I'm still struggling, with everything. I guess that, even though it's been two years since I last posted here, everything about me and my life is the same. I honestly barely even remember the last couple of years. Which I think is just more proof that the nothing I'm doing with my life means that every day, month, year is just a blur of the same following the same following the same.
I've considered coming back here a lot over the last two years. Part of the reason I didn't was that I became so out of the loop, so detached and outside of this community and all of the bloggers I used to read and speak to. It just felt awkward to come back, to leave for so long and then turn up with excuses as to why I left in the first place and why absolutely nothing about my life has changed during my mega-hiatus.
The truth is that I have no excuses. My constant whirlwind of depression and self-hatred is doing its best to isolate me, and the truth is simply that I let it. And I'm not sure whether or not I even care anymore. Or have I just accepted that, well, this is it.
If it was over tomorrow, I think I would be relieved. I like to believe in reincarnation, the subject has always fascinated me - but I also think that the need to believe is to make myself feel better. To think that, I failed and gave up on this life, this incarnation of myself, so completely... but it doesn't matter. Because next time I can do it right. Next time I can be born as somebody different, into a body and a personality that is inherently better than the life I've lived this time around. The thought is comforting to me. That however bad we have it this time, karma will make up for it next time.
In my next life, I will be beautiful, I will be outgoing and interesting and creative and motivated and driven and passionate. In my next life, I will be loved and I will have dreams and I will achieve them. In my next life I will be everything I always wanted. This life is a writeoff, the next one is where it's at.
I appreciate that I'm deluding myself. I'm making excuses as to why I haven't ever really tried to make something of myself, to figure my life out. It's like the smoker whose New Year's resolution every single year is to quit, and then every single July says to himself "ah well, it's too late for this year. I'll enjoy myself and make it count next year. Next year is my year." I know what a hypocrite I am. I know that my life is within my own power, to make of it and of myself what I want and desire.
My point is that I don't care.
So all of that is to say that I'm back here. I need community and I need somewhere that I can write and be honest. I hung around Tumblr quite a lot the past couple years, but the problem with Tumblr is that I don't have the anonymity that I need to really be honest. I can only be honest with myself when I don't have to account to other people around me who know me. I have friends who follow me on Tumblr, friends who should understand the things I feel but who attack me in passive-aggressive posts when I dare make an honest post about my feelings.
This blog started off as just another weight loss/ed blog, but it's always been about my life and feelings in general. Sometimes just being honest and writing can be cathartic. So this is how it will remain. I'm not going to bother with weight loss trackers and goals and numbers, because I don't want judgement or competition. If you want to take this journey with me, then I more than appreciate the company. I just don't feel like being specific this time around. In part because I don't have a scale anymore. But I completely digress.
Part of me wants to change the title of my blog because although the theme is still relevant I'm not sure the actual words themselves speak to the truth of myself and how I feel. More Dead but More Alive. I haven't felt so numb and cynical in years. It's the "more alive" part I take issue with. But I guess it can stay. It can remain a mantra for how I want to feel. How I might feel if ever I can beat my own apathy into submission and take some real control over my life.
But I'm rambling. I'll stop here, but... I'm back. Or at least I hope to be.
And guys, I missed you.
Monday, 11 August 2014
Tuesday, 14 February 2012
Day One
It’s funny. When my life gets real, or harder than usual, or frustrating, or I get stuck in a rut and don’t know what the fuck I want to do with my life, or feel lost and alone and dazed and confused… I want to run here more than anything else. There’s only so much that I can say, a limit to how honest I can be on personal blogs, on Twitter, on Facebook, et al. There’s nobody in my life that I can be completely 100% honest with about my feelings. Even food struggles aside, I’ve been feeling increasingly lost and alone and there’s nobody that I can really vent to, to be honest with, whose shoulder I can cry on unconditionally. This blog, in all its circle of understanding and anonymity, is my safe haven.
And yet, I disappear. For months on end. And even I have no idea why. I have full intentions of blogging daily, whether it be about the ED circle or just about life in general and the struggles I’m having internally on a daily basis. Yet invariably, I don’t. I can tell myself I don’t have the time, or I don’t know what to write, but let’s be honest – those things hardly stop me when I really need or want to write. And I’ve needed and wanted to write for months now but just… haven’t. Apathy maybe? Perhaps I’m basking in my sense of disorientation. I feel I don’t deserve the support that I know I will get here.
I guess this is all to say, I’m back, and it’s far later than it should have been. To kick off the blog again, I’m going to attempt to throw myself into ABC again. With all the other bullshit-and-absolutely-nothing going on in my life, concentrating so heavily on this one little 50 day goal might help me keep my head above water. I need something to provide me with focus, and god knows nothing else in my life is providing it.
So far today has been a good day. I have two thirds of a pot of porridge this morning (which, might I say, was disgusting. I hate the texture of that stuff) to total me approximately 140 calories. Day one is 500, so I have an even 360 to last me the rest of the day. Honestly though I don’t even want to eat anything. I’m not hungry, physically or craving in my mind.
All I want to do is go home, climb into bed with my purring kitten, and be dead to the world for twelve hours, until I’m forced to get up and do it all over again. The blanket of despair and self-hatred that covers me at this time is thicker than it has been in a long, long while. It’s all the better for hibernating against the cold snap that’s hit England lately. And hibernating I have been. And in all likelihood, will continue to do. Until I can snap myself out of this deep depression enough to give a shit about anything in my life again, anyway.
We shall see.
Love you all.
V
And yet, I disappear. For months on end. And even I have no idea why. I have full intentions of blogging daily, whether it be about the ED circle or just about life in general and the struggles I’m having internally on a daily basis. Yet invariably, I don’t. I can tell myself I don’t have the time, or I don’t know what to write, but let’s be honest – those things hardly stop me when I really need or want to write. And I’ve needed and wanted to write for months now but just… haven’t. Apathy maybe? Perhaps I’m basking in my sense of disorientation. I feel I don’t deserve the support that I know I will get here.
I guess this is all to say, I’m back, and it’s far later than it should have been. To kick off the blog again, I’m going to attempt to throw myself into ABC again. With all the other bullshit-and-absolutely-nothing going on in my life, concentrating so heavily on this one little 50 day goal might help me keep my head above water. I need something to provide me with focus, and god knows nothing else in my life is providing it.
So far today has been a good day. I have two thirds of a pot of porridge this morning (which, might I say, was disgusting. I hate the texture of that stuff) to total me approximately 140 calories. Day one is 500, so I have an even 360 to last me the rest of the day. Honestly though I don’t even want to eat anything. I’m not hungry, physically or craving in my mind.
All I want to do is go home, climb into bed with my purring kitten, and be dead to the world for twelve hours, until I’m forced to get up and do it all over again. The blanket of despair and self-hatred that covers me at this time is thicker than it has been in a long, long while. It’s all the better for hibernating against the cold snap that’s hit England lately. And hibernating I have been. And in all likelihood, will continue to do. Until I can snap myself out of this deep depression enough to give a shit about anything in my life again, anyway.
We shall see.
Love you all.
V
Tuesday, 14 June 2011
PS
Oh also. I've been stressing myself out even more than usual lately. A large part of me wants to move back to Canada. I miss *everything* and constantly I find myself pining to be there. I've even been online looking for cheap basement suite apartments and seeing if there are any vacancies in my hometown within the company I currently work for, so I could just move internally rather than starting a whole new job hunt. (unfortunately that won't happen as the branch we have in my hometown is in a different job/area of the business from the one I work in now, and they require a college degree and/or 2 years experience in the particular field for the job - neither of which I have)
But then again, if I did go back I'd be leaving behind my family here - particularly my aunt who is my best friend and second mother, my grandfather who is in heart failure and could die any day or live another ten years because who the fuck knows, not the doctors anyway. I'd have to deal with being homesick for my family and handful of friends over here, and also all of the fucking drama bullshit that comes with living in the same city as my mother and her asshole husband, who I cannot and have never been able to stand.
Maybe I should stop stressing and just see how my month over there goes. If I really REALLY want to stay... fuck it I don't know.
The ideal solution would be to get two flexible jobs and live 6 months there and 6 months here and just work both places so I have money and can actually pay my bills (luckily I have dual citizenship and can legally work both in the UK and Canada, so this is actually a feasible option, depending on how flexible potential employers are willing to be). But I doubt my current employer would go for that (they have a limit on taking a leave of absence for 3 consecutive months) and it'd be even harder to find another company in Canada that would.
But then again, if I did go back I'd be leaving behind my family here - particularly my aunt who is my best friend and second mother, my grandfather who is in heart failure and could die any day or live another ten years because who the fuck knows, not the doctors anyway. I'd have to deal with being homesick for my family and handful of friends over here, and also all of the fucking drama bullshit that comes with living in the same city as my mother and her asshole husband, who I cannot and have never been able to stand.
Maybe I should stop stressing and just see how my month over there goes. If I really REALLY want to stay... fuck it I don't know.
The ideal solution would be to get two flexible jobs and live 6 months there and 6 months here and just work both places so I have money and can actually pay my bills (luckily I have dual citizenship and can legally work both in the UK and Canada, so this is actually a feasible option, depending on how flexible potential employers are willing to be). But I doubt my current employer would go for that (they have a limit on taking a leave of absence for 3 consecutive months) and it'd be even harder to find another company in Canada that would.
Basically I fail at blogging
Yeah.
So I'm still here. Although by here I mean alive and in a physical sense. I haven't been on blogger in forever and haven't managed to keep up with your blogs anymore than I have my own. So, I feel bad about that.
Life is such a pain in the ass. I don't know... on the one hand, I could definitely have it worse. But on the other I'm constantly under stress. Home life, work life, personal-life, home-life-that-isn't-even-in-this-effing-country.
Wanna have a laugh? I went to my doctor several months ago about not being able to sleep and always being tired. It culminated in her giving me one of those shortform depression tests and then telling me I'm on the borderline but she doesn't think I'm depressed. Even though basically every day I have an internal monologue shouting how much I hate myself and my everything, and that though I'm not brave-stupid-strong enough to do anything to myself actively, I wouldn't be opposed to say, finding out too late that I have a brain tumour the size of a grapefruit and maybe three days to live.
Wait did I already blog about the doctor appointment before? I can't remember.
But this leads me nicely onto the fact that my headaches are maybe getting worse? I mean, for as long as I can remember I've suffered from migraines and headaches, but lately it seems like every other day I'm going to bed early with a belly full of painkillers and a cold wet cloth over my forehead because I'm in near constant agony. My grandmother keeps telling me to go to the doctor and that my paternal grandma (my dad's mom whom I never met) died of brain cancer (though she often changes this up to breast cancer when she presses me to tell my doctor I need to go for mammograms at 25 years old so who the fuck knows).
My doctor will just tell me, ohey be dehydrated less and sleep more and stress less and buy this over the counter migraine medication that only sometimes works and which I have already been using for eight or nine years.
One can hope.
Anyway, I had planned on just posting here as a quick update to say hi, I'm here, kind of. But as usual it turns into a whinefest of self-deprication and hatred.
Whatever.
I'll be back at some point, I'm sure. But I have no idea when. I just have no motivation for anything right now (oh the lulz, right now, as if I ever have), including keeping a blog about how much I hate everything but mostly me.
All that being said, I hope you are all well, and happy, and achieving your goals. But mostly happy.
Vee xox
So I'm still here. Although by here I mean alive and in a physical sense. I haven't been on blogger in forever and haven't managed to keep up with your blogs anymore than I have my own. So, I feel bad about that.
Life is such a pain in the ass. I don't know... on the one hand, I could definitely have it worse. But on the other I'm constantly under stress. Home life, work life, personal-life, home-life-that-isn't-even-in-this-effing-country.
Wanna have a laugh? I went to my doctor several months ago about not being able to sleep and always being tired. It culminated in her giving me one of those shortform depression tests and then telling me I'm on the borderline but she doesn't think I'm depressed. Even though basically every day I have an internal monologue shouting how much I hate myself and my everything, and that though I'm not brave-stupid-strong enough to do anything to myself actively, I wouldn't be opposed to say, finding out too late that I have a brain tumour the size of a grapefruit and maybe three days to live.
Wait did I already blog about the doctor appointment before? I can't remember.
But this leads me nicely onto the fact that my headaches are maybe getting worse? I mean, for as long as I can remember I've suffered from migraines and headaches, but lately it seems like every other day I'm going to bed early with a belly full of painkillers and a cold wet cloth over my forehead because I'm in near constant agony. My grandmother keeps telling me to go to the doctor and that my paternal grandma (my dad's mom whom I never met) died of brain cancer (though she often changes this up to breast cancer when she presses me to tell my doctor I need to go for mammograms at 25 years old so who the fuck knows).
My doctor will just tell me, ohey be dehydrated less and sleep more and stress less and buy this over the counter migraine medication that only sometimes works and which I have already been using for eight or nine years.
One can hope.
Anyway, I had planned on just posting here as a quick update to say hi, I'm here, kind of. But as usual it turns into a whinefest of self-deprication and hatred.
Whatever.
I'll be back at some point, I'm sure. But I have no idea when. I just have no motivation for anything right now (oh the lulz, right now, as if I ever have), including keeping a blog about how much I hate everything but mostly me.
All that being said, I hope you are all well, and happy, and achieving your goals. But mostly happy.
Vee xox
Monday, 7 February 2011
Meelodramatic? Maybe
Of all the things I have done in my life, this is by far the hardest.
I just hit the halfway point. I don't know if I can do this.
I just hit the halfway point. I don't know if I can do this.
Eeeugh
I actually feel sick now. Jesus Christ. I'm maybe a quarter to a third of the way through the bottle.
Crap
...Now I want quorn chilli and rice.
But no. I'm having a liquid fast week.
Only soup and lots of beverages. Whoo!
ps my mouth is still on fire. Thank god I'm not call taking today.
But no. I'm having a liquid fast week.
Only soup and lots of beverages. Whoo!
ps my mouth is still on fire. Thank god I'm not call taking today.
Bottom's Up
I just made the most disgusting looking concoction of ice cold water, lemon juice, ground cinnamon, cayenne and hot chilli powder – to boost my metabolism. And now I’m going to make myself drink it.
Ohmygodohmygodohmygod. Too much chilli powder. Aaaaagh. I can feel the spice in my sinuses and ear canals. Ffff.
Also might I add that I’m at work. Jesus I’m an idiot sometimes. Asdpihasbdapbsi my mouth and throat are on fire.
This had SO better be worth it.
Ohmygodohmygodohmygod. Too much chilli powder. Aaaaagh. I can feel the spice in my sinuses and ear canals. Ffff.
Also might I add that I’m at work. Jesus I’m an idiot sometimes. Asdpihasbdapbsi my mouth and throat are on fire.
This had SO better be worth it.
Wednesday, 12 January 2011
Twenty Eleven
5lbs down for the year so far. A decent start. I guess.
I have my monthly weigh in with the nurse at my GP on Friday. I’m oddly nervous.
On the one hand I don’t want the scales to show I haven’t lost enough weight for her liking. I don’t want to be a failure. I like that I have to be accountable for my weight to somebody else. It’s more motivating than doing this just for me, if that makes any sense at all. But on the other hand, I don’t want her to become concerned if I’ve lost weight too fast either. I can’t remember what I weighed at my last weigh in, just what I was near the beginning of the year. So I’m not sure how much I’ve lost in the last four weeks. I also don’t like somebody outside of my circle of trust and control and anonymity knowing my exact numbers to the nearest tenth of a kilogram.
Sigh. I just don’t even know. 5lbs of loss in under 2 weeks doesn’t feel good enough to me. But it’s a start, I guess.
So, what else? I probably have a lot of catching up to do but everything seems insignificant right now. It’s not that there’s anything profound playing on my mind or anything, it’s just the same old, same old.
This week I booked a month off work this summer to go back home for Canada to visit. Originally it was going to be for 2 weeks but it was only £50 more expensive for four, so I’m going for it. I’ll be broke (I have a Cruise in October to save up for as well =/) but at least I’ll be there.
Guh I’m so effing exhausted, but I’m gonna try to get my head into my work so the day doesn’t drag. All I want is to be back home in bed right now. I’ve had a viral chest infection for well over a month now, and more recently a cold on top of it. I feel miserable and just want to curl up with my hot water bottle and sleep it away. Sleep my life away.
So. There you go, a quick update. I’m going to go try to find some coffee now. I’m supposed to be going to the pub at lunch with some friends from work, but I don’t want to break my decent streak so far this week (Monday all I ate was some salad in the evening so negligible calories, yesterday I had a blueberry muffin after work for a total 300ish calories) so I’m probably going to tell them I’m sick and don’t want food and just get a diet pepsi to sip instead.
Saturday night we’re supposed to be getting pizza and having a little birthday “not-party” for my aunt’s new friend in the psych ward she’s confined to (did I ever write to tell you guys that my aunt has been living in the psych ward for the past nearly 4 months?). It’s this other woman’s birthday but she has nobody and isn’t allowed leave so we’re going up there. Or, we’re meant to be. I might skip out and just stay home where I can starve in peace.
I should probably hate that this is making me an even more solitary creature but honestly I just don’t even care. I just want to be left alone. My online friends are enough company for me right now, and even some of them I’m getting annoyed with. A two hour skype session with my best friend and his family is enough social interaction for the week. God, how lame do I sound right now?
Whatever.
Back to work. Stay beautiful, dolls.
Vee xox
I have my monthly weigh in with the nurse at my GP on Friday. I’m oddly nervous.
On the one hand I don’t want the scales to show I haven’t lost enough weight for her liking. I don’t want to be a failure. I like that I have to be accountable for my weight to somebody else. It’s more motivating than doing this just for me, if that makes any sense at all. But on the other hand, I don’t want her to become concerned if I’ve lost weight too fast either. I can’t remember what I weighed at my last weigh in, just what I was near the beginning of the year. So I’m not sure how much I’ve lost in the last four weeks. I also don’t like somebody outside of my circle of trust and control and anonymity knowing my exact numbers to the nearest tenth of a kilogram.
Sigh. I just don’t even know. 5lbs of loss in under 2 weeks doesn’t feel good enough to me. But it’s a start, I guess.
So, what else? I probably have a lot of catching up to do but everything seems insignificant right now. It’s not that there’s anything profound playing on my mind or anything, it’s just the same old, same old.
This week I booked a month off work this summer to go back home for Canada to visit. Originally it was going to be for 2 weeks but it was only £50 more expensive for four, so I’m going for it. I’ll be broke (I have a Cruise in October to save up for as well =/) but at least I’ll be there.
Guh I’m so effing exhausted, but I’m gonna try to get my head into my work so the day doesn’t drag. All I want is to be back home in bed right now. I’ve had a viral chest infection for well over a month now, and more recently a cold on top of it. I feel miserable and just want to curl up with my hot water bottle and sleep it away. Sleep my life away.
So. There you go, a quick update. I’m going to go try to find some coffee now. I’m supposed to be going to the pub at lunch with some friends from work, but I don’t want to break my decent streak so far this week (Monday all I ate was some salad in the evening so negligible calories, yesterday I had a blueberry muffin after work for a total 300ish calories) so I’m probably going to tell them I’m sick and don’t want food and just get a diet pepsi to sip instead.
Saturday night we’re supposed to be getting pizza and having a little birthday “not-party” for my aunt’s new friend in the psych ward she’s confined to (did I ever write to tell you guys that my aunt has been living in the psych ward for the past nearly 4 months?). It’s this other woman’s birthday but she has nobody and isn’t allowed leave so we’re going up there. Or, we’re meant to be. I might skip out and just stay home where I can starve in peace.
I should probably hate that this is making me an even more solitary creature but honestly I just don’t even care. I just want to be left alone. My online friends are enough company for me right now, and even some of them I’m getting annoyed with. A two hour skype session with my best friend and his family is enough social interaction for the week. God, how lame do I sound right now?
Whatever.
Back to work. Stay beautiful, dolls.
Vee xox
Friday, 19 November 2010
A New Alli
So. I'll do a major catchup post once I figure out where I'm keeping my blog. So far it seems likely that I'll be staying here but we'll see.
In the meantime, I went to my doctor's office today to have a word with the nurse about weight loss. She weighed me and I'm down about half a pound from when the doctor weighed me on Monday when I went in for some test results, which the nurse said was really good because the scales in the doctor's office tend to weigh lighter than the ones she uses, so I've lost more than what's registered on that. So, yay I guess.
Long story short, I'm going to be taking Orlistat (the prescription drug that's in the over-the-counter drug Alli). She actually asked if I wanted it, so of course I said yes. She told me I need to lose about 12lbs in the first 3 months, and if I don't then there's no point staying on it. I actually laughed. I can lose 12lbs in one month if I stick to it. I lost 14lbs in two and a half weeks on ABC. And dude.. explosive diarrhoea if I don't stick to it is a pretty damn good motivation to actually stick to it, haha. (I'd been contemplating buying Alli over the counter, but it's wicked expensive so I'm going to save shittons of cash on it as well, which is definitely good.) Actions have consequences and instead of just not losing weight, any negative actions with food will have more dire consequences, so I'll be more likely to keep to my restricting and cut fat out of my diet.
Semi-related but the reason I went to the doctor to begin with wasn't actually anything to do with weight. I don't particularly want anybody monitoring my weight because I don't want to wind up in a situation where I'm getting bitched out by my doctor for losing too much too fast (I'm making huge assumptions about my success and will power here but I have to TRY to stay positive, right?).
I went to find out why the fuck I am so goddamn tired and emotional and a basket case but mostly SO TIRED all the time. I can't sleep, when I do sleep I wake up a billion times, and even if I do manage to get a solid few hours without interruption, I still feel just as exhausted as if I'd never gone to bed in the first place. I went in, doctor ordered blood tests and had me fill in a Depression assessment form. My blood tests are completely normal, including thyroid function which I would not have believed because I have the metabolism of a dead snail, and the depression assessment flagged that I am very likely depressed (WHO WOULD HAVE GUESSED!?) but she doesn't think I'm depressed so she's not going to do anything about that. Thanks.
I've had so much fucking stress going on lately, I've actually been feeling like I'm losing my mind. I've been so stressed out and more depressed than I've been in a long time. I've been going to sleep actually praying to the gods I'm not even sure I believe in that I'd just go to sleep and never wake up. The important things in my life are all over the goddamn place right now, spiraling out of control. I haven't even been taking care of myself properly. I went six days last week without showering and washing my hair. I felt disgusting, and the worst part is that I didn't even fucking care. This is SO unlike me. I'm someone who is vain even though I have no reason to be. My hair is my pride and glory. And I just couldn't bring myself to give a shit.
So much for trying to be positive.
So much has been going on. Once I know what I'm doing with the blog I'll fill you in. Ugh.
In the meantime, I went to my doctor's office today to have a word with the nurse about weight loss. She weighed me and I'm down about half a pound from when the doctor weighed me on Monday when I went in for some test results, which the nurse said was really good because the scales in the doctor's office tend to weigh lighter than the ones she uses, so I've lost more than what's registered on that. So, yay I guess.
Long story short, I'm going to be taking Orlistat (the prescription drug that's in the over-the-counter drug Alli). She actually asked if I wanted it, so of course I said yes. She told me I need to lose about 12lbs in the first 3 months, and if I don't then there's no point staying on it. I actually laughed. I can lose 12lbs in one month if I stick to it. I lost 14lbs in two and a half weeks on ABC. And dude.. explosive diarrhoea if I don't stick to it is a pretty damn good motivation to actually stick to it, haha. (I'd been contemplating buying Alli over the counter, but it's wicked expensive so I'm going to save shittons of cash on it as well, which is definitely good.) Actions have consequences and instead of just not losing weight, any negative actions with food will have more dire consequences, so I'll be more likely to keep to my restricting and cut fat out of my diet.
Semi-related but the reason I went to the doctor to begin with wasn't actually anything to do with weight. I don't particularly want anybody monitoring my weight because I don't want to wind up in a situation where I'm getting bitched out by my doctor for losing too much too fast (I'm making huge assumptions about my success and will power here but I have to TRY to stay positive, right?).
I went to find out why the fuck I am so goddamn tired and emotional and a basket case but mostly SO TIRED all the time. I can't sleep, when I do sleep I wake up a billion times, and even if I do manage to get a solid few hours without interruption, I still feel just as exhausted as if I'd never gone to bed in the first place. I went in, doctor ordered blood tests and had me fill in a Depression assessment form. My blood tests are completely normal, including thyroid function which I would not have believed because I have the metabolism of a dead snail, and the depression assessment flagged that I am very likely depressed (WHO WOULD HAVE GUESSED!?) but she doesn't think I'm depressed so she's not going to do anything about that. Thanks.
I've had so much fucking stress going on lately, I've actually been feeling like I'm losing my mind. I've been so stressed out and more depressed than I've been in a long time. I've been going to sleep actually praying to the gods I'm not even sure I believe in that I'd just go to sleep and never wake up. The important things in my life are all over the goddamn place right now, spiraling out of control. I haven't even been taking care of myself properly. I went six days last week without showering and washing my hair. I felt disgusting, and the worst part is that I didn't even fucking care. This is SO unlike me. I'm someone who is vain even though I have no reason to be. My hair is my pride and glory. And I just couldn't bring myself to give a shit.
So much for trying to be positive.
So much has been going on. Once I know what I'm doing with the blog I'll fill you in. Ugh.
Thursday, 18 November 2010
New Poll - Help Me Decide
So. I've put a new poll in my sidebar.
Should I keep my blog here or move it to a new one? I've already registered another one in case, but I can't decide what I want to do.
Little help?
Should I keep my blog here or move it to a new one? I've already registered another one in case, but I can't decide what I want to do.
Little help?
An Unnecessary Revelation
Prawn Cocktail pringles taste the same on the way out as they did on the way in.
Monday, 15 November 2010
Starting Over
I tried.
I tried to be normal. I tried to fit in and not obsess.
I tried to be healthy.
It didn't work.
I'm more stressed and more fucked up than ever.
I need this. It needs me.
I'm starting over. From the beginning.
The only question is where.
I'm debating opening a new blog.
This one is full of so much failure and bullshit.
Do I start with a clean slate? Or embrace the past and move forward here?
Fuck it, I have no idea.
If I open a new blog to start over, the link will be here.
I've missed you all, right down to the bones I wish would show.
I tried to be normal. I tried to fit in and not obsess.
I tried to be healthy.
It didn't work.
I'm more stressed and more fucked up than ever.
I need this. It needs me.
I'm starting over. From the beginning.
The only question is where.
I'm debating opening a new blog.
This one is full of so much failure and bullshit.
Do I start with a clean slate? Or embrace the past and move forward here?
Fuck it, I have no idea.
If I open a new blog to start over, the link will be here.
I've missed you all, right down to the bones I wish would show.
Monday, 7 June 2010
I can't pay my rent but I'm fuckin' gorgeous
Sigh. New favourite song, and I must share it with you all.
I went to see Lady Gaga on Friday night, and her opening act Semi Precious Weapons were amazing and hilarious and the lead singer is sexy as hell in all his made-up glory. He was also insane thinspo because holy shit the legs on that man went on forever and I'm sure he didn't have an ounce of fat on his body.
Click here to see the video for their self-titled song
I can't stop singing it.
The only problem is that it's not really true for me. I *can* pay my rent, but I'm not fucking gorgeous.
One day.
So anyway, as of yesterday I was down a total of 4.2lbs. Yeah that 4lb loss in a day stretched into like three, and then my friend's barbeque was on Saturday and her boyfriend kept making me sample things. Still, I didn't eat a huge amount and maintained Friday's loss through to yesterday. Which was probably aided by the fact that I had a monster headache all day Saturday (and was running on very little sleep) and wound up heading home after 3 hours, which in turn cut down my alcohol caloric consumption to just one drink (pineapple juice, malibu and peach schnapps - which was amazing and summery by the way).
I didn't have time to weigh in today (rather than leaving at 7:30 as per the norm during the week, I had to get up early to leave just after 6:30, after another sleepless night and therefore dragging myself around like a zombie and almost making myself late over stupid shit like not being able to find the hair elastic I used last night so that I could brush my teeth and wash my face this morning etc) so I have no idea where I stand right now.
Regardless, I have a yogurt in my bag and that is all I'm having until I get home. Whoo!
Also, I went shopping yesterday. I seriously have a problem. Here I am, telling myself that I can't afford to buy new clothes yet, I have to wait until I get paid or possibly until I'm in Canada when I will have money TO spend on whatever I want. Then I went to the mall for the weekend's Starbucks (200 calories worth of skinny mocha frapp), needed to go to Paperchase to buy one thing (a mug to keep at work for my green teas and coffee) and wound up spending about £200. £43 and change in Paperchase. £105 in Claire's on tacky jewellery that I thought was too adorable to pass up, and some nail art decal stickers. Another £48 at Clinique on makeup remover and a night cream. And then £12 on a Harley Davidson mug for my aunt as a present since she wanted it.
So, I could have bought a couple new outfits, rather than fifty pairs of earrings and a calculator with Noodle Bear on it. Although, the earrings are fucking adorable, as are the Noodle Bear stuff I got at Paperchase. The only problem is that I'm deluding myself and making plans that aren't going to happen.
See, I bought this adorable Noodle Bear (srsly, google it, adorable) case with a little fork and spoon in it, again for work. And a set of four plastic lidded nestable bowl things. That I fully intended to start bringing lunch into work in, Japanese style, because predictably I am obsessed with Japanese culture.
But even as I trawled the internet for low-calorie low-fat "Bento" recipes (Bento is the Japanese lunchbox, usually made up of 1/2 carbs, 1/4 veggies and 1/4 meat or protein and the average sized 500ml box made up this way is usually *around* 500 calories) I realized that this isn't realistic. Unless I'm going to fill a bowl with negative calorie fruits and veggies and a tiny pot of fat-free vinaigrette to dip it in, this just isn't something I can really do. Even if I were go out and buy the ingredients and spend the time needed at night to cook and in the morning to assemble everything, I wouldn't really be able to eat it. The only way it would be half way acceptible is if I made it the only meal of the day, but I doubt I could get away with having a "decent" lunch and nothing at home - I would inevitably be forced to make something else to eat in the evening.
So, I don't know. I just don't know.
If only I were one of those people with amazing metabolisms who doesn't gain weight at all regardless of what they eat. Sigh.
ANYWAY, how was your weekend??
I went to see Lady Gaga on Friday night, and her opening act Semi Precious Weapons were amazing and hilarious and the lead singer is sexy as hell in all his made-up glory. He was also insane thinspo because holy shit the legs on that man went on forever and I'm sure he didn't have an ounce of fat on his body.
Click here to see the video for their self-titled song
I can't stop singing it.
The only problem is that it's not really true for me. I *can* pay my rent, but I'm not fucking gorgeous.
One day.
So anyway, as of yesterday I was down a total of 4.2lbs. Yeah that 4lb loss in a day stretched into like three, and then my friend's barbeque was on Saturday and her boyfriend kept making me sample things. Still, I didn't eat a huge amount and maintained Friday's loss through to yesterday. Which was probably aided by the fact that I had a monster headache all day Saturday (and was running on very little sleep) and wound up heading home after 3 hours, which in turn cut down my alcohol caloric consumption to just one drink (pineapple juice, malibu and peach schnapps - which was amazing and summery by the way).
I didn't have time to weigh in today (rather than leaving at 7:30 as per the norm during the week, I had to get up early to leave just after 6:30, after another sleepless night and therefore dragging myself around like a zombie and almost making myself late over stupid shit like not being able to find the hair elastic I used last night so that I could brush my teeth and wash my face this morning etc) so I have no idea where I stand right now.
Regardless, I have a yogurt in my bag and that is all I'm having until I get home. Whoo!
Also, I went shopping yesterday. I seriously have a problem. Here I am, telling myself that I can't afford to buy new clothes yet, I have to wait until I get paid or possibly until I'm in Canada when I will have money TO spend on whatever I want. Then I went to the mall for the weekend's Starbucks (200 calories worth of skinny mocha frapp), needed to go to Paperchase to buy one thing (a mug to keep at work for my green teas and coffee) and wound up spending about £200. £43 and change in Paperchase. £105 in Claire's on tacky jewellery that I thought was too adorable to pass up, and some nail art decal stickers. Another £48 at Clinique on makeup remover and a night cream. And then £12 on a Harley Davidson mug for my aunt as a present since she wanted it.
So, I could have bought a couple new outfits, rather than fifty pairs of earrings and a calculator with Noodle Bear on it. Although, the earrings are fucking adorable, as are the Noodle Bear stuff I got at Paperchase. The only problem is that I'm deluding myself and making plans that aren't going to happen.
See, I bought this adorable Noodle Bear (srsly, google it, adorable) case with a little fork and spoon in it, again for work. And a set of four plastic lidded nestable bowl things. That I fully intended to start bringing lunch into work in, Japanese style, because predictably I am obsessed with Japanese culture.
But even as I trawled the internet for low-calorie low-fat "Bento" recipes (Bento is the Japanese lunchbox, usually made up of 1/2 carbs, 1/4 veggies and 1/4 meat or protein and the average sized 500ml box made up this way is usually *around* 500 calories) I realized that this isn't realistic. Unless I'm going to fill a bowl with negative calorie fruits and veggies and a tiny pot of fat-free vinaigrette to dip it in, this just isn't something I can really do. Even if I were go out and buy the ingredients and spend the time needed at night to cook and in the morning to assemble everything, I wouldn't really be able to eat it. The only way it would be half way acceptible is if I made it the only meal of the day, but I doubt I could get away with having a "decent" lunch and nothing at home - I would inevitably be forced to make something else to eat in the evening.
So, I don't know. I just don't know.
If only I were one of those people with amazing metabolisms who doesn't gain weight at all regardless of what they eat. Sigh.
ANYWAY, how was your weekend??
Thursday, 3 June 2010
Of Flukedom?
I was right when I said that yesterday’s random 4lb drop was a fluke. Today, I’m the same weight, no gains or losses, not even in the decimals. Which I guess makes yesterday’s fluke less of a fluke. 4lbs over 2 days is much more reasonable than 4lbs overnight, right? So hopefully it’ll stick and the loss will continue tomorrow.
Just a quick post for now because I’m at work and it’s pretty manic. But I just wanted to update you and also to say HOLY SHIT THE DRAMA. Honestly, you guys, if you could see all the shit going on in my sister and her on-again-off-again-fiancee-who-is-having-a-sex-change-and-his-female-name-is-the-same-as-my-name-but-spelled-slightly-differently’s feeds and comments, you would shit. Like, this is some Jerry Springer level insanity. One innocent wall-post currently has 160+ comments between five people all having a massive go at each other, and him threatening to kill himself (“and maybe my sister”) if people don’t leave him alone.
Holy fucking dramz. Ugh.
In unrelated news, Muller have repromoted their Limited Edition For Summer fat-free Lemon cheesecake yogurt. One pot is 105 calories, but it tastes like HEAVEN, it tastes like cheating, it tastes like ACTUAL LEMON CHEESECAKE, with the base and everything. That’s what I had for dinner last night. A-MAZE-ING.
Just a quick post for now because I’m at work and it’s pretty manic. But I just wanted to update you and also to say HOLY SHIT THE DRAMA. Honestly, you guys, if you could see all the shit going on in my sister and her on-again-off-again-fiancee-who-is-having-a-sex-change-and-his-female-name-is-the-same-as-my-name-but-spelled-slightly-differently’s feeds and comments, you would shit. Like, this is some Jerry Springer level insanity. One innocent wall-post currently has 160+ comments between five people all having a massive go at each other, and him threatening to kill himself (“and maybe my sister”) if people don’t leave him alone.
Holy fucking dramz. Ugh.
In unrelated news, Muller have repromoted their Limited Edition For Summer fat-free Lemon cheesecake yogurt. One pot is 105 calories, but it tastes like HEAVEN, it tastes like cheating, it tastes like ACTUAL LEMON CHEESECAKE, with the base and everything. That’s what I had for dinner last night. A-MAZE-ING.
Wednesday, 2 June 2010
Comment Replies!
@Hanz: Thanks honey! We will definitely get through this. I didn’t even realize I’m technically starting fresh from the 1st of the month, but now I’m seeing it as a clean slate haha. Ugh, I knoow. Milk is DISGUSTING. I do not understand how anybody can drink it voluntarily, especially on its own ughhh. =///
@Ana’s Girl: Yay I’ve missed you also, and I’m so glad you’re back to blogging full time yourself! The yogurt diet seems to be going well so far, with the added excuse that it’s weight-loss-surgeon approved so huzzah! And I’ve found it easier to stick to than I thought I would so far =]
@pokerface: Thanks dude! I miss our random chats before you went to Uni and I dropped off the face of the earth haha. I’m looking forward to keeping up with your blog, and you’re right! I can do this. We can both do this!! We’re awesome, amazing people, and all it takes is a little motivation and will power =]
@Ana’s Girl: Yay I’ve missed you also, and I’m so glad you’re back to blogging full time yourself! The yogurt diet seems to be going well so far, with the added excuse that it’s weight-loss-surgeon approved so huzzah! And I’ve found it easier to stick to than I thought I would so far =]
@pokerface: Thanks dude! I miss our random chats before you went to Uni and I dropped off the face of the earth haha. I’m looking forward to keeping up with your blog, and you’re right! I can do this. We can both do this!! We’re awesome, amazing people, and all it takes is a little motivation and will power =]
Excerpt from a Lunchtime Conversation
“I just took my rent money out, should we just go blow it on alcohol?”
”Hell yes we should!”
”I’ll be all ‘yeah I just took my drug money out and..’ bahahaha drug money?! What the fuck??”
“That’s what the money’s REALLY for isn’t it? The truth just SLIPS OUT THERE!”
”Nonono, ok seriously. So, I got mugged and they stole my drug money—GOD DAMNIT WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME!”
“Hahahahaha”
”No ok seriously, I’m doing this yogurt diet with my aunt and the utter lack of solid food is playing games with my head.”
”Really? I couldn’t not eat. Aw bless, you’re so tired! Can’t you have like, a weight watcher’s meal or something? One meal a day?”
”My one meal a day is the SlimFast, haha.”
”Oh man, I couldn’t do that, if I were on FIRE and I was hungry, I’d have to get something to eat first and then sort out the damage from the flames later.”
”Hahah. Ok so ANYWAY, I’ll say I just took my drug money… AAGHHHHH!”
Random conversation. There’s a JM that I work with and he’s pretty epic. (He's also gorgeous and gay and skinny without even trying and I hate him just a little bit) We just had to go up to Tesco at lunch to get another girl/friend in our team at work a birthday present from our workmates. On the way back, the above conversation happened. And I almost died laughing. For whatever reason, I couldn’t say “rent money” and it kept coming out “drug money” about eight times. And I’ve never done drugs a day in my life, haha. So funny.
So, I’ve told a few friends about this yogurt diet I’m doing with my aunt. It’s funny, actually, because the “diet” itself is sanctioned by a surgeon, even though I’m only taking in between 200-500 calories a day (depending on whether I actually HAVE the slimfast, which I didn’t yesterday), it’s completely okay. My aunt actually suggested I do it with her. Yet earlier in the day she told me not to starve myself to lose weight.
Um, okay.
But yeah… it seems that, as long as something is said to be okay by some manner of medical professional, it’s totally alright and nobody will question that I’m eating nothing but two yogurts a day for days on end. I find that hypocritical, but on the other hand I’m glad about it.
Because right now I don’t actually have to HIDE how little I’m eating. I can be as open as I want to be and admit that I’m craving pineapple in a huge way but can’t have any. I can crack jokes when the girl next to me at work asks me to pass her the biscuit tin, knowing full well I won’t and can’t have a single one. I can be honest about how tired I am and that I’ve got a massive headache from low blood sugar.
But it’s encouraged by weight loss surgeons so it’s okay, don’t worry about me!
You know what though… the absolute BEST part about today (apart from the random 4lb weight loss, which I’m not completely expecting to stick because it’s likely 80% water weight) is that I’m not hungry at all. I’m craving random things, but I’m not giving in, and at least the things I’m craving are healthy things. But I don’t see the point in eating when I’m not hungry anyway, regardless of diets and eating disorders. I’m starving, but I don’t feel hunger. I have no hunger pains. The only negative thing I felt in the abdominal area was tummy ache from the milk products making my stomach upset, and even that’s subsided now.
I’ve had 97 calories and I’m not even hungry!
I am very thirsty though so I’ma go get a drink and get some work done.
Ridin’ the starvation high baby!
”Hell yes we should!”
”I’ll be all ‘yeah I just took my drug money out and..’ bahahaha drug money?! What the fuck??”
“That’s what the money’s REALLY for isn’t it? The truth just SLIPS OUT THERE!”
”Nonono, ok seriously. So, I got mugged and they stole my drug money—GOD DAMNIT WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME!”
“Hahahahaha”
”No ok seriously, I’m doing this yogurt diet with my aunt and the utter lack of solid food is playing games with my head.”
”Really? I couldn’t not eat. Aw bless, you’re so tired! Can’t you have like, a weight watcher’s meal or something? One meal a day?”
”My one meal a day is the SlimFast, haha.”
”Oh man, I couldn’t do that, if I were on FIRE and I was hungry, I’d have to get something to eat first and then sort out the damage from the flames later.”
”Hahah. Ok so ANYWAY, I’ll say I just took my drug money… AAGHHHHH!”
Random conversation. There’s a JM that I work with and he’s pretty epic. (He's also gorgeous and gay and skinny without even trying and I hate him just a little bit) We just had to go up to Tesco at lunch to get another girl/friend in our team at work a birthday present from our workmates. On the way back, the above conversation happened. And I almost died laughing. For whatever reason, I couldn’t say “rent money” and it kept coming out “drug money” about eight times. And I’ve never done drugs a day in my life, haha. So funny.
So, I’ve told a few friends about this yogurt diet I’m doing with my aunt. It’s funny, actually, because the “diet” itself is sanctioned by a surgeon, even though I’m only taking in between 200-500 calories a day (depending on whether I actually HAVE the slimfast, which I didn’t yesterday), it’s completely okay. My aunt actually suggested I do it with her. Yet earlier in the day she told me not to starve myself to lose weight.
Um, okay.
But yeah… it seems that, as long as something is said to be okay by some manner of medical professional, it’s totally alright and nobody will question that I’m eating nothing but two yogurts a day for days on end. I find that hypocritical, but on the other hand I’m glad about it.
Because right now I don’t actually have to HIDE how little I’m eating. I can be as open as I want to be and admit that I’m craving pineapple in a huge way but can’t have any. I can crack jokes when the girl next to me at work asks me to pass her the biscuit tin, knowing full well I won’t and can’t have a single one. I can be honest about how tired I am and that I’ve got a massive headache from low blood sugar.
But it’s encouraged by weight loss surgeons so it’s okay, don’t worry about me!
You know what though… the absolute BEST part about today (apart from the random 4lb weight loss, which I’m not completely expecting to stick because it’s likely 80% water weight) is that I’m not hungry at all. I’m craving random things, but I’m not giving in, and at least the things I’m craving are healthy things. But I don’t see the point in eating when I’m not hungry anyway, regardless of diets and eating disorders. I’m starving, but I don’t feel hunger. I have no hunger pains. The only negative thing I felt in the abdominal area was tummy ache from the milk products making my stomach upset, and even that’s subsided now.
I’ve had 97 calories and I’m not even hungry!
I am very thirsty though so I’ma go get a drink and get some work done.
Ridin’ the starvation high baby!
Random Thoughts of The Day
ARGH Why do I have cramps?? I haven't had a period in three and a half years!
Oh wait... probably because I've eaten nothing but Dairy for two days. And Dairy hates me. The feelign is mutual.
Oh wait... probably because I've eaten nothing but Dairy for two days. And Dairy hates me. The feelign is mutual.
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