Today has kind of started off awfully overall, and yet I find myself in a better mood than I should be.
I’ll start with yesterday. Starvation headaches are fail, and yet completely worth it because it kind of tells me that I’m doing something right. Is it sick that I’m filled with a sense of pride when my body is suffering? My head was killing me when I got home from work, so I had my second (and final) yogurt of the day, took 3 paracetimols and went straight to bed. I slept from six to ten, then got up to get ready for bed, took 2 more painkillers and went straight to sleep until my alarm went off at 8 this morning.
I’m still absolutely exhausted. I’m almost always tired anyway, but at least now I can take it as a result of not eating enough, which places a positive spin on it.
Anyway, last night before I went to bed the second time, I asked my aunts what time they were leaving in the morning so I knew what time I had to get up so that I could get a ride down to the main road. J said 6:45, my aunt said 8:30, so I figured I’d go with my aunt and just get into work an hour later than normal. No big deal, since I’ve got to work an hour later tonight anyway, so my hours will still be on target.
So this morning I got up at 8, brushed my teeth and washed my face etc, and weighed myself. I’m down 4lbs from yesterday. Count em. 1, 2, 3, FOUR. Huzzah! I did a little victory dance and headed back to my room to finish getting ready for work, then realized my aunt wasn’t in bed.
Usually my aunt and her partner get up just after me, since I always seem to set my alarm 5 minutes earlier than they do (or my phone’s clock is five minutes faster than their alarm clocks). So I went downstairs to dump some Pepsi Max from last night and my aunt was by the back door. She asked me what time she told me we had to leave, and I said 8:30. And she was like “No, I have to be there by 8:30.”
So, I had to run upstairs and quickly get ready, and I feel naked and fugly as hell because I have next to no makeup on my face (mascara, powder, and some tinted lip butter). Ugh. Managed to get ready in 10 minutes though.
Now I’m at work and I’m exhausted and I’m empty and I have a 94 calorie fat-free yogurt in my bag for lunch in two hours and that is all. I’m feeling positive – at least, I would be if I were awake enough to feel much of anything haha.
And, I logged on here to see I’ve hit 100 followers on my blog. How is that even possible?? I want to say a huge thank you to each and every one of my followers, I love you all and you guys are the whole reason I keep coming back here. <3
So… here’s to Day Two. And many more losses such as this in the foreseeable future.
Showing posts with label exhausted. Show all posts
Showing posts with label exhausted. Show all posts
Wednesday, 2 June 2010
Wednesday, 12 August 2009
Time, Rolling Along With The Waves
So, once again I need to apologise for not being around much. Work has been ridiculously busy, and isn't aided by the fact that a girl in my team (we'll call her LW) has started talking to me, but when she does she DOES NOT EVER STOP.
I was a little ahead of my work, I went to print my last letter of the day at 3:15, leaving me a good 45 minutes to blog and catch up before I could go home. Except, she picked up a letter from the printer at the same time and started talking. I kept trying to interject to say "Well, I'd better get back to work" but it just didn't happen. Until 3:55 when I finally said "Dude, I'm leaving in 5 minutes, I've gotta go."
Then yesterday, I'd literally just brought up my web browser and she came over to my desk to chat for another 45 minutes. It might have been longer actually, I don't remember. It's a wonder we didn't get shouted at (I mean, my stats are great, so I guess I wouldn't really get in trouble anyway). When I move to the new desk, there's a strong chance it will be worse, as she'll be sitting directly behind me but up one desk - so diagonally kind of. Right now, she's at the opposite end of the office. Lord help me.
She's really nice and I like her (and my GOD is she skinny, she is total fucking thinspo every damn day) but my goodness the girl can talkkkk haha.
Anyway, onto updates.
In the past week (or, god, has it been nearly 2??) I've manged to gain another pound, and am down half a pound today. So I'm still a little up, but it could be worse. I'm getting down because I've lost like NO weight so I'll still be a huge fucking cow when I go to Canada, and suddenly I'm notsomuch looking forward to shopping (except I WILL be doing clothes-hair-skincare-etc shopping with N). Sigh. This past week has been random. I upped my calorie intake a little to keep my metabolism running, but stayed under 1000 every day. Yet still gained a pound (which is now down to a half, thank god). But, I tend to plateau when I'm stressed, and the past week I've been stressed to hell. Work, home, being absolutely fucking exhausted...
I now have to walk home from my bus stop after work (so after a total of two to two-and-a-half hours bus journey to and from, plus 7-9 hours at work), which is good and bad. Good because it is exercise but bad because it's always right after I've spent a good hour trying not to fall asleep on my bus. I swear to god I actually dozed off yesterday and was jolted awake when the driver slammed on his brakes to avoid hitting some little retard. And the walk is 20-25 minutes, uphill the entire way. My calves ache like hell this morning from the walk, which is mostly a good thing, except that the right on is also cramping and that is bad. I'm already so tired right now, the weather is shit, my back and all of the muscles in my neck are aching from stress and exhaustion, I can seriously barely keep my eyes open right now and it's 10:45 in the morning... And I know I have that walk ahead of me.
And girls, right now it feels so daunting. All I want to do is curl up and sleep but I can't. I can't relax. There's always something.
At least it's forcing my lazy ass to get some exercise though, right?
Food plan right now is, from today, pushing lower again. Lunch is a 10 calorie soup, and to be honest I don't even particularly want it right now. I feel like most of me is still asleep, including my digestive system, and it doesn't want to be woken up. But I should probably get something to drink at some point anyway and it might as well be chicken flavoured. Tonight I'll have my 220 calorie Shepherd's Pie and that should be it for the day.
Although realistically, I could just go home and straight to bed and try to relax and get some fucking sleep. We'll see.
Sidenote: at the cinema on Monday night (we went to see Orphan - SO GOOD, although nearish to the beginning I had an inkling of what the surprise would be, and was glad that I was half-right but that they did it REALISTICALLY instead of throwing bullshit all over the place like most movies do), my aunt was stressing about how she thinks she's overeating. To put this in perspective, what she had all day:
Breakfast: 1/2 a weetabix with a little milk
Lunch: 100 calorie tomato cup-a-soup
Dinner: A bowl of some manner of soup that J made for them.
Snack: a handful of Ritz crackers
I was like "Dude.....you are not overeating. If that's all I ate in a day you would shout at me."
I think because she's had a different surgery from J and H, and it's more possible for her to overeat, she's therefore convinced that she IS overeating. And I'm like... chill.
I dunno, anyway, I need to get back to work. And try not to pass out. I AM SO TIRED, and I'm so sore all over. My sore neck is making my head hurt >.<
I was a little ahead of my work, I went to print my last letter of the day at 3:15, leaving me a good 45 minutes to blog and catch up before I could go home. Except, she picked up a letter from the printer at the same time and started talking. I kept trying to interject to say "Well, I'd better get back to work" but it just didn't happen. Until 3:55 when I finally said "Dude, I'm leaving in 5 minutes, I've gotta go."
Then yesterday, I'd literally just brought up my web browser and she came over to my desk to chat for another 45 minutes. It might have been longer actually, I don't remember. It's a wonder we didn't get shouted at (I mean, my stats are great, so I guess I wouldn't really get in trouble anyway). When I move to the new desk, there's a strong chance it will be worse, as she'll be sitting directly behind me but up one desk - so diagonally kind of. Right now, she's at the opposite end of the office. Lord help me.
She's really nice and I like her (and my GOD is she skinny, she is total fucking thinspo every damn day) but my goodness the girl can talkkkk haha.
Anyway, onto updates.
In the past week (or, god, has it been nearly 2??) I've manged to gain another pound, and am down half a pound today. So I'm still a little up, but it could be worse. I'm getting down because I've lost like NO weight so I'll still be a huge fucking cow when I go to Canada, and suddenly I'm notsomuch looking forward to shopping (except I WILL be doing clothes-hair-skincare-etc shopping with N). Sigh. This past week has been random. I upped my calorie intake a little to keep my metabolism running, but stayed under 1000 every day. Yet still gained a pound (which is now down to a half, thank god). But, I tend to plateau when I'm stressed, and the past week I've been stressed to hell. Work, home, being absolutely fucking exhausted...
I now have to walk home from my bus stop after work (so after a total of two to two-and-a-half hours bus journey to and from, plus 7-9 hours at work), which is good and bad. Good because it is exercise but bad because it's always right after I've spent a good hour trying not to fall asleep on my bus. I swear to god I actually dozed off yesterday and was jolted awake when the driver slammed on his brakes to avoid hitting some little retard. And the walk is 20-25 minutes, uphill the entire way. My calves ache like hell this morning from the walk, which is mostly a good thing, except that the right on is also cramping and that is bad. I'm already so tired right now, the weather is shit, my back and all of the muscles in my neck are aching from stress and exhaustion, I can seriously barely keep my eyes open right now and it's 10:45 in the morning... And I know I have that walk ahead of me.
And girls, right now it feels so daunting. All I want to do is curl up and sleep but I can't. I can't relax. There's always something.
At least it's forcing my lazy ass to get some exercise though, right?
Food plan right now is, from today, pushing lower again. Lunch is a 10 calorie soup, and to be honest I don't even particularly want it right now. I feel like most of me is still asleep, including my digestive system, and it doesn't want to be woken up. But I should probably get something to drink at some point anyway and it might as well be chicken flavoured. Tonight I'll have my 220 calorie Shepherd's Pie and that should be it for the day.
Although realistically, I could just go home and straight to bed and try to relax and get some fucking sleep. We'll see.
Sidenote: at the cinema on Monday night (we went to see Orphan - SO GOOD, although nearish to the beginning I had an inkling of what the surprise would be, and was glad that I was half-right but that they did it REALISTICALLY instead of throwing bullshit all over the place like most movies do), my aunt was stressing about how she thinks she's overeating. To put this in perspective, what she had all day:
Breakfast: 1/2 a weetabix with a little milk
Lunch: 100 calorie tomato cup-a-soup
Dinner: A bowl of some manner of soup that J made for them.
Snack: a handful of Ritz crackers
I was like "Dude.....you are not overeating. If that's all I ate in a day you would shout at me."
I think because she's had a different surgery from J and H, and it's more possible for her to overeat, she's therefore convinced that she IS overeating. And I'm like... chill.
I dunno, anyway, I need to get back to work. And try not to pass out. I AM SO TIRED, and I'm so sore all over. My sore neck is making my head hurt >.<
Tuesday, 19 May 2009
Bleghghghhgghgh
...Shit, I forgot what I even wrote about yesterday, let me go check.
Okay yeah, I already wrote about work. So, instead of writing about work more, I'm going to ramble.
Mostly the rambling is because I am SO god damned tired that it is unbelievable. So this is going to be terribly disjointed and retarded.
Yesterday wasn't too bad, in total I guess I had maybe 600 calories, which is more than I had intended but it could be worse. Still, it sucks.
Anyway while at work yesterday afternoon I decided I would bake, to bring into work. I guess it's some kind of "tradition" or whatev that when it's your birthday you bring something in, like something homemade or a buffet. But, I'm cheap, and no way am I going to traipse around the supermarket and spend £50 on food I'm not even going to eat. So instead I bought £12 worth of eggs and butter and vanilla and peanut butter and chocolate, and made my Peanut-Butter-And-White-Chocolate-Blondies instead.
I was going to make peanut butter cupcakes with chocolate frosting. But the problem there is that there would be NO WAY that I could possibly resist them. I fucking love peanut butter, and PB-Cupcakes would be amazing. And I also decided against them because, do you know what a pain in the ass it is to take cupcakes to work, on the bus?? Yeah.
God, I'm sorry. It's so counterintuitive to be talking about baked goods and stuff here, and I apologise if I'm awakening cravings in you. If it bothers you let me know and I'll try to cut it down/out ^.^
Anyway the Blondies are in a clip-top container thing on a desk near me, but I'm holding back and not having them. I also gave the rest of the previous batch to my neighbour's kids last night so woot.
I am so ridiculously tired today. My insomnia is rearing its ugly head with more force than usual. I knew I would be tired yesterday because my sleep schedule was thrown completely out of whack during my week off. But yesterday wasn't so bad, I was in bed by 11 and so tired I should have passed right out. Key words there being "should have." And when I finally did fall asleep, one of my aunt's cats came in trying to play with my cat and she was having none of it so she kept fighting with him. Finally at 5:30 I got up and had to shut him out so he'd stop bothering her.
When my alarm went off at 7, it was the WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD. Ugh. I feel sick - probably because I just downed my vitamins on an empty stomach with half a bottle of water, and taking my vitamins in the morning always makes me feel sick for some reason?? - and I'm so tired I almost fell asleep on the bus into work. And I'm starting to get a headache, and have no painkillers on me. All I have is this holistic herbal menthol gel stuff that you're supposed to rub on your forehead and it's supposed to make headaches go away. Yeah fucking right. And plus, the gel fucks up my makeup =/
And I'm totally craving food. Not just like your average binge-food. I don't want anything sweet and I don't want takeout or anything. I'm just craving something SUBSTANTIAL, and home-ey. Like the kind of food my grandma makes for Sunday dinners or used to have waiting for me when I got home from work. Which is EXACTLY the kind of food I do not need! Fatty roasted meats and lots of potatoes and shit. Sigh. What I really want right now is a full English breakfast. But I'm not going to get it. Because A: it's not worth the agony and feeling shit and self-sabotage. And also because I need to be saving money.
Seriously. The money I spent last week on Birthday Food And Stuff is ridiculous. In the end I've decided that, if I keep telling myself "V, you can not afford that MAC Lipstick" then why the fuck should I be able to take that same money (or more) and spend it on like pizza or something?
Exactly.
So, when I'm on the verge of giving in and buying something I should not be having, I think what I might do is transfer the cash into my savings instead. Or withdraw it and stash it somewhere.
Once I've finished paying off my credit card, I mean. Fucking flights and their costly.. costs.
Anyway. I'm rambling even more than I expected to, so that's all for now. I'll post up the SC2009 details at some point today, assuming I don't pass out at my desk and/or die from feeling like shit =]
Xoxo
Vee
Okay yeah, I already wrote about work. So, instead of writing about work more, I'm going to ramble.
Mostly the rambling is because I am SO god damned tired that it is unbelievable. So this is going to be terribly disjointed and retarded.
Yesterday wasn't too bad, in total I guess I had maybe 600 calories, which is more than I had intended but it could be worse. Still, it sucks.
Anyway while at work yesterday afternoon I decided I would bake, to bring into work. I guess it's some kind of "tradition" or whatev that when it's your birthday you bring something in, like something homemade or a buffet. But, I'm cheap, and no way am I going to traipse around the supermarket and spend £50 on food I'm not even going to eat. So instead I bought £12 worth of eggs and butter and vanilla and peanut butter and chocolate, and made my Peanut-Butter-And-White-Chocolate-Blondies instead.
I was going to make peanut butter cupcakes with chocolate frosting. But the problem there is that there would be NO WAY that I could possibly resist them. I fucking love peanut butter, and PB-Cupcakes would be amazing. And I also decided against them because, do you know what a pain in the ass it is to take cupcakes to work, on the bus?? Yeah.
God, I'm sorry. It's so counterintuitive to be talking about baked goods and stuff here, and I apologise if I'm awakening cravings in you. If it bothers you let me know and I'll try to cut it down/out ^.^
Anyway the Blondies are in a clip-top container thing on a desk near me, but I'm holding back and not having them. I also gave the rest of the previous batch to my neighbour's kids last night so woot.
I am so ridiculously tired today. My insomnia is rearing its ugly head with more force than usual. I knew I would be tired yesterday because my sleep schedule was thrown completely out of whack during my week off. But yesterday wasn't so bad, I was in bed by 11 and so tired I should have passed right out. Key words there being "should have." And when I finally did fall asleep, one of my aunt's cats came in trying to play with my cat and she was having none of it so she kept fighting with him. Finally at 5:30 I got up and had to shut him out so he'd stop bothering her.
When my alarm went off at 7, it was the WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD. Ugh. I feel sick - probably because I just downed my vitamins on an empty stomach with half a bottle of water, and taking my vitamins in the morning always makes me feel sick for some reason?? - and I'm so tired I almost fell asleep on the bus into work. And I'm starting to get a headache, and have no painkillers on me. All I have is this holistic herbal menthol gel stuff that you're supposed to rub on your forehead and it's supposed to make headaches go away. Yeah fucking right. And plus, the gel fucks up my makeup =/
And I'm totally craving food. Not just like your average binge-food. I don't want anything sweet and I don't want takeout or anything. I'm just craving something SUBSTANTIAL, and home-ey. Like the kind of food my grandma makes for Sunday dinners or used to have waiting for me when I got home from work. Which is EXACTLY the kind of food I do not need! Fatty roasted meats and lots of potatoes and shit. Sigh. What I really want right now is a full English breakfast. But I'm not going to get it. Because A: it's not worth the agony and feeling shit and self-sabotage. And also because I need to be saving money.
Seriously. The money I spent last week on Birthday Food And Stuff is ridiculous. In the end I've decided that, if I keep telling myself "V, you can not afford that MAC Lipstick" then why the fuck should I be able to take that same money (or more) and spend it on like pizza or something?
Exactly.
So, when I'm on the verge of giving in and buying something I should not be having, I think what I might do is transfer the cash into my savings instead. Or withdraw it and stash it somewhere.
Once I've finished paying off my credit card, I mean. Fucking flights and their costly.. costs.
Anyway. I'm rambling even more than I expected to, so that's all for now. I'll post up the SC2009 details at some point today, assuming I don't pass out at my desk and/or die from feeling like shit =]
Xoxo
Vee
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