Again.
So... I'm not feeling as shitty as before. I am, however, depressed. I very nearly left work when I spoke to my aunt this morning because... Well I wanted to be with her and support her. And mostly to be there if her doctor calls back so I can get the information right then and there about what's going on. As much as my aunt is a worst-case-scenario type of person, so am I.
I once trapped a nerve in my forearm that caused my thumb to twitch of its own volition for three days. At the time I was convinced it was Parkinson's Disease and soon I would be incapable of reading a book for the constant involuntary swaying of my head.
Every migraine screams BRAIN TUMOUR... it doesn't help that my father's mom died of breast/brain cancer, either (there is some dispute as to whether it was brain or breast cancer. My aunt says my dad told her it was the former, my grandmother has it in her head that it was the latter and therefore nearly every time I see her she makes some comment about how I should be getting mammograms and why isn't my doctor doing it? blah fucking blah. I'm sorry, but if I did have cancer I'd rather just let it kill me than spend years of suffering trying in vain to fight it off. Maybe that's a bit cynical and nihilistic of me, but it's the truth. So many people live full happy lives, get sick, and die a week later from terminal, inoperable cancer. But so many more find out they have cancer and spend YEARS going through painful treatments that don't do anything other than prolong their life for another week, month, year, which is all the while filled with more of the same. But I'm getting entirely off topic, what the hell was I talking about?)
Oh yeah, hypochondria.
So, of course, the first thing that springs to mind when my aunt called this morning was "oh god her liver is shutting down and she's going to need a transplant oh god I hope we have the same blood and tissue types, she can have half of mine, oh fuck." Which I suppose I could say makes me a selfless person all, here, have half of my kidney, k? I'm deluding myself, it's entirely selfish. Because my life would suck if she wasn't here. But again, I'm digressing.
The thing is, there was really no point in going home because I know my aunt as well as I know myself, and right this minute I know what she is doing. The TV is tuned to NicToons or some other cartoon network - probably showing back-to-back episodes of Spongebob or Fairly Odd Parents, while my aunt dozes snoringly on the sofa until dinner is ready. This is how her life goes, especially when she's in the deeper throes of her depression, where she is currently regressing further and further into each day. So being at home to support her would result mostly in me sitting in my room boredly all afternoon while she slept.
So, I've stayed at work. I can't let myself overreact or I'll have a panic attack. My work is easy but it keeps me busy and I'll find out when she does what the problem is and what the final results are. Chances are high that it will be something fairly minor, and I shouldn't be stressing out. But stress is what I do best.
Did I mention I was convinced that I had a tumour or some kind of serious scar-tissue-damage in my ear when I finally made myself go to my doctor about my tinnitus? I had myself fully convinced it would need lots of surgery and I would go deaf anyway.
So yeah.
Instead, I'm depressed and stressing on my own, and when I'm depressed one of two things happens.
The first is what happened when my asshole cheating ex left me to marry an ugly fat whore, and that was to be so depressed that nothing in my life mattered at all, which meant constantly considering suicide and being one step away from doing it and wishing, praying without cease (EVER) that I would go to sleep and not wake up, or that I would grow a pair and have the balls to do something about it. Nothing mattered except spending my energy trying to will myself to death. Including food. I stopped eating almost entirely, and I lost 30lbs in a couple of months.
The second way I deal with depression is similar yet opposite. I completely lack energy for anything at all. I spend most of my time sleeping, even though I never feel rested. And I eat. I eat and then I sleep and then eat and then sleep some more, and do not care what it is that I am putting in my mouth.
Today, after I spoke to my aunt, I glared at the bag of grapes on my desk and stomped to the canteen to order food. I ate a large serving of cottage pie, which may or may not have been made using fake potatoes, and which I'm pretty sure had baked bean sauce in instead of gravy. It was disgusting but I ate it.
And now I feel sick and bloated and regretful. Today, well, it's just a bad day. We all have them, so I'm trying not to be too hard on myself. Tomorrow is a new day and I will not allow myself to fuck up.
I need to make a conscious decision to choose Option A over Option B. That starvation is always, always preferable to bingeing. Because I felt AMAZING. I still weighed around 170lbs at the time, but damn it, I felt... beautiful and attractive for the first time in months. And even though I was depressed and wanted with all my will and every fibre of my being nothing more than to die, at least I looked good.
So, minus the symptoms of depression and huge urge to try to kill myself, that is what I need to turn back to. Food only has the value that we put upon it ourselves. If the food is something we need to fulfill a craving to feel full and bloated, then fill up on water and black coffee and green tea and sugarfree jello. If it's a flavour we need, then have a bite and SAVOUR IT. If it's an emotional reponse, then turn those emotions into something more constructive. Like will power. Like self-hatred, if it helps motivate yourself. To a more creative output, like art or poetry.
Comfort eating is not what it is chalked up to be. Comfort eating does not comfort me in the slightest, and I just wind up pissed off and more upset and depressed and angry than I was to begin with. And a whole lot LESS comfortable.
This is the lesson I'm choosing to take away from today. To turn my negative impulses into something else. Or at least, try to.
I apologise, because this reads really disjointed to me and doesn't seem to make much sense, but I had to get it out there anyway.
But maybe this is the emotional kick in the ass I've been needing to have to make the conscious choice between Road A and Road B. At the end of the day, if I give into the food and turn my back on my starving soul, I'll only succeed in winding up just like my aunt. I'm not ashamed to admit that my sense of self-worth is strongly tied to my weight and physical appearance. And I've chosen to do something about that: I just need to stick to it now.
God, I'm rambling again. I'm sorry, I can't help myself.
Today was my first true "binge". It consisted of one serving of one meal, but it's the first time I've ever really... gone there. For me a binge is usually giving into a craving. Or sometimes being forced to have a meal out and being unable to cut back on the calories and consumption. But today was mindless and emotion-driven and I could not stop myself even though I knew what I was doing, and somewhere deep inside it felt like something was doing this to me on purpose. That a self-destructive part of me, that hates me and does not want to see me succeed and be happy, made a conscious decision to ruin me.
I've made my mistake. I've learned from it. I'm moving past it. And I will be a stronger person because of it.
Tuesday, 5 May 2009
I'm such an ass
I feel like a jerk. All I ever write about is how much people irritate me, and that always seems to centre upon my aunts. Which is probably because I live with them and they're the people I have the most contact with but still, it isn't fair. Yes, things they do annoy me, but I am a very easy person to annoy. And I feel like such a fucking asshole for bitching about them. My aunt, especially.
I want to go back and delete my last post because it's not fair, but then I remind myself; it's bitchy, but it's true. My aunt talks through movies and that annoys me. I have a right to be annoyed, don't I? So why do I feel so guilty for writing it? As if she would ever read it anyway.
I feel guilty AS I write those kinds of things but after the fact the guilt is always more pronounced. The truth is, my aunt is my best friend and probably the one person I love the most in the world. She annoys me probably because she has the most OPPOURTUNITY to do so. Though my grandmother winds me up everytime I see her, which is like once or twice a week, and after ten minutes I kind of want to kill myself. I love her too, but god...
Anyway.
So I just had a missed call from my aunt and then a text.
I think I mentioned before that she had her preop last Thursday. That included taking 4 vials of blood for various tests, and on Friday evening we had a message on our answering machine asking her to go in because they had to redo one of the tests. My aunt stressed about it all weekend but I was convinced it was probably just a high white blood cell count, as she thinks she has an ear infection.
But, the text said that there may be a problem with her liver, she had her blood taken and the nurse told her that her "liver function test came back abnormal" but had no more information. So she's calling her doctor this morning to try and get her to call back when she has time later to talk about it and what they could potentially mean. My aunt is the kind of person to make a mountain out of a molehill (I get that trait from her =/) and something tiny becomes a constant source of stress. So something like this, a potential problem with her liver, well, I can only imagine what's going through her head right now. I called her back to make sure she was ok and see if there was anything else, but she had no more details. She's taken today off work and is heading home now.
So I'm hoping all comes back okay, or that any issues are easily treated, and that this does not stop her getting her weight loss surgery. However much I may disagree with weight loss surgery and look upon it with a certain level of distain, it's something that I can admit she does need. She doesn't have the will power to just stop. And she NEEDS to lose the weight because it is imposing a very serious risk on her health. But most of all because her self-image and self-confidence are both extremely low, and these things only work in favour of her depression and are just another nudge in her constant spiral down to self-harming and suicide attempts.
So... we won't find out for a few days, hopefully they push it through fast (my aunts leave for Spain on Saturday morning) so she'll get it sooner rather than later. And I hope she's okay.
Mostly though, I feel like a fucking jerk.
I want to go back and delete my last post because it's not fair, but then I remind myself; it's bitchy, but it's true. My aunt talks through movies and that annoys me. I have a right to be annoyed, don't I? So why do I feel so guilty for writing it? As if she would ever read it anyway.
I feel guilty AS I write those kinds of things but after the fact the guilt is always more pronounced. The truth is, my aunt is my best friend and probably the one person I love the most in the world. She annoys me probably because she has the most OPPOURTUNITY to do so. Though my grandmother winds me up everytime I see her, which is like once or twice a week, and after ten minutes I kind of want to kill myself. I love her too, but god...
Anyway.
So I just had a missed call from my aunt and then a text.
I think I mentioned before that she had her preop last Thursday. That included taking 4 vials of blood for various tests, and on Friday evening we had a message on our answering machine asking her to go in because they had to redo one of the tests. My aunt stressed about it all weekend but I was convinced it was probably just a high white blood cell count, as she thinks she has an ear infection.
But, the text said that there may be a problem with her liver, she had her blood taken and the nurse told her that her "liver function test came back abnormal" but had no more information. So she's calling her doctor this morning to try and get her to call back when she has time later to talk about it and what they could potentially mean. My aunt is the kind of person to make a mountain out of a molehill (I get that trait from her =/) and something tiny becomes a constant source of stress. So something like this, a potential problem with her liver, well, I can only imagine what's going through her head right now. I called her back to make sure she was ok and see if there was anything else, but she had no more details. She's taken today off work and is heading home now.
So I'm hoping all comes back okay, or that any issues are easily treated, and that this does not stop her getting her weight loss surgery. However much I may disagree with weight loss surgery and look upon it with a certain level of distain, it's something that I can admit she does need. She doesn't have the will power to just stop. And she NEEDS to lose the weight because it is imposing a very serious risk on her health. But most of all because her self-image and self-confidence are both extremely low, and these things only work in favour of her depression and are just another nudge in her constant spiral down to self-harming and suicide attempts.
So... we won't find out for a few days, hopefully they push it through fast (my aunts leave for Spain on Saturday morning) so she'll get it sooner rather than later. And I hope she's okay.
Mostly though, I feel like a fucking jerk.
Shit
Yep. Back up 1lb to 144.4
Not surprised, I fully expected it. But still disappointed.
The worst part? My aunts appear to have arranged for proper "family, sit-down" dinners all this week until they go away. Tonight's culprit is Shepherd's Pie. Nobody told me, hey, you need to be home by x time because that is when we will have dinner ready. So, I was kind of planning to do overtime until maybe 7, come home and be all, "oh well you didn't tell me I had to be home at a certain time" so I wouldn't have to eat WITH them at least.
But, I just got into work and there is almost no actual WORK to speak of. An assload of people came in on overtime over the long weekend and basically got through everything, especially the easy stuff. All that seems to be left to do involves calling people to find out what they want before we can do it, and I hate doing phone work. If I wanted to be on the phones all day I would have gotten a job at a fucking call-centre (not that any of them actually exist in the UK anymore).
So, there is no overtime, which means I'll more than likely have to leave at 5 because there just isn't enough work to keep me going beyond that, which means I'll be home while dinner is cooked and served and if I don't finish it all then by GOD there has to be something wrong!
They drive me crazy sometimes. If I'm not laughing and peppy and full of energy, there must of course be something wrong. Case in point: Sunday night.
First we were watching The Ruins on dvd, and my aunt talked through the ENTIRE THING. Now this almost always irritates me because I, for one, would like to watch the movie without a fucking commentary every thirty seconds. Sometimes she is so bad for this that I want to explode. A few months ago while we were watching episodes of season 1 of Lost, it got to the point where I wasn't even concentrating on the tv anymore because I couldn't even hear what was going on, and was instead counting my head the number of seconds between her TALKING.
The longest she lasted in silence? 42 fucking seconds. Through THREE EPISODES OF LOST.
So, Sunday night she was doing the same thing and I was trying very hard not to get annoyed. At one point I had my head cocked and was almost squinting at the screen in concentration to hear what the fuck was going on over her voice. And she looked at me and said "what's wrong?" and I said "I can't hear anything" and she ignored me and kept talking.
At the end, once again, she kept jabbering. It also annoys me when people are watching a movie and say "such and such is going to happen. I TOLD YOU! Didn't I?" Her partner is worse than she is for that (J has a tendency to "predict" what is going to happen and then be all "TOLD YA!" even if it's a movie WE HAVE SEEN BEFORE and I just want to scream out THANKS FOR STATING THE OBVIOUS, CAPTAIN RETARDO! YOU DID NOT "TELL ME" SHIT!" Obviously, I am a very mean, mean person with serious rage issues. Moving swiftly on) So of course my aunt is all "this is going to happen. I can see it. Just watch! AHA SEE I TOLD YOU DIDN'T I?!" and I just kind of ignored her. And because I wasn't giggling in awe of her AMAZING film-predicting talent (even though she herself admitted "it kind of sucks how so many movies are so damn predictable these days, huh?" and figuring out the end is not, therefore, a huge act of talent or skill) she turned and said, in an almost offended tone "what's wrong with you?!"
When she says that to me, and especially in that tone, I want to scream. My aunt suffers from severe depression and possible bipolar disorder. When she's down, she's quiet, bitchy, and sleeps like every single hour that she isn't at work. But it's OKAY for her to not be the sunny life of the party, and that is what pisses me off: something must be WRONG if I am quiet or tired or not laughing my ass off every single second of every single day. But she doesn't even ASK "is something the matter?" in a tone that sounds caring or halfway interested. No, I get an abrupt "what's wrong with you!?!?!" instead.
WELL GEE SINCE YOU ASKED SO NICELY...
I'm not saying that something is always bothering me, but sometimes there IS something and I'm not going to talk about my feelings to somebody who acts like that.
In this case, the something wrong could have been summed up by "If you're not going to watch the motherfucking movie, then tell me and I will go watch it on my computer instead so you can sit and talk yourself in peace, because I, for one, would actually like to hear what the fuck is going on."
But it's perfectly okay for her to shush other people. If J is talking my aunt will hush shush shush shutupplease her until she is quiet. God forbid if I did.
Incidentally, that time with Lost? I even told her "you know, the longest you went without talking was 42 seconds" and she just laughed it off and said she was bored because she'd seen it before. She was the one who wanted to rewatch them. Otherwise, again, I'd have just watched the episodes on my computer in peace and silence.
God, I'm turning into a ranty old asshole of a woman aren't I?
And obviously, every little thing can really piss me off. But yeah, I was super anoyed the other night and I can't help myself.
I forgot what else I was actually going to write about here, so I'll leave off with that for now and write more as and when I can think of something else. In the meantime, I need to try to scrounge up some work to do =/.
Much love ladies, and I hope you're all having a better start to the week than I am. Four "family" meals together, and I'm home free for nearly two weeks. Bring it on.
Also, this time next week I will be sitting in my orthodontist's office and waiting for my braces to come off. Fuck yeah! I will also, however, be old. Fucking birthdays.
Starve on,
Vee xox
Not surprised, I fully expected it. But still disappointed.
The worst part? My aunts appear to have arranged for proper "family, sit-down" dinners all this week until they go away. Tonight's culprit is Shepherd's Pie. Nobody told me, hey, you need to be home by x time because that is when we will have dinner ready. So, I was kind of planning to do overtime until maybe 7, come home and be all, "oh well you didn't tell me I had to be home at a certain time" so I wouldn't have to eat WITH them at least.
But, I just got into work and there is almost no actual WORK to speak of. An assload of people came in on overtime over the long weekend and basically got through everything, especially the easy stuff. All that seems to be left to do involves calling people to find out what they want before we can do it, and I hate doing phone work. If I wanted to be on the phones all day I would have gotten a job at a fucking call-centre (not that any of them actually exist in the UK anymore).
So, there is no overtime, which means I'll more than likely have to leave at 5 because there just isn't enough work to keep me going beyond that, which means I'll be home while dinner is cooked and served and if I don't finish it all then by GOD there has to be something wrong!
They drive me crazy sometimes. If I'm not laughing and peppy and full of energy, there must of course be something wrong. Case in point: Sunday night.
First we were watching The Ruins on dvd, and my aunt talked through the ENTIRE THING. Now this almost always irritates me because I, for one, would like to watch the movie without a fucking commentary every thirty seconds. Sometimes she is so bad for this that I want to explode. A few months ago while we were watching episodes of season 1 of Lost, it got to the point where I wasn't even concentrating on the tv anymore because I couldn't even hear what was going on, and was instead counting my head the number of seconds between her TALKING.
The longest she lasted in silence? 42 fucking seconds. Through THREE EPISODES OF LOST.
So, Sunday night she was doing the same thing and I was trying very hard not to get annoyed. At one point I had my head cocked and was almost squinting at the screen in concentration to hear what the fuck was going on over her voice. And she looked at me and said "what's wrong?" and I said "I can't hear anything" and she ignored me and kept talking.
At the end, once again, she kept jabbering. It also annoys me when people are watching a movie and say "such and such is going to happen. I TOLD YOU! Didn't I?" Her partner is worse than she is for that (J has a tendency to "predict" what is going to happen and then be all "TOLD YA!" even if it's a movie WE HAVE SEEN BEFORE and I just want to scream out THANKS FOR STATING THE OBVIOUS, CAPTAIN RETARDO! YOU DID NOT "TELL ME" SHIT!" Obviously, I am a very mean, mean person with serious rage issues. Moving swiftly on) So of course my aunt is all "this is going to happen. I can see it. Just watch! AHA SEE I TOLD YOU DIDN'T I?!" and I just kind of ignored her. And because I wasn't giggling in awe of her AMAZING film-predicting talent (even though she herself admitted "it kind of sucks how so many movies are so damn predictable these days, huh?" and figuring out the end is not, therefore, a huge act of talent or skill) she turned and said, in an almost offended tone "what's wrong with you?!"
When she says that to me, and especially in that tone, I want to scream. My aunt suffers from severe depression and possible bipolar disorder. When she's down, she's quiet, bitchy, and sleeps like every single hour that she isn't at work. But it's OKAY for her to not be the sunny life of the party, and that is what pisses me off: something must be WRONG if I am quiet or tired or not laughing my ass off every single second of every single day. But she doesn't even ASK "is something the matter?" in a tone that sounds caring or halfway interested. No, I get an abrupt "what's wrong with you!?!?!" instead.
WELL GEE SINCE YOU ASKED SO NICELY...
I'm not saying that something is always bothering me, but sometimes there IS something and I'm not going to talk about my feelings to somebody who acts like that.
In this case, the something wrong could have been summed up by "If you're not going to watch the motherfucking movie, then tell me and I will go watch it on my computer instead so you can sit and talk yourself in peace, because I, for one, would actually like to hear what the fuck is going on."
But it's perfectly okay for her to shush other people. If J is talking my aunt will hush shush shush shutupplease her until she is quiet. God forbid if I did.
Incidentally, that time with Lost? I even told her "you know, the longest you went without talking was 42 seconds" and she just laughed it off and said she was bored because she'd seen it before. She was the one who wanted to rewatch them. Otherwise, again, I'd have just watched the episodes on my computer in peace and silence.
God, I'm turning into a ranty old asshole of a woman aren't I?
And obviously, every little thing can really piss me off. But yeah, I was super anoyed the other night and I can't help myself.
I forgot what else I was actually going to write about here, so I'll leave off with that for now and write more as and when I can think of something else. In the meantime, I need to try to scrounge up some work to do =/.
Much love ladies, and I hope you're all having a better start to the week than I am. Four "family" meals together, and I'm home free for nearly two weeks. Bring it on.
Also, this time next week I will be sitting in my orthodontist's office and waiting for my braces to come off. Fuck yeah! I will also, however, be old. Fucking birthdays.
Starve on,
Vee xox
Monday, 4 May 2009
Fatigued! [and more tarot-ey goodness]
So, today started off kind of a busy day.
I was in a bad mood to start off with, mostly because I couldn't sleep at all last night, ugh. Then I had to get up and go to the mall with my aunts, because they needed to buy a new vacuum (long story short: ours broke, but we had my aunt's partner's brother's because he lives in Spain and we're buying their house and everything in the house comes with it and they told my aunts sure, take the vacuum. But they're back in the UK for a few weeks now and asked for it back so my aunt just had to go spent a hundred pounds on a new one, sigh)
God, okay, sidenote: just changed the batteries in my keyboard and I can finally type like a normal fucking human being again!!!
Anyway, so I also needed to get some birthday presents for my aunt's partner and my grandfather, plus birthday cards for both of them and one to send to my brother in Canada. I could not find a decent frigging graduation card, so I'm going to have to have another look sometime this week, but there's a nice store up the road from where I work that sells handmade ones so I might get one from there...
((another sidenote. An online friend just messaged me on AIM to say "catch ya tomorrow". I haven't spoken to her in over a week, why the hell start a conversation to say goodbye? Fucking weird ass people))
So I got J (aunt's partner's) present right off the bat. She's into Scrabble and has borrowed my DS version to take on holiday with her, so I bought her her own. It's her birthday while she's away and she'll have mine anyway but at least she'll have her own to keep her busy back home. And for my grandfather I got him a couple nice polo-neck tees from Mark and Spencers, because that's what he told me he wanted. Well, that was some confusion over that. At his house on Saturday he gestured to the top he was wearing and said "I just want some more of these" so fine, I thought, get him some short-sleeved tops. Then my aunt spent today convincing me that what he wanted was some sweatshirts, and that the long-sleeved top I got him for Christmas was a "thin sweater" but he was like a "jogging top" instead. And I was like, dude, I got him one of EACH of those kinds for Christmas, and anyway why the hell would he be asking me for more sweaters when it's almost summer, and this is a man who is almost always twenty degrees warmer than the average human being?
So we get to M&S and my aunt has me absolutely convinced he wants a thick sweater, and I'm going what the fuck. Of course, in May nowhere sells thick sweatshirts, just cardigans and thin long-sleeved tops. So I'm wandering around muttering about how this whole thing is retarded and wondering where the hell my aunt decided he meant a long-sleeved sweatshirt to begin with. So she said "well he said he wants some more sweaters" and I said "No, he pointed to what he was already wearing and said "some more of these tops"" and my aunt was like "oh, maybe it is then, but grandma said.. hangon I'll check"
So she called my grandparents' house and my grandfather answers the phone. She asked for my grandma, wanting to be all sly and not let him know we're shopping for him right now, but she was out and instead of just ASKING HIM WHAT HE WANTED she hung up. So I wanted to call back but didn't want to be an idiot, so I just went and bought him some nice short-sleeved tops instead. For. Fuck. Sakes.
Why did that have to be so god damn difficult?
After this we went and bought our respective birthday cards, and while I was waiting in line my aunt told me she'd meet me down at Argos because they were going to go buy a vacuum / wait for it to be brought out front from the storage area. So about two minutes later I was done and trekked down to Argos; and they're not fucking there. Do not get all impatient and tell me to meet you somewhere and then not be there! Like I said I was in a bad mood to begin with this morning, so by this point I was irritated and called my aunt to ask where she was. After ringing eighty times she picked up - I didn't think she would, earlier when she told me to meet her at HMV I called her 4 times to make sure she was still there and she didn't answer her phone - and told me she was in a shoe store. So I waited, and was still annoyed.
By this time, my back was starting to ache and I hadn't had anything to eat or drink all day and it was around 1:30 and I was super thirsty and had totally crashed. My blood sugar levels were probably close to zilch and I was getting a headache. After they ordered the vacuum though, we managed to get the fuck out of there.
In the car, I decided that since I was about to pass out, I'd make the pasta early. That way it would also be out of the way and I'd have the afternoon to digest it and hopefully get it out of my system before the dreaded weigh-in tomorrow morning. So we got home and I got cooking and the pasta was amazing, and then the aunts went for naps and I came to my room to chill and wound up doing a few of the Japanese lessons on my Rosetta Stone software (woot for learning!)
Just as I climbed into bed for a mid afternoon nap to supplement the lack of sleep last night, my aunt knocked on my door. They were heading to my aunt's partner's brother's house to take the vacuum back to them and my aunt asked me if I was going to have a bath tonight. Um, yeah. I tend to shower more often than have a bath, mostly because I'm incapable of having a bath that lasts under 45 minutes and sometimes it just seems like a waste of time. But the night before I have to go back to work - usually Sunday night but in this case today was a bank holiday so it's tonight - I have a long soak to relax and whatnot. So I said yes, and she asked me to have my bath while they were at the brother-in-law's house, so that J had time for a bath tonight.
So, there went my nap. I told her I had planned on having a nap but then of course they were banging around and I was wide awake so figured I might as well have a bath anyway. And that basically brings me to now. It's 6:45pm, I just got out of an hour-long bath, and I need to dry and straighten my hair for work tomorrow. But I'm so fucking dog tired all I want to do is climb into bed and pass out until my alarm goes off for work tomorrow. Of course, on the other side of that coin, I would never go to work without sorting my hair out, so the straightening, as huge a pain in my ass it is, needs to be done.
Once it is, I'll probably go pass out again.
God, that's a fuck of a lot of rambling about absolutely nothing, I apologies.
So now for something completely different.
I mentioned in my previous post some Tarot-ness. Once again my readings came up with a lot of stuff about self-control and goal-reaching and was all around pretty positive stuff. But by 2 this morning I was getting tired and couldn't be bothered with full spreads and card interpretations, so I did a series of Yes/No readings instead.
A Yes/No tarot reading is easy. Basically you shuffle your deck while concentrating on a straightforward yes or no question. Then, you turn over the top cards one by one until you get your answer. Generally speaking the yes and no cards are part of the major arcana, and a lot of people tend to use the Death or Devil cards as no, and something else for yes. I make it easier than that. Card 0 - The Fool, the first card in the major arcana, is my NO card. Card XXI - The World, the final card in the major arcana, is my YES card. Whichever card comes up first as you turn over the cards one by one from the shuffled deck, that's your answer.
And things meshed pretty well.
Question 1: Will I reach my goal of dropping 4stone by September? (4 stone is 56lbs by the way, which is significant to the following questions)
Answer: No
Disappointing but I moved on.
Question 2: Will I manage to lose 40lbs by September?
Answer: Yes
Question 3: Will I lose 50lbs by September?
Answer: No
That one I should have seen coming based on the first question, but I like it when the tarot gives you the same answers and reinforces your previous questions instead of giving you mixed signals.
Question 4: Will I lose 45lbs by September?
Answer: No
Final question: So then I will lose between 40-45lbs by September?
Answer: Yes
Which would be fucking AWESOME.
I don't rest ALL of my faith and expectations on the tarot, not by a long shot. But the possible insight is still pretty cool. And then to test it, I did a very lame reading. I asked the cards what time I would first wake up and look at my clock at this morning. The value of the card would equal the time. I did this twice and both times I got a card with the number 8 on the face. Last night I didn't sleep well and tossed and turned, but the first time I actually looked at the clock, it said 8:04.
Spooky no?
So, we'll see. Either way I'm determined and am going to make that 40-45 goal my MINIMUM goal, but I'm going to try to push myself to lose more and prove it wrong ;] Because I'm weird and a bit obsessive like that.
Anyway I need to stop procrastinating and do my hair.
As always, thanks for your comments dears (I don't know if you see, but I do reply to your comments, only I reply in my own comments section because posting back to your own blogs to me messes up the chain response/conversation and confuses me haha) and stay strong.
All my love!
Vee xox
I was in a bad mood to start off with, mostly because I couldn't sleep at all last night, ugh. Then I had to get up and go to the mall with my aunts, because they needed to buy a new vacuum (long story short: ours broke, but we had my aunt's partner's brother's because he lives in Spain and we're buying their house and everything in the house comes with it and they told my aunts sure, take the vacuum. But they're back in the UK for a few weeks now and asked for it back so my aunt just had to go spent a hundred pounds on a new one, sigh)
God, okay, sidenote: just changed the batteries in my keyboard and I can finally type like a normal fucking human being again!!!
Anyway, so I also needed to get some birthday presents for my aunt's partner and my grandfather, plus birthday cards for both of them and one to send to my brother in Canada. I could not find a decent frigging graduation card, so I'm going to have to have another look sometime this week, but there's a nice store up the road from where I work that sells handmade ones so I might get one from there...
((another sidenote. An online friend just messaged me on AIM to say "catch ya tomorrow". I haven't spoken to her in over a week, why the hell start a conversation to say goodbye? Fucking weird ass people))
So I got J (aunt's partner's) present right off the bat. She's into Scrabble and has borrowed my DS version to take on holiday with her, so I bought her her own. It's her birthday while she's away and she'll have mine anyway but at least she'll have her own to keep her busy back home. And for my grandfather I got him a couple nice polo-neck tees from Mark and Spencers, because that's what he told me he wanted. Well, that was some confusion over that. At his house on Saturday he gestured to the top he was wearing and said "I just want some more of these" so fine, I thought, get him some short-sleeved tops. Then my aunt spent today convincing me that what he wanted was some sweatshirts, and that the long-sleeved top I got him for Christmas was a "thin sweater" but he was like a "jogging top" instead. And I was like, dude, I got him one of EACH of those kinds for Christmas, and anyway why the hell would he be asking me for more sweaters when it's almost summer, and this is a man who is almost always twenty degrees warmer than the average human being?
So we get to M&S and my aunt has me absolutely convinced he wants a thick sweater, and I'm going what the fuck. Of course, in May nowhere sells thick sweatshirts, just cardigans and thin long-sleeved tops. So I'm wandering around muttering about how this whole thing is retarded and wondering where the hell my aunt decided he meant a long-sleeved sweatshirt to begin with. So she said "well he said he wants some more sweaters" and I said "No, he pointed to what he was already wearing and said "some more of these tops"" and my aunt was like "oh, maybe it is then, but grandma said.. hangon I'll check"
So she called my grandparents' house and my grandfather answers the phone. She asked for my grandma, wanting to be all sly and not let him know we're shopping for him right now, but she was out and instead of just ASKING HIM WHAT HE WANTED she hung up. So I wanted to call back but didn't want to be an idiot, so I just went and bought him some nice short-sleeved tops instead. For. Fuck. Sakes.
Why did that have to be so god damn difficult?
After this we went and bought our respective birthday cards, and while I was waiting in line my aunt told me she'd meet me down at Argos because they were going to go buy a vacuum / wait for it to be brought out front from the storage area. So about two minutes later I was done and trekked down to Argos; and they're not fucking there. Do not get all impatient and tell me to meet you somewhere and then not be there! Like I said I was in a bad mood to begin with this morning, so by this point I was irritated and called my aunt to ask where she was. After ringing eighty times she picked up - I didn't think she would, earlier when she told me to meet her at HMV I called her 4 times to make sure she was still there and she didn't answer her phone - and told me she was in a shoe store. So I waited, and was still annoyed.
By this time, my back was starting to ache and I hadn't had anything to eat or drink all day and it was around 1:30 and I was super thirsty and had totally crashed. My blood sugar levels were probably close to zilch and I was getting a headache. After they ordered the vacuum though, we managed to get the fuck out of there.
In the car, I decided that since I was about to pass out, I'd make the pasta early. That way it would also be out of the way and I'd have the afternoon to digest it and hopefully get it out of my system before the dreaded weigh-in tomorrow morning. So we got home and I got cooking and the pasta was amazing, and then the aunts went for naps and I came to my room to chill and wound up doing a few of the Japanese lessons on my Rosetta Stone software (woot for learning!)
Just as I climbed into bed for a mid afternoon nap to supplement the lack of sleep last night, my aunt knocked on my door. They were heading to my aunt's partner's brother's house to take the vacuum back to them and my aunt asked me if I was going to have a bath tonight. Um, yeah. I tend to shower more often than have a bath, mostly because I'm incapable of having a bath that lasts under 45 minutes and sometimes it just seems like a waste of time. But the night before I have to go back to work - usually Sunday night but in this case today was a bank holiday so it's tonight - I have a long soak to relax and whatnot. So I said yes, and she asked me to have my bath while they were at the brother-in-law's house, so that J had time for a bath tonight.
So, there went my nap. I told her I had planned on having a nap but then of course they were banging around and I was wide awake so figured I might as well have a bath anyway. And that basically brings me to now. It's 6:45pm, I just got out of an hour-long bath, and I need to dry and straighten my hair for work tomorrow. But I'm so fucking dog tired all I want to do is climb into bed and pass out until my alarm goes off for work tomorrow. Of course, on the other side of that coin, I would never go to work without sorting my hair out, so the straightening, as huge a pain in my ass it is, needs to be done.
Once it is, I'll probably go pass out again.
God, that's a fuck of a lot of rambling about absolutely nothing, I apologies.
So now for something completely different.
I mentioned in my previous post some Tarot-ness. Once again my readings came up with a lot of stuff about self-control and goal-reaching and was all around pretty positive stuff. But by 2 this morning I was getting tired and couldn't be bothered with full spreads and card interpretations, so I did a series of Yes/No readings instead.
A Yes/No tarot reading is easy. Basically you shuffle your deck while concentrating on a straightforward yes or no question. Then, you turn over the top cards one by one until you get your answer. Generally speaking the yes and no cards are part of the major arcana, and a lot of people tend to use the Death or Devil cards as no, and something else for yes. I make it easier than that. Card 0 - The Fool, the first card in the major arcana, is my NO card. Card XXI - The World, the final card in the major arcana, is my YES card. Whichever card comes up first as you turn over the cards one by one from the shuffled deck, that's your answer.
And things meshed pretty well.
Question 1: Will I reach my goal of dropping 4stone by September? (4 stone is 56lbs by the way, which is significant to the following questions)
Answer: No
Disappointing but I moved on.
Question 2: Will I manage to lose 40lbs by September?
Answer: Yes
Question 3: Will I lose 50lbs by September?
Answer: No
That one I should have seen coming based on the first question, but I like it when the tarot gives you the same answers and reinforces your previous questions instead of giving you mixed signals.
Question 4: Will I lose 45lbs by September?
Answer: No
Final question: So then I will lose between 40-45lbs by September?
Answer: Yes
Which would be fucking AWESOME.
I don't rest ALL of my faith and expectations on the tarot, not by a long shot. But the possible insight is still pretty cool. And then to test it, I did a very lame reading. I asked the cards what time I would first wake up and look at my clock at this morning. The value of the card would equal the time. I did this twice and both times I got a card with the number 8 on the face. Last night I didn't sleep well and tossed and turned, but the first time I actually looked at the clock, it said 8:04.
Spooky no?
So, we'll see. Either way I'm determined and am going to make that 40-45 goal my MINIMUM goal, but I'm going to try to push myself to lose more and prove it wrong ;] Because I'm weird and a bit obsessive like that.
Anyway I need to stop procrastinating and do my hair.
As always, thanks for your comments dears (I don't know if you see, but I do reply to your comments, only I reply in my own comments section because posting back to your own blogs to me messes up the chain response/conversation and confuses me haha) and stay strong.
All my love!
Vee xox
Oh what?
After last night's blog about how I was okay yesterday but not good enough to lose - and probably bad enough to gain - it was with no small measure of trepidation that I stepped onto my scale this morning. I kept thinking, maybe I should stop weighing in every day and just do a weekly weigh in on like Friday or Saturday. That way, I can just count up the pounds lost in a week and there won't be quite as much daily up-down fluctuations going on. And maybe I'll be happier to see a drop of 4lbs all at once, rather than the odd pound here, half a pound there.
The problem is, I'm a slave to my scale. I am physically incapable of not weighing in, unless I've managed to completely forget about it as I'm running late for work or something. So, I stepped on, bracing myself for the magic number - 195? 195.5?
But no. 193.4. A drop of 0.6lbs from yesterday.
Can I get a FUCK YEAH!?
Such a relief. Today is going to be a non-eating day for MOST of the day. Unfortunately my aunts want me to make my famous linguine (which includes an olive-oil based garlic sauce and fresh parmesan cheese) tonight, which means that I can afford one small serving of that and NOTHING ELSE if I don't want to balloon back up tomorrow. Hopefully not eating for the rest of the day will balance out the oil-calories, but to be perfectly honest, I'm not holding my breath. Again. The last time I made my pasta I put on like 2lbs overnight.
Luckily it's back to working long hours tomorrow so I'll be able to get away with not eating much from Tuesday to Thursday (Going out for a birthday dinner with family on Friday BUT then my aunts are going away!)
Anyway, I need to get dressed and put my makeups on - gotta get fakin' that perfect skin of mine! ;] - because I need to hit the mall and do some birthday shopping for my aunt's partner and my grandfather. I also need to get an 18th birthday card for my brother and a graduation card to send to my sister, both in Canada. I'm probably forgetting something, May is a brutal month for special occasions =/
I did a lot of tarot-playing last night and the results I got were pretty interesting and motivating! So I'll share that with you when I get home, I don't have time right now =]
Vee xox
The problem is, I'm a slave to my scale. I am physically incapable of not weighing in, unless I've managed to completely forget about it as I'm running late for work or something. So, I stepped on, bracing myself for the magic number - 195? 195.5?
But no. 193.4. A drop of 0.6lbs from yesterday.
Can I get a FUCK YEAH!?
Such a relief. Today is going to be a non-eating day for MOST of the day. Unfortunately my aunts want me to make my famous linguine (which includes an olive-oil based garlic sauce and fresh parmesan cheese) tonight, which means that I can afford one small serving of that and NOTHING ELSE if I don't want to balloon back up tomorrow. Hopefully not eating for the rest of the day will balance out the oil-calories, but to be perfectly honest, I'm not holding my breath. Again. The last time I made my pasta I put on like 2lbs overnight.
Luckily it's back to working long hours tomorrow so I'll be able to get away with not eating much from Tuesday to Thursday (Going out for a birthday dinner with family on Friday BUT then my aunts are going away!)
Anyway, I need to get dressed and put my makeups on - gotta get fakin' that perfect skin of mine! ;] - because I need to hit the mall and do some birthday shopping for my aunt's partner and my grandfather. I also need to get an 18th birthday card for my brother and a graduation card to send to my sister, both in Canada. I'm probably forgetting something, May is a brutal month for special occasions =/
I did a lot of tarot-playing last night and the results I got were pretty interesting and motivating! So I'll share that with you when I get home, I don't have time right now =]
Vee xox
And Also...
I'm too lazy to just edit my previous post, eat me.
Some of my ED-Books came the other day. I picked them up from my grandparents' house yesterday afternoon. I had to tell them "Some of the stuff is books and some tarot cards for me, some of it MIGHT BE early Christmas presents because there was a sale on Amazon, so I can't open them right now and show you."
How messed up is it that my family is so nosey that they always DEMAND to know exactly what I ordered. That time I ordered diet pills they kept asking me what the package was and when I was all "it's none of your business" they wouldn't take that shit and thought I was joking and kept PESTERING ME so I told them I'd ordered some more Valerian tablets to help with my insomnia. It was bullshit, but it got them off my back.
It just reinforces that my life is not nearly as private as I would like it to be. What if I was ordering lengerie and flavoured lube from Anne Summers? Or fucking sex toys? I mean seriously, what I buy online is nobody's fucking business but my own.
Yet again, I wish I could afford to move into my own apartment. But there's no way in the forseeable future that is going to happen.
Also, my nails are suffering and that pisses me off. It's probably a mix between the lack of lots of proper food (I forgot to take my vitamins every day but twice this week, I suck so hard) and I probably over-filed/buffed them last week. But they keep peeling and now I've had to cut them down so the peeley bits are gone and have to wait for them to grow out again. Fucking nails. Show some respect, motherfuckers. I bit my nails constantly until I was 12 and then stopped cold turkey, and THIS IS HOW YOU REPAY ME?
I swear to god I'm not ACTUALLY going crazy.
In other news, one of my Tarot books also came. I've got two tarot books and a Wiccan Cards oracle deck (the artwork on them looked really nice, I always seem to buy cards based on how they look. Yes, I am shallow, and I do not give a shit.) coming in total. The one that came is called The Tarot Bible, and was well worth the money. It gives pretty in-depth descriptions of each card, as well as lots of different spreads, as well as lots of info about the history of the tarot and how to use them most effectively. I used it in conjunction with my Egyptian Tarot deck last night, and all the spreads seemed to be pretty spot-on. I got a lot of cards about perfectionism and idealism and new goals and will power and fighting self-indulgence.
It always creeps me out a little when things ring true. I do not profess to be a psychic by any means, but sometimes things are just so RIGHT.
Of course, when my ex left me for an uglier other woman, I did a reading with a set of fortune cards. It was a simple spread. Card 1 = me. Card 2 = him. Card 3 = the dynamic between the two of us. And then I did a second spread on him and her and their dynamic.
The dynamic between him and me came up as "True love and happiness." The one between him and her said - and this is VERBATIM FROM THE FACE OF THE CARD ITSELF "Fate has blocked this path for you."
OF course I convinced myself this meant we would get back together. Maybe he'll come crawling back in the future when he realizes how dumb it was to leave ME, but I doubt it, and if he did I would laugh in his face because I'm mean like that.
So, maybe my tarot just tells me what I want to hear, or what I need to hear to make it through another day, I don't know. Time will tell, but last night's made me hopeful that I can and will succeed.
Unrelated sidenote: I think the batteries in my wireless keyboard are dying because even though I'm typing at half my usual speed and not missing any keys, HALF the letters are not registering so it's taking forever to type this and it is PISSING ME OFFFFFF!!!
Gah. Ok I'm going to stop there because I'm annoyed and need to charge these bitches up.
Goodnight my darlings.
Vee xox
Some of my ED-Books came the other day. I picked them up from my grandparents' house yesterday afternoon. I had to tell them "Some of the stuff is books and some tarot cards for me, some of it MIGHT BE early Christmas presents because there was a sale on Amazon, so I can't open them right now and show you."
How messed up is it that my family is so nosey that they always DEMAND to know exactly what I ordered. That time I ordered diet pills they kept asking me what the package was and when I was all "it's none of your business" they wouldn't take that shit and thought I was joking and kept PESTERING ME so I told them I'd ordered some more Valerian tablets to help with my insomnia. It was bullshit, but it got them off my back.
It just reinforces that my life is not nearly as private as I would like it to be. What if I was ordering lengerie and flavoured lube from Anne Summers? Or fucking sex toys? I mean seriously, what I buy online is nobody's fucking business but my own.
Yet again, I wish I could afford to move into my own apartment. But there's no way in the forseeable future that is going to happen.
Also, my nails are suffering and that pisses me off. It's probably a mix between the lack of lots of proper food (I forgot to take my vitamins every day but twice this week, I suck so hard) and I probably over-filed/buffed them last week. But they keep peeling and now I've had to cut them down so the peeley bits are gone and have to wait for them to grow out again. Fucking nails. Show some respect, motherfuckers. I bit my nails constantly until I was 12 and then stopped cold turkey, and THIS IS HOW YOU REPAY ME?
I swear to god I'm not ACTUALLY going crazy.
In other news, one of my Tarot books also came. I've got two tarot books and a Wiccan Cards oracle deck (the artwork on them looked really nice, I always seem to buy cards based on how they look. Yes, I am shallow, and I do not give a shit.) coming in total. The one that came is called The Tarot Bible, and was well worth the money. It gives pretty in-depth descriptions of each card, as well as lots of different spreads, as well as lots of info about the history of the tarot and how to use them most effectively. I used it in conjunction with my Egyptian Tarot deck last night, and all the spreads seemed to be pretty spot-on. I got a lot of cards about perfectionism and idealism and new goals and will power and fighting self-indulgence.
It always creeps me out a little when things ring true. I do not profess to be a psychic by any means, but sometimes things are just so RIGHT.
Of course, when my ex left me for an uglier other woman, I did a reading with a set of fortune cards. It was a simple spread. Card 1 = me. Card 2 = him. Card 3 = the dynamic between the two of us. And then I did a second spread on him and her and their dynamic.
The dynamic between him and me came up as "True love and happiness." The one between him and her said - and this is VERBATIM FROM THE FACE OF THE CARD ITSELF "Fate has blocked this path for you."
OF course I convinced myself this meant we would get back together. Maybe he'll come crawling back in the future when he realizes how dumb it was to leave ME, but I doubt it, and if he did I would laugh in his face because I'm mean like that.
So, maybe my tarot just tells me what I want to hear, or what I need to hear to make it through another day, I don't know. Time will tell, but last night's made me hopeful that I can and will succeed.
Unrelated sidenote: I think the batteries in my wireless keyboard are dying because even though I'm typing at half my usual speed and not missing any keys, HALF the letters are not registering so it's taking forever to type this and it is PISSING ME OFFFFFF!!!
Gah. Ok I'm going to stop there because I'm annoyed and need to charge these bitches up.
Goodnight my darlings.
Vee xox
Sunday, 3 May 2009
You and Me and the Devil Makes Three
Today was good and bad.
The good points:
Although we had Indian takeout last night, I didn't eat much of mine and stayed the same weight from yesterday, which was a surprise. So today I'm still 194, which is a fucking hell of a lot better than gaining.
I went to Makro with my aunts this afternoon... I don't know if they have Makro in America but essentially it's very similar to like Costco, where you buy things in bulk and they profess to be way cheaper, until you realize you've got to add your 15% VAT on top of that (in England, prices in most places already include VAT so what you see on a price tag is what you pay at the till. Not so at Makro), so in the end you wind up saving very little. It's a very good marketing ploy though, and I bet they make tons of money.
Anyway, my aunts just went for some laundry detergent and some soap and OXO stock cubes to take to the owners of a pub they go to in Spain (they have a time share for two weeks every year in May and have made friends with these people, who are from England, so when they go they take back a couple things that they miss and can't get over there.) As we were checking out, the older lady at the till scanned the package of Imperial Leather soap and asked me "So is that your secret?" and told me I have lovely perfect skin. I laughed it off and said hell no, I use Clinique and she was like "My sister uses Clinque but she doesn't look like you!"
Obviously, that comment totally made my fucking day. What I SHOULD have said to her is "My skin looks perfect due to much MAC concealer and foundation, thankyouverymuch, but at least it's doing its job!"
The funny thing is, this comes the day after I get my hair cut and coloured (another plus for this weekend, by the way). I usually get some blonde highlights on the top/sides and around the front, but this time I wanted to really lighten my hair up so I got lots of blonde highlights all over. And it looks amazing. It sounds dumb but I swear to God, people do seem to notice me a lot more when I'm blonder. For better or worse, I'm not sure yet.
Anyway. Those are the good points.
The major bad point is that I'll probably have gained tomorrow. Which makes me sad.
I did pretty well today, but not well enough. I had a couple of pieces of warm garlic naan bread with some hummus. It doesn't sound bad but... Hummus always feel like such a dirty indulgence to me and although I love it, I ALWAYS feel guilty when I've had it. In the evening my aunts and I were watching a movie (The Ruins) and I was craving nachos with melted cheese and salsa, but had a little organic coffee ice cream instead. And a few chocolate-covered Brazil nuts.
It feels a lot worse than it sounds to write it. Maybe I'm deluded and think it's not all that much, when really it is. I guess the scales tomorrow will tell.
Although - and this is probably too much information, but whatever - I've been feeling really consipated today, and yesterday. So maybe I'm slightly lighter than the scales are showing, and when that passes I'll drop another pound or so?
Wishful thinking. I know, it's bad. But I can't help but hope.
I'm kind of looking forward to going back to work on Tuesday. The weekends are always worse for me, because my aunts are always around. At work, I can get away with not eating all day, even if I work until 6:30. And by that time, I can usually tell my aunts I ate already or have something small when I get home. But on the weekends there's almost always some level of pressure. Like, they decide it will be nice to make a Sunday Dinner (England has its traditions, like nice sit-down family meals on Sundays, which are usually a roast of some kind but not always), or having one of my favourite meals ready when I get home from work.
I appreciate the sentiment, but I wish they wouldn't.
Twelve weeks. My aunt's waiting list for her surgery is twelve weeks.
If I can make it until then without slipping up, I'll be down to the home stretch.
I can do it. WE can do it.
And I don't need surgery to stop myself.
Starve on.
Vee xox
The good points:
Although we had Indian takeout last night, I didn't eat much of mine and stayed the same weight from yesterday, which was a surprise. So today I'm still 194, which is a fucking hell of a lot better than gaining.
I went to Makro with my aunts this afternoon... I don't know if they have Makro in America but essentially it's very similar to like Costco, where you buy things in bulk and they profess to be way cheaper, until you realize you've got to add your 15% VAT on top of that (in England, prices in most places already include VAT so what you see on a price tag is what you pay at the till. Not so at Makro), so in the end you wind up saving very little. It's a very good marketing ploy though, and I bet they make tons of money.
Anyway, my aunts just went for some laundry detergent and some soap and OXO stock cubes to take to the owners of a pub they go to in Spain (they have a time share for two weeks every year in May and have made friends with these people, who are from England, so when they go they take back a couple things that they miss and can't get over there.) As we were checking out, the older lady at the till scanned the package of Imperial Leather soap and asked me "So is that your secret?" and told me I have lovely perfect skin. I laughed it off and said hell no, I use Clinique and she was like "My sister uses Clinque but she doesn't look like you!"
Obviously, that comment totally made my fucking day. What I SHOULD have said to her is "My skin looks perfect due to much MAC concealer and foundation, thankyouverymuch, but at least it's doing its job!"
The funny thing is, this comes the day after I get my hair cut and coloured (another plus for this weekend, by the way). I usually get some blonde highlights on the top/sides and around the front, but this time I wanted to really lighten my hair up so I got lots of blonde highlights all over. And it looks amazing. It sounds dumb but I swear to God, people do seem to notice me a lot more when I'm blonder. For better or worse, I'm not sure yet.
Anyway. Those are the good points.
The major bad point is that I'll probably have gained tomorrow. Which makes me sad.
I did pretty well today, but not well enough. I had a couple of pieces of warm garlic naan bread with some hummus. It doesn't sound bad but... Hummus always feel like such a dirty indulgence to me and although I love it, I ALWAYS feel guilty when I've had it. In the evening my aunts and I were watching a movie (The Ruins) and I was craving nachos with melted cheese and salsa, but had a little organic coffee ice cream instead. And a few chocolate-covered Brazil nuts.
It feels a lot worse than it sounds to write it. Maybe I'm deluded and think it's not all that much, when really it is. I guess the scales tomorrow will tell.
Although - and this is probably too much information, but whatever - I've been feeling really consipated today, and yesterday. So maybe I'm slightly lighter than the scales are showing, and when that passes I'll drop another pound or so?
Wishful thinking. I know, it's bad. But I can't help but hope.
I'm kind of looking forward to going back to work on Tuesday. The weekends are always worse for me, because my aunts are always around. At work, I can get away with not eating all day, even if I work until 6:30. And by that time, I can usually tell my aunts I ate already or have something small when I get home. But on the weekends there's almost always some level of pressure. Like, they decide it will be nice to make a Sunday Dinner (England has its traditions, like nice sit-down family meals on Sundays, which are usually a roast of some kind but not always), or having one of my favourite meals ready when I get home from work.
I appreciate the sentiment, but I wish they wouldn't.
Twelve weeks. My aunt's waiting list for her surgery is twelve weeks.
If I can make it until then without slipping up, I'll be down to the home stretch.
I can do it. WE can do it.
And I don't need surgery to stop myself.
Starve on.
Vee xox
Friday, 1 May 2009
Meanwhile, back at the ranch...
I just got home from work. I feel like I'm going to die, be sick, or my head is going to explode. Probably all three.
I just drank a shitton of salty ass water, thank god for the lemon juice - it REALLY helps, girls!
Once the show is over, I'm going to consume some carbs as per some useful advice from a fellow migraine sufferer, and hope that it manages to bring said migraine down from a scream to a whisper.
Meanwhile, I am ransacking the house searching in vain to see if my aunt's partner has any long-forgotten migraine meds stashed somewhere.
I'm guessing not, since she took MY last two pills last week.
Wish me luck.
Also, wondering why I just got home from work, realized I hadn't taken The Pill this morning, swallowed it and then chased it with saltwater. Obviously, explosive.. evacuation.. or orifices... is not conducive to actually absorbing the hormones.
Whatever, it's not like I've been laid in over a fucking year anyway.
Yes, really.
But that's a whole nother story.
Excuse me whilst I go writhe in pain for a while.
I just drank a shitton of salty ass water, thank god for the lemon juice - it REALLY helps, girls!
Once the show is over, I'm going to consume some carbs as per some useful advice from a fellow migraine sufferer, and hope that it manages to bring said migraine down from a scream to a whisper.
Meanwhile, I am ransacking the house searching in vain to see if my aunt's partner has any long-forgotten migraine meds stashed somewhere.
I'm guessing not, since she took MY last two pills last week.
Wish me luck.
Also, wondering why I just got home from work, realized I hadn't taken The Pill this morning, swallowed it and then chased it with saltwater. Obviously, explosive.. evacuation.. or orifices... is not conducive to actually absorbing the hormones.
Whatever, it's not like I've been laid in over a fucking year anyway.
Yes, really.
But that's a whole nother story.
Excuse me whilst I go writhe in pain for a while.
An Unfortunate Development
I suffer from migraines. Migraines that are a bitch. I get them for various reasons. Like really strong coffee or super strong scents over a long period of time. Feta Cheese. Cigarette smoke in large doses. These are a few triggers that I know of.
I also get migraines for no reason. Yay! /sarcasm
Low blood sugar is sometimes one of them, although usually I just get really fatigued, which I can deal with, because I'm exhausted a good 96% of the time and I am not even kidding.
Whatever the reason, I'm not feeling well right now. What started out as a nagging headache over one eye (that I presumed was just a dehydration headache, or from staring at my computer screen at work or something) is now getting more severe. The telltale sign that it's trying to turn into a migraine though? The nausea. When I get a migraine I also get really sick, sometimes to the point of vomiting. Right now, I feel sick and dizzy and lightheaded, and my head hurts. All of these are symptoms preceding a migraine attack for me.
I know it's bad for you, but I've popped 3 paracetimols on an empty stomach hoping that it will get rid of it, but I do not have high hopes. I'm out of migraine meds and can't pick up some more until I go to Tesco this weekend. I am so very, utterly screwed.
Part of me wants to eat something to try and boost my blood sugar levels and hope that stops this turning into a full blown, face-eating attack. But I want to stay strong. At this point, I don't know if I'll be able to last the whole day on no food at all.
I'm in so much pain, I wish I could just curl up and pass out and wait for it to pass.
I also get migraines for no reason. Yay! /sarcasm
Low blood sugar is sometimes one of them, although usually I just get really fatigued, which I can deal with, because I'm exhausted a good 96% of the time and I am not even kidding.
Whatever the reason, I'm not feeling well right now. What started out as a nagging headache over one eye (that I presumed was just a dehydration headache, or from staring at my computer screen at work or something) is now getting more severe. The telltale sign that it's trying to turn into a migraine though? The nausea. When I get a migraine I also get really sick, sometimes to the point of vomiting. Right now, I feel sick and dizzy and lightheaded, and my head hurts. All of these are symptoms preceding a migraine attack for me.
I know it's bad for you, but I've popped 3 paracetimols on an empty stomach hoping that it will get rid of it, but I do not have high hopes. I'm out of migraine meds and can't pick up some more until I go to Tesco this weekend. I am so very, utterly screwed.
Part of me wants to eat something to try and boost my blood sugar levels and hope that stops this turning into a full blown, face-eating attack. But I want to stay strong. At this point, I don't know if I'll be able to last the whole day on no food at all.
I'm in so much pain, I wish I could just curl up and pass out and wait for it to pass.
The Update You've Been Waiting For
So it seems yesterday was a craptastic day for nearly everyone. What is it about the end of the month that sends us crazy? We'll probably never know, but I gotta say, almost EVERYbody I know (which means people "in person" as well as internet friends and bloggers) had a crappy day yesterday.
Suddenly I don't feel so alone in my shittaliciousness.
So, last night.
I got a text message from my aunt just after 4 yesterday afternoon, telling me that we were meeting some friends for dinner. I was supposed to be working overtime until 6:30, which I had told her the night before (but, I won't pretend she actually remembers ANYthing that I say to her, so I can't honestly say I'm surprised). So, I immediately texted back asking what time we were meeting, because I was supposed to work late.
No answer. So I tried calling the house, no answer (they both had appointments with their surgeons about the gastric bypass surgery, and were still at the hospital. My aunt's was a kind of preop, her partner's was basically just to find out if the doctor would agree to do it. Both went well for them, incidentally). Called my aunt's mobile phone, it was turned off. Called her partner's phone, no answer.
So I was at work thinking, well this is fucking great. Springing on me that we're going out, without telling me when or where, without giving me a god damn chance to find out if I can even get off work. I hate it when she does this, she always just assumes I can leave whenever I want to. A couple of weeks ago she called me at 4pm to say "I'm outside to pick you up" so I had to rush to get out. Nevermind that leaving before 5 is supposed to be agreed with your manager here. And that I was supposed to do an hour and a half fucking overtime. Sigh.
So last night was more of the same. It wasn't a case of "we're going out to dinner, and you can come if you really want to" it was a "we're meeting S and H for dinner tonight" meaning, I'm expected to be there.
So FINALLY she texted back saying I had to be home by 6, which meant I had to take off at 5. I knew I could skip out an hour earlier because one hour of the overtime I was doing was for another team entirely and I just emailed them to say I can't do it. MY team, however... my manager had already put through my hour and a half of overtime onto the HR overtime system. Which meant, it was definitely going to be paid in May's pay, whether I worked it or not. And if I didn't, I'd be in shit and probably not allowed to do overtime anymore. And I really need the money.
Luckily, my manager is awesome. To be honest, the last two managers I've had have been amazing and wonderfully friendly people. So I just told him I had to leave, and asked if I could make up the extra half hour tomorrow (today), and he was nice and basically said yep that was perfectly okay. SO I'm safe, and just finished doing that half hour about 4 minutes ago.
So, I got home, had a chance to change my shoes and fix my makeup, and we were off to the restaurant. And by restaurant, what I really mean is pub.
I got a large diet coke and drank half of it before the meal, trying to fill up on fluids before we ordered. Everyone else was having a carvery so, two kinds of meat plus yorkshire puddings, stuffing, veggies and gravy. I *could* conceivably have gotten away with filling up on veggies and leaving the meat, but the last time we went there I had the carvery and it was fucking disgusting. I mean, who has fucking MUSHY PEAS with roast beef and gravy!?
Of course, I don't like mushy peas (or really, any kind of peas) at the best of times.
So, I thought I'd order a salad or a fish dish. Exept, when we got there I quickly realized, this is a PUB not a swanky restaurant where they'll have grilled tuna salad on the menu. They had fish and chips and breaded prawns and that kind of crap, but everything was deep fried. And the salads were horrendous. Bad times.
So in the end I ordered some roast chicken, because it was probably the healthiest, not-fried-in-fat thing on the menu. And some garlic bread, which I admit right off the bat was bad, but I was craving it and couldn't say no.
When the food came, it wasn't too bad... I gave my aunt half the garlic bread and nibbledon mine. Picked apart the chicken and ate some of the meat. Had a couple pieces of carrots and forkfuls of mashed potato.
BUT, I think I overdid it with the chicken, and felt really sick after I'd eaten. I haven't eaten much proper food in the past week, and my stomach wasn't used to the feeling. It almost hurt, even though I know I didn't overstuff myself or anything.
I have no excuses. I ate too much chicken and I shouldn't have had garlic bread. So it was my own fault, and I felt really shitty for it yesterday. After we ate, S (my aunt's work-mate's husband, who we're all good buddies with) kept pestering me to get dessert. And dessert at this place isn't "two scoops of fat-free vanilla ice cream" or "three scoops of mango sorbet". Dessert at this place consists of the most fat-filled chocolate-monstrosities of cakes. The last time we went there, I will admit that I had dessert, but I was in a bingeful period at the time. It was a chocolate fudge cake with a scoop of vanilla ice cream and hot chocolate sauce. And that was probably the healthiest thing on the dessert menu, I shit you not. You should have seen the cake my aunts had that time. A big chocolate cake, covered in tons of icing, with maltesers, flakes, bits of broken up mars bars and curly wurlies, and fuck knows what else.
I couldn't eat that even on a fat day.
Eventually I told S to fuck off, I'd already "ruined my diet" and did not need more shit in my body, and he finally shut up.
I Felt really sick and had to excuse myself to the bathroom, thinking I was going to throw it back up again. I thought it was probably a mental reaction to eating mashed potatoes - I've felt sick after eating them ever since I made some creamy ones several weeks ago and immediately threw up more forcefully than I have ever thrown up (except that time I had bad food poisoning from fish, bad times). Luckily, I managed to keep it down. Starving myself is fine and almost enjoyable and as I said before brings a euphoric feeling. But I refuse to let Mia into my life, so I struggled to hold my shit together even though I was genuinely feeling nauseous, and not just sticking my fingers down my throat.
When we got home I immediately went to bed. I was exhausted and I felt sick.
But this morning I woke up and it is a new day. Yesterday is a complete write-off, and I'm up a full pound from yesterday morning. I was expecting it though, expecting worse, so I'm not as upset about it as I probably should be. Today is a new day, and I'm happy to spend a day undoing yesterday's damage.
That said, today is a fast day. Water, strawberry tea, and maybe some coke zero, are all that is on the menu. And when I get home tonight, I'm going to try another saltwater flush, but with more sea salt this time. Hopefully it works this time =/
All that aside, I'm getting my hair done tomorrow. I have light blonde highlights and should have had my roots done like six weeks ago, so I'm going for a touch-up and a cut (and by cut I really mean a slight trim and some more added layers). If my stylist (and another one of my aunt's friends, who owns her own salon, so it's awesome and she's pretty cheap =]) has the time, I might get a full colour done to lighten up my "base" colour a little and then have highlights done on top of it. We'll see.
I'm sure there was something else I was going to write about, but I can't remember. So, more later.
Love you girls. And I know a lot of us fucked up yesterday, but today is a new day, a new month. Let's use May to kick some serious ass.
Vee xox
ps: I've ordered a book called "Hungry Girls: 200 recipes under 200 calories" from Amazon along with my ED books and tarot cards. Once it comes I'll start cross-posting the recipes onto my foodblog =] So there will be a lot more content over there soon!
Suddenly I don't feel so alone in my shittaliciousness.
So, last night.
I got a text message from my aunt just after 4 yesterday afternoon, telling me that we were meeting some friends for dinner. I was supposed to be working overtime until 6:30, which I had told her the night before (but, I won't pretend she actually remembers ANYthing that I say to her, so I can't honestly say I'm surprised). So, I immediately texted back asking what time we were meeting, because I was supposed to work late.
No answer. So I tried calling the house, no answer (they both had appointments with their surgeons about the gastric bypass surgery, and were still at the hospital. My aunt's was a kind of preop, her partner's was basically just to find out if the doctor would agree to do it. Both went well for them, incidentally). Called my aunt's mobile phone, it was turned off. Called her partner's phone, no answer.
So I was at work thinking, well this is fucking great. Springing on me that we're going out, without telling me when or where, without giving me a god damn chance to find out if I can even get off work. I hate it when she does this, she always just assumes I can leave whenever I want to. A couple of weeks ago she called me at 4pm to say "I'm outside to pick you up" so I had to rush to get out. Nevermind that leaving before 5 is supposed to be agreed with your manager here. And that I was supposed to do an hour and a half fucking overtime. Sigh.
So last night was more of the same. It wasn't a case of "we're going out to dinner, and you can come if you really want to" it was a "we're meeting S and H for dinner tonight" meaning, I'm expected to be there.
So FINALLY she texted back saying I had to be home by 6, which meant I had to take off at 5. I knew I could skip out an hour earlier because one hour of the overtime I was doing was for another team entirely and I just emailed them to say I can't do it. MY team, however... my manager had already put through my hour and a half of overtime onto the HR overtime system. Which meant, it was definitely going to be paid in May's pay, whether I worked it or not. And if I didn't, I'd be in shit and probably not allowed to do overtime anymore. And I really need the money.
Luckily, my manager is awesome. To be honest, the last two managers I've had have been amazing and wonderfully friendly people. So I just told him I had to leave, and asked if I could make up the extra half hour tomorrow (today), and he was nice and basically said yep that was perfectly okay. SO I'm safe, and just finished doing that half hour about 4 minutes ago.
So, I got home, had a chance to change my shoes and fix my makeup, and we were off to the restaurant. And by restaurant, what I really mean is pub.
I got a large diet coke and drank half of it before the meal, trying to fill up on fluids before we ordered. Everyone else was having a carvery so, two kinds of meat plus yorkshire puddings, stuffing, veggies and gravy. I *could* conceivably have gotten away with filling up on veggies and leaving the meat, but the last time we went there I had the carvery and it was fucking disgusting. I mean, who has fucking MUSHY PEAS with roast beef and gravy!?
Of course, I don't like mushy peas (or really, any kind of peas) at the best of times.
So, I thought I'd order a salad or a fish dish. Exept, when we got there I quickly realized, this is a PUB not a swanky restaurant where they'll have grilled tuna salad on the menu. They had fish and chips and breaded prawns and that kind of crap, but everything was deep fried. And the salads were horrendous. Bad times.
So in the end I ordered some roast chicken, because it was probably the healthiest, not-fried-in-fat thing on the menu. And some garlic bread, which I admit right off the bat was bad, but I was craving it and couldn't say no.
When the food came, it wasn't too bad... I gave my aunt half the garlic bread and nibbledon mine. Picked apart the chicken and ate some of the meat. Had a couple pieces of carrots and forkfuls of mashed potato.
BUT, I think I overdid it with the chicken, and felt really sick after I'd eaten. I haven't eaten much proper food in the past week, and my stomach wasn't used to the feeling. It almost hurt, even though I know I didn't overstuff myself or anything.
I have no excuses. I ate too much chicken and I shouldn't have had garlic bread. So it was my own fault, and I felt really shitty for it yesterday. After we ate, S (my aunt's work-mate's husband, who we're all good buddies with) kept pestering me to get dessert. And dessert at this place isn't "two scoops of fat-free vanilla ice cream" or "three scoops of mango sorbet". Dessert at this place consists of the most fat-filled chocolate-monstrosities of cakes. The last time we went there, I will admit that I had dessert, but I was in a bingeful period at the time. It was a chocolate fudge cake with a scoop of vanilla ice cream and hot chocolate sauce. And that was probably the healthiest thing on the dessert menu, I shit you not. You should have seen the cake my aunts had that time. A big chocolate cake, covered in tons of icing, with maltesers, flakes, bits of broken up mars bars and curly wurlies, and fuck knows what else.
I couldn't eat that even on a fat day.
Eventually I told S to fuck off, I'd already "ruined my diet" and did not need more shit in my body, and he finally shut up.
I Felt really sick and had to excuse myself to the bathroom, thinking I was going to throw it back up again. I thought it was probably a mental reaction to eating mashed potatoes - I've felt sick after eating them ever since I made some creamy ones several weeks ago and immediately threw up more forcefully than I have ever thrown up (except that time I had bad food poisoning from fish, bad times). Luckily, I managed to keep it down. Starving myself is fine and almost enjoyable and as I said before brings a euphoric feeling. But I refuse to let Mia into my life, so I struggled to hold my shit together even though I was genuinely feeling nauseous, and not just sticking my fingers down my throat.
When we got home I immediately went to bed. I was exhausted and I felt sick.
But this morning I woke up and it is a new day. Yesterday is a complete write-off, and I'm up a full pound from yesterday morning. I was expecting it though, expecting worse, so I'm not as upset about it as I probably should be. Today is a new day, and I'm happy to spend a day undoing yesterday's damage.
That said, today is a fast day. Water, strawberry tea, and maybe some coke zero, are all that is on the menu. And when I get home tonight, I'm going to try another saltwater flush, but with more sea salt this time. Hopefully it works this time =/
All that aside, I'm getting my hair done tomorrow. I have light blonde highlights and should have had my roots done like six weeks ago, so I'm going for a touch-up and a cut (and by cut I really mean a slight trim and some more added layers). If my stylist (and another one of my aunt's friends, who owns her own salon, so it's awesome and she's pretty cheap =]) has the time, I might get a full colour done to lighten up my "base" colour a little and then have highlights done on top of it. We'll see.
I'm sure there was something else I was going to write about, but I can't remember. So, more later.
Love you girls. And I know a lot of us fucked up yesterday, but today is a new day, a new month. Let's use May to kick some serious ass.
Vee xox
ps: I've ordered a book called "Hungry Girls: 200 recipes under 200 calories" from Amazon along with my ED books and tarot cards. Once it comes I'll start cross-posting the recipes onto my foodblog =] So there will be a lot more content over there soon!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
