Weight remains the same. Sigh. Another outing tomorrow night but I don't want to go. As I mentioned before, the place we're going has horrible food anyway so that's a plus - I won't WANT or be TEMPTED to eat anything. Another diet coke, if you please!
I'm super tired so I'm going to go to bed... I'm stressed about going back to work tomorrow and it's making me fidgetey and weird, so I doubt I'll get much, but damnit I need to try. I'm sick of feeling so terrible. I hope my old manager is in tomorrow so I can tell him I'm looking for other work when I go grab the girls for "lunch" (my lunch being half a SlimFast shake). My new manager... I'm going to wait until I've gotten an interview or something. I'm such a retard that I feel bad for looking for other work, as if he's going to take it personally and get upset because I don't want to work for him.
Talk to you tomorrow
Vee xox
Showing posts with label stress. Show all posts
Showing posts with label stress. Show all posts
Monday, 28 December 2009
Friday, 18 December 2009
Viva La Mexico
Bleh. I'm so bad at updating this thing. In my defense, I haven't had internet access that's been stable for Christ knows how long. I finally got a new wireless receiver, so I *should* be able to get back to blogging a lot.
But anyway. Here's my vast update.
Canada: I gained weight. I knew that I would and had kind of resigned myself to that fact, since the outings were things I could not worm my way out of (though I did manage to skip a couple meals while out with friends by claiming I'd eaten before going out). I know I've already written about this before, but the reason I bring it up again is because I still haven't managed to lose the weight I gained while I was there. And that is fucking horrible.
Right now I'm in Mexico, on vacation with family (my aunts, my granny, my granny's friend and Friend's Annoying Daughter). Mexico is amazing except that I want to cry all the time because I have to wear a bathing suit and am fatter than basically EVERYONE else here. We go home on Monday Mexico time and get back to England on Tuesday afternoon English time. On the one hand I'm looking forward to getting home and being able to refocus on my goals and settle back into a routine - these buffet dinners here are just exacerbating the stress that's been feeding on me for a long while. People are always eyeing what I'm eating, how much I'm eating, and it's driving me insane. The upside has been free frozen cocktails. The downside has been the calories included in said cocktails. I can't win right now.
When I go home I'm stepping up the game. I'm toying with the idea of just redoing ABC after Christmas is over (there are many family dinners and shit going on that I simply won't be able to get out of / won't be able to stick to ABC for a week or so, and I'd rather restrict on my own as much as I can and then do ABC right when I know that I can). So I think that's what I'm going to do.
That aside, I've been so depressed lately that I don't know what to do with myself. I haven't been this down in years and I don't know what to fucking do about it. I'm one huge ball of stress right now. About a month to six weeks ago, work decided that they needed me to move to another department. They didn't ask me or give me details, they just said hey, on Monday morning go up to the third floor and they'll tell you what they need you to do.
Turns out I'm now working on a fucking pensions helpdesk.
I don't know how to explain my aversion to telephone work. I hate it. I hate it so much that I am on the verge of a constant panic attack every minute I'm at work. Every minute that I'm at home and think about work. Every second I spend in bed trying to sleep but dreading having to get up and do it all over again the next morning. I cried several times at work and I feel like I might actually need to leave. My old manager has been speaking to his manager and heads-of-the-departments to try to get me moved back to his team, but it's been unsuccessful. But I just can't do this. My new manager took me aside and said, if I'm feeling bad and need to take ten minutes to go cry, just tell him I'm stepping away for a few and that's fine.
I'm sorry but what kind of bullshit is that? Why the fuck should I be in a position where I hate my job so much that it's making me depressed to the point that the prospect of throwing myself in front of a bus is looking preferable to having to go back to that shit hole, that I have to take a few minutes out of my working day to go cry? Every. Day.
It sounds whiney and inconsequential and I just really can't put into words how I feel about this. I hate it so much. I actually loved my job, and not two weeks after I finally recognized the fact that "oh shit, I love my job, when did that happen?" they moved me. And I've been so down, so low, hating every minute of it. It's not any one aspect of the job, it's the whole thing together. I'm not a phone kind of person to begin with either - I have to psych myself up for half an hour to call my bank to question a charge, and then get flustered and confuse myself and the operator while I'm on.
So, I think after Christmas I'm also going to be looking into a new job. I can't deal with this, and I refuse to stay somewhere that is making me so unhappy, that is so detrimental to my health and wellbeing. I had a week off with the stomach flu when I first moved to the new team, but in retrospect it wasn't the flu at all, it was me getting so stressed out that I made myself physically and violently ill for a week. Even now I feel nauseous and lightheaded when I think that next Wednesday morning I'll have to go back and do it all over again.
God, I hate this so much. More stress that I don't need.
I missed you girls and guys so damn much, you have no idea. Thank Christ for overpriced hotel WiFi. And a new wireless router at home.
Typing this makes me feel incrementally a little better every time I post an entry. Coming back here to you, is like coming home.
Thank you for being the one group of people I can talk to, can vent to and trust to understand and know and not judge. I love you all.
Now tell me what I've missed! I have so much catching up to do on your blogs!
Vee xoxoxox
But anyway. Here's my vast update.
Canada: I gained weight. I knew that I would and had kind of resigned myself to that fact, since the outings were things I could not worm my way out of (though I did manage to skip a couple meals while out with friends by claiming I'd eaten before going out). I know I've already written about this before, but the reason I bring it up again is because I still haven't managed to lose the weight I gained while I was there. And that is fucking horrible.
Right now I'm in Mexico, on vacation with family (my aunts, my granny, my granny's friend and Friend's Annoying Daughter). Mexico is amazing except that I want to cry all the time because I have to wear a bathing suit and am fatter than basically EVERYONE else here. We go home on Monday Mexico time and get back to England on Tuesday afternoon English time. On the one hand I'm looking forward to getting home and being able to refocus on my goals and settle back into a routine - these buffet dinners here are just exacerbating the stress that's been feeding on me for a long while. People are always eyeing what I'm eating, how much I'm eating, and it's driving me insane. The upside has been free frozen cocktails. The downside has been the calories included in said cocktails. I can't win right now.
When I go home I'm stepping up the game. I'm toying with the idea of just redoing ABC after Christmas is over (there are many family dinners and shit going on that I simply won't be able to get out of / won't be able to stick to ABC for a week or so, and I'd rather restrict on my own as much as I can and then do ABC right when I know that I can). So I think that's what I'm going to do.
That aside, I've been so depressed lately that I don't know what to do with myself. I haven't been this down in years and I don't know what to fucking do about it. I'm one huge ball of stress right now. About a month to six weeks ago, work decided that they needed me to move to another department. They didn't ask me or give me details, they just said hey, on Monday morning go up to the third floor and they'll tell you what they need you to do.
Turns out I'm now working on a fucking pensions helpdesk.
I don't know how to explain my aversion to telephone work. I hate it. I hate it so much that I am on the verge of a constant panic attack every minute I'm at work. Every minute that I'm at home and think about work. Every second I spend in bed trying to sleep but dreading having to get up and do it all over again the next morning. I cried several times at work and I feel like I might actually need to leave. My old manager has been speaking to his manager and heads-of-the-departments to try to get me moved back to his team, but it's been unsuccessful. But I just can't do this. My new manager took me aside and said, if I'm feeling bad and need to take ten minutes to go cry, just tell him I'm stepping away for a few and that's fine.
I'm sorry but what kind of bullshit is that? Why the fuck should I be in a position where I hate my job so much that it's making me depressed to the point that the prospect of throwing myself in front of a bus is looking preferable to having to go back to that shit hole, that I have to take a few minutes out of my working day to go cry? Every. Day.
It sounds whiney and inconsequential and I just really can't put into words how I feel about this. I hate it so much. I actually loved my job, and not two weeks after I finally recognized the fact that "oh shit, I love my job, when did that happen?" they moved me. And I've been so down, so low, hating every minute of it. It's not any one aspect of the job, it's the whole thing together. I'm not a phone kind of person to begin with either - I have to psych myself up for half an hour to call my bank to question a charge, and then get flustered and confuse myself and the operator while I'm on.
So, I think after Christmas I'm also going to be looking into a new job. I can't deal with this, and I refuse to stay somewhere that is making me so unhappy, that is so detrimental to my health and wellbeing. I had a week off with the stomach flu when I first moved to the new team, but in retrospect it wasn't the flu at all, it was me getting so stressed out that I made myself physically and violently ill for a week. Even now I feel nauseous and lightheaded when I think that next Wednesday morning I'll have to go back and do it all over again.
God, I hate this so much. More stress that I don't need.
I missed you girls and guys so damn much, you have no idea. Thank Christ for overpriced hotel WiFi. And a new wireless router at home.
Typing this makes me feel incrementally a little better every time I post an entry. Coming back here to you, is like coming home.
Thank you for being the one group of people I can talk to, can vent to and trust to understand and know and not judge. I love you all.
Now tell me what I've missed! I have so much catching up to do on your blogs!
Vee xoxoxox
Wednesday, 12 August 2009
Time, Rolling Along With The Waves
So, once again I need to apologise for not being around much. Work has been ridiculously busy, and isn't aided by the fact that a girl in my team (we'll call her LW) has started talking to me, but when she does she DOES NOT EVER STOP.
I was a little ahead of my work, I went to print my last letter of the day at 3:15, leaving me a good 45 minutes to blog and catch up before I could go home. Except, she picked up a letter from the printer at the same time and started talking. I kept trying to interject to say "Well, I'd better get back to work" but it just didn't happen. Until 3:55 when I finally said "Dude, I'm leaving in 5 minutes, I've gotta go."
Then yesterday, I'd literally just brought up my web browser and she came over to my desk to chat for another 45 minutes. It might have been longer actually, I don't remember. It's a wonder we didn't get shouted at (I mean, my stats are great, so I guess I wouldn't really get in trouble anyway). When I move to the new desk, there's a strong chance it will be worse, as she'll be sitting directly behind me but up one desk - so diagonally kind of. Right now, she's at the opposite end of the office. Lord help me.
She's really nice and I like her (and my GOD is she skinny, she is total fucking thinspo every damn day) but my goodness the girl can talkkkk haha.
Anyway, onto updates.
In the past week (or, god, has it been nearly 2??) I've manged to gain another pound, and am down half a pound today. So I'm still a little up, but it could be worse. I'm getting down because I've lost like NO weight so I'll still be a huge fucking cow when I go to Canada, and suddenly I'm notsomuch looking forward to shopping (except I WILL be doing clothes-hair-skincare-etc shopping with N). Sigh. This past week has been random. I upped my calorie intake a little to keep my metabolism running, but stayed under 1000 every day. Yet still gained a pound (which is now down to a half, thank god). But, I tend to plateau when I'm stressed, and the past week I've been stressed to hell. Work, home, being absolutely fucking exhausted...
I now have to walk home from my bus stop after work (so after a total of two to two-and-a-half hours bus journey to and from, plus 7-9 hours at work), which is good and bad. Good because it is exercise but bad because it's always right after I've spent a good hour trying not to fall asleep on my bus. I swear to god I actually dozed off yesterday and was jolted awake when the driver slammed on his brakes to avoid hitting some little retard. And the walk is 20-25 minutes, uphill the entire way. My calves ache like hell this morning from the walk, which is mostly a good thing, except that the right on is also cramping and that is bad. I'm already so tired right now, the weather is shit, my back and all of the muscles in my neck are aching from stress and exhaustion, I can seriously barely keep my eyes open right now and it's 10:45 in the morning... And I know I have that walk ahead of me.
And girls, right now it feels so daunting. All I want to do is curl up and sleep but I can't. I can't relax. There's always something.
At least it's forcing my lazy ass to get some exercise though, right?
Food plan right now is, from today, pushing lower again. Lunch is a 10 calorie soup, and to be honest I don't even particularly want it right now. I feel like most of me is still asleep, including my digestive system, and it doesn't want to be woken up. But I should probably get something to drink at some point anyway and it might as well be chicken flavoured. Tonight I'll have my 220 calorie Shepherd's Pie and that should be it for the day.
Although realistically, I could just go home and straight to bed and try to relax and get some fucking sleep. We'll see.
Sidenote: at the cinema on Monday night (we went to see Orphan - SO GOOD, although nearish to the beginning I had an inkling of what the surprise would be, and was glad that I was half-right but that they did it REALISTICALLY instead of throwing bullshit all over the place like most movies do), my aunt was stressing about how she thinks she's overeating. To put this in perspective, what she had all day:
Breakfast: 1/2 a weetabix with a little milk
Lunch: 100 calorie tomato cup-a-soup
Dinner: A bowl of some manner of soup that J made for them.
Snack: a handful of Ritz crackers
I was like "Dude.....you are not overeating. If that's all I ate in a day you would shout at me."
I think because she's had a different surgery from J and H, and it's more possible for her to overeat, she's therefore convinced that she IS overeating. And I'm like... chill.
I dunno, anyway, I need to get back to work. And try not to pass out. I AM SO TIRED, and I'm so sore all over. My sore neck is making my head hurt >.<
I was a little ahead of my work, I went to print my last letter of the day at 3:15, leaving me a good 45 minutes to blog and catch up before I could go home. Except, she picked up a letter from the printer at the same time and started talking. I kept trying to interject to say "Well, I'd better get back to work" but it just didn't happen. Until 3:55 when I finally said "Dude, I'm leaving in 5 minutes, I've gotta go."
Then yesterday, I'd literally just brought up my web browser and she came over to my desk to chat for another 45 minutes. It might have been longer actually, I don't remember. It's a wonder we didn't get shouted at (I mean, my stats are great, so I guess I wouldn't really get in trouble anyway). When I move to the new desk, there's a strong chance it will be worse, as she'll be sitting directly behind me but up one desk - so diagonally kind of. Right now, she's at the opposite end of the office. Lord help me.
She's really nice and I like her (and my GOD is she skinny, she is total fucking thinspo every damn day) but my goodness the girl can talkkkk haha.
Anyway, onto updates.
In the past week (or, god, has it been nearly 2??) I've manged to gain another pound, and am down half a pound today. So I'm still a little up, but it could be worse. I'm getting down because I've lost like NO weight so I'll still be a huge fucking cow when I go to Canada, and suddenly I'm notsomuch looking forward to shopping (except I WILL be doing clothes-hair-skincare-etc shopping with N). Sigh. This past week has been random. I upped my calorie intake a little to keep my metabolism running, but stayed under 1000 every day. Yet still gained a pound (which is now down to a half, thank god). But, I tend to plateau when I'm stressed, and the past week I've been stressed to hell. Work, home, being absolutely fucking exhausted...
I now have to walk home from my bus stop after work (so after a total of two to two-and-a-half hours bus journey to and from, plus 7-9 hours at work), which is good and bad. Good because it is exercise but bad because it's always right after I've spent a good hour trying not to fall asleep on my bus. I swear to god I actually dozed off yesterday and was jolted awake when the driver slammed on his brakes to avoid hitting some little retard. And the walk is 20-25 minutes, uphill the entire way. My calves ache like hell this morning from the walk, which is mostly a good thing, except that the right on is also cramping and that is bad. I'm already so tired right now, the weather is shit, my back and all of the muscles in my neck are aching from stress and exhaustion, I can seriously barely keep my eyes open right now and it's 10:45 in the morning... And I know I have that walk ahead of me.
And girls, right now it feels so daunting. All I want to do is curl up and sleep but I can't. I can't relax. There's always something.
At least it's forcing my lazy ass to get some exercise though, right?
Food plan right now is, from today, pushing lower again. Lunch is a 10 calorie soup, and to be honest I don't even particularly want it right now. I feel like most of me is still asleep, including my digestive system, and it doesn't want to be woken up. But I should probably get something to drink at some point anyway and it might as well be chicken flavoured. Tonight I'll have my 220 calorie Shepherd's Pie and that should be it for the day.
Although realistically, I could just go home and straight to bed and try to relax and get some fucking sleep. We'll see.
Sidenote: at the cinema on Monday night (we went to see Orphan - SO GOOD, although nearish to the beginning I had an inkling of what the surprise would be, and was glad that I was half-right but that they did it REALISTICALLY instead of throwing bullshit all over the place like most movies do), my aunt was stressing about how she thinks she's overeating. To put this in perspective, what she had all day:
Breakfast: 1/2 a weetabix with a little milk
Lunch: 100 calorie tomato cup-a-soup
Dinner: A bowl of some manner of soup that J made for them.
Snack: a handful of Ritz crackers
I was like "Dude.....you are not overeating. If that's all I ate in a day you would shout at me."
I think because she's had a different surgery from J and H, and it's more possible for her to overeat, she's therefore convinced that she IS overeating. And I'm like... chill.
I dunno, anyway, I need to get back to work. And try not to pass out. I AM SO TIRED, and I'm so sore all over. My sore neck is making my head hurt >.<
Wednesday, 5 August 2009
Bad times
I'm on fucking phones at work today and it's irritating me already. I hadn't even logged onto the system when someone handed me my first call from someone else's phone, and I had to deal with that. Started getting on with my first piece of actual work and the phone rang again - someone from our Indian contact centre with a client on the line who was super pissed off... so I had to ask two other people to find an answer to the question, finally figured it out and came back - and the person had hung up on me. AWESOME. So I just wasted 20 minutes, instead of actually getting some of my own work done.
Also was stressed this morning because my aunt is still in the hospital and yesterday she was running a fever and she said her stomach felt like it was swelling a little bit. I wasn't too highly concerned, the doctors were going to look into the fever and deal with it. But this morning J was telling me about how, when her dad went into the hospital to have a botched hip replacement redone, he was running a fever and his stomach was swelling. And then it turned out the swollen stomach was due to a ruptured intestine and he was vomiting fecal matter. And a few days later HE FUCKING DIED.
So then all morning I've been stressed to all hell, but I've just texted J to ask how my aunt is doing and she said "better this morning, hopefully coming home tomorrow. going to try her on a light meal today" (she hasn't eaten yet, just liquids since the surgery). So, all seems well now.
My stress plus having to eat at the hospital meant that my intake was way over what it should have been the past two days and as a result of that and probably late gain from the weekend, I'm up 2lbs. Which I expected after Saturday anyway so I'm not TOO depressed over it. Getting back into business today though so I will be back down soon. On the upside, my stress today is making me feel sick which is making the idea of food make me even more nauseous so huzzah!
Um. Thanks for your comments about my story. I'm going to take it down but if anyone wants to read it, leave me a comment with a way to contact you and I'll email you my writing.com account address.
God, I'm so all over the place today I can't even remember what the shit I was going to write about. I've got to try to get something done before the phone goes again so I'll write more later, I just wanted to let you know I'm alive and I'm doing mostly okay but I am stressed the shit out.
Love you all,
Vee xox
Also was stressed this morning because my aunt is still in the hospital and yesterday she was running a fever and she said her stomach felt like it was swelling a little bit. I wasn't too highly concerned, the doctors were going to look into the fever and deal with it. But this morning J was telling me about how, when her dad went into the hospital to have a botched hip replacement redone, he was running a fever and his stomach was swelling. And then it turned out the swollen stomach was due to a ruptured intestine and he was vomiting fecal matter. And a few days later HE FUCKING DIED.
So then all morning I've been stressed to all hell, but I've just texted J to ask how my aunt is doing and she said "better this morning, hopefully coming home tomorrow. going to try her on a light meal today" (she hasn't eaten yet, just liquids since the surgery). So, all seems well now.
My stress plus having to eat at the hospital meant that my intake was way over what it should have been the past two days and as a result of that and probably late gain from the weekend, I'm up 2lbs. Which I expected after Saturday anyway so I'm not TOO depressed over it. Getting back into business today though so I will be back down soon. On the upside, my stress today is making me feel sick which is making the idea of food make me even more nauseous so huzzah!
Um. Thanks for your comments about my story. I'm going to take it down but if anyone wants to read it, leave me a comment with a way to contact you and I'll email you my writing.com account address.
God, I'm so all over the place today I can't even remember what the shit I was going to write about. I've got to try to get something done before the phone goes again so I'll write more later, I just wanted to let you know I'm alive and I'm doing mostly okay but I am stressed the shit out.
Love you all,
Vee xox
Monday, 20 July 2009
And now back to your regularly scheduled programming
So. Bad things have been going on.
Work is mostly okay, it’s just been busy.
My grandfather read the title sticker on one of my Amazon purchases and apparently went on a tirade to my aunt demanding to know why I’m buying books about eating disorders (I’ve had to try to lay low for a while until this blows over. Honestly though, I’m a fucking whale, how could anybody look at me and honestly think I have an ED?)
J has been moody as all hell and I have no idea what her problem is.
My aunt’s mood has been up and down but she has her surgery date now (August 3rd) so hopefully she’ll be able to chill a little.
My own mood is trying to inch closer and closer to rock bottom.
My grandmother’s sister (my favourite great-aunt) has cancer. It is the opposite of Leukaemia, but I can’t remember the name. Something to do with her body not producing white blood cells, I think. Chances are good that she will be dead this time next year. I’ll write a separate post about this later.
Shit keeps going down back in Canada. My mom called this weekend in tears because shit had hit the fan again. Long story short, my brother threw a tantrum over something dumb, his father got into a fight with him (a physical fight, not a screaming-match fight), my brother isn’t living at home, and now his ex-girlfriend has told my mom she’s not allowed to see my nephew. So my mom is taking this to mean she is a bad mother and is upset because she is VERY sensitive on this point. And it makes my heart ache that I can’t say “You’re not a bad mother” and really, truly mean it.
I bought a juicer so I could do my first juice-fast, all natural, and the fucking thing does not work. Now I have a SHITTON of fruit in my kitchen threatening to go bad, so I think I’m on a three-day fruit diet. By shitton of fruit I mean eight apples, six pears, a punnet of strawberries, two punnetts of cherries, a bag of grapes, seven bananas and a quarter of a watermelon.
Mostly it’s been little stresses, but some of the bombs are huge (read: cancer). But it’s been burying me, and I’ve had to take some time to myself. To be honest, I haven’t had the motivation to come and write here. Even though I need the outlet, all I’ve been wanting to do is curl up in my bed and cry myself to sleep every night.
Except I can’t even cry.
And I don’t know what’s wrong with me but I CAN NOT make myself restrict. I keep going into a binge mode. It’s not that I’m eating a huge amount, I’m eating “normally” or sub-normal even. But my head goes into that state of mind where you physically can’t stop. It’s like you’re outside watching your body on auto pilot and there’s nothing you can do about it. Stress and depression are making me crazy right now, and my inability to get control over my eating and drop some fucking weight is making it so much worse. I haven’t been eating enough to gain, but I’ve been unable to lose for weeks and I’m still a fucking monster. But I’m not giving up the fight and until I manage to get my eating completely under control.
All this is to say, I’m sorry I’ve been gone again. But I’m back. And I’m really going to need your support and motivation to get my head working right again. Right now I don’t even know who I am.
Work is mostly okay, it’s just been busy.
My grandfather read the title sticker on one of my Amazon purchases and apparently went on a tirade to my aunt demanding to know why I’m buying books about eating disorders (I’ve had to try to lay low for a while until this blows over. Honestly though, I’m a fucking whale, how could anybody look at me and honestly think I have an ED?)
J has been moody as all hell and I have no idea what her problem is.
My aunt’s mood has been up and down but she has her surgery date now (August 3rd) so hopefully she’ll be able to chill a little.
My own mood is trying to inch closer and closer to rock bottom.
My grandmother’s sister (my favourite great-aunt) has cancer. It is the opposite of Leukaemia, but I can’t remember the name. Something to do with her body not producing white blood cells, I think. Chances are good that she will be dead this time next year. I’ll write a separate post about this later.
Shit keeps going down back in Canada. My mom called this weekend in tears because shit had hit the fan again. Long story short, my brother threw a tantrum over something dumb, his father got into a fight with him (a physical fight, not a screaming-match fight), my brother isn’t living at home, and now his ex-girlfriend has told my mom she’s not allowed to see my nephew. So my mom is taking this to mean she is a bad mother and is upset because she is VERY sensitive on this point. And it makes my heart ache that I can’t say “You’re not a bad mother” and really, truly mean it.
I bought a juicer so I could do my first juice-fast, all natural, and the fucking thing does not work. Now I have a SHITTON of fruit in my kitchen threatening to go bad, so I think I’m on a three-day fruit diet. By shitton of fruit I mean eight apples, six pears, a punnet of strawberries, two punnetts of cherries, a bag of grapes, seven bananas and a quarter of a watermelon.
Mostly it’s been little stresses, but some of the bombs are huge (read: cancer). But it’s been burying me, and I’ve had to take some time to myself. To be honest, I haven’t had the motivation to come and write here. Even though I need the outlet, all I’ve been wanting to do is curl up in my bed and cry myself to sleep every night.
Except I can’t even cry.
And I don’t know what’s wrong with me but I CAN NOT make myself restrict. I keep going into a binge mode. It’s not that I’m eating a huge amount, I’m eating “normally” or sub-normal even. But my head goes into that state of mind where you physically can’t stop. It’s like you’re outside watching your body on auto pilot and there’s nothing you can do about it. Stress and depression are making me crazy right now, and my inability to get control over my eating and drop some fucking weight is making it so much worse. I haven’t been eating enough to gain, but I’ve been unable to lose for weeks and I’m still a fucking monster. But I’m not giving up the fight and until I manage to get my eating completely under control.
All this is to say, I’m sorry I’ve been gone again. But I’m back. And I’m really going to need your support and motivation to get my head working right again. Right now I don’t even know who I am.
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