Hm, I just re-read my previous two posts and... maybe... I'm losing my shit and stressing out BECAUSE things are going so well?
I'm used to things breaking down and hitting rock bottom the instant that my life starts going well. So maybe... Things are going so well right now and I'm expecting another huge setback to fuck me up, somewhere around the corner. I don't know if I could deal with it.
So maybe I'm making myself stress out because I'm waiting for the second shoe to drop as it were.
I'm psychoanalyzing myself and I've never taken a psych class, I need to shut the fuck up.
I feel like such a screwup.
Tuesday, 19 May 2009
Fighting
...hopefully NOT a losing battle.
I'm in full-on binge mode. I can feel it swelling up inside of me. I'm not even hungry but the need to eat and eat and eat is almost overwhelming. Earlier it was just "good" homemade food that I wanted but now I'm in a place psycholigically where it doesn't matter what the fuck it is.
So far I've been okay. I've had a couple of the very small brownies I brought in, and lots of water, and nothing else. But when I go home, there is food. And I'm in a mood where I almost want to make a huge batch of peanut butter cupcakes and then devour all two dozen of them.
I feel like a complete failure admitting this because, although last week's food was bad and couldn't technically be called a "binge" I guess (portion control wasn't TOO bad), I've only been restricting properly for ONE fucking day and I'm already a mess.
Part of me is telling me to just get it out of my system. To eat everything I want tonight, and then throw away EVERYTHING so that the ONLY food left in the house is my aunts'. But I don't want to be a failure before I've even really gotten into it. If I had been restricting and fasting for two weeks, I could understand the need to binge that's welling up inside of me, that's cresting over me like a fucking tsunami. But I haven't. I've had one meal a day for the past two weeks, and that one meal has NOT been restrictive. Somewhere between bingeing and restricting is where I'd been. I want to say "normal" but normal people eat more than once a day, right?
But the fact of the matter is, I've gained weight. I don't know how much but I'm estimating that I have put back on the 5lbs I lost the week before. I am planning to NOT step on the scale until Saturday morning, that hopefully whatever damage was inflicted will be undone by then. Because if I look at the scale and see 200 again I... just have no idea how I'd react. Even when I weighed in at 198 a couple of weeks ago, it was bad but damn it, it was under The Magic Number.
So the huge other side of me is screaming at me not to fuck up. To be GOOD for fucksakes. To understand that my body can not possibly be that hungry and starved of nutrients and calories and shit. And even if it IS, that's just a better oppourtunity to let it burn and enjoy the ride.
I've never felt like this before. I've had my bingey moments, don't get me wrong. But I've never felt it like THIS and I don't know how to react or what to do. I don't want to give in. And if I do, I will feel worse than I do right now. So is it worth it? No, it's not. But I'm sure you out there can appreciate that it's not always up to us what we do and don't eat. And I'm terrified of fucking up, of being unable to get myself under strict control. Why was it so easy before Birthday Madness? That first week back here was so easy. And before all the shittaliciousness that caused me to fall off, back in February, it was so easy.
So why is it so hard right now?
Usually my drive to eat, my inability to reign in the fat monster inside of me, is linked with stress. But I'm not stressed right now!
Since I moved here I never really forged any close friendships except with my ex, who turned out to be a monster douche. Now I've got a really close friendship with S and I love her. My working life is going amazingly well. I just got a raise so I can stop obsessing over my half-year review coming up in six weeks, because obviously my manager is damn happy with me! I'm going on two rock ass vacations before the end of the year. I'll get to see my best friends for the first time in three years, and then laze around in the sun in a four-star hotel on a beach in Cancun. In a few weeks I'm moving to a slightly bigger house in a much nicer neighbourhood - once my trips are paid off I can look into buying some stuff for my room, to make it My Space (not to be confused with the social networking 'site). There isn't a man in my life right now, but for the first time in a while I'm not actually depressed over that fact.
Everything in my life feels like it's slowly starting to fall back into place, that the pieces of the puzzle are slotting themself together and I'm feeling optimistic for the first time since I can't even remember when.
So why do I feel like I'm losing my shit?
It's not just the whole wanting to binge and sabotage myself. I feel like something contained deep down inside is fighting to come out. That its bonds are cracking at the seams and something is going to explode. I feel like I'm going crazy.
Give me strength girls. And thanks for listening.
I'm in full-on binge mode. I can feel it swelling up inside of me. I'm not even hungry but the need to eat and eat and eat is almost overwhelming. Earlier it was just "good" homemade food that I wanted but now I'm in a place psycholigically where it doesn't matter what the fuck it is.
So far I've been okay. I've had a couple of the very small brownies I brought in, and lots of water, and nothing else. But when I go home, there is food. And I'm in a mood where I almost want to make a huge batch of peanut butter cupcakes and then devour all two dozen of them.
I feel like a complete failure admitting this because, although last week's food was bad and couldn't technically be called a "binge" I guess (portion control wasn't TOO bad), I've only been restricting properly for ONE fucking day and I'm already a mess.
Part of me is telling me to just get it out of my system. To eat everything I want tonight, and then throw away EVERYTHING so that the ONLY food left in the house is my aunts'. But I don't want to be a failure before I've even really gotten into it. If I had been restricting and fasting for two weeks, I could understand the need to binge that's welling up inside of me, that's cresting over me like a fucking tsunami. But I haven't. I've had one meal a day for the past two weeks, and that one meal has NOT been restrictive. Somewhere between bingeing and restricting is where I'd been. I want to say "normal" but normal people eat more than once a day, right?
But the fact of the matter is, I've gained weight. I don't know how much but I'm estimating that I have put back on the 5lbs I lost the week before. I am planning to NOT step on the scale until Saturday morning, that hopefully whatever damage was inflicted will be undone by then. Because if I look at the scale and see 200 again I... just have no idea how I'd react. Even when I weighed in at 198 a couple of weeks ago, it was bad but damn it, it was under The Magic Number.
So the huge other side of me is screaming at me not to fuck up. To be GOOD for fucksakes. To understand that my body can not possibly be that hungry and starved of nutrients and calories and shit. And even if it IS, that's just a better oppourtunity to let it burn and enjoy the ride.
I've never felt like this before. I've had my bingey moments, don't get me wrong. But I've never felt it like THIS and I don't know how to react or what to do. I don't want to give in. And if I do, I will feel worse than I do right now. So is it worth it? No, it's not. But I'm sure you out there can appreciate that it's not always up to us what we do and don't eat. And I'm terrified of fucking up, of being unable to get myself under strict control. Why was it so easy before Birthday Madness? That first week back here was so easy. And before all the shittaliciousness that caused me to fall off, back in February, it was so easy.
So why is it so hard right now?
Usually my drive to eat, my inability to reign in the fat monster inside of me, is linked with stress. But I'm not stressed right now!
Since I moved here I never really forged any close friendships except with my ex, who turned out to be a monster douche. Now I've got a really close friendship with S and I love her. My working life is going amazingly well. I just got a raise so I can stop obsessing over my half-year review coming up in six weeks, because obviously my manager is damn happy with me! I'm going on two rock ass vacations before the end of the year. I'll get to see my best friends for the first time in three years, and then laze around in the sun in a four-star hotel on a beach in Cancun. In a few weeks I'm moving to a slightly bigger house in a much nicer neighbourhood - once my trips are paid off I can look into buying some stuff for my room, to make it My Space (not to be confused with the social networking 'site). There isn't a man in my life right now, but for the first time in a while I'm not actually depressed over that fact.
Everything in my life feels like it's slowly starting to fall back into place, that the pieces of the puzzle are slotting themself together and I'm feeling optimistic for the first time since I can't even remember when.
So why do I feel like I'm losing my shit?
It's not just the whole wanting to binge and sabotage myself. I feel like something contained deep down inside is fighting to come out. That its bonds are cracking at the seams and something is going to explode. I feel like I'm going crazy.
Give me strength girls. And thanks for listening.
Bleghghghhgghgh
...Shit, I forgot what I even wrote about yesterday, let me go check.
Okay yeah, I already wrote about work. So, instead of writing about work more, I'm going to ramble.
Mostly the rambling is because I am SO god damned tired that it is unbelievable. So this is going to be terribly disjointed and retarded.
Yesterday wasn't too bad, in total I guess I had maybe 600 calories, which is more than I had intended but it could be worse. Still, it sucks.
Anyway while at work yesterday afternoon I decided I would bake, to bring into work. I guess it's some kind of "tradition" or whatev that when it's your birthday you bring something in, like something homemade or a buffet. But, I'm cheap, and no way am I going to traipse around the supermarket and spend £50 on food I'm not even going to eat. So instead I bought £12 worth of eggs and butter and vanilla and peanut butter and chocolate, and made my Peanut-Butter-And-White-Chocolate-Blondies instead.
I was going to make peanut butter cupcakes with chocolate frosting. But the problem there is that there would be NO WAY that I could possibly resist them. I fucking love peanut butter, and PB-Cupcakes would be amazing. And I also decided against them because, do you know what a pain in the ass it is to take cupcakes to work, on the bus?? Yeah.
God, I'm sorry. It's so counterintuitive to be talking about baked goods and stuff here, and I apologise if I'm awakening cravings in you. If it bothers you let me know and I'll try to cut it down/out ^.^
Anyway the Blondies are in a clip-top container thing on a desk near me, but I'm holding back and not having them. I also gave the rest of the previous batch to my neighbour's kids last night so woot.
I am so ridiculously tired today. My insomnia is rearing its ugly head with more force than usual. I knew I would be tired yesterday because my sleep schedule was thrown completely out of whack during my week off. But yesterday wasn't so bad, I was in bed by 11 and so tired I should have passed right out. Key words there being "should have." And when I finally did fall asleep, one of my aunt's cats came in trying to play with my cat and she was having none of it so she kept fighting with him. Finally at 5:30 I got up and had to shut him out so he'd stop bothering her.
When my alarm went off at 7, it was the WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD. Ugh. I feel sick - probably because I just downed my vitamins on an empty stomach with half a bottle of water, and taking my vitamins in the morning always makes me feel sick for some reason?? - and I'm so tired I almost fell asleep on the bus into work. And I'm starting to get a headache, and have no painkillers on me. All I have is this holistic herbal menthol gel stuff that you're supposed to rub on your forehead and it's supposed to make headaches go away. Yeah fucking right. And plus, the gel fucks up my makeup =/
And I'm totally craving food. Not just like your average binge-food. I don't want anything sweet and I don't want takeout or anything. I'm just craving something SUBSTANTIAL, and home-ey. Like the kind of food my grandma makes for Sunday dinners or used to have waiting for me when I got home from work. Which is EXACTLY the kind of food I do not need! Fatty roasted meats and lots of potatoes and shit. Sigh. What I really want right now is a full English breakfast. But I'm not going to get it. Because A: it's not worth the agony and feeling shit and self-sabotage. And also because I need to be saving money.
Seriously. The money I spent last week on Birthday Food And Stuff is ridiculous. In the end I've decided that, if I keep telling myself "V, you can not afford that MAC Lipstick" then why the fuck should I be able to take that same money (or more) and spend it on like pizza or something?
Exactly.
So, when I'm on the verge of giving in and buying something I should not be having, I think what I might do is transfer the cash into my savings instead. Or withdraw it and stash it somewhere.
Once I've finished paying off my credit card, I mean. Fucking flights and their costly.. costs.
Anyway. I'm rambling even more than I expected to, so that's all for now. I'll post up the SC2009 details at some point today, assuming I don't pass out at my desk and/or die from feeling like shit =]
Xoxo
Vee
Okay yeah, I already wrote about work. So, instead of writing about work more, I'm going to ramble.
Mostly the rambling is because I am SO god damned tired that it is unbelievable. So this is going to be terribly disjointed and retarded.
Yesterday wasn't too bad, in total I guess I had maybe 600 calories, which is more than I had intended but it could be worse. Still, it sucks.
Anyway while at work yesterday afternoon I decided I would bake, to bring into work. I guess it's some kind of "tradition" or whatev that when it's your birthday you bring something in, like something homemade or a buffet. But, I'm cheap, and no way am I going to traipse around the supermarket and spend £50 on food I'm not even going to eat. So instead I bought £12 worth of eggs and butter and vanilla and peanut butter and chocolate, and made my Peanut-Butter-And-White-Chocolate-Blondies instead.
I was going to make peanut butter cupcakes with chocolate frosting. But the problem there is that there would be NO WAY that I could possibly resist them. I fucking love peanut butter, and PB-Cupcakes would be amazing. And I also decided against them because, do you know what a pain in the ass it is to take cupcakes to work, on the bus?? Yeah.
God, I'm sorry. It's so counterintuitive to be talking about baked goods and stuff here, and I apologise if I'm awakening cravings in you. If it bothers you let me know and I'll try to cut it down/out ^.^
Anyway the Blondies are in a clip-top container thing on a desk near me, but I'm holding back and not having them. I also gave the rest of the previous batch to my neighbour's kids last night so woot.
I am so ridiculously tired today. My insomnia is rearing its ugly head with more force than usual. I knew I would be tired yesterday because my sleep schedule was thrown completely out of whack during my week off. But yesterday wasn't so bad, I was in bed by 11 and so tired I should have passed right out. Key words there being "should have." And when I finally did fall asleep, one of my aunt's cats came in trying to play with my cat and she was having none of it so she kept fighting with him. Finally at 5:30 I got up and had to shut him out so he'd stop bothering her.
When my alarm went off at 7, it was the WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD. Ugh. I feel sick - probably because I just downed my vitamins on an empty stomach with half a bottle of water, and taking my vitamins in the morning always makes me feel sick for some reason?? - and I'm so tired I almost fell asleep on the bus into work. And I'm starting to get a headache, and have no painkillers on me. All I have is this holistic herbal menthol gel stuff that you're supposed to rub on your forehead and it's supposed to make headaches go away. Yeah fucking right. And plus, the gel fucks up my makeup =/
And I'm totally craving food. Not just like your average binge-food. I don't want anything sweet and I don't want takeout or anything. I'm just craving something SUBSTANTIAL, and home-ey. Like the kind of food my grandma makes for Sunday dinners or used to have waiting for me when I got home from work. Which is EXACTLY the kind of food I do not need! Fatty roasted meats and lots of potatoes and shit. Sigh. What I really want right now is a full English breakfast. But I'm not going to get it. Because A: it's not worth the agony and feeling shit and self-sabotage. And also because I need to be saving money.
Seriously. The money I spent last week on Birthday Food And Stuff is ridiculous. In the end I've decided that, if I keep telling myself "V, you can not afford that MAC Lipstick" then why the fuck should I be able to take that same money (or more) and spend it on like pizza or something?
Exactly.
So, when I'm on the verge of giving in and buying something I should not be having, I think what I might do is transfer the cash into my savings instead. Or withdraw it and stash it somewhere.
Once I've finished paying off my credit card, I mean. Fucking flights and their costly.. costs.
Anyway. I'm rambling even more than I expected to, so that's all for now. I'll post up the SC2009 details at some point today, assuming I don't pass out at my desk and/or die from feeling like shit =]
Xoxo
Vee
Monday, 18 May 2009
S2009 Challenge
Just a quick note to say that I'm going to put up all the details for this challenge in the near future, just what with last week I didn't want to be a hypocrite. In the meantime, for information on this challenge, please have a look at THIS blog =]
Xoxo
Vee
Xoxo
Vee
Monday Catch-Up
I avoided my blog last week, mostly because of all the crap going on. I also completely avoided my scale, and it's killing me not knowing exactly what I weigh. But I think it would be much worse to look and find out just how MUCH I've gained.
Last week was The Week of Birthday Eating that I couldn't get out of. Restaurants and fast food and more restaurants, and baking (although I've been really good with the baked goods, I only had a couple "blondie" brownies and a cupcake - the coffee in the buttercream icing gave me a migraine so it was a great excuse to avoid the rest and give them to my neighbours).
I won't list all the crap I had to go out for with friends and family, because I don't want to trigger a binge for anybody, but we'll suffice it to say that I will not be at all surprised if I weighed myself this morning to find the big 200 staring back at me.
But, all of the birthday festivities are over and I can go back to the whole "Um no I can't go out for dinner" excuses.
And today has started off remarkably well!
But I have to skip back to last week again before I can explain how good today is. See, after my aunts left for Spain on Saturday Morning last week, I've been on my own in the house except when people came over for birthday shizz. And I tend to get really paranoid and retarded when I'm on my own. I'm not afraid to admit that I'm afraid of the dark to start with, so I am very good at freaking myself out. I also live in a neighbourhood where the local teens are not above mugging old men or slashing tires for no reason. So every noise had me completely convinced someone was going to break into the house or bust up my aunt's car.
The third night, I had stayed up until around 2-3 am, chatting with my good friends online, when a short, very high pitched, VERY LOUD beep sounded throughout the house. I couldn't figure out what it was or where it was coming from. That night, I got to sleep around 6am, no lie. Ugh. And for four days I could not figure out what it was or where it was coming from, and it was really weirding me out that it was only doing it at night. It would start at 1am and keep going at random intervals (anywhere between 10 minutes and a little over an hour) until between 9 and 11 the next morning. Thank god for earplugs, although it was loud so I could still hear it.
Yesterday, it kept going, and after beeping every 15 minutes until 2 in the afternoon, I finally figured it out: our fucking smoke alarm. I went up to it, braced myself and pressed the TEST button - and nothing happened. It SHOULD have emitted a high, loud, fast BEEPBEEPBEEPBEEP that would probably deafen me entirely OR cure my tinnitus with shock therapy. But nothing happened. So I took the fucking dead battery out and HEY NO NOISE. AWESOME.
Of course, the night before last I didn't go to sleep until around 4 so I slept fitfully until 1pm yesterday afternoon. This kind of sleeping pattern is not conducive to going back to a work schedule. So of course last night I couldn't sleep at all, finally passed out around 4ish and my alarm went off at 7. Ugh.
So, I came into work - 20 minutes later than usual - and thought this was the shitty start to a shitty new day. But when I went to get my phone out of my bag (I keep my mobile on my desk "just in case" because between my aunt's suicidal tendencies and my grandfather's "could-drop-dead-at-any-minute-five-minutes-from-now-or-ten-years-from-now" heart condition, you never know) I discovered £10 I forgot I had. I'd gotten £10 cash back when I'd paid for some baking supplies at Tesco on Friday and thrown it into my bag with the receipt and then forgot all about it so whoo!
Then! My manager pulled me aside a few minutes ago to tell me about pay rises. I was under the impression I wouldn't be getting one, because our work's intranet said the pay review was only for those who haven't had any recent raises already. But my manager clearly rocks out loud. Basically he'd been given a budget to give everyone in our team a rise up to a total of 3.5% of our annual salary, at his discretion. So he said he'd decided to give people he was really impressed with the full 3.5, 1.75 would go to average people, and very little-to-nothing to people who were "crap" (his word, not mine) - then he proceeded to tell me he's super pleased with me, the work that I do, how I interact with the rest of the team (and apparently my facebook updates make him lol) so I've got the full 3.5%. THEN! To make it even better he came back to tell me it will be paid in this month's salary (next week) AND! it's being backdated for the previous 2 months. Considering the amount of overtime I've got in this month's pay, that should really bump it up.
Thank fuck, because I really need all the help I can get or Cancun is going on my credit card.
So yeah. This week, like I said, is a "new leaf" as it were. Effective immediately I'm cutting back to a maximum cap of 400 calories a day and will try to keep below that. I've been having probiotic drinks in the morning because my immune system and also my digestion (From a childhood bout with pnumonia, and all the shit I've eaten this week, respectively) are fucked up. I've got a fat free 100kcal yogurt on my desk that I was planning on having for lunch but I'm not sure I even want it now so I might just get some hot water and a stock cube and have that instead for 19kcals. Dinner, I don't know yet. We'll see when I get home. But sticking under 400 should be ridiculously easy =]
Mmm. I just remembered I need to update y'all on the braces front too, but I'll make a new post for that one.
Here's to starting fresh. Again, I know, but still.
Last week was The Week of Birthday Eating that I couldn't get out of. Restaurants and fast food and more restaurants, and baking (although I've been really good with the baked goods, I only had a couple "blondie" brownies and a cupcake - the coffee in the buttercream icing gave me a migraine so it was a great excuse to avoid the rest and give them to my neighbours).
I won't list all the crap I had to go out for with friends and family, because I don't want to trigger a binge for anybody, but we'll suffice it to say that I will not be at all surprised if I weighed myself this morning to find the big 200 staring back at me.
But, all of the birthday festivities are over and I can go back to the whole "Um no I can't go out for dinner" excuses.
And today has started off remarkably well!
But I have to skip back to last week again before I can explain how good today is. See, after my aunts left for Spain on Saturday Morning last week, I've been on my own in the house except when people came over for birthday shizz. And I tend to get really paranoid and retarded when I'm on my own. I'm not afraid to admit that I'm afraid of the dark to start with, so I am very good at freaking myself out. I also live in a neighbourhood where the local teens are not above mugging old men or slashing tires for no reason. So every noise had me completely convinced someone was going to break into the house or bust up my aunt's car.
The third night, I had stayed up until around 2-3 am, chatting with my good friends online, when a short, very high pitched, VERY LOUD beep sounded throughout the house. I couldn't figure out what it was or where it was coming from. That night, I got to sleep around 6am, no lie. Ugh. And for four days I could not figure out what it was or where it was coming from, and it was really weirding me out that it was only doing it at night. It would start at 1am and keep going at random intervals (anywhere between 10 minutes and a little over an hour) until between 9 and 11 the next morning. Thank god for earplugs, although it was loud so I could still hear it.
Yesterday, it kept going, and after beeping every 15 minutes until 2 in the afternoon, I finally figured it out: our fucking smoke alarm. I went up to it, braced myself and pressed the TEST button - and nothing happened. It SHOULD have emitted a high, loud, fast BEEPBEEPBEEPBEEP that would probably deafen me entirely OR cure my tinnitus with shock therapy. But nothing happened. So I took the fucking dead battery out and HEY NO NOISE. AWESOME.
Of course, the night before last I didn't go to sleep until around 4 so I slept fitfully until 1pm yesterday afternoon. This kind of sleeping pattern is not conducive to going back to a work schedule. So of course last night I couldn't sleep at all, finally passed out around 4ish and my alarm went off at 7. Ugh.
So, I came into work - 20 minutes later than usual - and thought this was the shitty start to a shitty new day. But when I went to get my phone out of my bag (I keep my mobile on my desk "just in case" because between my aunt's suicidal tendencies and my grandfather's "could-drop-dead-at-any-minute-five-minutes-from-now-or-ten-years-from-now" heart condition, you never know) I discovered £10 I forgot I had. I'd gotten £10 cash back when I'd paid for some baking supplies at Tesco on Friday and thrown it into my bag with the receipt and then forgot all about it so whoo!
Then! My manager pulled me aside a few minutes ago to tell me about pay rises. I was under the impression I wouldn't be getting one, because our work's intranet said the pay review was only for those who haven't had any recent raises already. But my manager clearly rocks out loud. Basically he'd been given a budget to give everyone in our team a rise up to a total of 3.5% of our annual salary, at his discretion. So he said he'd decided to give people he was really impressed with the full 3.5, 1.75 would go to average people, and very little-to-nothing to people who were "crap" (his word, not mine) - then he proceeded to tell me he's super pleased with me, the work that I do, how I interact with the rest of the team (and apparently my facebook updates make him lol) so I've got the full 3.5%. THEN! To make it even better he came back to tell me it will be paid in this month's salary (next week) AND! it's being backdated for the previous 2 months. Considering the amount of overtime I've got in this month's pay, that should really bump it up.
Thank fuck, because I really need all the help I can get or Cancun is going on my credit card.
So yeah. This week, like I said, is a "new leaf" as it were. Effective immediately I'm cutting back to a maximum cap of 400 calories a day and will try to keep below that. I've been having probiotic drinks in the morning because my immune system and also my digestion (From a childhood bout with pnumonia, and all the shit I've eaten this week, respectively) are fucked up. I've got a fat free 100kcal yogurt on my desk that I was planning on having for lunch but I'm not sure I even want it now so I might just get some hot water and a stock cube and have that instead for 19kcals. Dinner, I don't know yet. We'll see when I get home. But sticking under 400 should be ridiculously easy =]
Mmm. I just remembered I need to update y'all on the braces front too, but I'll make a new post for that one.
Here's to starting fresh. Again, I know, but still.
Wednesday, 13 May 2009
Happy B-Day x2
So today is my birthday. And also the day my braces were removed.
Well, I guess I should say YESTERDAY since it's just after midnight now but what the fuck ever.
I'll write more later but basically it's been a bad long weekend, sigh.
The braces are gone and the retainer is in place. And putting the retainer in and taking it out hurts like a mother. Hopfeully my teeth will stabilize soon and I won't want to cry everytime I touch the damned things.
Still, it's all been worth it and the teeth look better than I was expecting =] So glad I didn't bother with the teeth-removal-plus-extra-18-months-in-braces proposal. <3
Hope you're all okay. I'll try to remember to do a proper update tomorrow. If I have the energy. You'd think being off work this week I'd be sleeping BETTER than usual, but you would be wrong. Sigh.
Night darlings!
Vee xox
Well, I guess I should say YESTERDAY since it's just after midnight now but what the fuck ever.
I'll write more later but basically it's been a bad long weekend, sigh.
The braces are gone and the retainer is in place. And putting the retainer in and taking it out hurts like a mother. Hopfeully my teeth will stabilize soon and I won't want to cry everytime I touch the damned things.
Still, it's all been worth it and the teeth look better than I was expecting =] So glad I didn't bother with the teeth-removal-plus-extra-18-months-in-braces proposal. <3
Hope you're all okay. I'll try to remember to do a proper update tomorrow. If I have the energy. You'd think being off work this week I'd be sleeping BETTER than usual, but you would be wrong. Sigh.
Night darlings!
Vee xox
Friday, 8 May 2009
Operation: Door Slam
Was a failure.
My aunts didn't say anything about me being noisy this morning. But yesterday when I was woken up I put my facebook status as "V... has a monster friggin headache and is not happy about being woken up while trying to sleep it off =/" and today my aunt commented and said "we are allowed to have guests over in our own home!"
So tonight nobody said anything (I checked this at work before I came home) but while we were in the car I was laughing about what some mutual friends had written on one of my status updates last week. And my aunt commented that "Yeah I replied to yours with this" and laughed. So I was like "Yeah well it wasn't the guests that woke me up." Which she should have known.
Because last night I SAID to her "She woke me up banging the bathroom door last night" but tried to make it into a joke by saying I really needed to get up and do my hair anyway. Just because I hate conflict and don't want to start an argument with my aunt...
Anyway so today she was like "well then what did wake you up?" and I said "the bathroom door banging." Conveniently J kept out of this entire conversation even though she was driving the car we were in. And then my aunt said (half-jokingly, she always says things that annoy her half-jokingly, so I never know HOW Serious she is about shit but whatever) "You're a little bugger for making noise at night, especially if you have your earplugs in!"
Of course, I know I NEVER make noise at night. It's only maybe once a week (if that) that I even get up to use the bathroom at night with my earplugs in. And even if I do get up my bedroom door is gay and sticks and bangs when you OPEN it, no matter how careful you are. You have to force it out of the jamb, in part I think because the carpet and underlay in here is a little too tall for the door so it sticks. Anyway. When I close my door and the bathroom door however I am always SO FUCKING QUIET. So I can only assume she was using this morning's noise to bring it up, since I haven't made any noise in months and my aunt hasn't brought it up in months. But of course somehow "the two bangs I made this morning on purpose" turned into "I bang every single night multiple times" which is bullshit.
Of course again I just ignored it because I didn't want to start a fight. I should have gone on about how ACTUALLY I make an effort and it's J who wakes me up EVERY NIGHT. I usually tend to go to bed earlier than them due to my insomnia. It sounds like a contradiction but I always figure, the earlier I get to bed and eventually fall asleep, the most cumulative hours I'll have stacked up by the time my alarm goes off, in between waking up a billion times. And Every Single Night J bangs around in the bathroom.
So, I was too much of a pussy to turn it into a fight this afternoon.
It doesn't help that they got me a really nice silver charm bracelet with two charms (a union jack / UK flag, and a dolphin) for my birthday and let me open it today even though it's not my birthday until Tuesday. Now I'm looking forward to adding charms =] So I couldn't be a bitch, sigh.
Anyway, they're going away tomorrow and I'll have a big quiet house all to myself for two weeks. Awesome.
And also, the rest of my ED books and stuff came today =] So I've got my 200 Under 200 book which I'll start transcribing to my ED-Foodblog this weekend whoo! And two more tarot books and my new Wiccan Oracle Cards which are pretty awesome - the card feels a little flimsy but they're so beautifully illustrated so I love them.
And we spent half the day at work doing tarot readings - I thought I'd be in shit because half the team was using my "communal" cards (I only have one deck that I'll let other people use, the rest I'll let people shuffle for readings but won't let people "play" with them) and trying to do readings for themselves. And no work got done for like two hours. But then my manager had me show him how to do it and was all enthusiastic for me to show another guy / supervisor dude in my team who sits next to him, so obviously he didn't mind, which rocks. I really like my manager =] He looks a little bit like a shorter Johnny Depp, too
Anyway, I'm tired so I'm going to try to get to sleep early - my aunts are waking me up at 5 tomorrow morning so I can say goodbye before they leave - so I'll talk to you guys tomorrow.
Muchlove!
Vee xox
My aunts didn't say anything about me being noisy this morning. But yesterday when I was woken up I put my facebook status as "V... has a monster friggin headache and is not happy about being woken up while trying to sleep it off =/" and today my aunt commented and said "we are allowed to have guests over in our own home!"
So tonight nobody said anything (I checked this at work before I came home) but while we were in the car I was laughing about what some mutual friends had written on one of my status updates last week. And my aunt commented that "Yeah I replied to yours with this" and laughed. So I was like "Yeah well it wasn't the guests that woke me up." Which she should have known.
Because last night I SAID to her "She woke me up banging the bathroom door last night" but tried to make it into a joke by saying I really needed to get up and do my hair anyway. Just because I hate conflict and don't want to start an argument with my aunt...
Anyway so today she was like "well then what did wake you up?" and I said "the bathroom door banging." Conveniently J kept out of this entire conversation even though she was driving the car we were in. And then my aunt said (half-jokingly, she always says things that annoy her half-jokingly, so I never know HOW Serious she is about shit but whatever) "You're a little bugger for making noise at night, especially if you have your earplugs in!"
Of course, I know I NEVER make noise at night. It's only maybe once a week (if that) that I even get up to use the bathroom at night with my earplugs in. And even if I do get up my bedroom door is gay and sticks and bangs when you OPEN it, no matter how careful you are. You have to force it out of the jamb, in part I think because the carpet and underlay in here is a little too tall for the door so it sticks. Anyway. When I close my door and the bathroom door however I am always SO FUCKING QUIET. So I can only assume she was using this morning's noise to bring it up, since I haven't made any noise in months and my aunt hasn't brought it up in months. But of course somehow "the two bangs I made this morning on purpose" turned into "I bang every single night multiple times" which is bullshit.
Of course again I just ignored it because I didn't want to start a fight. I should have gone on about how ACTUALLY I make an effort and it's J who wakes me up EVERY NIGHT. I usually tend to go to bed earlier than them due to my insomnia. It sounds like a contradiction but I always figure, the earlier I get to bed and eventually fall asleep, the most cumulative hours I'll have stacked up by the time my alarm goes off, in between waking up a billion times. And Every Single Night J bangs around in the bathroom.
So, I was too much of a pussy to turn it into a fight this afternoon.
It doesn't help that they got me a really nice silver charm bracelet with two charms (a union jack / UK flag, and a dolphin) for my birthday and let me open it today even though it's not my birthday until Tuesday. Now I'm looking forward to adding charms =] So I couldn't be a bitch, sigh.
Anyway, they're going away tomorrow and I'll have a big quiet house all to myself for two weeks. Awesome.
And also, the rest of my ED books and stuff came today =] So I've got my 200 Under 200 book which I'll start transcribing to my ED-Foodblog this weekend whoo! And two more tarot books and my new Wiccan Oracle Cards which are pretty awesome - the card feels a little flimsy but they're so beautifully illustrated so I love them.
And we spent half the day at work doing tarot readings - I thought I'd be in shit because half the team was using my "communal" cards (I only have one deck that I'll let other people use, the rest I'll let people shuffle for readings but won't let people "play" with them) and trying to do readings for themselves. And no work got done for like two hours. But then my manager had me show him how to do it and was all enthusiastic for me to show another guy / supervisor dude in my team who sits next to him, so obviously he didn't mind, which rocks. I really like my manager =] He looks a little bit like a shorter Johnny Depp, too
Anyway, I'm tired so I'm going to try to get to sleep early - my aunts are waking me up at 5 tomorrow morning so I can say goodbye before they leave - so I'll talk to you guys tomorrow.
Muchlove!
Vee xox
Dream of Freedom
I've just been chatting over MSN to a friend of mine, who we shall call R. Because it is his first initial and I'm pretty sure we don't have an R in our story yet =]
Anyway. He's... I don't want to say a hippie type but it's probably the best way to describe him. He's all dreadlocks and political opinions and reefer. But that isn't all he is. He's very intelligent and very wise beyond his years, even though he's only a year older than I am. I find there are very few people these days that I can actually have a real, meaningful conversation with, and even fewer people that I can be my completely real self around. So many people don't appreciate certain sides of my personality and sometimes, although I still consider myself an individual and don't really care much what people think of me, I find myself editing out the pieces I know people don't appreciate. Like the swearing or the constant sarcasm or the fact that I'm a mean, nihilistic, cynical bitch who has zero faith or respect in humanity, and laughs her ASS off at dead baby jokes.
R gets all of these parts of my personality and I think that's why we get along so well; in many ways, we're pretty similar people.
We met when he came into my team at work as a temp a little over a year or so ago, and I made up some training notes for him and the other new person to use. We didn't talk a GREAT deal at the time, because I was pretty new to the team myself and can be introverted and shy when the mood strikes me, and he's the same way. He told me later that he's the kind of person who wraps up who they really are and doesn't really let himself loose around people he doesn't know. Ironically, it was his last day here, the day before he left to go into a much better job that his immense artistic talent was much more suited for, that those walls broke down. We talked and we joked and it was awesome. We clicked like old friends. And then, of course, he left.
We have kept in touch though, talking on occasion over facebook but more often by chatting on MSN. Our conversations vary between meaningless chatter about our day or a video game, to more deeper, introspective stuff that forces us to really think. And it's nice to have that variety, you know?
But one major difference between R and myself is that he is so much more free, so much more... independent. He sees what he wants and he charges ahead to get it. And I respect him SO much for that, I don't think he realizes.
He's planning on moving to Korea, and just now told me that he'll have to put it off for a while because when you land in Korea they do blood tests, and he said he would be deported as soon as they found traces of cannabis in his system. This in and of itself is a huge deal, and a step I wish I was brave enough to take. He's moving to Korea ON HIS OWN. I could never just take a leap and move to a completely foreign country all alone. Yes, I moved from Canada to England once I turned eighteen, but that is so not the same thing. I had a firm support net here, and moved in with family immediately. My family supported and continue to help support me. If I didn't have them here, I would not have moved, it's that simple.
But while he's waiting to go to Korea, he's going hitch-hiking and backpacking around Europe. On his own. And again, that is something I really admire about R. That he's fearless and just goes ahead and does these things. Sometimes he feels much wiser and more worldly than I am and I feel embarassed, because he's only one year older than me. And surely that one year doesn't make THAT big of a difference, does it?
R is an old soul. That's the only way I can think to describe him.
Anyway. He asked if I'd like to go along with him, and you know what? I would, very much. I would love to drop everything and get a bag of stuff and just leave. To see the world (Europe at least) and not from a tourist-in-a-hotel perspective. It's so much more REAL to do the backpacking trip instead of spending several thousand on booking a hotel and first-class flights. It's something I would love very much to do.
But I can't. I have so many other things holding me back, strings tied around me and anchoring me here. To my home and to my job. Things I can't just drop, not without a lot of planning in advance. I'd like to think that if I didn't have so many obligations and things I need to do in the next six months, I'd just go. But the truth is, I don't know if I would, if I could LET myself. Maybe it's not my life and my plans and obligations, but myself that holds me back.
He's said he might be screwed because if things don't go well he has no home or job to come back to, but I've told him I've got a spare bed he's more than welcome to if he needs somewhere to sleep, he could probably get a temp job back here again. But I have every faith that he'll be just fine, that things will be amazing and he'll have the trip and experiences of a lifetime.
So right now, I guess I'm a little sad. I'm wishing him all the best on his trip and hope he stays in touch. But right now I find myself mourning that little piece inside of me that maybe I never had to begin with. That piece that is ready, able, and willing to embrace freedom and just let go of all the restraints holding it back.
I wonder if I'll ever be able to be that person.
Anyway. He's... I don't want to say a hippie type but it's probably the best way to describe him. He's all dreadlocks and political opinions and reefer. But that isn't all he is. He's very intelligent and very wise beyond his years, even though he's only a year older than I am. I find there are very few people these days that I can actually have a real, meaningful conversation with, and even fewer people that I can be my completely real self around. So many people don't appreciate certain sides of my personality and sometimes, although I still consider myself an individual and don't really care much what people think of me, I find myself editing out the pieces I know people don't appreciate. Like the swearing or the constant sarcasm or the fact that I'm a mean, nihilistic, cynical bitch who has zero faith or respect in humanity, and laughs her ASS off at dead baby jokes.
R gets all of these parts of my personality and I think that's why we get along so well; in many ways, we're pretty similar people.
We met when he came into my team at work as a temp a little over a year or so ago, and I made up some training notes for him and the other new person to use. We didn't talk a GREAT deal at the time, because I was pretty new to the team myself and can be introverted and shy when the mood strikes me, and he's the same way. He told me later that he's the kind of person who wraps up who they really are and doesn't really let himself loose around people he doesn't know. Ironically, it was his last day here, the day before he left to go into a much better job that his immense artistic talent was much more suited for, that those walls broke down. We talked and we joked and it was awesome. We clicked like old friends. And then, of course, he left.
We have kept in touch though, talking on occasion over facebook but more often by chatting on MSN. Our conversations vary between meaningless chatter about our day or a video game, to more deeper, introspective stuff that forces us to really think. And it's nice to have that variety, you know?
But one major difference between R and myself is that he is so much more free, so much more... independent. He sees what he wants and he charges ahead to get it. And I respect him SO much for that, I don't think he realizes.
He's planning on moving to Korea, and just now told me that he'll have to put it off for a while because when you land in Korea they do blood tests, and he said he would be deported as soon as they found traces of cannabis in his system. This in and of itself is a huge deal, and a step I wish I was brave enough to take. He's moving to Korea ON HIS OWN. I could never just take a leap and move to a completely foreign country all alone. Yes, I moved from Canada to England once I turned eighteen, but that is so not the same thing. I had a firm support net here, and moved in with family immediately. My family supported and continue to help support me. If I didn't have them here, I would not have moved, it's that simple.
But while he's waiting to go to Korea, he's going hitch-hiking and backpacking around Europe. On his own. And again, that is something I really admire about R. That he's fearless and just goes ahead and does these things. Sometimes he feels much wiser and more worldly than I am and I feel embarassed, because he's only one year older than me. And surely that one year doesn't make THAT big of a difference, does it?
R is an old soul. That's the only way I can think to describe him.
Anyway. He asked if I'd like to go along with him, and you know what? I would, very much. I would love to drop everything and get a bag of stuff and just leave. To see the world (Europe at least) and not from a tourist-in-a-hotel perspective. It's so much more REAL to do the backpacking trip instead of spending several thousand on booking a hotel and first-class flights. It's something I would love very much to do.
But I can't. I have so many other things holding me back, strings tied around me and anchoring me here. To my home and to my job. Things I can't just drop, not without a lot of planning in advance. I'd like to think that if I didn't have so many obligations and things I need to do in the next six months, I'd just go. But the truth is, I don't know if I would, if I could LET myself. Maybe it's not my life and my plans and obligations, but myself that holds me back.
He's said he might be screwed because if things don't go well he has no home or job to come back to, but I've told him I've got a spare bed he's more than welcome to if he needs somewhere to sleep, he could probably get a temp job back here again. But I have every faith that he'll be just fine, that things will be amazing and he'll have the trip and experiences of a lifetime.
So right now, I guess I'm a little sad. I'm wishing him all the best on his trip and hope he stays in touch. But right now I find myself mourning that little piece inside of me that maybe I never had to begin with. That piece that is ready, able, and willing to embrace freedom and just let go of all the restraints holding it back.
I wonder if I'll ever be able to be that person.
What the Fuck
Why can't I sleep?
I've had issues with my sleeping patterns for years. Then after my ex left me, I was lucky to sleep an hour a night. It's not that bad now, but I'm feeling so drained and worn out. Last night I went to bed before midnight (and then it took me at least two hours to get to sleep) and woke up no fewer than nine times that I can remember. And each time it took me forever to get back to sleep again.
After The Breakup, my doctor prescribed me a sleeping pill called Zopiclone, told me to try it for a week and see if it helped. It didn't. It made me really fucking tired but didn't help me actually fall asleep - and it definitely didn't make me STAY asleep. I just wound up feeling worse in the morning because on top of the not-sleeping, I was also feeling hungover, which my doctor told me is a side-effect of the medication.
I reported back and she basically told me that if it wasn't working, there was no sense in giving me another sleeping pill and dosing my body up with medication it doesn't need.
I still. Can't. Sleep.
It's driving me crazy. This week for some reason has been particularly bad, and I'm sitting at my desk at work typing this and I could quite easily pass out. Only, if I did pass out it would only be for ten minutes until something woke me up and I couldn't get back to sleep again anyway.
I've had issues with my sleeping patterns for years. Then after my ex left me, I was lucky to sleep an hour a night. It's not that bad now, but I'm feeling so drained and worn out. Last night I went to bed before midnight (and then it took me at least two hours to get to sleep) and woke up no fewer than nine times that I can remember. And each time it took me forever to get back to sleep again.
After The Breakup, my doctor prescribed me a sleeping pill called Zopiclone, told me to try it for a week and see if it helped. It didn't. It made me really fucking tired but didn't help me actually fall asleep - and it definitely didn't make me STAY asleep. I just wound up feeling worse in the morning because on top of the not-sleeping, I was also feeling hungover, which my doctor told me is a side-effect of the medication.
I reported back and she basically told me that if it wasn't working, there was no sense in giving me another sleeping pill and dosing my body up with medication it doesn't need.
I still. Can't. Sleep.
It's driving me crazy. This week for some reason has been particularly bad, and I'm sitting at my desk at work typing this and I could quite easily pass out. Only, if I did pass out it would only be for ten minutes until something woke me up and I couldn't get back to sleep again anyway.
Thursday, 7 May 2009
Commence Operation: Door Slam
I'm a bitchy vindictive cunt but I do not care.
I came home, had a sandwich because my head was banging, and decided to go to bed for a nap to try to sleep it off.
Twenty minutes later I'm woken up when J comes up to use the bathroom. And BANGS the door. Our doors are such that, unless you turn the handle when you close them they bang and the metal clicks very loudly into place. When I first moved in, I did not realize that, and my aunts actually told me off and said "do you know how to TURN A HANDLE?" and since I realized hey, these doorknobs are fucking retarded, I have made every conscious effort to do so.
I'm always very careful and quiet when other people are asleep because I know how much it fucks me off when people wake me up for no good reason.
But nearly every single night, J bangs and clicks and talks loudly because SHE DOES NOT POSSESS AN INSIDE VOICE. Which is one of the reasons I sleep with earplugs (A: because certain people can not talk quieter than a shout and tend to do so very late when other people are trying to sleep and B: THE SNORING OH MY GOD).
It pisses me off all the time, but today REALLY got to me. Because here I am in bed, sick, with a fucking migraine shooting through the right side of my head, and BANGBANGCLICK! Two minutes later as she goes back downstairs BANGBANGCLICK! And I know damn well that if the situations were reversed she would have torn me a new one.
For. Fuck. Sakes.
So, Operation: Door Slam.
Myaunts leave Saturday morning so it probably doesn't matter, but J is off work tomorrow and as such does not have to get up at 7am like we usually do and I am REFUSING TO TURN A DOOR HANDLE for the next 24 hours. I could be a man about it and just say "so dude, do our "house rules" only apply to me or something?" but instead I want to piss her off so I can say "EXACTLY THANK YOU NOW FUCKING STOP IT"
...because I am a bitchy vindictive cunt. And also because I fucking feel like ruining someone's day now because mine has been thoroughly ruined.
I came home, had a sandwich because my head was banging, and decided to go to bed for a nap to try to sleep it off.
Twenty minutes later I'm woken up when J comes up to use the bathroom. And BANGS the door. Our doors are such that, unless you turn the handle when you close them they bang and the metal clicks very loudly into place. When I first moved in, I did not realize that, and my aunts actually told me off and said "do you know how to TURN A HANDLE?" and since I realized hey, these doorknobs are fucking retarded, I have made every conscious effort to do so.
I'm always very careful and quiet when other people are asleep because I know how much it fucks me off when people wake me up for no good reason.
But nearly every single night, J bangs and clicks and talks loudly because SHE DOES NOT POSSESS AN INSIDE VOICE. Which is one of the reasons I sleep with earplugs (A: because certain people can not talk quieter than a shout and tend to do so very late when other people are trying to sleep and B: THE SNORING OH MY GOD).
It pisses me off all the time, but today REALLY got to me. Because here I am in bed, sick, with a fucking migraine shooting through the right side of my head, and BANGBANGCLICK! Two minutes later as she goes back downstairs BANGBANGCLICK! And I know damn well that if the situations were reversed she would have torn me a new one.
For. Fuck. Sakes.
So, Operation: Door Slam.
Myaunts leave Saturday morning so it probably doesn't matter, but J is off work tomorrow and as such does not have to get up at 7am like we usually do and I am REFUSING TO TURN A DOOR HANDLE for the next 24 hours. I could be a man about it and just say "so dude, do our "house rules" only apply to me or something?" but instead I want to piss her off so I can say "EXACTLY THANK YOU NOW FUCKING STOP IT"
...because I am a bitchy vindictive cunt. And also because I fucking feel like ruining someone's day now because mine has been thoroughly ruined.
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