Twenty Eleven

5lbs down for the year so far. A decent start. I guess.

I have my monthly weigh in with the nurse at my GP on Friday. I’m oddly nervous.

On the one hand I don’t want the scales to show I haven’t lost enough weight for her liking. I don’t want to be a failure. I like that I have to be accountable for my weight to somebody else. It’s more motivating than doing this just for me, if that makes any sense at all. But on the other hand, I don’t want her to become concerned if I’ve lost weight too fast either. I can’t remember what I weighed at my last weigh in, just what I was near the beginning of the year. So I’m not sure how much I’ve lost in the last four weeks. I also don’t like somebody outside of my circle of trust and control and anonymity knowing my exact numbers to the nearest tenth of a kilogram.

Sigh. I just don’t even know. 5lbs of loss in under 2 weeks doesn’t feel good enough to me. But it’s a start, I guess.

So, what else? I probably have a lot of catching up to do but everything seems insignificant right now. It’s not that there’s anything profound playing on my mind or anything, it’s just the same old, same old.

This week I booked a month off work this summer to go back home for Canada to visit. Originally it was going to be for 2 weeks but it was only £50 more expensive for four, so I’m going for it. I’ll be broke (I have a Cruise in October to save up for as well =/) but at least I’ll be there.

Guh I’m so effing exhausted, but I’m gonna try to get my head into my work so the day doesn’t drag. All I want is to be back home in bed right now. I’ve had a viral chest infection for well over a month now, and more recently a cold on top of it. I feel miserable and just want to curl up with my hot water bottle and sleep it away. Sleep my life away.

So. There you go, a quick update. I’m going to go try to find some coffee now. I’m supposed to be going to the pub at lunch with some friends from work, but I don’t want to break my decent streak so far this week (Monday all I ate was some salad in the evening so negligible calories, yesterday I had a blueberry muffin after work for a total 300ish calories) so I’m probably going to tell them I’m sick and don’t want food and just get a diet pepsi to sip instead.

Saturday night we’re supposed to be getting pizza and having a little birthday “not-party” for my aunt’s new friend in the psych ward she’s confined to (did I ever write to tell you guys that my aunt has been living in the psych ward for the past nearly 4 months?). It’s this other woman’s birthday but she has nobody and isn’t allowed leave so we’re going up there. Or, we’re meant to be. I might skip out and just stay home where I can starve in peace.

I should probably hate that this is making me an even more solitary creature but honestly I just don’t even care. I just want to be left alone. My online friends are enough company for me right now, and even some of them I’m getting annoyed with. A two hour skype session with my best friend and his family is enough social interaction for the week. God, how lame do I sound right now?

Whatever.

Back to work. Stay beautiful, dolls.

Vee xox

Headache!

Bleh.

First things first: no weigh in today. Or tomorrow, probably.

Last night, around 10-10:30ish I was on my computer chatting to a good friend of mine. I'm running out of abbreviations here. I can't call him J because J is my aunt's partner and I can't call him D because D is my best guyfriend back home. So we'll call him J2. And also the "J that has a penis"

So anyway. We were chatting and being generally bitchy and irritated with the world at large, which is kind of our thing. He may or may not be losing his job due to his regional managers being gay retards (he manages a store) and the fact that they do not like that he is a human being to his staff. GOD FORBID. THAT IS BAD. Although, as I told him last night:

"So basically you're maybe losing your job because you're NOT an asshole who shits on people for fun? Well no, technically you ARE an asshole, just not to peoples' faces. So that doesn't count."

Anyway, suddenly I started getting the odd random lights flashing in front of my eyes. I just call them "flashies" but I guess the current scientific/medical term is a "migraine aura" or something. My aunt gets them nearly every time she's about to get a migraine. I do not get them often at all. I think in the past 17++ years of suffering from migraines, I've had flashies maybe half a dozen times?

Anyway for me, "flashies" mean bad times. I only ever get them if I'm going to get a more horrendous migraine than usual, and you may think "horrendous" and "migraine" are synonyms already and using them together is redundant, and ordinarily you would be right. But migraine attacks preceded by flashies are, for me, something I would gladly trade for a night in the woods with a serial killer. Or maybe an embolism?

So, bad times, I popped some painkillers and went to bed. I've got a headache today but not a proper attack, and I keep getting the occasional flash of light on my periphery. Unfortunately, guess what, NO MIGRAINE MEDS STILL.

The migraine meds I take are not strictly prescription-only (I think they were back in Canada but here if you go to a pharmacy and ask for them and tell them you've had them before they'll give them to you) so I can buy them over the counter at any pharmacy. My doctor tells me to take them, refuses to give me a prescription for something stronger, so I just keep buying them. J (not to be confused with J2 With A Penis)'s doctor has given her a prescription for them, so she just gets it refilled that way.

Now, here's where it gets retarded.

My doctor didn't give me a prescription for THESE ones because the standard cost of prescriptions here is more expensive than standard-size of these anyway. My aunt's partner however has a prescription for the double-size boxes so she essentially gets twice as many pills for nearly the same cost.

Obviously my doctor is an idiot. The reason I don't have any migraine meds right now is because I can't afford to buy them, and also my aunt and J took my last half-dozen pills. Rockin'.

Speaking of my doctor. Two years ago I had some blood tests done. My ex had just left me for another woman and I'd had to move out of our home together and back in with my grandparents. And the stress of it all and the utter heartbreak and depression was taking a huge toll on me. I was being sick every day, had no appetite, couldn't sleep AT ALL, and this feeling of nausea and dizziness was constant, for months. Of course, my doctor assumed off the bat that of course I must be pregnant, even though I told her that A: I'm on the pill and B: my ex CAN NOT HAVE KIDS BECAUSE HIS BODY DOES NOT PRODUCE SPERM. But she was all "hey, anything can happen."

Of course, that came back negative so she decided to do a batch of blood tests to rule out anything scary causing my symptoms - and of course, did another pregnancy test to be sure (and for those weeks my grandmother pissed me off relentlessly by saying EVERY DAY "I think you're pregnant, you know" fuck off please?).

Things came back mostly okay, I didn't have any diseases and wasn't diabetic or anything. I personally thought maybe I'd be anaemic, because I had most of the signs, most specifically the CONSTANT FUCKING FATIGUE. I was surprised to find out my problem was the opposite - my RBC, Haemoglobin and Platelet counts were all marginally too HIGH rather than too low, which it was I was expecting to hear.

My doctor said they weren't so far out of whack as to be panicking or anything (even though all of these things can be signifiers of bigger problems) but said she'd redo the tests in 3 months to see if things are back to normal/have balanced out, or are the same - and to check things aren't getting worse.

I haven't been back to my doctor since, there isn't even a note on my file to say that I should go have tests done. When I called a couple months ago to order a repeat prescription of my BCP, there was nothing, and I'm fucking not about to invite myself over for a blood test that nobody knows anything about.

Wow, I'm rambling so much lately.

Anyway the actual point of this post is just that my head hurts and I want to go home but instead I am stuck at work and it is only 9:30 in the morning. I've been here for an hour but it feels like three. I'm leaving at 4:30 and it can not come fast enough. That's six hours from now. I might actually die of old age before I get to leave.

I'm such a drama queen, I know.

I didn't have time to find a container to put my blueberries in this morning, so instead I've brought a coffee SlimFast for lunch. And, this is probably gross and too much info, but everytime I have coffee slimfast shakes, it makes my pee smell like coffee. And not yummy sweet starbucks coffee either, like really horrible cheap 4p-a-jar instant freeze-dried coffee. From Netto.

008.2: Cutting Through Just Like Champagne Petals

I can’t concentrate on anything. I’ve literally been sat here staring at nothing for a while. I have three more pieces of work to do and I might blitz them out of the way and drop them later so I can chill for a while this afternoon, and it still looks like I’ve done work steadily all afternoon.

I hate being sick. My energy reserves are tenuous at the best of times, and right now I feel entirely wiped. And, if possible, I feel worse now than when I woke up this morning. My throat hurts all the time now, instead of just while moving, talking, swallowing or god forbid yawning. I can feel the swollen gland on the left side throbbing constantly. My inner ear canals are sore and they itch, and the itching is driving me crazy. I’m starting to feel sick just from the mucous in my nose and possibly chest. My green tea is giving me heartburn. Well no, it’s not really the green tea, but the water in our drink machines always gives me acid for some reason. Don’t ask, because I have no idea how either.

The good side to all of this is that I’m nowhere near hungry. The thought of eating doesn’t make my mouth water and my stomach tingle in anticipation as it once would have. Right now, the thought of eating revolts me. The lady next to me at work has just opened a cheese and onion sandwich, and the smell of it is making me feel nauseous. My head is spinning. I feel tremendously horrible.

All I want to do right now is go home, run a steaming hot bath and lay in it for an hour, and then go straight to bed. Unfortunately, I know this isn’t going to happen.

I ran into my manager when she was coming out of the bathroom at the end of our wing and she asked how I was doing, then immediately frowned and said “Not good huh?” So I told her about the sinuses and the horrificness and the glands. (incidentally: Glandular is an awesome word) She told me if it’s still bad tomorrow to go to the doctor. So at least I know she’s understanding if I do wind up calling in sick tomorrow. I really don’t want to, but we’ll see how tonight goes, how I feel when my alarm wakes me at 7 tomorrow morning.

Once again though, I’d rather wait until after I’ve had my review to go off sick. Or not go off sick at all.

I might need to see my doctor anyway, though. I called for a repeat prescription of my BCP, and the receptionist woman told me it’s not on my repeat prescription list. She said the doctor had taken it off but hadn’t left any notes. So she’s requested it, but I have to wait until it goes to my doctor to be printed and signed to see whether or not I can get it. She said the doctor might need to see me – I know they’re supposed to be monitoring my blood pressure while I’m on this pill, and the last time my doctor took my blood pressure was probably over a year ago. So I have to wait for the doctor to call to set up an appointment, or pick up the prescription on Friday. Or, get someone else to, since I’m supposed to be working 8:30-5 on Friday. I gave the receptionist my mobile number, since the number they have on file for me is my grandmother’s home number, and I haven’t lived there in eight months. Granny would pass on the note but I’d rather just talk to them myself instead of messing around and having to call back to try to get an appointment that is less than three weeks from now. I only have a week and a half’s worth of pills left.

Sorry, I’m just rambling on and on and on, but I felt like I needed to do something other than sit and stare at a blank computer screen for an hour.