I need to learn to leave well enough alone.
I just messaged my father back on Facebook.
In case you're not sure what the hell I'm on about, I haven't seen or spoken to my father since I was 6 years old, when he told my mother he didn't want anything to do with me. Then out of the blue, he sent me a message back in November just saying "Hi. I just joined today and there you are." and nothing else. After much deliberation over how to react – should I reply? Should I ignore him? Should I tell him to fuck off? – I sent a completely neutral message back, just saying “I have to say, I’m surprised to hear from you.”
Neutral. I was giving him the benefit of the doubt, letting him say whatever it is he wants to say, yet holding my own cards to my chest and not reacting either positively or negatively.
He didn’t reply. Which pissed me off but whatever.
For some reason, today I was fucked off more than usual. So, I opened up the old message, and replied to it with the following:
“Wow, I'm so glad you contacted me for this most fulfilling conversation.
If you have something to say to me, then just man up and say it. Otherwise, leave me alone.
Next time you get the urge to waste my time - say, in another 18 years or so? - do us both a favour and don't bother.
I can't believe I actually thought maybe you had some kind of interest, but hey I guess that's my bad. I accepted a hell of a long time ago that I'll never have a father, that the word "dad" might as well be a word from a foreign language that I'll never use, so feel free to go back to pretending you don't have a daughter.
-[my real name]”
I wasn’t expecting anything back, but immediately he sent a new message as response. What did it say?
“You are right”
That is it. You are right. I know I’m fucking right.
So rather than just leaving things as they are, I have to go and open that can of worms even further by demanding to know “So, what do you want from me? Why bother messaging me in the first place?”
The truth is, I don’t know if I even care. I’m so out of touch with my own emotions, I don’t even know what I’m feeling right now. To me, it feels like nothing. But any normal person would be feeling something. Wonder. Trepidation. Anger. Upset. But all I feel is a mixture of nothing, and being fucked off at being fobbed off. I’m not anxious as to what his answer might be. I don’t know if I’m even curious, I’m just pissed off at his non response.
He hasn’t replied yet, and I’m kind of hoping he doesn’t. I don’t need another asshole loser non-father in my life. I have more than my share in my mother’s husband. I wish I hadn’t bothered answering him to begin with.
It was like trying to punch someone in the face for being a jerk, but then slipping on the backswing and banging your own head against the ground.
Showing posts with label annoyance. Show all posts
Showing posts with label annoyance. Show all posts
Wednesday, 17 March 2010
Friday, 1 January 2010
Work Rant
Woot!
Ok before I get into the New Year shebang, I owe you all, yet another, work rant.
Basically, what happened is that I got metaphorically shat upon. If you've been following my blog recently you'll know that I was recently moved from a pension admin team to a pension helpdesk (read: call centre), and that it is so shit that my mood has plummetted something obscene.
The week between Christmas and New Year is notoriously slow for our company. Since we deal primarily with scheme administrators, employers and financial advisers and other finance companies/pension providers, there's always less work coming in, since most of those people tend to take the week off. Hell, I would be too if I had the holiday allowance left.
So, on Tuesday when I came in, my manager mentioned that, if it was really dead, they'd probably let people go home early. Which I was all for, since my sleep patterns have been even more fucked than usual (Monday night I got to sleep at 5 and my alarm went off at 7). So, come about 1:30, one of the other managers (the area I work in is a huge team divided into 4 subteams, all doing the same work but with different managers) came over to say that they're letting a few people go home early. One person from each subteam. So, my manger asks "So who wants to be the first one to go home?" and I put my hand up but so did everyone else.
Except for one dude, who said he "wasn't bothered about going home early" and didn't mind staying until the normal closing time. To be fair, my manager decided to draw a name randomly, like a fun raffle. And in the end, dude who didn't mind staying got to go home early. Sigh.
Then an hour later, it was time for the second person in teach team to go. Except, instead of drawing names and making it fair and random, my manager just stood up, got his stuff and said "Right ok, I'm off, see you tomorrow!"
What the shit.
So, me and two others had to stay until our usual finishing time.
Then Wednesday was more of the same. One of the other two guys who had to stay to our usual time were in, along with the two who went home early the day before, and one other guy who was off on Tuesday. So I figured, to make it fair, the two of us that had to stay the night before should be the two to go if they decided to let people go early.
At 2, because it was really quiet and there weren't enough calls coming in to keep everyone sufficiently busy, they decided to do it again. Instead of doing it randomly, my manager let the other guy who'd stayed the night before, go early. Since he stayed an hour later than me (the shift I work is usually 8:30 - 4, wheras this other dude always works until 5 instead and takes a longer lunch) he should get to go home early. Which I understood, but if our manager had let me go at 2 and other dude go at 3 then we'd both be in an equal boat and leaving exactly 2 hours early.
But, whatever. So he went. And then come 3, my manager came over and I thought, awesome I get to go home! But no. The dude who hadn't been in on Tuesday "wasn't feeling very well" so he got to go at 3 and I got to stay until my usual time.
I mean, I know I'm whining about the sake of one hour, but it was the fact that, if he was sick he should have gone home / not come in regardless of whether the company was letting people go home early. If he was that bad he shouldn't have come into the office to begin with. (paired with the fact that, when asked "What's up with him?" by another of my coworkers, my manager didn't say he was sick at all, just said "Oh he's just feeling old." Right.)
What annoyed me was the fact that, of everyone in our team who worked both Tuesday and Wednesday, I was the only one who didn't get to go home early.
Yesterday I *did* get to go home two hours early though so I'm slightly less irritated about it now. I came in at 8:30 and between then and 10:45 when I was told to go home, I only took two calls, it was SO boring. Of course, this wasn't just because I was the only one who'd had to work "late" the previous two days, everyone else in the team had the option to go at the same time but chose not to because they'd already made plans to meet friends when the office closed at 1.
In the end I was really glad they let me go home early because I needed it. Even though I left at 10:45, I didn't get home until nearly 12:30, and since I'd had like two hours of sleep that night I wanted to try to get a nap in before I started getting ready to go out.
Annyway, that was just my obligatory rantpost (I mean, what would my blog BE without rambling rantings right?), I'm going to do a separate post for New Year's Things =]
Ok before I get into the New Year shebang, I owe you all, yet another, work rant.
Basically, what happened is that I got metaphorically shat upon. If you've been following my blog recently you'll know that I was recently moved from a pension admin team to a pension helpdesk (read: call centre), and that it is so shit that my mood has plummetted something obscene.
The week between Christmas and New Year is notoriously slow for our company. Since we deal primarily with scheme administrators, employers and financial advisers and other finance companies/pension providers, there's always less work coming in, since most of those people tend to take the week off. Hell, I would be too if I had the holiday allowance left.
So, on Tuesday when I came in, my manager mentioned that, if it was really dead, they'd probably let people go home early. Which I was all for, since my sleep patterns have been even more fucked than usual (Monday night I got to sleep at 5 and my alarm went off at 7). So, come about 1:30, one of the other managers (the area I work in is a huge team divided into 4 subteams, all doing the same work but with different managers) came over to say that they're letting a few people go home early. One person from each subteam. So, my manger asks "So who wants to be the first one to go home?" and I put my hand up but so did everyone else.
Except for one dude, who said he "wasn't bothered about going home early" and didn't mind staying until the normal closing time. To be fair, my manager decided to draw a name randomly, like a fun raffle. And in the end, dude who didn't mind staying got to go home early. Sigh.
Then an hour later, it was time for the second person in teach team to go. Except, instead of drawing names and making it fair and random, my manager just stood up, got his stuff and said "Right ok, I'm off, see you tomorrow!"
What the shit.
So, me and two others had to stay until our usual finishing time.
Then Wednesday was more of the same. One of the other two guys who had to stay to our usual time were in, along with the two who went home early the day before, and one other guy who was off on Tuesday. So I figured, to make it fair, the two of us that had to stay the night before should be the two to go if they decided to let people go early.
At 2, because it was really quiet and there weren't enough calls coming in to keep everyone sufficiently busy, they decided to do it again. Instead of doing it randomly, my manager let the other guy who'd stayed the night before, go early. Since he stayed an hour later than me (the shift I work is usually 8:30 - 4, wheras this other dude always works until 5 instead and takes a longer lunch) he should get to go home early. Which I understood, but if our manager had let me go at 2 and other dude go at 3 then we'd both be in an equal boat and leaving exactly 2 hours early.
But, whatever. So he went. And then come 3, my manager came over and I thought, awesome I get to go home! But no. The dude who hadn't been in on Tuesday "wasn't feeling very well" so he got to go at 3 and I got to stay until my usual time.
I mean, I know I'm whining about the sake of one hour, but it was the fact that, if he was sick he should have gone home / not come in regardless of whether the company was letting people go home early. If he was that bad he shouldn't have come into the office to begin with. (paired with the fact that, when asked "What's up with him?" by another of my coworkers, my manager didn't say he was sick at all, just said "Oh he's just feeling old." Right.)
What annoyed me was the fact that, of everyone in our team who worked both Tuesday and Wednesday, I was the only one who didn't get to go home early.
Yesterday I *did* get to go home two hours early though so I'm slightly less irritated about it now. I came in at 8:30 and between then and 10:45 when I was told to go home, I only took two calls, it was SO boring. Of course, this wasn't just because I was the only one who'd had to work "late" the previous two days, everyone else in the team had the option to go at the same time but chose not to because they'd already made plans to meet friends when the office closed at 1.
In the end I was really glad they let me go home early because I needed it. Even though I left at 10:45, I didn't get home until nearly 12:30, and since I'd had like two hours of sleep that night I wanted to try to get a nap in before I started getting ready to go out.
Annyway, that was just my obligatory rantpost (I mean, what would my blog BE without rambling rantings right?), I'm going to do a separate post for New Year's Things =]
Friday, 21 August 2009
That's more like it!
I've been super good tonight. I was tempted at one point but I trudged ahead and had nothing, so the two nibbles at work is all I ate today at all!
And my aunt wasn't on food nazi mode tonight. Instead they were on "bitch about me behind my back when they think I can't hear them" mode. Yeah. It pisses me off because the shit they were bitching about was wrong too.
I heard my aunt downstairs say "whose dishes are those?" and I remembered that my two plates from last night I put in the sink in the water with some of their dishes, went upstairs to do something, and forgot to go back downstairs to wash them. So yeah, that was my bad. Excepy, J turns about and says "They're ALL Vee's from last night." which is bullshit. Bull. Shit. Then I hear my aunt claim that she did dishes already last night and today and why is there my stuff just sitting in the sink. Then I hear them bitching that if "people" are going to eat upstairs the dishes must come down right after, and not be left in there.
Fine. BUT I DID NOT LEAVE MY SHIT UPSTAIRS and it's completely bullshit that my aunt claims to have done dishes today when the large plate and small plate I put in the sink LAST NIGHT are there now?
Then she started bitching because she "wouldn't mind if there was something of HERS there but why should she do it when it's not hers?" and I was thinking dude, what the fuck. I do her dishes all the fucking time. The other night when I decided to have pasta for dinner and The Migraine started, I had to come in, wash dishes and put them away, and even throw out rotting banana skins on the counter next to the stove. So why the fuck is it okay one way but not another?
I'm getting so sick of the god damn double standards here. When I get back from my holidays and pay them off I need to start saving to get the fuck out.
So that all left me feeling pissed off. I was up in my room laying down because I was still in agony and felt sick, and I didn't want to go downstairs to call them on their BS because I don't like confrontation. But I wanted to cry. And it's not the first time (I've mentioned in here before how they both were talking about having to cook group meals, and at the time they were bitching about other stuff, and how they were allocating me certain days in which I can do my laundry instead of hey, I can do it when I need to et al.)
But I'm trying to be positive. I just went for a shower and before I got in I weighed myself, and it read an even 204lbs. Which is MUCH more like the 206 that was on there this morning what the hell.
Of course it probably helps that I've had maybe 200 calories today. But, that's good becase hopefully I'll be down at least a little bit more before I have to go for sushi tomorrow. =]
And my aunt wasn't on food nazi mode tonight. Instead they were on "bitch about me behind my back when they think I can't hear them" mode. Yeah. It pisses me off because the shit they were bitching about was wrong too.
I heard my aunt downstairs say "whose dishes are those?" and I remembered that my two plates from last night I put in the sink in the water with some of their dishes, went upstairs to do something, and forgot to go back downstairs to wash them. So yeah, that was my bad. Excepy, J turns about and says "They're ALL Vee's from last night." which is bullshit. Bull. Shit. Then I hear my aunt claim that she did dishes already last night and today and why is there my stuff just sitting in the sink. Then I hear them bitching that if "people" are going to eat upstairs the dishes must come down right after, and not be left in there.
Fine. BUT I DID NOT LEAVE MY SHIT UPSTAIRS and it's completely bullshit that my aunt claims to have done dishes today when the large plate and small plate I put in the sink LAST NIGHT are there now?
Then she started bitching because she "wouldn't mind if there was something of HERS there but why should she do it when it's not hers?" and I was thinking dude, what the fuck. I do her dishes all the fucking time. The other night when I decided to have pasta for dinner and The Migraine started, I had to come in, wash dishes and put them away, and even throw out rotting banana skins on the counter next to the stove. So why the fuck is it okay one way but not another?
I'm getting so sick of the god damn double standards here. When I get back from my holidays and pay them off I need to start saving to get the fuck out.
So that all left me feeling pissed off. I was up in my room laying down because I was still in agony and felt sick, and I didn't want to go downstairs to call them on their BS because I don't like confrontation. But I wanted to cry. And it's not the first time (I've mentioned in here before how they both were talking about having to cook group meals, and at the time they were bitching about other stuff, and how they were allocating me certain days in which I can do my laundry instead of hey, I can do it when I need to et al.)
But I'm trying to be positive. I just went for a shower and before I got in I weighed myself, and it read an even 204lbs. Which is MUCH more like the 206 that was on there this morning what the hell.
Of course it probably helps that I've had maybe 200 calories today. But, that's good becase hopefully I'll be down at least a little bit more before I have to go for sushi tomorrow. =]
Monday, 3 August 2009
Ugh
Full post to come later because I need to fit a nap in before I go back to visit my aunt at the hospital in a few hours (after waiting five hours for her to go into surgery at noon today >.<)
But I just want to say right here and now that today started off shitalicious because BEING WOKEN UP TO BEING PISSED OFF IMMEDIATELY IS NOT THE WAY TO START THE DAY. I could have drowned J in the toilet bowl this morning.
But I just want to say right here and now that today started off shitalicious because BEING WOKEN UP TO BEING PISSED OFF IMMEDIATELY IS NOT THE WAY TO START THE DAY. I could have drowned J in the toilet bowl this morning.
Friday, 31 July 2009
Been better, been worse
So!
Met my aunts at the vet after work (they had taken one of their cats for a checkup and, as they were expecting, the vet put her on a diet because she's rather largeish) as it's on my bus route and they were there when I passed. Long story short, decided to have a little Chinese food. Because this week went so well I didn't feel too bad about it, so I got some sweet and sour pork and took off most of the sauce. Didn't overdo it, but... felt really sick afterward. I dunno if it was a psychological reaction or if there was something off with it. But I felt really horrible - except I physically couldn't be sick even though I was ridiculously nauseous at the same time.
So, I decided to have a bath to relax a little (throughout the day I've developed a medium-bad headache and my neck is fucking stiff and hurting too). Wound up dozing off in there, and then dreaming I was going down a big flight of stairs but tripped on the way down and FLAILED. Haha I hate that, when you're asleep and then dream you fall or something and your entire body jolts. I splashed water over the edge of the tub and I'm surprised my aunt didn't start banging on the door asking if I'd drowned myself. So I hurried up to get out of the bath, the nausea wasn't goin away and now I was just tired from the hot water. Got out, wrapped myself and hair in towels, and then went to rinse the tub out to get rid of soap residue and shit.
Leaning over the tub with the shower head in hand I started feeling really faint and horrible and yucky and honestly thought I was going to pass out and bash my head on the counter or something. So I quickly relocated to my room where I downed a tall glass of cold coke zero to try to regulate my temperature a little, and flopped on my bed while I waited for the world to stop spinning. The awkward angle from my wet hair in the towel was making my neck hurt more though so after about 20 minutes I got up to start drying it.
So, I was okay about the slightly higher intake until that. I'm not feeling so bad now thank god, head and neck are still hurting and I feel a bit nauseous but not a huge deal. Now, I'm thinking maybe it was a gut reaction to OMGFOODWHATTHEFUCK, which has made me more determined to watch myself tomorrow night, because I do not want this to happen again, it's not worth it. I dunno if it WAS that though, because I didn't really binge. I dunno, we'll see.
I feel like I should feel guiltier about the pork than I do. I guess I rationalized it by saying this was a really good week, plus it's something I usually goooorge myself on and I didn't so I'm feeling proud about that =]
Tomorrow night... We're not meeting until 7, having drinks and then eating at 7:30 so I've got a whole day to burn off calories. I reorganized my room yesterday afternoon so I think tomorrow I might spend some quality time with my treadmill to get a head start too, so the weekend's damage is even less =]
I did have a rather telling conversation with my aunt tonight though. It was under the pretense of a sarcastic jokey conversation but still. It's clear that my aunt is somehow under the impression that her weight loss surgery is ENTIRELY DIFFERENT to starving yourself.
Her: Are you eating that Chinese food??
Me: Yes, yes I am, a little of it anyway.
Her: Okay but don't come crying to me when J and I are nice and slim and you're jealous of our bodies (and yet people will wonder why I have a complex if they ever found out!)
Me: Pff, I haven't done too bad on my diet, so I don't think so.
Her: Yeah but you'll lose it slower.
Me: Well yeah, but at least I'm losing it. I COULD just stop eating entirely and lose as much as you guys do.
Her: Yes but then that's anorexia and that's not healthy.
Me: Dude it's no different from what you're doing. It's just anorexia with surgery to make it stick.
Her: Yes but I'm doing it with the surgery, with vitamins and B12 shots to keep me healthy
Me: Yeah but to be fair I already take a multivitamin (and my Centrum has a hell of a lot more nutrients than her pussy chewable one)
Her: That's not the point though, anorexia weakens your heart and blah blah blah and puts you at risk of a heart attack. If you just stopped eating I'd have you sectioned for being stupid.
Yeah. So she can have elective surgery so starve her body skinny, but if she ever found out I had an eating disorder she would immediately shove me in a psych ward or something. Thanks. This just reinforces why you can never fucking tell anyone. She should be the ONE PERSON who gets it, but she's as closedminded as the rest.
So of course I laughed it off and said how I'd much rather lose weight the safe and right way, thanksverymuch. Sigh.
I dunno, that conversation really annoyed me. It's so fucking hypocritical. To be honest, I knew it and expected it, but while we were having the conversation my mind kept going WHAT! ARE YOU SERIOUS!?
I don't think she's got any idea though, I was pretending to have a stab at her for being "enforced anorexic" and then we got into a conversation about the surgery and stuff, but I can't really remember the rest of it because I was fuming and thinking, dude, I can't wait to go blog about this.
I'm gonna go take some painkillers and lie down a bit now. My stomach has mostly settled down as I've written this, but my head and neck are killlling!
Have a great one folks!
ps: no calories for today. I do know difinitively that I had 70 calories while at work, but I have no idea how much would have been in the chunks of pork I ate tonight so I'm not even going to hazard a guess. I'll just burn extra tomorrow to compensate. =]
Met my aunts at the vet after work (they had taken one of their cats for a checkup and, as they were expecting, the vet put her on a diet because she's rather largeish) as it's on my bus route and they were there when I passed. Long story short, decided to have a little Chinese food. Because this week went so well I didn't feel too bad about it, so I got some sweet and sour pork and took off most of the sauce. Didn't overdo it, but... felt really sick afterward. I dunno if it was a psychological reaction or if there was something off with it. But I felt really horrible - except I physically couldn't be sick even though I was ridiculously nauseous at the same time.
So, I decided to have a bath to relax a little (throughout the day I've developed a medium-bad headache and my neck is fucking stiff and hurting too). Wound up dozing off in there, and then dreaming I was going down a big flight of stairs but tripped on the way down and FLAILED. Haha I hate that, when you're asleep and then dream you fall or something and your entire body jolts. I splashed water over the edge of the tub and I'm surprised my aunt didn't start banging on the door asking if I'd drowned myself. So I hurried up to get out of the bath, the nausea wasn't goin away and now I was just tired from the hot water. Got out, wrapped myself and hair in towels, and then went to rinse the tub out to get rid of soap residue and shit.
Leaning over the tub with the shower head in hand I started feeling really faint and horrible and yucky and honestly thought I was going to pass out and bash my head on the counter or something. So I quickly relocated to my room where I downed a tall glass of cold coke zero to try to regulate my temperature a little, and flopped on my bed while I waited for the world to stop spinning. The awkward angle from my wet hair in the towel was making my neck hurt more though so after about 20 minutes I got up to start drying it.
So, I was okay about the slightly higher intake until that. I'm not feeling so bad now thank god, head and neck are still hurting and I feel a bit nauseous but not a huge deal. Now, I'm thinking maybe it was a gut reaction to OMGFOODWHATTHEFUCK, which has made me more determined to watch myself tomorrow night, because I do not want this to happen again, it's not worth it. I dunno if it WAS that though, because I didn't really binge. I dunno, we'll see.
I feel like I should feel guiltier about the pork than I do. I guess I rationalized it by saying this was a really good week, plus it's something I usually goooorge myself on and I didn't so I'm feeling proud about that =]
Tomorrow night... We're not meeting until 7, having drinks and then eating at 7:30 so I've got a whole day to burn off calories. I reorganized my room yesterday afternoon so I think tomorrow I might spend some quality time with my treadmill to get a head start too, so the weekend's damage is even less =]
I did have a rather telling conversation with my aunt tonight though. It was under the pretense of a sarcastic jokey conversation but still. It's clear that my aunt is somehow under the impression that her weight loss surgery is ENTIRELY DIFFERENT to starving yourself.
Her: Are you eating that Chinese food??
Me: Yes, yes I am, a little of it anyway.
Her: Okay but don't come crying to me when J and I are nice and slim and you're jealous of our bodies (and yet people will wonder why I have a complex if they ever found out!)
Me: Pff, I haven't done too bad on my diet, so I don't think so.
Her: Yeah but you'll lose it slower.
Me: Well yeah, but at least I'm losing it. I COULD just stop eating entirely and lose as much as you guys do.
Her: Yes but then that's anorexia and that's not healthy.
Me: Dude it's no different from what you're doing. It's just anorexia with surgery to make it stick.
Her: Yes but I'm doing it with the surgery, with vitamins and B12 shots to keep me healthy
Me: Yeah but to be fair I already take a multivitamin (and my Centrum has a hell of a lot more nutrients than her pussy chewable one)
Her: That's not the point though, anorexia weakens your heart and blah blah blah and puts you at risk of a heart attack. If you just stopped eating I'd have you sectioned for being stupid.
Yeah. So she can have elective surgery so starve her body skinny, but if she ever found out I had an eating disorder she would immediately shove me in a psych ward or something. Thanks. This just reinforces why you can never fucking tell anyone. She should be the ONE PERSON who gets it, but she's as closedminded as the rest.
So of course I laughed it off and said how I'd much rather lose weight the safe and right way, thanksverymuch. Sigh.
I dunno, that conversation really annoyed me. It's so fucking hypocritical. To be honest, I knew it and expected it, but while we were having the conversation my mind kept going WHAT! ARE YOU SERIOUS!?
I don't think she's got any idea though, I was pretending to have a stab at her for being "enforced anorexic" and then we got into a conversation about the surgery and stuff, but I can't really remember the rest of it because I was fuming and thinking, dude, I can't wait to go blog about this.
I'm gonna go take some painkillers and lie down a bit now. My stomach has mostly settled down as I've written this, but my head and neck are killlling!
Have a great one folks!
ps: no calories for today. I do know difinitively that I had 70 calories while at work, but I have no idea how much would have been in the chunks of pork I ate tonight so I'm not even going to hazard a guess. I'll just burn extra tomorrow to compensate. =]
Friday, 8 May 2009
What the Fuck
Why can't I sleep?
I've had issues with my sleeping patterns for years. Then after my ex left me, I was lucky to sleep an hour a night. It's not that bad now, but I'm feeling so drained and worn out. Last night I went to bed before midnight (and then it took me at least two hours to get to sleep) and woke up no fewer than nine times that I can remember. And each time it took me forever to get back to sleep again.
After The Breakup, my doctor prescribed me a sleeping pill called Zopiclone, told me to try it for a week and see if it helped. It didn't. It made me really fucking tired but didn't help me actually fall asleep - and it definitely didn't make me STAY asleep. I just wound up feeling worse in the morning because on top of the not-sleeping, I was also feeling hungover, which my doctor told me is a side-effect of the medication.
I reported back and she basically told me that if it wasn't working, there was no sense in giving me another sleeping pill and dosing my body up with medication it doesn't need.
I still. Can't. Sleep.
It's driving me crazy. This week for some reason has been particularly bad, and I'm sitting at my desk at work typing this and I could quite easily pass out. Only, if I did pass out it would only be for ten minutes until something woke me up and I couldn't get back to sleep again anyway.
I've had issues with my sleeping patterns for years. Then after my ex left me, I was lucky to sleep an hour a night. It's not that bad now, but I'm feeling so drained and worn out. Last night I went to bed before midnight (and then it took me at least two hours to get to sleep) and woke up no fewer than nine times that I can remember. And each time it took me forever to get back to sleep again.
After The Breakup, my doctor prescribed me a sleeping pill called Zopiclone, told me to try it for a week and see if it helped. It didn't. It made me really fucking tired but didn't help me actually fall asleep - and it definitely didn't make me STAY asleep. I just wound up feeling worse in the morning because on top of the not-sleeping, I was also feeling hungover, which my doctor told me is a side-effect of the medication.
I reported back and she basically told me that if it wasn't working, there was no sense in giving me another sleeping pill and dosing my body up with medication it doesn't need.
I still. Can't. Sleep.
It's driving me crazy. This week for some reason has been particularly bad, and I'm sitting at my desk at work typing this and I could quite easily pass out. Only, if I did pass out it would only be for ten minutes until something woke me up and I couldn't get back to sleep again anyway.
Thursday, 7 May 2009
Commence Operation: Door Slam
I'm a bitchy vindictive cunt but I do not care.
I came home, had a sandwich because my head was banging, and decided to go to bed for a nap to try to sleep it off.
Twenty minutes later I'm woken up when J comes up to use the bathroom. And BANGS the door. Our doors are such that, unless you turn the handle when you close them they bang and the metal clicks very loudly into place. When I first moved in, I did not realize that, and my aunts actually told me off and said "do you know how to TURN A HANDLE?" and since I realized hey, these doorknobs are fucking retarded, I have made every conscious effort to do so.
I'm always very careful and quiet when other people are asleep because I know how much it fucks me off when people wake me up for no good reason.
But nearly every single night, J bangs and clicks and talks loudly because SHE DOES NOT POSSESS AN INSIDE VOICE. Which is one of the reasons I sleep with earplugs (A: because certain people can not talk quieter than a shout and tend to do so very late when other people are trying to sleep and B: THE SNORING OH MY GOD).
It pisses me off all the time, but today REALLY got to me. Because here I am in bed, sick, with a fucking migraine shooting through the right side of my head, and BANGBANGCLICK! Two minutes later as she goes back downstairs BANGBANGCLICK! And I know damn well that if the situations were reversed she would have torn me a new one.
For. Fuck. Sakes.
So, Operation: Door Slam.
Myaunts leave Saturday morning so it probably doesn't matter, but J is off work tomorrow and as such does not have to get up at 7am like we usually do and I am REFUSING TO TURN A DOOR HANDLE for the next 24 hours. I could be a man about it and just say "so dude, do our "house rules" only apply to me or something?" but instead I want to piss her off so I can say "EXACTLY THANK YOU NOW FUCKING STOP IT"
...because I am a bitchy vindictive cunt. And also because I fucking feel like ruining someone's day now because mine has been thoroughly ruined.
I came home, had a sandwich because my head was banging, and decided to go to bed for a nap to try to sleep it off.
Twenty minutes later I'm woken up when J comes up to use the bathroom. And BANGS the door. Our doors are such that, unless you turn the handle when you close them they bang and the metal clicks very loudly into place. When I first moved in, I did not realize that, and my aunts actually told me off and said "do you know how to TURN A HANDLE?" and since I realized hey, these doorknobs are fucking retarded, I have made every conscious effort to do so.
I'm always very careful and quiet when other people are asleep because I know how much it fucks me off when people wake me up for no good reason.
But nearly every single night, J bangs and clicks and talks loudly because SHE DOES NOT POSSESS AN INSIDE VOICE. Which is one of the reasons I sleep with earplugs (A: because certain people can not talk quieter than a shout and tend to do so very late when other people are trying to sleep and B: THE SNORING OH MY GOD).
It pisses me off all the time, but today REALLY got to me. Because here I am in bed, sick, with a fucking migraine shooting through the right side of my head, and BANGBANGCLICK! Two minutes later as she goes back downstairs BANGBANGCLICK! And I know damn well that if the situations were reversed she would have torn me a new one.
For. Fuck. Sakes.
So, Operation: Door Slam.
Myaunts leave Saturday morning so it probably doesn't matter, but J is off work tomorrow and as such does not have to get up at 7am like we usually do and I am REFUSING TO TURN A DOOR HANDLE for the next 24 hours. I could be a man about it and just say "so dude, do our "house rules" only apply to me or something?" but instead I want to piss her off so I can say "EXACTLY THANK YOU NOW FUCKING STOP IT"
...because I am a bitchy vindictive cunt. And also because I fucking feel like ruining someone's day now because mine has been thoroughly ruined.
Thursday, 30 April 2009
The end of the worst day of the month
Suffice to say, today's been a super shittacular day.
I'm going to bed because I'm exhausted (might do a tarot reading or two while I'm at it), but I'll write all about it tomorrow.
But I'll just say two things:
Forced dinner out with family and mutual friends
and
My will-power exists but not in the quantities it fucking needs to. I hope this gets easier with time because so far, I suck big hair balls. Still, it could have been a lot worse than it was.
But yeah, I'll give you guys the full scoop tomorrow.
also, check out my ED-Friendly Foodblog, and send me any recipe suggestions you may have: http://champagnepetals.blogspot.com
/shamelessselfpromotion
I'm going to bed because I'm exhausted (might do a tarot reading or two while I'm at it), but I'll write all about it tomorrow.
But I'll just say two things:
Forced dinner out with family and mutual friends
and
My will-power exists but not in the quantities it fucking needs to. I hope this gets easier with time because so far, I suck big hair balls. Still, it could have been a lot worse than it was.
But yeah, I'll give you guys the full scoop tomorrow.
also, check out my ED-Friendly Foodblog, and send me any recipe suggestions you may have: http://champagnepetals.blogspot.com
/shamelessselfpromotion
Friday, 24 April 2009
I missed this
Man, I've missed having a place to do random ranting.
So here goes.
Today, is a bad day. It started off okay because I'd lost half a pound since yesterday even though I also had two buttercream-frosted cupcakes (I baked cupcakes to bring into work on Wednesday). And there are no cupcakes left for me at home because I skillfully offered all the leftovers to my aunts, who are determined to eat what they can now, since they're for definite getting the weight loss surgery this summer now.
But, the bad side effect of bringing in the cupcakes, even though I got a marriage proposal from my manager and it's been quoted as "the most important thing to happen this year" in a meeting... Is that the SUPER FUCKING WEIRDO old man (50+) has taken it upon himself to start talking to me, which weirds me out.
A while back he got put on a disciplinary for sniffing a woman teammate's chair. She caught him when she forgot something at her desk and came back to get it.
Then three years ago he sent a friend of mine some expensive flowers to her desk on Valentine's day, even though he'd never spoken to her before (but apparently HAD been talking about her forever to one of her best friends, who he sat next to at the time). This doesn't sound like a big deal but if you ever met him you would understand. He's "weird" in a way that is otherwise indescribeable.
Yesterday though, while I was working overtime and was the only other person left in the office, he came over and started yammering at me. And I swear to god the first thing he said to me was "You're from Calgary right? I know a family from there. I don't know if you'd know them. How big a city is it?" Like are you seriously pulling out the lamest, most retarded question in the world? People always assume just because I grew up in Calgary I know every single person to ever live there. Nevermind that this man is ten years older than my mother. God.
Then today he came over and asked if I was coming in tomorrow for Overtime and when I said no he asked if I lived far from the office. And I had this sense of dread but I told him I live farish, yes. And he said "Well I was wondering if you would bring cupcakes in for those of us who are working?" Seriously. I am not your pack mule 1950's wife, fuck off.
Like bringing in a couple batches of cupcakes for my teammates somehow translates to "she is totally hot for me, let's try lameley to flirt, bwahhaha". SO. NOT. INTERESTED.
Ew.
And then on top of that, I'm starting to get quite a bad headache, probably due to skipping lunch but whatever. I'm doing better at staying hydrated lately, which is a plus... Just as I realized I'm out of migraine meds (and tried taking 3 generic painkillers instead, but I'm doubtful they'll do anything) one of my boss-supervisor folks came over and asked if I'd pick up our phone line when one of the other women in the team leaves at 2:30.
For those of you who do not know, I work in a pensions office in an adminsitrative role. I use the term "admin" loosely, since I don't actually administer the pensions themselves I just produce and give information out to the people who request it, work that is varying in its complexity. But I don't actually know the first thing about pensions. So having to pick up our phone line that the local contact centre uses if they have questions about our policies, is like putting me into a courtroom and demanding me to adequately defend someone up against a murder charge. I have not the first fucking clue.
Luckily, the woman who is leaving said the only calls she's had to day were chasing some information requests that haven't been sent out yet, and it shouldn't be TOO hard, and there are people in my team I can ask if I'm asked something I can't answer on my own. But I could just really do without the hassle today. My head hurts, I'm tired, and my headache is making me feel sick. All I want to do is curl up somewhere and pass out for a day or two solid, but no.
Grumble.
/rant
Sorry, I just really needed to get that out, because I'm irritated.
So here goes.
Today, is a bad day. It started off okay because I'd lost half a pound since yesterday even though I also had two buttercream-frosted cupcakes (I baked cupcakes to bring into work on Wednesday). And there are no cupcakes left for me at home because I skillfully offered all the leftovers to my aunts, who are determined to eat what they can now, since they're for definite getting the weight loss surgery this summer now.
But, the bad side effect of bringing in the cupcakes, even though I got a marriage proposal from my manager and it's been quoted as "the most important thing to happen this year" in a meeting... Is that the SUPER FUCKING WEIRDO old man (50+) has taken it upon himself to start talking to me, which weirds me out.
A while back he got put on a disciplinary for sniffing a woman teammate's chair. She caught him when she forgot something at her desk and came back to get it.
Then three years ago he sent a friend of mine some expensive flowers to her desk on Valentine's day, even though he'd never spoken to her before (but apparently HAD been talking about her forever to one of her best friends, who he sat next to at the time). This doesn't sound like a big deal but if you ever met him you would understand. He's "weird" in a way that is otherwise indescribeable.
Yesterday though, while I was working overtime and was the only other person left in the office, he came over and started yammering at me. And I swear to god the first thing he said to me was "You're from Calgary right? I know a family from there. I don't know if you'd know them. How big a city is it?" Like are you seriously pulling out the lamest, most retarded question in the world? People always assume just because I grew up in Calgary I know every single person to ever live there. Nevermind that this man is ten years older than my mother. God.
Then today he came over and asked if I was coming in tomorrow for Overtime and when I said no he asked if I lived far from the office. And I had this sense of dread but I told him I live farish, yes. And he said "Well I was wondering if you would bring cupcakes in for those of us who are working?" Seriously. I am not your pack mule 1950's wife, fuck off.
Like bringing in a couple batches of cupcakes for my teammates somehow translates to "she is totally hot for me, let's try lameley to flirt, bwahhaha". SO. NOT. INTERESTED.
Ew.
And then on top of that, I'm starting to get quite a bad headache, probably due to skipping lunch but whatever. I'm doing better at staying hydrated lately, which is a plus... Just as I realized I'm out of migraine meds (and tried taking 3 generic painkillers instead, but I'm doubtful they'll do anything) one of my boss-supervisor folks came over and asked if I'd pick up our phone line when one of the other women in the team leaves at 2:30.
For those of you who do not know, I work in a pensions office in an adminsitrative role. I use the term "admin" loosely, since I don't actually administer the pensions themselves I just produce and give information out to the people who request it, work that is varying in its complexity. But I don't actually know the first thing about pensions. So having to pick up our phone line that the local contact centre uses if they have questions about our policies, is like putting me into a courtroom and demanding me to adequately defend someone up against a murder charge. I have not the first fucking clue.
Luckily, the woman who is leaving said the only calls she's had to day were chasing some information requests that haven't been sent out yet, and it shouldn't be TOO hard, and there are people in my team I can ask if I'm asked something I can't answer on my own. But I could just really do without the hassle today. My head hurts, I'm tired, and my headache is making me feel sick. All I want to do is curl up somewhere and pass out for a day or two solid, but no.
Grumble.
/rant
Sorry, I just really needed to get that out, because I'm irritated.
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