Update, Drama, Depression, and Plans

Quick update.

I’m hoping to get back into the swing of my daily or more-than-five-times-a-day updates. My internet at home isn’t entirely sorted out but it seems to be working better on my desktop now than it has been on my laptop. This is what I get for getting a Dell, if it keeps it up I’m going to have to complain =/ Sigh.

Anyway. I haven’t been doing fabulous but I haven’t been doing shit either. I’ve been maintaining – which, let’s be honest, is not really good enough is it?

We’ve been having a notgreat time lately and I’ve been stress eating. Even while I recognize the fact that I’m doing it, it’s been hard to stop. Luckily, it hasn’t been to bingey proportions, so my weight is stable, even though I’m still pretty close to where I was when I came back from Canada. I’m going to TRY to just do a weekly weigh in to help calm my stress levels (we all know how those levels jump sky high once you see a higher number on the scale) and seeing weekly decreases might be more motivating than the ups-and-downs that occur from day to day. We’ll see.

So.. yeah. There’s been drama back in Canada, although not to the extent that it usually is. Drama here has been insane. My aunt went back to work a couple of weeks ago, following her surgery recovery time off. I’m sure I’ve written before about this, but for those who don’t know, my aunt suffers from very severe depression, and her psychologist thinks she’s bipolar as well. Because of the way the NHS works with mental illnesses over here though, means that because she was diagnosed and treated as Borderline Personality Disorder back when she was in her teens in Canada, the doctors here have latched onto that label and are basically turning a blind eye to anything else. So instead of being treated specifically for bipolar disorder, they’re still acting under the assumption she’s Borderline, which may not actually be the case.

She was going through a better period after her surgery, she was all around acting happier and seemed to be on the rise. However, after going back to work her mood has plummeted. There have been some major changes in the structure of the area she works in (she’s a manager in a unit that is home to adults with learning disabilities, and works for the NHS/City Council), and since she went back to work it’s been non-stop stress. Although she was told that they wanted her to go back to work on a phased return (which means starting work at only 4 hours or less per day and working back up to full time), they immediately threw her in and she’s been working an hour or so extra every day. In fact her first day back she got a text saying one of her staff members wanted to talk to her and she had to stay for half an hour to listen to this staff member bitch at her. Nice way to say welcome back no?

So she’s been going downhill and hasn’t been dealing great. Then about a week and a half ago, we found out my grandparents (her parents, obviously) were fighting. It was a huge exorbitant battle in which both parties were threatening to leave, and both parties were constantly calling my aunt to bitch about the other. And then the fight stopped being about what their actual issues were, and became about my aunt. My granny dragged my aunt into things and that just set her off worse. I haven’t seen my aunt cry in a LONG time, but my grandmother made her.

Then the icing on the cake was this past Sunday, when my great-aunt (the one who has uncurable blood cancer) held her little family get together. Both of my grandparents were there and acting as if nothing had happened. My aunt and I spoke to my grandfather and he said granny’s been acting absolutely fine with him again now and the whole thing had blown over. My grandmother is of the belief that she is the warm, happy centre of the universe. So, because she’d let it go, everyone else must as well and be happy happy happy again. My aunt, however, is pissed off at the way granny behaved with her and dragged her into their battles when she had more than enough of her own shit going on. But of course, my grandmother never ever thinks to apologise to somebody else, so there’s still tension there.

And of course it was fucking depressing being there on Sunday and seeing my great-aunt and how she’s gone downhill. I have no idea how long she’s got left, except that she’s still having blood transfusions and the doctors had said she should be gone within six months of them stopping. When they stop, I have no clue.

I’ve been depressed as well, but I’ve been hiding it well. For the first time since I moved here I’ve been questioning whether I made the right decision. My trip to Canada was fabulous and a lot more awesome than I was expecting it to be, and I didn’t want to come home yet. I wasn’t sure I wanted to come home at all. And now that I’m here, it’s just the same old crap day and day out. But I know that if I’d stayed in Canada, I’d be tearing my hair out after an extra week or two, and that living here IS for the best. It just strongly affected me hanging out with my best girlfriend and my best guyfriend and his family. I didn’t want it to end. But right now, I couldn’t live there, not when it means having to deal with all the bullshit and drama constantly going on with my immediate family. I just could not do it. I am, however, going to make a more conscious effort to go out there once a year to see everyone and keep my ties strong.

Life isn’t all bad. I complain about work a lot but I realize I should be thankful. They pay me decently and for the most part my job is easy. But there are times when it’s super busy or I get something really complicated and shitty that I have to sort out, that I hate it. But at least I’ve got a job and I don’t have to work in fast food for minimum wage, right?

I don’t know. I’m trying very hard to see the positive side of things right now, although I readily admit that I often fail at this. Deep down, I’m just not a very optimistic and positive person.

This quick update turned into quite a ramble hm?

Anyway. The plan for this week is as follows:

Eat as little as possible.

That’s it, haha.

Today I’m skipping lunch and having something not too calorific for dinner. Tomorrow no lunch again and we’re going to the cinema tomorrow night so I can probably get away with a small bag of popcorn and nothing else (the last time I had just a little popcorn to eat I dropped a pound and a half, but it was probably a fluke). Saturday I’m going out with S for lunch and a catch up. We’re supposed to be going to an Italian restaurant which probably means pasta, but I’ll go for something with seafood or veggies and not finish it. And then of course, nothing at night at home. Sunday I’m planning on doing as little as possible, just sleeping in and hanging out (I’ve been busy every weekend since I got back from Canada so it’ll be nice to have some downtime) and will keep the calories low. I’m not sure yet whether we’re supposed to be having a family dinner on Sunday, but since it’s the weekend before payday I’m assuming not. I’ve still got some 220-cal meals in the freezer, so it should all be good.

Whoo. Back to business babes.

I missed you!

Bleh

I'm a bit all over the place right now, which is why I haven't commented back to most comments yet, and for that I apologise. I will get around to it tonight, I promise. I always feel like such a flake when I don't reply back right away. Which is another reason why I'm going to stick to replying to comments within my/your comments instead of doing comment posts... because I tend to post more than once a day and don't comment back every day (like I should) it gets a little mixed up and convoluted... So, comments will remain in-comments.

I will reply to every one (eventually) so if I haven't commented on your blog, it'll be in my own comments <3

Anyway, as to my "all over the place". It's so weird, but I feel like I'm constantly on the verge of a panic attack and a manic episode at the same time. I don't know how to explain it, but it feels like I'm ready to burst out of myself, like my inside is thrumming and giddy and trembling with anticipation. Anticipation for what, I have no idea, since nearly everything is shit-tastic right now.

I feel excited and ridiculously depressed at the same time. And I realize that makes no sense but I don't know how else to explain it. I feel like I'm going to burst out into a hysterical giggling fit at any given moment, yet at the same time I still feel like I'm on the verge of a panic attack. I feel like I'm going crazy.

How is it possible to be pissed off and depressed, and yet still be in a quazi-good mood? Once again, my own physiology confuses me. I bet I'd be a prize subject for science to study.

Bleh, I don't even know where I'm going with this.

I just feel like there's so much in my life that is a mess and that I need to work on and improve, but I don't know where to start and I'm not even sure I have the motivation to do it. Take, for example, my impending trip back over the Atlantic.

On the one hand, I'm looking forward to visiting Canada. Mostly, I'm looking forward to shopping at Sephora and getting some REAL cowboy boots (which, by my research, will cost between $150-200, by the way), and seeing a couple of friends and my mom and brother and sister and nephew. I'm looking forward to having some time off work.

But I'm not looking forward to seeing friends at the same time. Because I'm huge. The last time I went to Canada was just over three years ago, and I was about 10lbs lighter than I am now. The past couple of months my weight has exploded and I'm struggling to get it back under control. My two-week personal challenge started off great, dropping 1.4lbs in the first 24 hours. But then on the weekend, I didn't lose at all, and last night I managed to GAIN half a pound back, due to snacking on ritz crackers and peanut butter.

I fail. At everything.

Because the worst part is that I'm looking forward to Canadian food, like poutine and my mom's beef dip. I know I'm going to have to restrict and be very careful if I want to NOT gain anything while I'm there, but it's going to be so hard not to binge. Luckily I'm bringing my laptop with me and will be able to check in every day, and having to post stats here will be more likely to keep me under control.

That, and the fact that money I don't spend on eating out can be spent on that MUFE HD Foundation I want so badly instead, and a new pair of leather, four-inch block-heeled rubber(ish?) soled boots!

Which brings me to an aside, in that a lot of England's footwear sucks. Don't get me wrong, Schuh sells some amazing stilettos and hooker-heels and skater-shoes and Rocket Dog flats. But boots. I love me some heeled leather boots. When I lived in Canada I had a nice pair that had a block-heel with rubber soles that had a decent level of gripping in there, and were perfect for trudging through the snow and stopping my clumsy ass from breaking my face on the ice all over the place in the winter. But when I finally had to get rid of them, I was never able to find a decent substitute. The only decent pair of boots I have right now are some leather Hush Puppies with a heel, but they are in no way suitable for wear during winter and in ice.

So anyway. I need to not eat so that I can instead shop. Which is true for my day-to-day life also, to be fair.

Also, I'm in a kind of antisocial period right now. I don't know why but I've been slacking on my email and IM correspondence with friends back home, and little things are really getting under my skin. I can only assume it's because I'm depressed at my physical situation, and the fact that I have NO MONEY WHATSOEVER now that I've paid my trip to Cancun on my credit card. Oh GOD, I really, really, need to lose all this lard before I go to Mexico..

It's weird, after writing all of this I feel a little bit more placcid. I still feel that shakiness inside but it's not AS bad. I feel more like... I CAN get control of myself.

Which brings me to today's plan.

Two 10-calorie soups.

That is it. It's 11:45 in the morning right now, and around 1 I think I'll go get some hot water for the first one. Second one when I get home.

And. AND. Tomorrow I am planning a fast-day =] My aunts will be at their "Fat Club" when I get home, and shouldn't be home until around 8, at which point I can hop in the shower and spend the rest of the night taming my wild tresses and go straight to bed. I haven't done a fast day in SO long, so tomorrow will be it!

Fingers crossed these two days will get my weight-loss jumpstarted again.

Also, I really need to start working out. I've been so lazy lately, but I still haven't been sleeping so it's been hard to find any energy reserves at all to do anything.

Thanks for listening darlings. I love you all!

<3

Dream of Freedom

I've just been chatting over MSN to a friend of mine, who we shall call R. Because it is his first initial and I'm pretty sure we don't have an R in our story yet =]

Anyway. He's... I don't want to say a hippie type but it's probably the best way to describe him. He's all dreadlocks and political opinions and reefer. But that isn't all he is. He's very intelligent and very wise beyond his years, even though he's only a year older than I am. I find there are very few people these days that I can actually have a real, meaningful conversation with, and even fewer people that I can be my completely real self around. So many people don't appreciate certain sides of my personality and sometimes, although I still consider myself an individual and don't really care much what people think of me, I find myself editing out the pieces I know people don't appreciate. Like the swearing or the constant sarcasm or the fact that I'm a mean, nihilistic, cynical bitch who has zero faith or respect in humanity, and laughs her ASS off at dead baby jokes.

R gets all of these parts of my personality and I think that's why we get along so well; in many ways, we're pretty similar people.

We met when he came into my team at work as a temp a little over a year or so ago, and I made up some training notes for him and the other new person to use. We didn't talk a GREAT deal at the time, because I was pretty new to the team myself and can be introverted and shy when the mood strikes me, and he's the same way. He told me later that he's the kind of person who wraps up who they really are and doesn't really let himself loose around people he doesn't know. Ironically, it was his last day here, the day before he left to go into a much better job that his immense artistic talent was much more suited for, that those walls broke down. We talked and we joked and it was awesome. We clicked like old friends. And then, of course, he left.

We have kept in touch though, talking on occasion over facebook but more often by chatting on MSN. Our conversations vary between meaningless chatter about our day or a video game, to more deeper, introspective stuff that forces us to really think. And it's nice to have that variety, you know?

But one major difference between R and myself is that he is so much more free, so much more... independent. He sees what he wants and he charges ahead to get it. And I respect him SO much for that, I don't think he realizes.

He's planning on moving to Korea, and just now told me that he'll have to put it off for a while because when you land in Korea they do blood tests, and he said he would be deported as soon as they found traces of cannabis in his system. This in and of itself is a huge deal, and a step I wish I was brave enough to take. He's moving to Korea ON HIS OWN. I could never just take a leap and move to a completely foreign country all alone. Yes, I moved from Canada to England once I turned eighteen, but that is so not the same thing. I had a firm support net here, and moved in with family immediately. My family supported and continue to help support me. If I didn't have them here, I would not have moved, it's that simple.

But while he's waiting to go to Korea, he's going hitch-hiking and backpacking around Europe. On his own. And again, that is something I really admire about R. That he's fearless and just goes ahead and does these things. Sometimes he feels much wiser and more worldly than I am and I feel embarassed, because he's only one year older than me. And surely that one year doesn't make THAT big of a difference, does it?

R is an old soul. That's the only way I can think to describe him.

Anyway. He asked if I'd like to go along with him, and you know what? I would, very much. I would love to drop everything and get a bag of stuff and just leave. To see the world (Europe at least) and not from a tourist-in-a-hotel perspective. It's so much more REAL to do the backpacking trip instead of spending several thousand on booking a hotel and first-class flights. It's something I would love very much to do.

But I can't. I have so many other things holding me back, strings tied around me and anchoring me here. To my home and to my job. Things I can't just drop, not without a lot of planning in advance. I'd like to think that if I didn't have so many obligations and things I need to do in the next six months, I'd just go. But the truth is, I don't know if I would, if I could LET myself. Maybe it's not my life and my plans and obligations, but myself that holds me back.

He's said he might be screwed because if things don't go well he has no home or job to come back to, but I've told him I've got a spare bed he's more than welcome to if he needs somewhere to sleep, he could probably get a temp job back here again. But I have every faith that he'll be just fine, that things will be amazing and he'll have the trip and experiences of a lifetime.

So right now, I guess I'm a little sad. I'm wishing him all the best on his trip and hope he stays in touch. But right now I find myself mourning that little piece inside of me that maybe I never had to begin with. That piece that is ready, able, and willing to embrace freedom and just let go of all the restraints holding it back.

I wonder if I'll ever be able to be that person.

The Good, The Bad, and the Downright Fucking Ugly

The Good: I lost today!

The Bad: It was only 0.4lbs =/

The Downright Fucking Ugly: Me. My huge ass, my thighs, my huge stomach, my flabby EVERYTHING. Ugh.

So, the smoothies really fucked me up. The Braised Lettuce I had last night was really really good and low-calorie, so I can't blame it on that. I didn't think the smoothies would be so bad until I thought to myself that the smoothies are pure fruit. So it's like gorging on a huge fruit bowl, but without being full halfway through because it's so condensed. I am not happy with myself.

Yes, I know that a loss is a loss and that I should be happy. Instead, I'm pissed off with myself. I don't feel like I've earned the sushi that I bought for today, I don't deserve it. But I'm going to have some of it anyway because it's dated today and I can not afford to waste money right now - I spent £4. Which may not sound like much, but that's nearly half of what it costs me to get to work in a week. That money could have bought me half a pan eyeshadow from MAC instead. Or paid toward my taxi fare when I meet up with a friend in a couple of weeks for dinner and drinks for my birthday. Sigh.

So yeah, my euphoria is long gone. Today is Sushi. Maybe braised lettuce at home but I'm not banking on it. Tomorrow is going to be a fast day, and I'm going to do my saltwater flush when I get home from work.

Oh, and apparently with this whole Swine Flu pandemic apparently it's kinda rife in Mexico and people aren't supposed to go there. People at work just now were telling me "it should be okay by December when you go, but if not it'll probably be cancelled."

I better damn well get my fucking money back if it is. I've already paid a £170 deposit, and the total balance of £1,300 needs to be paid by September. If shit isn't sorted out, I want my money back. I'll spend it in Canada instead. Grr.

That's all for now, I'll write more later.

Vee xox