sinus headache - that kept me up even though I was super super tired. So I'm kind of glad I had a reason to get out of work. It was ridiculously quiet in there anyway so it's not a big loss. I apologised to my manager because I feel like such a flake, but he was okay about it, told me "you can't help it!" and wished me a merry Christmas and all that.
It's my aunt's birthday (she's 38 today!) so tonight we'll all be going over to my grandma's house again for a couple of hours in the evening. We do this every year, go to granny's house and hang out. Sometimes they used to stay over there for the night too, when I lived there, and then we'd have Christmas there. But not this year. The plan is to get takeout to eat too, usually either Chinese or KFC or something, but I feel terrible and have no desire whatsoever to eat, which is pretty awesome =]
Anyway, Merry Christmas (or whatever other holidays you celibrate (or don't celebrate)) to you all, I'll probably post later tomorrow to update but in any case, have a great one.
Stay Strong,
Vee xox
Went into work after and took my first pill (today I take two) and not twenty minutes later I felt really dizzy and nauseous and sick, and had to run to the bathroom. Was nearly sick a billion times but held my shit together, because I didn't want to throw up the damn medicine. But then I went and told my manager I'm not well at all so he let me go home again. I called my grandparents and asked if my grandpa would drive me home if I got the bus/tram to their house, and of course he obliged. But I had to stop off in town on the way to get my grandmother's Christmas present and a box of chocolates to take to my great-aunt and -uncle's house tomorrow. The entire time I was struggling not to be sick and felt absolutely terrible =///
The upside is, the idea of food makes me feel horrendous. I got to my grandmother's house and had half a slice of toast (shared the rest of it with her dog), and hung out a bit before my grandpa brought me home. When I got here I microwaved a pouch of rice and had a single bite of it before throwing it away. I love rice, I have to admit it's a weakness of mine, but today it just disgusted me. Which is for sure a good thing! I've got a ton of chocolate around me in the house right now, but I'm not actually tempted at all to eat it. So I guess in that sense, being sick is a good thing. I don't think it's JUST being sick though...
I feel like I'm just fed up of food in general. That doesn't make any sense does it?
Last night was horrible, I had a really bad headache - sinus headache - that kept me up even though I was super super tired. So I'm kind of glad I had a reason to get out of work. It was ridiculously quiet in there anyway so it's not a big loss. I apologised to my manager because I feel like such a flake, but he was okay about it, told me "you can't help it!" and wished me a merry Christmas and all that.
It's my aunt's birthday (she's 38 today!) so tonight we'll all be going over to my grandma's house again for a couple of hours in the evening. We do this every year, go to granny's house and hang out. Sometimes they used to stay over there for the night too, when I lived there, and then we'd have Christmas there. But not this year. The plan is to get takeout to eat too, usually either Chinese or KFC or something, but I feel terrible and have no desire whatsoever to eat, which is pretty awesome =]
Anyway, Merry Christmas (or whatever other holidays you celibrate (or don't celebrate)) to you all, I'll probably post later tomorrow to update but in any case, have a great one.
Stay Strong,
Vee xox
Monday, 21 December 2009
Totals
Today is boring as hell. Checked out of our room around 11, bought some super nice jewellery (a ring and some earrings) from the gift shop at the hotel that I'd been eyeing both here and at various shops since I got here (will post pics later <3)
Since then we've been sitting around in the lobby waiting for our coach to pick us up to take us to the airport. The coach doesn't come until 4:30, it's only 3 now, and we've already been waiting for HOURS. The Travel Folk decided to go for lunch a little under an hour ago, and I had three pieces of the most disgusting tortellini I've ever tasted (which nearly made me sick and was in a nacho cheese sauce. Barf). And then my aunt made me eat two pieces of her super-small club sandwich-on-toast, since she saw me eat three pieces of pasta... nearly made me order desset but I resisted and said my stomach was still feeling upset and I was feeling ill and didn't want to, so got out of that. Breakfast was a couple breakfast sausages and maybe one scrambled egg. Equally gross, and I felt physically sick. I took some French toast with fried bananas for show but didn't have a single bite =]
Really looking forward to starting ABC on New Year's now.
But in the meantime I might actually DIE from the boredom I'm feeling right now. It's 3, but it's another 5+ hours until the flight. And I only have an hour of internet time left, and 3 hours on my laptop battery. I might save it so I can watch a movie at the airport or on the plane.. Siiiigh.
Hope you're all doing okay. Stay strong!
Vee xox
Since then we've been sitting around in the lobby waiting for our coach to pick us up to take us to the airport. The coach doesn't come until 4:30, it's only 3 now, and we've already been waiting for HOURS. The Travel Folk decided to go for lunch a little under an hour ago, and I had three pieces of the most disgusting tortellini I've ever tasted (which nearly made me sick and was in a nacho cheese sauce. Barf). And then my aunt made me eat two pieces of her super-small club sandwich-on-toast, since she saw me eat three pieces of pasta... nearly made me order desset but I resisted and said my stomach was still feeling upset and I was feeling ill and didn't want to, so got out of that. Breakfast was a couple breakfast sausages and maybe one scrambled egg. Equally gross, and I felt physically sick. I took some French toast with fried bananas for show but didn't have a single bite =]
Really looking forward to starting ABC on New Year's now.
But in the meantime I might actually DIE from the boredom I'm feeling right now. It's 3, but it's another 5+ hours until the flight. And I only have an hour of internet time left, and 3 hours on my laptop battery. I might save it so I can watch a movie at the airport or on the plane.. Siiiigh.
Hope you're all doing okay. Stay strong!
Vee xox
Friday, 18 December 2009
Viva La Mexico
Bleh. I'm so bad at updating this thing. In my defense, I haven't had internet access that's been stable for Christ knows how long. I finally got a new wireless receiver, so I *should* be able to get back to blogging a lot.
But anyway. Here's my vast update.
Canada: I gained weight. I knew that I would and had kind of resigned myself to that fact, since the outings were things I could not worm my way out of (though I did manage to skip a couple meals while out with friends by claiming I'd eaten before going out). I know I've already written about this before, but the reason I bring it up again is because I still haven't managed to lose the weight I gained while I was there. And that is fucking horrible.
Right now I'm in Mexico, on vacation with family (my aunts, my granny, my granny's friend and Friend's Annoying Daughter). Mexico is amazing except that I want to cry all the time because I have to wear a bathing suit and am fatter than basically EVERYONE else here. We go home on Monday Mexico time and get back to England on Tuesday afternoon English time. On the one hand I'm looking forward to getting home and being able to refocus on my goals and settle back into a routine - these buffet dinners here are just exacerbating the stress that's been feeding on me for a long while. People are always eyeing what I'm eating, how much I'm eating, and it's driving me insane. The upside has been free frozen cocktails. The downside has been the calories included in said cocktails. I can't win right now.
When I go home I'm stepping up the game. I'm toying with the idea of just redoing ABC after Christmas is over (there are many family dinners and shit going on that I simply won't be able to get out of / won't be able to stick to ABC for a week or so, and I'd rather restrict on my own as much as I can and then do ABC right when I know that I can). So I think that's what I'm going to do.
That aside, I've been so depressed lately that I don't know what to do with myself. I haven't been this down in years and I don't know what to fucking do about it. I'm one huge ball of stress right now. About a month to six weeks ago, work decided that they needed me to move to another department. They didn't ask me or give me details, they just said hey, on Monday morning go up to the third floor and they'll tell you what they need you to do.
Turns out I'm now working on a fucking pensions helpdesk.
I don't know how to explain my aversion to telephone work. I hate it. I hate it so much that I am on the verge of a constant panic attack every minute I'm at work. Every minute that I'm at home and think about work. Every second I spend in bed trying to sleep but dreading having to get up and do it all over again the next morning. I cried several times at work and I feel like I might actually need to leave. My old manager has been speaking to his manager and heads-of-the-departments to try to get me moved back to his team, but it's been unsuccessful. But I just can't do this. My new manager took me aside and said, if I'm feeling bad and need to take ten minutes to go cry, just tell him I'm stepping away for a few and that's fine.
I'm sorry but what kind of bullshit is that? Why the fuck should I be in a position where I hate my job so much that it's making me depressed to the point that the prospect of throwing myself in front of a bus is looking preferable to having to go back to that shit hole, that I have to take a few minutes out of my working day to go cry? Every. Day.
It sounds whiney and inconsequential and I just really can't put into words how I feel about this. I hate it so much. I actually loved my job, and not two weeks after I finally recognized the fact that "oh shit, I love my job, when did that happen?" they moved me. And I've been so down, so low, hating every minute of it. It's not any one aspect of the job, it's the whole thing together. I'm not a phone kind of person to begin with either - I have to psych myself up for half an hour to call my bank to question a charge, and then get flustered and confuse myself and the operator while I'm on.
So, I think after Christmas I'm also going to be looking into a new job. I can't deal with this, and I refuse to stay somewhere that is making me so unhappy, that is so detrimental to my health and wellbeing. I had a week off with the stomach flu when I first moved to the new team, but in retrospect it wasn't the flu at all, it was me getting so stressed out that I made myself physically and violently ill for a week. Even now I feel nauseous and lightheaded when I think that next Wednesday morning I'll have to go back and do it all over again.
God, I hate this so much. More stress that I don't need.
I missed you girls and guys so damn much, you have no idea. Thank Christ for overpriced hotel WiFi. And a new wireless router at home.
Typing this makes me feel incrementally a little better every time I post an entry. Coming back here to you, is like coming home.
Thank you for being the one group of people I can talk to, can vent to and trust to understand and know and not judge. I love you all.
Now tell me what I've missed! I have so much catching up to do on your blogs!
Vee xoxoxox
But anyway. Here's my vast update.
Canada: I gained weight. I knew that I would and had kind of resigned myself to that fact, since the outings were things I could not worm my way out of (though I did manage to skip a couple meals while out with friends by claiming I'd eaten before going out). I know I've already written about this before, but the reason I bring it up again is because I still haven't managed to lose the weight I gained while I was there. And that is fucking horrible.
Right now I'm in Mexico, on vacation with family (my aunts, my granny, my granny's friend and Friend's Annoying Daughter). Mexico is amazing except that I want to cry all the time because I have to wear a bathing suit and am fatter than basically EVERYONE else here. We go home on Monday Mexico time and get back to England on Tuesday afternoon English time. On the one hand I'm looking forward to getting home and being able to refocus on my goals and settle back into a routine - these buffet dinners here are just exacerbating the stress that's been feeding on me for a long while. People are always eyeing what I'm eating, how much I'm eating, and it's driving me insane. The upside has been free frozen cocktails. The downside has been the calories included in said cocktails. I can't win right now.
When I go home I'm stepping up the game. I'm toying with the idea of just redoing ABC after Christmas is over (there are many family dinners and shit going on that I simply won't be able to get out of / won't be able to stick to ABC for a week or so, and I'd rather restrict on my own as much as I can and then do ABC right when I know that I can). So I think that's what I'm going to do.
That aside, I've been so depressed lately that I don't know what to do with myself. I haven't been this down in years and I don't know what to fucking do about it. I'm one huge ball of stress right now. About a month to six weeks ago, work decided that they needed me to move to another department. They didn't ask me or give me details, they just said hey, on Monday morning go up to the third floor and they'll tell you what they need you to do.
Turns out I'm now working on a fucking pensions helpdesk.
I don't know how to explain my aversion to telephone work. I hate it. I hate it so much that I am on the verge of a constant panic attack every minute I'm at work. Every minute that I'm at home and think about work. Every second I spend in bed trying to sleep but dreading having to get up and do it all over again the next morning. I cried several times at work and I feel like I might actually need to leave. My old manager has been speaking to his manager and heads-of-the-departments to try to get me moved back to his team, but it's been unsuccessful. But I just can't do this. My new manager took me aside and said, if I'm feeling bad and need to take ten minutes to go cry, just tell him I'm stepping away for a few and that's fine.
I'm sorry but what kind of bullshit is that? Why the fuck should I be in a position where I hate my job so much that it's making me depressed to the point that the prospect of throwing myself in front of a bus is looking preferable to having to go back to that shit hole, that I have to take a few minutes out of my working day to go cry? Every. Day.
It sounds whiney and inconsequential and I just really can't put into words how I feel about this. I hate it so much. I actually loved my job, and not two weeks after I finally recognized the fact that "oh shit, I love my job, when did that happen?" they moved me. And I've been so down, so low, hating every minute of it. It's not any one aspect of the job, it's the whole thing together. I'm not a phone kind of person to begin with either - I have to psych myself up for half an hour to call my bank to question a charge, and then get flustered and confuse myself and the operator while I'm on.
So, I think after Christmas I'm also going to be looking into a new job. I can't deal with this, and I refuse to stay somewhere that is making me so unhappy, that is so detrimental to my health and wellbeing. I had a week off with the stomach flu when I first moved to the new team, but in retrospect it wasn't the flu at all, it was me getting so stressed out that I made myself physically and violently ill for a week. Even now I feel nauseous and lightheaded when I think that next Wednesday morning I'll have to go back and do it all over again.
God, I hate this so much. More stress that I don't need.
I missed you girls and guys so damn much, you have no idea. Thank Christ for overpriced hotel WiFi. And a new wireless router at home.
Typing this makes me feel incrementally a little better every time I post an entry. Coming back here to you, is like coming home.
Thank you for being the one group of people I can talk to, can vent to and trust to understand and know and not judge. I love you all.
Now tell me what I've missed! I have so much catching up to do on your blogs!
Vee xoxoxox
Monday, 21 September 2009
Monster Update
Hey again everyone!
Sorry it’s taken me forever to post anything. I’ve been suffering majorly with my jet-lag (missed two extra days of work, boo!) and have now come down with a lovely little cold. My aunt was pretty sick at the same time I was in bed trying to recuperate and adjust to the time change (7 hour time difference =/) so I think she gave it to me. Either that or this is just my pussy immune system protesting against the sudden influx of cool, damp, gloomy weather after two solid weeks of hot sunshine.
First things first. My trip was awesome. I didn’t want to come back just yet, which is definitely saying something after the huge amount of trepidation I felt when the days were drawing closer and closer. The weather was amazing, a solid 25-31 degrees (Celsius of course) Every. Single. Day. It was not cloudy a single day or rainy or cold. At night it got a little cool but after the oppressive heat and sunshine glaring down all day, it was actually a nice reprieve.
My mother’s husband was no his best behaviour, and there was little to no drama at all while I was there, which I was very grateful for. Had I stayed another week or two, I think cracks would have appeared in the thin veneer he was wearing over his real face and personality, though.
I had two missions while I was there. One was to find a pair of cowboy boots to bring back with me. The other was to get a pair of nice black leather, block-heeled boots with rubber soles/traction, that I could use as winter boots over here. I used to have the perfect pair, bought back in my hometown circa… well, 5-7 years ago. And ever since I had to throw them away (when I first moved here, I was here for six months, then went back to Canada for 3 to pack the rest of my stuff and bring it over. I had to leave the boots there during the first stretch and while my family left them sitting in the entryway for six months, their cats peed on them and they reeked. I tried to wash and febreeze them, but no =[), I’ve been on the hunt for a decent replacement. England basically only sells three kinds of boots. Ugg style or generic flat ones, or skinny heels that should not be worn in winter in a city that is abundant with hills and which gets rain every other day, which then freezes in the winter. Sigh.
So, mission one was accomplished. My mom I guess told her husband that he was going to buy me some boots, and he appeared to have opted for the cowboy boots. So, my mom and I hit the mall, going to Lammles (western wear) and I found a nice black pair for around $130. Told my mother’s husband, and he started whining and complaining that we didn’t go to the Alberta Boot company, so when the weekend came he drove down there. I tried on a pair (he actually pointed them out and I liked them) and decided to get them. $300. All I can say is I’m glad I wasn’t buying because I doubt I’d have paid $300 for a pair of cowboy boots. They are super hot though. When I told D’s mom about it, she was like “oh god, why?” and I responded “I think he’s trying to suck up because he knows I don’t like him.” Even my mom knows, which she acknowledged at the airport after I had checked in and it was just she and I hanging around. My mom was like, well he’s not your father and you don’t like him but at least you only have to see him every once and a while and you don’t have to talk to him on the phone or anything when you’re not here, and you can let him buy you stuff when you’re here.
Lulz.
The other boots, however, were a total no-go. I hit at LEAST 20 different shoe stores (I am not even exaggerating) and couldn’t find anything. Lots of flats, tons of Ugg-style boots, and a billion spike-heels sans any traction. Sadface. In the end, D’s mom was dragging me to every shoe store and shoe outlet she knew of to try to find them, but it just didn’t happen. I found one pair that was suitable, but it was a final sale and they didn’t have my size. Fail!
Aside from that the trip was pretty generic. I mostly spent time with my two BFF’s, V and D, although separately. Highlights were:
· Meeting V’s friend for the first time (after V telling me how annoying she is) and then pointing out a trait that really bothered me – a trait V wasn’t aware of until I pointed it out. Then a couple days later getting a string of obscenity-laden text-messages telling me she couldn’t deal with this stupid person anymore and she was going crazy and wanted to kill herself and oh yeah, I just made it worse by pointing out another flaw.
· Staying up until 6 in the morning playing video games with V, and getting under 4 hours of sleep before having to head off for the lamest manicure from hell. A mutual friend from school bought V and I each a gift certificate to get a manicure and pedicure from a nail studio at the mall. So, we made time for that but told the people there that we wanted the mani but not the pedi (I think it’s a bit weird for strangers to be fooling around with my feet =/ ) so we got that done. It cost $19 to basically cut, file, and paint my nails pink. Yeah. Then I got to rush home to nap for two hours before I had to go over to D’s for the last time before I came back. Busy day!
· Toonie bowling with D, his brother and sister, and an old friend we both went to school with. We were struggling to come up with something to do and D’s sister H was on her phone looking for ideas. She came across a bowling alley that did Toonie Tuesday bowling (a Toonie, for those who don’t know, is the name of Canada’s $2 coin). So we went there, walked in, and found out you had to pay with Toonies. So for five of us we needed five Toonies instead of a ten dollar bill. Which we didn’t have. So we got to trek across the parking lot to Wal-Mart, where I picked up the cheapest thing I could find (a pack of gum for 87 cents) and proceeded to pay with a ten dollar bill and four quarters and asked for five toonies as my change. The cashier didn’t mind but I felt like a bit of a retard asking. I did explain the bowling situation though.
· Hanging out with V downtown and meeting up with a friend we went to high school with. Going for food (we shared 2 appetizers booya) and then trekking around Art Central looking at all the little stores. Wanting to buy everything at the vinyl toy store, and hanging out with one of the chicks who works there, who V had befriended before. Partaking in two kinds of wine there, including the most rancid red wine I’ve ever tasted (also the only red wine I’ve ever tasted) and the most amazing, sweet, and scrumptious white wine in the world! Then making our way to the First Annual block party, hosted by one of the big night clubs in my hometown. Downside is that they had to finish it off at 10pm due to the noise bylaws there, but it was still good times!
· Seeing my nephew!
My nephew is adorable, and he warmed up to me almost right away. At first he wasn’t too sure, when we went to pick him up from his mom, but by the time we got back to my mom’s house, he had fully accepted me, and plonked himself down in my lap to watch tv. My only regret is that I didn’t take enough pictures. I was planning to do a ton of photos the last day we had him, but his mom and my brother had a mediation dealy over custody and visitation on that day so I didn’t get to see him again before I left =[. So in total I had three 3-hour stints with him. Not enough!
It was really great reconnecting with D’s family, that was probably one of the best parts. I love V and she’s like family to me too, but I never lost touch or contact with her, we’re just the same as we always were, since I met her 8 years ago. But I grew up with D’s family, he’s been my best friend since we were like 6 years old, and his family is my family. Since I moved to the UK five years ago, I think I’ve only seen them once, so it was really really great seeing them again and reforming those bonds. Or at the very least, seeing those bonds again and realizing they never really wore away to begin with. His mom kept trying to talk me into moving back there, and I have to admit that part of me was tempted.
The whole time I was there was busy and fun and lively, and it was great. And it kind of made me feel that I’m wasting my life here in England. Over there, basically every day was full and I got to see some of the people I really love. Over here I have my aunts, my grandparents, and S… and that’s about it. But then I had to remind myself what it was like living with my immediate family, most notably my mother’s husband. And the fact that it’s almost impossible to get a job there. And having to contend with the winters! We’re talking up to NEGATIVE 50 degrees. But mostly, I had to remind myself that I was never really happy there. Going there now and being happy and enjoying myself is a direct result of finding myself, which only happened when I moved here. At times I still feel lost and confused and like I don’t know who I am, but I’ve come a far, far way from the person I was when I lived there full time, before I moved away. And that move is the best thing I’ve ever done in my life.
And of course, I could never up and leave and move away without my aunt. We’re a unit!
Holy Christ this is long. And I feel like I haven’t covered everything, but I’m not sure what else to say about the trip other than that it rocked. I’m going to make a more conscious effort to go back at least once a year for a three week visit. And maybe if I’m not going on any other trips (like Cancun this year), I’ll space it out and go twice? We’ll see!
As for food… the entire time I was there was basically a 16 day bingefest. When I came back, I was really jetlagged and barely ate and dropped at least a pound or two. My initial weigh in wasn’t accurate because although it was morning here, it was midnight back in Canada and I’d eaten a full day’s worth of food so my weight was all over. Still, only up 5lbs is a lot better than I was anticipating, even though it was only two weeks. This weekend was a baddish one… Friday we had fish and chips because we had my grandparents over so we could watch a football match together (my team won!). Saturday I had sushi out with S and then had a couple small things from a buffet at a wedding reception I had to go to, and a piece of (bad) wedding cake. And yesterday I had to go to my grandmother’s for a Sunday roast, and she piled on the veggies (though at least it was veggies and not fatty meats and pie or stuff).
Yet somehow, I’m still down around half a pound from Friday, so I can’t complain. I think maybe the two week binge kicked my metabolism in the teeth and got it raring up again, so now it’s still working hard to burn away what I am eating. Score! I better enjoy it while it lasts though because I doubt it’ll last long.
Anyway, this is really longwinded so I’m going to post it now and go get some work done. Let me know what you guys have all been up to while I’ve been away! I need to catch up on your blogs but it seems like so much so it might take a while to do. So drop me a comment to let me know how you’ve been and what you’ve been doing =]
Current weight, by the way: 209.8lbs. Still up from my start weight but there will be no more interruptions. I have three months to lose as much as I can for the beach. Countdown starts now!
Sorry it’s taken me forever to post anything. I’ve been suffering majorly with my jet-lag (missed two extra days of work, boo!) and have now come down with a lovely little cold. My aunt was pretty sick at the same time I was in bed trying to recuperate and adjust to the time change (7 hour time difference =/) so I think she gave it to me. Either that or this is just my pussy immune system protesting against the sudden influx of cool, damp, gloomy weather after two solid weeks of hot sunshine.
First things first. My trip was awesome. I didn’t want to come back just yet, which is definitely saying something after the huge amount of trepidation I felt when the days were drawing closer and closer. The weather was amazing, a solid 25-31 degrees (Celsius of course) Every. Single. Day. It was not cloudy a single day or rainy or cold. At night it got a little cool but after the oppressive heat and sunshine glaring down all day, it was actually a nice reprieve.
My mother’s husband was no his best behaviour, and there was little to no drama at all while I was there, which I was very grateful for. Had I stayed another week or two, I think cracks would have appeared in the thin veneer he was wearing over his real face and personality, though.
I had two missions while I was there. One was to find a pair of cowboy boots to bring back with me. The other was to get a pair of nice black leather, block-heeled boots with rubber soles/traction, that I could use as winter boots over here. I used to have the perfect pair, bought back in my hometown circa… well, 5-7 years ago. And ever since I had to throw them away (when I first moved here, I was here for six months, then went back to Canada for 3 to pack the rest of my stuff and bring it over. I had to leave the boots there during the first stretch and while my family left them sitting in the entryway for six months, their cats peed on them and they reeked. I tried to wash and febreeze them, but no =[), I’ve been on the hunt for a decent replacement. England basically only sells three kinds of boots. Ugg style or generic flat ones, or skinny heels that should not be worn in winter in a city that is abundant with hills and which gets rain every other day, which then freezes in the winter. Sigh.
So, mission one was accomplished. My mom I guess told her husband that he was going to buy me some boots, and he appeared to have opted for the cowboy boots. So, my mom and I hit the mall, going to Lammles (western wear) and I found a nice black pair for around $130. Told my mother’s husband, and he started whining and complaining that we didn’t go to the Alberta Boot company, so when the weekend came he drove down there. I tried on a pair (he actually pointed them out and I liked them) and decided to get them. $300. All I can say is I’m glad I wasn’t buying because I doubt I’d have paid $300 for a pair of cowboy boots. They are super hot though. When I told D’s mom about it, she was like “oh god, why?” and I responded “I think he’s trying to suck up because he knows I don’t like him.” Even my mom knows, which she acknowledged at the airport after I had checked in and it was just she and I hanging around. My mom was like, well he’s not your father and you don’t like him but at least you only have to see him every once and a while and you don’t have to talk to him on the phone or anything when you’re not here, and you can let him buy you stuff when you’re here.
Lulz.
The other boots, however, were a total no-go. I hit at LEAST 20 different shoe stores (I am not even exaggerating) and couldn’t find anything. Lots of flats, tons of Ugg-style boots, and a billion spike-heels sans any traction. Sadface. In the end, D’s mom was dragging me to every shoe store and shoe outlet she knew of to try to find them, but it just didn’t happen. I found one pair that was suitable, but it was a final sale and they didn’t have my size. Fail!
Aside from that the trip was pretty generic. I mostly spent time with my two BFF’s, V and D, although separately. Highlights were:
· Meeting V’s friend for the first time (after V telling me how annoying she is) and then pointing out a trait that really bothered me – a trait V wasn’t aware of until I pointed it out. Then a couple days later getting a string of obscenity-laden text-messages telling me she couldn’t deal with this stupid person anymore and she was going crazy and wanted to kill herself and oh yeah, I just made it worse by pointing out another flaw.
· Staying up until 6 in the morning playing video games with V, and getting under 4 hours of sleep before having to head off for the lamest manicure from hell. A mutual friend from school bought V and I each a gift certificate to get a manicure and pedicure from a nail studio at the mall. So, we made time for that but told the people there that we wanted the mani but not the pedi (I think it’s a bit weird for strangers to be fooling around with my feet =/ ) so we got that done. It cost $19 to basically cut, file, and paint my nails pink. Yeah. Then I got to rush home to nap for two hours before I had to go over to D’s for the last time before I came back. Busy day!
· Toonie bowling with D, his brother and sister, and an old friend we both went to school with. We were struggling to come up with something to do and D’s sister H was on her phone looking for ideas. She came across a bowling alley that did Toonie Tuesday bowling (a Toonie, for those who don’t know, is the name of Canada’s $2 coin). So we went there, walked in, and found out you had to pay with Toonies. So for five of us we needed five Toonies instead of a ten dollar bill. Which we didn’t have. So we got to trek across the parking lot to Wal-Mart, where I picked up the cheapest thing I could find (a pack of gum for 87 cents) and proceeded to pay with a ten dollar bill and four quarters and asked for five toonies as my change. The cashier didn’t mind but I felt like a bit of a retard asking. I did explain the bowling situation though.
· Hanging out with V downtown and meeting up with a friend we went to high school with. Going for food (we shared 2 appetizers booya) and then trekking around Art Central looking at all the little stores. Wanting to buy everything at the vinyl toy store, and hanging out with one of the chicks who works there, who V had befriended before. Partaking in two kinds of wine there, including the most rancid red wine I’ve ever tasted (also the only red wine I’ve ever tasted) and the most amazing, sweet, and scrumptious white wine in the world! Then making our way to the First Annual block party, hosted by one of the big night clubs in my hometown. Downside is that they had to finish it off at 10pm due to the noise bylaws there, but it was still good times!
· Seeing my nephew!
My nephew is adorable, and he warmed up to me almost right away. At first he wasn’t too sure, when we went to pick him up from his mom, but by the time we got back to my mom’s house, he had fully accepted me, and plonked himself down in my lap to watch tv. My only regret is that I didn’t take enough pictures. I was planning to do a ton of photos the last day we had him, but his mom and my brother had a mediation dealy over custody and visitation on that day so I didn’t get to see him again before I left =[. So in total I had three 3-hour stints with him. Not enough!
It was really great reconnecting with D’s family, that was probably one of the best parts. I love V and she’s like family to me too, but I never lost touch or contact with her, we’re just the same as we always were, since I met her 8 years ago. But I grew up with D’s family, he’s been my best friend since we were like 6 years old, and his family is my family. Since I moved to the UK five years ago, I think I’ve only seen them once, so it was really really great seeing them again and reforming those bonds. Or at the very least, seeing those bonds again and realizing they never really wore away to begin with. His mom kept trying to talk me into moving back there, and I have to admit that part of me was tempted.
The whole time I was there was busy and fun and lively, and it was great. And it kind of made me feel that I’m wasting my life here in England. Over there, basically every day was full and I got to see some of the people I really love. Over here I have my aunts, my grandparents, and S… and that’s about it. But then I had to remind myself what it was like living with my immediate family, most notably my mother’s husband. And the fact that it’s almost impossible to get a job there. And having to contend with the winters! We’re talking up to NEGATIVE 50 degrees. But mostly, I had to remind myself that I was never really happy there. Going there now and being happy and enjoying myself is a direct result of finding myself, which only happened when I moved here. At times I still feel lost and confused and like I don’t know who I am, but I’ve come a far, far way from the person I was when I lived there full time, before I moved away. And that move is the best thing I’ve ever done in my life.
And of course, I could never up and leave and move away without my aunt. We’re a unit!
Holy Christ this is long. And I feel like I haven’t covered everything, but I’m not sure what else to say about the trip other than that it rocked. I’m going to make a more conscious effort to go back at least once a year for a three week visit. And maybe if I’m not going on any other trips (like Cancun this year), I’ll space it out and go twice? We’ll see!
As for food… the entire time I was there was basically a 16 day bingefest. When I came back, I was really jetlagged and barely ate and dropped at least a pound or two. My initial weigh in wasn’t accurate because although it was morning here, it was midnight back in Canada and I’d eaten a full day’s worth of food so my weight was all over. Still, only up 5lbs is a lot better than I was anticipating, even though it was only two weeks. This weekend was a baddish one… Friday we had fish and chips because we had my grandparents over so we could watch a football match together (my team won!). Saturday I had sushi out with S and then had a couple small things from a buffet at a wedding reception I had to go to, and a piece of (bad) wedding cake. And yesterday I had to go to my grandmother’s for a Sunday roast, and she piled on the veggies (though at least it was veggies and not fatty meats and pie or stuff).
Yet somehow, I’m still down around half a pound from Friday, so I can’t complain. I think maybe the two week binge kicked my metabolism in the teeth and got it raring up again, so now it’s still working hard to burn away what I am eating. Score! I better enjoy it while it lasts though because I doubt it’ll last long.
Anyway, this is really longwinded so I’m going to post it now and go get some work done. Let me know what you guys have all been up to while I’ve been away! I need to catch up on your blogs but it seems like so much so it might take a while to do. So drop me a comment to let me know how you’ve been and what you’ve been doing =]
Current weight, by the way: 209.8lbs. Still up from my start weight but there will be no more interruptions. I have three months to lose as much as I can for the beach. Countdown starts now!
Wednesday, 16 September 2009
Back!
I'll write about Calgary when I get some more time, I'm still really jet-lagged right now...
As for weight... not as bad as I was expecting. As of today, I'm only up 5.8 since the day before I left, which is remarkable since every day was basically a binge day while I was away (my mom and my friends' families insisting on feeding me and taking me out for dinner and lunches constantly).
It was higher yesterday but I'm down 2 as of today, although I think part of it is food weight. Since I've been really jetlagged I've spent the past two days mostly in bed, and have only had a couple pieces of toast and a 220 cal frozen dinner each day. The best part is that since I've been in bed all day and dozing for most of it, I haven't even been hungry, which rocks out loud.
Back to work tomorrow, although I think I'm going to be a zombie. I slept from 1 until 8 this afternoon which means I'll probably be up all night again like I was last night. Sigh. Two working days until the weekend.
Sigh. I kind of miss it. I wasn't expecting to... I didn't last time I went there. =/
As for weight... not as bad as I was expecting. As of today, I'm only up 5.8 since the day before I left, which is remarkable since every day was basically a binge day while I was away (my mom and my friends' families insisting on feeding me and taking me out for dinner and lunches constantly).
It was higher yesterday but I'm down 2 as of today, although I think part of it is food weight. Since I've been really jetlagged I've spent the past two days mostly in bed, and have only had a couple pieces of toast and a 220 cal frozen dinner each day. The best part is that since I've been in bed all day and dozing for most of it, I haven't even been hungry, which rocks out loud.
Back to work tomorrow, although I think I'm going to be a zombie. I slept from 1 until 8 this afternoon which means I'll probably be up all night again like I was last night. Sigh. Two working days until the weekend.
Sigh. I kind of miss it. I wasn't expecting to... I didn't last time I went there. =/
Thursday, 30 July 2009
Slight change of plan
So, I got home from work and went to get a 10-calorie soup for dinner, only to realize I don't have any left. I have one or two in my desk at work but none at home >.< Soo I had the next best thing out of what I had at home.. 220 calorie frozen shepherd's pie. Which tastes amazing, I might add, and for 220 calories I could probably live on nothing but one of them a day and be happy...
But anyway. That pushed the daily total up to 310. It's no 100 but it's still damn good I think. Tomorrow at work I'm just having grapes again.. I think if I leave them any longer they'll go yucky, and I won't be having them Saturday since ALL I'm having Saturday is the Indian food and whatever alcohol at night. I want to fast on Sunday but since we're all at home it's going to be hard to do it without my aunts noticing. HOPEfully I'll be able to get to the store tomorrow to stock up on some more 10-calorie soups. If not, I've got some oxo chicken stock cubes that are like 12 calories each so I can make a cup of "soup" and pass that off at something. Although my aunt's been known to tell me soup is not enough (even though she herself often just has a 100-calorie cup of soup for dinner anyway? The hypocrisy kills me sometimes)
Still, I'm down 4lbs from the beginning of the week, so I can't REALLY complain =] I'm anticipating another half-pound drop tomorrow and if I can drop another half by Saturday morning that means I'll be down the 5lbs I'd been aiming for. Which is definitely good. Saturday night will probably do some damage but I'm staying positive in my ability to stay strong and not overindulge in the calories. And keep reminding myself that any damage inflicted will easily be erased again next week. =] Luckily, S and L both know I'm trying to save my cash for my trips right now so I'll be able to get out of any other outings other than just wandering around the mall or window shopping in town for the rest of the month. Then I'm off to Canada for two weeks.
It's the trip to Canada that I'm a little concerned about. My mom is already planning to make all of my favourite foods, plus there is poutine there and some amazing ice cream place my best friend V wants to take me to. Everything in moderation, Vee.
Luckily, one of my friends, we'll call her N since that's what her name starts with (I think I'm going to have to put up a legend on my sidebar or something to keep these all straight), that I've recently reconnected with after being out of touch for ten years... I'll be doing a lot of shopping with her, and she's VERY weight conscious. So, it won't look odd when we go shopping and decide to go to lunch and I decide I just want a small salad. And I might be able to hit the gym with her, if you just pay to get in instead of having to have a monthly membership.
See, when we were kids, she was pretty huge. I knew her basically all through elementary school. She was taller than the rest of the kids, but she was also pretty overweight. People used to make fun of her and there were rumours going around the school when we were only 10 years old that she was a member of Jenny Craig. Really shitty, cruel stuff. But we were friends.
Then apparently she busted her ass getting in shape because when I stumbled across her facebook page last year, I honest to God didn't recognize her. I was staring at the thumbnail picture and the "you have 17 friends in common" and thinking "was that N's last name? Oh my god, that is so not the same person!" Instead of the trainwreck she was when we were kids, she looks like a Bollywood star now. She wears designer clothes and looks amaaazing. Plus she's so pretty!
That's what I want. People to look at me in a few months' time and go "...wow is that the same person? YOU LOOK AMAZING" you know? It won't be this time obviously but I'm supposed to go to Canada again next September and that is what I'm aiming for. Shock and surprise and awe.
Anyway. N isn't disordered, unless you consider the fact that she's addicted to food. She had to bust her ass at a gym doing cardio every day for the fat to slowly melt off. She said she's really struggled with her weight, at one point she gained it all back and had to start over, and she fluctuates by about 20lbs at any given time. But she looks amazing. And I am ridiculously jealous.
But anyway, I'm completely off topic, haha. I wish I had her dedication to the gym. Hopefully when I get back from Canada I'll have enough spare money to re-join the gym by work so I can stop by every day for an hour or two before heading home. Just need to get my finances sorted out so I can do it (my gym costs £50 a month haha)
Anyway, today turned out to be a pretty good day even though my plans were changed slightly. Tomorrow is Friday so it's automatically a great day. And while I'm not looking forward to the calories involved on Saturday, I'm very much looking forward to seeing S and L. We get together every week or two, and we didn't see eachother last weekend so it feels like FOREVERRR.
Anyway. Hope you guys are all having a good day. Stay strong!
Vee xox
But anyway. That pushed the daily total up to 310. It's no 100 but it's still damn good I think. Tomorrow at work I'm just having grapes again.. I think if I leave them any longer they'll go yucky, and I won't be having them Saturday since ALL I'm having Saturday is the Indian food and whatever alcohol at night. I want to fast on Sunday but since we're all at home it's going to be hard to do it without my aunts noticing. HOPEfully I'll be able to get to the store tomorrow to stock up on some more 10-calorie soups. If not, I've got some oxo chicken stock cubes that are like 12 calories each so I can make a cup of "soup" and pass that off at something. Although my aunt's been known to tell me soup is not enough (even though she herself often just has a 100-calorie cup of soup for dinner anyway? The hypocrisy kills me sometimes)
Still, I'm down 4lbs from the beginning of the week, so I can't REALLY complain =] I'm anticipating another half-pound drop tomorrow and if I can drop another half by Saturday morning that means I'll be down the 5lbs I'd been aiming for. Which is definitely good. Saturday night will probably do some damage but I'm staying positive in my ability to stay strong and not overindulge in the calories. And keep reminding myself that any damage inflicted will easily be erased again next week. =] Luckily, S and L both know I'm trying to save my cash for my trips right now so I'll be able to get out of any other outings other than just wandering around the mall or window shopping in town for the rest of the month. Then I'm off to Canada for two weeks.
It's the trip to Canada that I'm a little concerned about. My mom is already planning to make all of my favourite foods, plus there is poutine there and some amazing ice cream place my best friend V wants to take me to. Everything in moderation, Vee.
Luckily, one of my friends, we'll call her N since that's what her name starts with (I think I'm going to have to put up a legend on my sidebar or something to keep these all straight), that I've recently reconnected with after being out of touch for ten years... I'll be doing a lot of shopping with her, and she's VERY weight conscious. So, it won't look odd when we go shopping and decide to go to lunch and I decide I just want a small salad. And I might be able to hit the gym with her, if you just pay to get in instead of having to have a monthly membership.
See, when we were kids, she was pretty huge. I knew her basically all through elementary school. She was taller than the rest of the kids, but she was also pretty overweight. People used to make fun of her and there were rumours going around the school when we were only 10 years old that she was a member of Jenny Craig. Really shitty, cruel stuff. But we were friends.
Then apparently she busted her ass getting in shape because when I stumbled across her facebook page last year, I honest to God didn't recognize her. I was staring at the thumbnail picture and the "you have 17 friends in common" and thinking "was that N's last name? Oh my god, that is so not the same person!" Instead of the trainwreck she was when we were kids, she looks like a Bollywood star now. She wears designer clothes and looks amaaazing. Plus she's so pretty!
That's what I want. People to look at me in a few months' time and go "...wow is that the same person? YOU LOOK AMAZING" you know? It won't be this time obviously but I'm supposed to go to Canada again next September and that is what I'm aiming for. Shock and surprise and awe.
Anyway. N isn't disordered, unless you consider the fact that she's addicted to food. She had to bust her ass at a gym doing cardio every day for the fat to slowly melt off. She said she's really struggled with her weight, at one point she gained it all back and had to start over, and she fluctuates by about 20lbs at any given time. But she looks amazing. And I am ridiculously jealous.
But anyway, I'm completely off topic, haha. I wish I had her dedication to the gym. Hopefully when I get back from Canada I'll have enough spare money to re-join the gym by work so I can stop by every day for an hour or two before heading home. Just need to get my finances sorted out so I can do it (my gym costs £50 a month haha)
Anyway, today turned out to be a pretty good day even though my plans were changed slightly. Tomorrow is Friday so it's automatically a great day. And while I'm not looking forward to the calories involved on Saturday, I'm very much looking forward to seeing S and L. We get together every week or two, and we didn't see eachother last weekend so it feels like FOREVERRR.
Anyway. Hope you guys are all having a good day. Stay strong!
Vee xox
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