Monday, 1 June 2009
Oh, also!
Just another thanks to everyone who voted in my poll. Right now I have a treadmill, but that's because it's free. Eventually when I can afford it I'll be getting a cross-trainer too, so thanks for your input ladies. You rock and I adore you all <3
Shittalicious
Just a quick update of sorts.
Sorry I haven't posted in a while. I've been really stressed and busy, as we moved into our new house on Saturday. I spent ALL day on Friday packing (I've only lived in this country for 5 years where the FUCK did all this SHIT come from?? I have enough stuff to furnish a 3-bedroom house on my own, I swear to god), and I'm SO GLAD I took Friday off work. I wasn't going to bother, I thought I'd just leave work early at 4 and spend the night packing. But I packed from 10:30 in the morning and didn't finish until around 8 in the evening. And then I still had a couple things to finish up before we actually moved on Saturday morning.
The house right now is a shambles. Most of the stuff has been moved into the new house, there are just a few things at the old place still (like a couple bags of books, a plastic bag full of old handbags, another bag full of my Film Cell collection (I say collection, I think I have four film cells total so it's hardly a "collection" - for those who are interested, I have the Blade Trilogy, Silent Hill, The Nightmare Before Christmas (OMFGLOVE) and got a small coaster-size Edward Scissorhands one for Christmas. I NEED to get a Fight Club and Choke film cell too... and a Nightmare on Elm Street one would be FABULOUS but we'll see I guess). Our computers are still there but I'm bringing mine home tonight after work and my aunt's leaving hers there for if we need the internet for something until it's been switched to the new house. As of right now we have no interwebs at the new house at all, and AOL (I know, it's Satan's Spawn) said it'll be up to 20 days to get it switched over. Suckage.
SO my updates will be a little sporatic, and I probably won't get around to the Summer2009 challenge in time, but it'll get up there eventually.
So anyway. My bedroom, is bigger. The SPACE is amazing, even though I still have *counts* about 7 boxes in my room right now that need to be unpacked plus the gaming chair my aunt and I bought last year (which is fucking not staying in my room, we bought it to put in the living room, NOT to shove in my room, I don't have THAT much space!) Once the boxes are unpacked I need to bring my big solid wood chest up and I think that is all.
The best news? The treadmill is officially in my bedroom! And it JUST fits between the side of my wardrobe and the wall so I don't have to have it sticking out in the middle of the room. Thank god for inventing foldable exercise equipment. I haven't used it yet as things are so cluttered and I can't even unfold it at this point, but once the boxes are out of the way I'm planning to spend an hour a night on it. I'll have to start walking since my fitness levels are shit-tastic right now, but eventually I want to work my way up to jogging the entire time. I inspected it last night and it DOES have a calorie calculator and a pulse rate thingy in there too, which is something I didn't think it had, so huzzah for that.
Also, I "acquired" a couple Zumba DVDs since I've heard a lot of good things about it. Now that my computer isn't going to be in my bedroom I can't just play them on there and work out, so I think I'll have to burn a few DVDs to keep in my bedroom.
Which reminds me, I need to get a new TV. We're getting Sky installed in the next couple of weeks (for those of you in the US, Sky is like satellite/digital cable. Without it, we have literally only 5 channels, and even that's only with an antenna and if your reception area is amazing.) and I'm getting it setup in my room. And the TV I have right now is crap. It's got a tiny screen, and it's pretty old so it's an old CRT (damn my physics classes, everytime I see or hear or write CRT I flash back to high school when I learned what a Cathode Ray Tube is and how it works and electron firing blah blah. God it's so boring living in my head) and is therefore large and clunky and heavy for what it is. And the DVD player in it doesn't work. Last night while I was doing my hair, I was bored out of my mind. I'm used to reading something on the internet or watching TV/movie on my computer while doing my hair, but without the computer there was nothing to do. So I plugged the fucker in and grabbed one of my aunt's DVDs (yeah for some reason her box of DVDs is in my bedroom, don't ask why because I've no idea) and put it in. And I had to eject and put it back in eight times and blow into the drive a billion times before the bastarding thing would read the disk. SO NOT WORTH THE EFFORT
SO I'll probably just buy a smallish, cheapish flat-screen and have it mounted on my wall, and then get some shelves set up for my XBOX and Sky box and DVD player.
This moving thing is costing so much money, haha.
Bleh, also? This weekend has been hell because I have not slept more than maybe eight collective hours all weekend. I'm the type of person who needs dark and quiet in order to sleep. Once I'm out I can be a bit of a heavy sleeper, or I can be the lightest sleeper in the world, it entirely depends. But I can NOT get to sleep if there is any noise or light. I suffer from insomnia that gets worse at times, and then gets slightly better - but I honestly can not remember the last time I slept a full, straight, uninterrupted 8 hours and woke up feeling refreshed. I am ALWAYS tired.
Anyway I'm digressing.
While packing the last of the big furniture from my bedroom, our friend SR (I'm going to need to put a name legend on the sidebar) asked if we were taking the curtains. Keep in mind that the curtains in my room at the old house cost around £60. They fit my silvery decor, and were fully lined and heavy so they did a damn good job of blocking out any outside light. I paid for them and my aunt is in the process of paying me back for them (along with the £240 carpet we had installed in my room last May). Anyway. My aunt said no, we're not taking the curtains, because she thinks my cat's caught it and pulled a few threads. Also she didn't want to take the curtains because then it would be obvious to outsiders nobody was living there, and the old house is in a neighbourhood where people slash tires knowing full well that people are in the house upstairs with the lights on, so you can imagine what empty houses are like. And there are still valuables in there.
At first, I didn't think of the whole "Light makes my face melt off!" situation. My aunt's sister in law made matching curtains for every room, so there are some nice curtains in my room already that match the wallpaper and carpet - which reminds me, why the fuck did I think the carpet was terra cotta? It's a neutral brown. It must have been reflecting the ghastly rose colour of the old wardrobes or something. BUT of course, after I finally managed to fall asleep, I was WIDE AWAKE at 5:15 in the morning when the sun was STREAMING in and shining full force on my bed. The curtains are made of a very light, gauzy fabric, like tulle or chiffon. They stop basically nothing whatsoever. Same deal this morning. BAD TIMES.
So I brought this up and my aunt said that while we can't take the old curtains yet, she'll find an old sheet or something to cover the window with to help me out in the meantime.
What else?
Oh yeah, this morning my aunt also mentioned we'd have to move my bed away from the wall. Right now it's pressed against the corner so that the head end of my bed is pressed against the wall between my room and my aunts' room, and she said when I turn over the bed is somehow making a banging sound against the wall. So she said to move it down. Except I have no headboard so I can't, if I move the bed my pillows fall off the end - at the old house I had to move my mattress back up flush with the wall EVERY night otherwise my feather pillow was swallowed up in the chasm. SO I have to find somewhere else to put the bed, which is a pain. Possibly just turning it so the side of the bed is a couple inches from the wall and the head is against the outside wall.
Sorry, I'm just thinking out loud at this point.
Ok now I need to bitch. Big time.
Last weekend I went shopping with my good friend S (it's her birthday on Friday, she's turning 19, and this makes me feel very old because jesus, am I REALLY four years older than her?!?!?!) and I bought two pairs of really nice sunglasses from River Island. This morning I wore my favourite pair (which are a pink plastic on the inside and black plastic on the ouside, and there's a flowery design on the sides where you can see the pink through and they're so nice and I love them) when I went to my orthodontist to have my teeth cleaned / any excess glue buffed off.
I'm sure you can already see where I'm going with this.
When I went in and sat next to my grandfather, I clipped the sunglasses onto the strap on my bag. I was called through, had my teeth cleaned, came back out and grabbed my bag from my grandpa and we left. As he passed me the bag I looked at the sunglasses and thought "I need to move those off the strap or I'll lose them" and then put away my appointment card...
Shit, hang on, I just remembered something, I need to call the office again. I'm such a fucking retard.
Nope, no dice.
Anyway. I walked down the stairs, through the X-Ray Reception (which is right inside the front doors, Orthodontics is upstairs) and outside. Once I was outside I realized shit, no sunglasses. So I dropped my bag and jacket next to my grandfather and literally ran back inside and upstairs, checking the floor and stairs on the way. When I got back to the reception I asked the people sitting around where we had been sat if they'd seen them, asked reception if they'd been handed in, nothing. Checked under the chairs and everything. In the sixty seconds it took me to walk downstairs and outside, they completely disappeared.
IE: someone fucking took them and refused to speak up when I asked where they had gone. Thieving fucking bitches.
Just now, I thought I'd figured it out. When I asked reception if they'd been handed in she said "No, dear, but you can go back and see if you dropped them by the hygienist's area earlier?" and I said no, because I hadn't taken my bag in with me when I went in. BUT, when I came out the hygienist forgot to give me my appointment card and for the life of me I can't remember if I had my bag when I went back to get the appointment card before leaving. So just now I called the office and asked if they'd been found but no such luck. =[
Again. Thieving fucking bitches.
So, I'm not happy. I'm tired and I lost the £17 sunglasses I've had for all of nine fucking days. Sure, it could be worse, it could have been a more expensive pair of designer sunglasses, but god damn it, I don't care.
Anyway I should get some work done. This is pretty long =/
Oh on that note I have no idea what I weigh because my scale was not deemed Priority to be brought across this weekend. And I kind of don't want to know. Last time I checked I was back to 198 and this weekend, although it's been hectic with the moving, I had a bacon sandwich on Saturday after moving (it was the only thing we had in the house, granny was cooking for us movers, and I was RAVENOUS after moving shit all morning) and an ice cream cone yesterday so things are probably bad. I Could cry right now even though I don't KNOW.
My official weigh-in day will be this Friday. And good or bad I will post it. Because I report to YOU guys. It kind of helps me stay on track, you know? Like, I feel ashamed if I'm reporting bad news to you, so I have to struggle to have only good to say. That hasn't been the case lately, which is why I avoided the scale for a while I think. But avoiding the issue doesn't make it better, it just makes me in denial. So I need to weigh in and get on with this shit.
GOOD NEWS: J got her date through for the surgery - June 10th. She started her yogurt-and-milk diet yesterday. Which means NO MORE FUCKING FAST FOOD which means it should now be easier for me to get back into restricting too. Yay!
Besides. If she's doing this diet, people can't tell me off for not eating enough, can they? Her surgeon even SAID "normal people can do this diet to lose weight, too" although he did say they should have slimfast instead of just milk, and shouldn't do it EVERY day. Still.
I must remember to buy a load of yogurts. I could easily live off a yogurt for lunch and a yogurt for dinner, and that's only 200 calories combined. So it could totally be worse.
I'm looking forward to it =]
And the money I save will help pay for the TV I need lol.
Later, lovemonkeys!
Vee xoxox
Sorry I haven't posted in a while. I've been really stressed and busy, as we moved into our new house on Saturday. I spent ALL day on Friday packing (I've only lived in this country for 5 years where the FUCK did all this SHIT come from?? I have enough stuff to furnish a 3-bedroom house on my own, I swear to god), and I'm SO GLAD I took Friday off work. I wasn't going to bother, I thought I'd just leave work early at 4 and spend the night packing. But I packed from 10:30 in the morning and didn't finish until around 8 in the evening. And then I still had a couple things to finish up before we actually moved on Saturday morning.
The house right now is a shambles. Most of the stuff has been moved into the new house, there are just a few things at the old place still (like a couple bags of books, a plastic bag full of old handbags, another bag full of my Film Cell collection (I say collection, I think I have four film cells total so it's hardly a "collection" - for those who are interested, I have the Blade Trilogy, Silent Hill, The Nightmare Before Christmas (OMFGLOVE) and got a small coaster-size Edward Scissorhands one for Christmas. I NEED to get a Fight Club and Choke film cell too... and a Nightmare on Elm Street one would be FABULOUS but we'll see I guess). Our computers are still there but I'm bringing mine home tonight after work and my aunt's leaving hers there for if we need the internet for something until it's been switched to the new house. As of right now we have no interwebs at the new house at all, and AOL (I know, it's Satan's Spawn) said it'll be up to 20 days to get it switched over. Suckage.
SO my updates will be a little sporatic, and I probably won't get around to the Summer2009 challenge in time, but it'll get up there eventually.
So anyway. My bedroom, is bigger. The SPACE is amazing, even though I still have *counts* about 7 boxes in my room right now that need to be unpacked plus the gaming chair my aunt and I bought last year (which is fucking not staying in my room, we bought it to put in the living room, NOT to shove in my room, I don't have THAT much space!) Once the boxes are unpacked I need to bring my big solid wood chest up and I think that is all.
The best news? The treadmill is officially in my bedroom! And it JUST fits between the side of my wardrobe and the wall so I don't have to have it sticking out in the middle of the room. Thank god for inventing foldable exercise equipment. I haven't used it yet as things are so cluttered and I can't even unfold it at this point, but once the boxes are out of the way I'm planning to spend an hour a night on it. I'll have to start walking since my fitness levels are shit-tastic right now, but eventually I want to work my way up to jogging the entire time. I inspected it last night and it DOES have a calorie calculator and a pulse rate thingy in there too, which is something I didn't think it had, so huzzah for that.
Also, I "acquired" a couple Zumba DVDs since I've heard a lot of good things about it. Now that my computer isn't going to be in my bedroom I can't just play them on there and work out, so I think I'll have to burn a few DVDs to keep in my bedroom.
Which reminds me, I need to get a new TV. We're getting Sky installed in the next couple of weeks (for those of you in the US, Sky is like satellite/digital cable. Without it, we have literally only 5 channels, and even that's only with an antenna and if your reception area is amazing.) and I'm getting it setup in my room. And the TV I have right now is crap. It's got a tiny screen, and it's pretty old so it's an old CRT (damn my physics classes, everytime I see or hear or write CRT I flash back to high school when I learned what a Cathode Ray Tube is and how it works and electron firing blah blah. God it's so boring living in my head) and is therefore large and clunky and heavy for what it is. And the DVD player in it doesn't work. Last night while I was doing my hair, I was bored out of my mind. I'm used to reading something on the internet or watching TV/movie on my computer while doing my hair, but without the computer there was nothing to do. So I plugged the fucker in and grabbed one of my aunt's DVDs (yeah for some reason her box of DVDs is in my bedroom, don't ask why because I've no idea) and put it in. And I had to eject and put it back in eight times and blow into the drive a billion times before the bastarding thing would read the disk. SO NOT WORTH THE EFFORT
SO I'll probably just buy a smallish, cheapish flat-screen and have it mounted on my wall, and then get some shelves set up for my XBOX and Sky box and DVD player.
This moving thing is costing so much money, haha.
Bleh, also? This weekend has been hell because I have not slept more than maybe eight collective hours all weekend. I'm the type of person who needs dark and quiet in order to sleep. Once I'm out I can be a bit of a heavy sleeper, or I can be the lightest sleeper in the world, it entirely depends. But I can NOT get to sleep if there is any noise or light. I suffer from insomnia that gets worse at times, and then gets slightly better - but I honestly can not remember the last time I slept a full, straight, uninterrupted 8 hours and woke up feeling refreshed. I am ALWAYS tired.
Anyway I'm digressing.
While packing the last of the big furniture from my bedroom, our friend SR (I'm going to need to put a name legend on the sidebar) asked if we were taking the curtains. Keep in mind that the curtains in my room at the old house cost around £60. They fit my silvery decor, and were fully lined and heavy so they did a damn good job of blocking out any outside light. I paid for them and my aunt is in the process of paying me back for them (along with the £240 carpet we had installed in my room last May). Anyway. My aunt said no, we're not taking the curtains, because she thinks my cat's caught it and pulled a few threads. Also she didn't want to take the curtains because then it would be obvious to outsiders nobody was living there, and the old house is in a neighbourhood where people slash tires knowing full well that people are in the house upstairs with the lights on, so you can imagine what empty houses are like. And there are still valuables in there.
At first, I didn't think of the whole "Light makes my face melt off!" situation. My aunt's sister in law made matching curtains for every room, so there are some nice curtains in my room already that match the wallpaper and carpet - which reminds me, why the fuck did I think the carpet was terra cotta? It's a neutral brown. It must have been reflecting the ghastly rose colour of the old wardrobes or something. BUT of course, after I finally managed to fall asleep, I was WIDE AWAKE at 5:15 in the morning when the sun was STREAMING in and shining full force on my bed. The curtains are made of a very light, gauzy fabric, like tulle or chiffon. They stop basically nothing whatsoever. Same deal this morning. BAD TIMES.
So I brought this up and my aunt said that while we can't take the old curtains yet, she'll find an old sheet or something to cover the window with to help me out in the meantime.
What else?
Oh yeah, this morning my aunt also mentioned we'd have to move my bed away from the wall. Right now it's pressed against the corner so that the head end of my bed is pressed against the wall between my room and my aunts' room, and she said when I turn over the bed is somehow making a banging sound against the wall. So she said to move it down. Except I have no headboard so I can't, if I move the bed my pillows fall off the end - at the old house I had to move my mattress back up flush with the wall EVERY night otherwise my feather pillow was swallowed up in the chasm. SO I have to find somewhere else to put the bed, which is a pain. Possibly just turning it so the side of the bed is a couple inches from the wall and the head is against the outside wall.
Sorry, I'm just thinking out loud at this point.
Ok now I need to bitch. Big time.
Last weekend I went shopping with my good friend S (it's her birthday on Friday, she's turning 19, and this makes me feel very old because jesus, am I REALLY four years older than her?!?!?!) and I bought two pairs of really nice sunglasses from River Island. This morning I wore my favourite pair (which are a pink plastic on the inside and black plastic on the ouside, and there's a flowery design on the sides where you can see the pink through and they're so nice and I love them) when I went to my orthodontist to have my teeth cleaned / any excess glue buffed off.
I'm sure you can already see where I'm going with this.
When I went in and sat next to my grandfather, I clipped the sunglasses onto the strap on my bag. I was called through, had my teeth cleaned, came back out and grabbed my bag from my grandpa and we left. As he passed me the bag I looked at the sunglasses and thought "I need to move those off the strap or I'll lose them" and then put away my appointment card...
Shit, hang on, I just remembered something, I need to call the office again. I'm such a fucking retard.
Nope, no dice.
Anyway. I walked down the stairs, through the X-Ray Reception (which is right inside the front doors, Orthodontics is upstairs) and outside. Once I was outside I realized shit, no sunglasses. So I dropped my bag and jacket next to my grandfather and literally ran back inside and upstairs, checking the floor and stairs on the way. When I got back to the reception I asked the people sitting around where we had been sat if they'd seen them, asked reception if they'd been handed in, nothing. Checked under the chairs and everything. In the sixty seconds it took me to walk downstairs and outside, they completely disappeared.
IE: someone fucking took them and refused to speak up when I asked where they had gone. Thieving fucking bitches.
Just now, I thought I'd figured it out. When I asked reception if they'd been handed in she said "No, dear, but you can go back and see if you dropped them by the hygienist's area earlier?" and I said no, because I hadn't taken my bag in with me when I went in. BUT, when I came out the hygienist forgot to give me my appointment card and for the life of me I can't remember if I had my bag when I went back to get the appointment card before leaving. So just now I called the office and asked if they'd been found but no such luck. =[
Again. Thieving fucking bitches.
So, I'm not happy. I'm tired and I lost the £17 sunglasses I've had for all of nine fucking days. Sure, it could be worse, it could have been a more expensive pair of designer sunglasses, but god damn it, I don't care.
Anyway I should get some work done. This is pretty long =/
Oh on that note I have no idea what I weigh because my scale was not deemed Priority to be brought across this weekend. And I kind of don't want to know. Last time I checked I was back to 198 and this weekend, although it's been hectic with the moving, I had a bacon sandwich on Saturday after moving (it was the only thing we had in the house, granny was cooking for us movers, and I was RAVENOUS after moving shit all morning) and an ice cream cone yesterday so things are probably bad. I Could cry right now even though I don't KNOW.
My official weigh-in day will be this Friday. And good or bad I will post it. Because I report to YOU guys. It kind of helps me stay on track, you know? Like, I feel ashamed if I'm reporting bad news to you, so I have to struggle to have only good to say. That hasn't been the case lately, which is why I avoided the scale for a while I think. But avoiding the issue doesn't make it better, it just makes me in denial. So I need to weigh in and get on with this shit.
GOOD NEWS: J got her date through for the surgery - June 10th. She started her yogurt-and-milk diet yesterday. Which means NO MORE FUCKING FAST FOOD which means it should now be easier for me to get back into restricting too. Yay!
Besides. If she's doing this diet, people can't tell me off for not eating enough, can they? Her surgeon even SAID "normal people can do this diet to lose weight, too" although he did say they should have slimfast instead of just milk, and shouldn't do it EVERY day. Still.
I must remember to buy a load of yogurts. I could easily live off a yogurt for lunch and a yogurt for dinner, and that's only 200 calories combined. So it could totally be worse.
I'm looking forward to it =]
And the money I save will help pay for the TV I need lol.
Later, lovemonkeys!
Vee xoxox
Friday, 22 May 2009
Hell Yeah!
Right now it is 12:48 in the afternoon.
So far today I have had half a bottle of water (I know, I know, I need to drink more =/) and a piece of sugarfree gum.
Only just now starting to feel hungry but I'm savoring the feeling =]
If I had the stuff at home I'd be having Braised Lettuce tonight, but I don't, and I'm not going to Tesco because I don't have the energy or the will. So no idea what I have at home. Maybe a fat free 100-kcal yogurt? Hmm, I might have some low-calorie Chicken Noodle Soup, actually.. I think it said it's 35kcals per serving? Mmmm.
So yeah, so far so good. And in just over 4 hours I'm home free!
Meeting my friend for sushi tomorrow, but if that's all I eat tomorrow it shouldn't be too bad. Yo! Sushi has nutritional info up at their website, so I'm going to try to stick to the best options and fill up on green tea (unlimited!). The dishes come with two of whatever type of sushi it is and we're sharing, so I will be able to have some variety without pigging out on eighty pieces.
The downside is that after doing some shopping, S's fiancee L is meeting up with us to chill, chat, catch up. And we're meeting him at Starbucks. Now, I LOVE starbucks. And I'm in the mood for a caramel coffee light frappuccinno. BUT! I don't need the extra calories on top of sushi.
Do I have the will power to get a plain small coffee, no milk and with some splenda sweeteners in it?
Funny how I can often say no to food, but not to Starbucks. You are my weakness!
Tonight is going to be busy, since I need to find somewhere to put my aunts' laundry to dry (I thought it would be bad form just to wash my own stuff and leave theirs in the laundry basket for when they got back haha) and vacuum the entire house, including the stairs, which is precarious business if you're like me and have a tendency to fall down them stone sober and barefoot, nevermind trying to balance a fucking vacuum on there. Actually, come to think, there's not that much else I need to do, aside from wipe down the kitchen counters and get rid of some out of date food (why would my aunt feed her dog half a can of dog food and then leave it in the fridge knowing full well that the dog is going away for two weeks and that shit is going to stink?)
I also need to bake... I told my aunt about what me and S made last week (and which I wound up giving to my neighbour =]) and she wants some so I'll have to do that tonight so they can have some when they get home.
It used to piss me off when I made cookies before. Because I used to bake a huge batch of like 9 dozen cookies, take a dozen to work, eat half a dozen, and by the end of the week, if I went for a cookie, there would be none left. How do they eat 7 and a half dozen cookies to themselves? I'll tell you how. Rather than eating a cookie as a snack or a couple for dessert or a treat or something, my aunt would eat 7 cookies for breakfast. She'd have 5 cookies before bed. Wake up in the middle of the night and have another half dozen just because she felt like it. I swear to god one time two dozen cookies disappeared literally overnight - there were a lot left when I went to bed, and I went to grab a couple to take to work with lunch, and there were none. And the last two batches of banana bread I made, I got none of.
Anyway. My point is, that doesn't piss me off anymore. Now, I'm grateful for it. I love baking, it can be kind of therapeutic and stress-relieving for me. But the problem is what to do with the results. I was lucky last week that I was throwing some stuff out into our garbage bin while my neighbour's kid was playing in his backyard so I could hand over the cupcakes and blondies then. I wouldn't just wander over and knock on their door to give them, because I'm kind of dumb but whatever.
Instead, leave it on the counter and it'll be gone in two days and I don't have to face it everyday and feel bad for wasting ingredients and money =]
What does irritate me though is that if my aunts make a group meal it's often a matter that we all pay for it. My aunt's partner makes this amazing dish that I love and have had twice in the 5 years since I moved here. And two years ago when I asked if she'd make it, she told me "sure if you buy the ingredients." However, when I bake, when I'm ASKED to bake (my aunt is constantly asking me for oatmeal raisin cookies, peanut butter cookies, and banana bread), it's out of my own pocket. And I can't really afford to be buying a ton of baking ingredients just because. Sigh.
It's going to be a bit of a problem after they have their surgery. Good and bad. Good because there won't be their crappy food in the house to tempt me. Bad because I won't be able to bake and palm the results off on them. It's a pain in the ass to bring stuff into work on the bus but that's what I'll have to do - I love to bake and have no plans to stop doing it.
Anyway, this doesn't really have a point haha. 4 hours to go, it's now 1:01pm =]
XOXO
Vee
So far today I have had half a bottle of water (I know, I know, I need to drink more =/) and a piece of sugarfree gum.
Only just now starting to feel hungry but I'm savoring the feeling =]
If I had the stuff at home I'd be having Braised Lettuce tonight, but I don't, and I'm not going to Tesco because I don't have the energy or the will. So no idea what I have at home. Maybe a fat free 100-kcal yogurt? Hmm, I might have some low-calorie Chicken Noodle Soup, actually.. I think it said it's 35kcals per serving? Mmmm.
So yeah, so far so good. And in just over 4 hours I'm home free!
Meeting my friend for sushi tomorrow, but if that's all I eat tomorrow it shouldn't be too bad. Yo! Sushi has nutritional info up at their website, so I'm going to try to stick to the best options and fill up on green tea (unlimited!). The dishes come with two of whatever type of sushi it is and we're sharing, so I will be able to have some variety without pigging out on eighty pieces.
The downside is that after doing some shopping, S's fiancee L is meeting up with us to chill, chat, catch up. And we're meeting him at Starbucks. Now, I LOVE starbucks. And I'm in the mood for a caramel coffee light frappuccinno. BUT! I don't need the extra calories on top of sushi.
Do I have the will power to get a plain small coffee, no milk and with some splenda sweeteners in it?
Funny how I can often say no to food, but not to Starbucks. You are my weakness!
Tonight is going to be busy, since I need to find somewhere to put my aunts' laundry to dry (I thought it would be bad form just to wash my own stuff and leave theirs in the laundry basket for when they got back haha) and vacuum the entire house, including the stairs, which is precarious business if you're like me and have a tendency to fall down them stone sober and barefoot, nevermind trying to balance a fucking vacuum on there. Actually, come to think, there's not that much else I need to do, aside from wipe down the kitchen counters and get rid of some out of date food (why would my aunt feed her dog half a can of dog food and then leave it in the fridge knowing full well that the dog is going away for two weeks and that shit is going to stink?)
I also need to bake... I told my aunt about what me and S made last week (and which I wound up giving to my neighbour =]) and she wants some so I'll have to do that tonight so they can have some when they get home.
It used to piss me off when I made cookies before. Because I used to bake a huge batch of like 9 dozen cookies, take a dozen to work, eat half a dozen, and by the end of the week, if I went for a cookie, there would be none left. How do they eat 7 and a half dozen cookies to themselves? I'll tell you how. Rather than eating a cookie as a snack or a couple for dessert or a treat or something, my aunt would eat 7 cookies for breakfast. She'd have 5 cookies before bed. Wake up in the middle of the night and have another half dozen just because she felt like it. I swear to god one time two dozen cookies disappeared literally overnight - there were a lot left when I went to bed, and I went to grab a couple to take to work with lunch, and there were none. And the last two batches of banana bread I made, I got none of.
Anyway. My point is, that doesn't piss me off anymore. Now, I'm grateful for it. I love baking, it can be kind of therapeutic and stress-relieving for me. But the problem is what to do with the results. I was lucky last week that I was throwing some stuff out into our garbage bin while my neighbour's kid was playing in his backyard so I could hand over the cupcakes and blondies then. I wouldn't just wander over and knock on their door to give them, because I'm kind of dumb but whatever.
Instead, leave it on the counter and it'll be gone in two days and I don't have to face it everyday and feel bad for wasting ingredients and money =]
What does irritate me though is that if my aunts make a group meal it's often a matter that we all pay for it. My aunt's partner makes this amazing dish that I love and have had twice in the 5 years since I moved here. And two years ago when I asked if she'd make it, she told me "sure if you buy the ingredients." However, when I bake, when I'm ASKED to bake (my aunt is constantly asking me for oatmeal raisin cookies, peanut butter cookies, and banana bread), it's out of my own pocket. And I can't really afford to be buying a ton of baking ingredients just because. Sigh.
It's going to be a bit of a problem after they have their surgery. Good and bad. Good because there won't be their crappy food in the house to tempt me. Bad because I won't be able to bake and palm the results off on them. It's a pain in the ass to bring stuff into work on the bus but that's what I'll have to do - I love to bake and have no plans to stop doing it.
Anyway, this doesn't really have a point haha. 4 hours to go, it's now 1:01pm =]
XOXO
Vee
The Aftermath
So after two days of writhing in pain and being unable to even sleep until the pain went away, I'm now living "The Aftermath" - you know, the time after having a migraine where your head still feels a bit sensitive where the pain used to be, where you feel a little shaky and maybe disoriented and so very, very fatigued. Recovering from a migraine attack really wears you down. That sensitive spot just over the arch of my left eyebrow, feels so tender, feels like the migraine is just dormant and ready to spring back. But if I'm lucky, it'll stay away.
I was doing so well yesterday. Up until 7pm I had only eaten around 200 calories worth of rice (one of the only things I had in the house aside from frozen meals and peanut butter) and was feeling good. Through the day my migraine had slowly abated to a persistent, niggling headache. Towards nighttime though, my head was starting to throb and pound all over again and I was drenched in sweat even though our heating was off - and anyone who knows me will tell you that I am ALWAYS cold. So I thought shit, I need to eat something. I grabbed a frozen meal and shoved it in the microwave and ate it without tasting it. I felt like I was panicking. I also downed a ton of water just in case I was getting dehydrated and that was messing me up.
Luckily, after eating I went to bed with a cool gel thing on my head and, although it took me several hours to fall asleep, I woke up pain-free. Thank god.
Funny story: strange noises kept waking me up even though I had earplugs in, but then when I listened there was nothing. I was freaking myself out. This morning I open the bathroom door (I had shut it because there was a spider on the ceiling and I didn't want the little fucker venturing over to my bedroom in the middle of the night) and my aunt's cat darted out and started purring around my ankles. Oops!
Surprisingly, today is an alright day so far, all things considered. My head feels terribly tender and I'm so very tired and have zero motivation to actually do anything. And my bus is detouring from its current route and bypassing 5 or 6 stops, which means I had to walk an extra 15-minutes uphill to get to the next one. Maybe it's endorphins from getting my heart going a little, but even though I'm exhausted, I'm in a good mood. In work I had a little chat and some laughs with my manager and a few other guys in my team. My manager is fine with the fact that I'm going to be down 3 hours for the working period and is more than happy for me to make it up next week. Whoo!
Anyway, I need to get some work done, since I'm kind of behind after chatting.
More later,
Vee xox
I was doing so well yesterday. Up until 7pm I had only eaten around 200 calories worth of rice (one of the only things I had in the house aside from frozen meals and peanut butter) and was feeling good. Through the day my migraine had slowly abated to a persistent, niggling headache. Towards nighttime though, my head was starting to throb and pound all over again and I was drenched in sweat even though our heating was off - and anyone who knows me will tell you that I am ALWAYS cold. So I thought shit, I need to eat something. I grabbed a frozen meal and shoved it in the microwave and ate it without tasting it. I felt like I was panicking. I also downed a ton of water just in case I was getting dehydrated and that was messing me up.
Luckily, after eating I went to bed with a cool gel thing on my head and, although it took me several hours to fall asleep, I woke up pain-free. Thank god.
Funny story: strange noises kept waking me up even though I had earplugs in, but then when I listened there was nothing. I was freaking myself out. This morning I open the bathroom door (I had shut it because there was a spider on the ceiling and I didn't want the little fucker venturing over to my bedroom in the middle of the night) and my aunt's cat darted out and started purring around my ankles. Oops!
Surprisingly, today is an alright day so far, all things considered. My head feels terribly tender and I'm so very tired and have zero motivation to actually do anything. And my bus is detouring from its current route and bypassing 5 or 6 stops, which means I had to walk an extra 15-minutes uphill to get to the next one. Maybe it's endorphins from getting my heart going a little, but even though I'm exhausted, I'm in a good mood. In work I had a little chat and some laughs with my manager and a few other guys in my team. My manager is fine with the fact that I'm going to be down 3 hours for the working period and is more than happy for me to make it up next week. Whoo!
Anyway, I need to get some work done, since I'm kind of behind after chatting.
More later,
Vee xox
Wednesday, 20 May 2009
Update
First of all, thanks to everyone who's voted in my poll so far. Cross-Trainer is where I was leaning too as well, but it's always nice to get everyone's input! And thanks to Pasco and Ana who left comments with their reasoning on my previous entry. You girls rock!
So a brief update.
Last night I was violently sick and went to bed with a migraine, hoping I'd sleep it off and feel better. No dice. My alarm went off at 7 this morning and I physically could not move because every tiny motion made my head scream and feel like it was trying to tear apart. I reset my alarm for 8:30 and tried to go back to sleep. Woke up at 8:30 and called work to tell them I won't be coming in. I'm kind of stressing because I need to leave work at 4 on Friday so I have time to finish doing the last bits of laundry and vacuum the stairs and stuff before my aunts come home on Saturday. But, not going to work today means I'll be getting 7 hours added on for sick pay but I usually work 8.5 hours, so I'm going to be down on my hours by that hour and a half... More if I do leave early on Friday. So to make up I think I might have to work until 7 tomorrow, and how much does that bite? Sigh.
Still, I can't be slacking off and stuff and just prove to my manager HEY I totally didn't deserve that raise you just gave me because now I'm 2 hours down at the end of the four week work period and! I've had a sick day. (to be fair I think my last sick day was back in like November or December so it could be worse)
I have a friend at work who tells me to just go home if I'm tired or feeling a bit under the weather or have a cold or the slightest headache. I generally persevere unless it's really severely bad. And she always tells me "You're being stupid, nobody thinks better of you for coming in when you're not well" - and I can see her point, but on the flip-side, people DO think WORSE of you for NOT coming in.
I mean in the team I was in previously there's a guy who takes a ton of sick time. I mean we're talking at least once a month for anywhere from 1 day to 2 weeks. And everyone jokes about it. "That man has more time off than Santa" or "Aw, looks like [namehere] has another runny nose" (I mean to be fair it probably exacerbates the issue that he admitted that he takes so much time off because he hates his job and cant be bothered but STILL)
I don't want to be known as "that girl who takes a ton of time off" so I push through it.
Today was one of those days where even the thought of getting up to pee felt like climbing Everest stark naked in the middle of winter. My head still hurts a lot now, not as bad as it was earlier but it's still definitely there. And I feel disoriented and kind of dizzy because of it. And I should probably take tomorrow off work too, only... I'd feel too shitty about it to just sit at home and relax. Too anxious. And too worked up about how I'm going to make up those 3 hours before the weekend. Sigh.
We'll see.
Love you ladies
xoxo Vee
So a brief update.
Last night I was violently sick and went to bed with a migraine, hoping I'd sleep it off and feel better. No dice. My alarm went off at 7 this morning and I physically could not move because every tiny motion made my head scream and feel like it was trying to tear apart. I reset my alarm for 8:30 and tried to go back to sleep. Woke up at 8:30 and called work to tell them I won't be coming in. I'm kind of stressing because I need to leave work at 4 on Friday so I have time to finish doing the last bits of laundry and vacuum the stairs and stuff before my aunts come home on Saturday. But, not going to work today means I'll be getting 7 hours added on for sick pay but I usually work 8.5 hours, so I'm going to be down on my hours by that hour and a half... More if I do leave early on Friday. So to make up I think I might have to work until 7 tomorrow, and how much does that bite? Sigh.
Still, I can't be slacking off and stuff and just prove to my manager HEY I totally didn't deserve that raise you just gave me because now I'm 2 hours down at the end of the four week work period and! I've had a sick day. (to be fair I think my last sick day was back in like November or December so it could be worse)
I have a friend at work who tells me to just go home if I'm tired or feeling a bit under the weather or have a cold or the slightest headache. I generally persevere unless it's really severely bad. And she always tells me "You're being stupid, nobody thinks better of you for coming in when you're not well" - and I can see her point, but on the flip-side, people DO think WORSE of you for NOT coming in.
I mean in the team I was in previously there's a guy who takes a ton of sick time. I mean we're talking at least once a month for anywhere from 1 day to 2 weeks. And everyone jokes about it. "That man has more time off than Santa" or "Aw, looks like [namehere] has another runny nose" (I mean to be fair it probably exacerbates the issue that he admitted that he takes so much time off because he hates his job and cant be bothered but STILL)
I don't want to be known as "that girl who takes a ton of time off" so I push through it.
Today was one of those days where even the thought of getting up to pee felt like climbing Everest stark naked in the middle of winter. My head still hurts a lot now, not as bad as it was earlier but it's still definitely there. And I feel disoriented and kind of dizzy because of it. And I should probably take tomorrow off work too, only... I'd feel too shitty about it to just sit at home and relax. Too anxious. And too worked up about how I'm going to make up those 3 hours before the weekend. Sigh.
We'll see.
Love you ladies
xoxo Vee
Tuesday, 19 May 2009
Poll!
Hey guys
So, I have a migraine and have just spent the past 15 minutes being sick. My throat is raw and I feel like ass. I'm completely exhausted and passed out for 20 minutes while trying to watch a movie on TV and felt so disoriented when I woke up. And it wasn't until I woke up that I thought, woah, I am going to be sick. Ughhh, my throat!
And only 10 more hours until I have to leave for work. Awesome.
Anyway, this is really just a quick post before I go curl up and die somewhere, to say that I've put a poll in the sidebar. As soon as I move, and everything is organized in my room, I am buying some manner of fucking work out equipment. Problem is, I'm torn. Bike? Elliptical? Treadmill? Dumbells? I mean I'll probably get the weights as well as the cardio equipment but I wanted another option and couldn't think of anything else.
So, vote in the poll and tell me what you think. Feel free to post a comment if you prefer something not on the list, or to elaborate on why you prefer that particular piece of equipment (more versatile, burns more calories, better cario, whatever).
Thanks for your help =]
Goodnight and sweet dreams darlings.
Xoxo
Vee
So, I have a migraine and have just spent the past 15 minutes being sick. My throat is raw and I feel like ass. I'm completely exhausted and passed out for 20 minutes while trying to watch a movie on TV and felt so disoriented when I woke up. And it wasn't until I woke up that I thought, woah, I am going to be sick. Ughhh, my throat!
And only 10 more hours until I have to leave for work. Awesome.
Anyway, this is really just a quick post before I go curl up and die somewhere, to say that I've put a poll in the sidebar. As soon as I move, and everything is organized in my room, I am buying some manner of fucking work out equipment. Problem is, I'm torn. Bike? Elliptical? Treadmill? Dumbells? I mean I'll probably get the weights as well as the cardio equipment but I wanted another option and couldn't think of anything else.
So, vote in the poll and tell me what you think. Feel free to post a comment if you prefer something not on the list, or to elaborate on why you prefer that particular piece of equipment (more versatile, burns more calories, better cario, whatever).
Thanks for your help =]
Goodnight and sweet dreams darlings.
Xoxo
Vee
Revelation?
Hm, I just re-read my previous two posts and... maybe... I'm losing my shit and stressing out BECAUSE things are going so well?
I'm used to things breaking down and hitting rock bottom the instant that my life starts going well. So maybe... Things are going so well right now and I'm expecting another huge setback to fuck me up, somewhere around the corner. I don't know if I could deal with it.
So maybe I'm making myself stress out because I'm waiting for the second shoe to drop as it were.
I'm psychoanalyzing myself and I've never taken a psych class, I need to shut the fuck up.
I feel like such a screwup.
I'm used to things breaking down and hitting rock bottom the instant that my life starts going well. So maybe... Things are going so well right now and I'm expecting another huge setback to fuck me up, somewhere around the corner. I don't know if I could deal with it.
So maybe I'm making myself stress out because I'm waiting for the second shoe to drop as it were.
I'm psychoanalyzing myself and I've never taken a psych class, I need to shut the fuck up.
I feel like such a screwup.
Fighting
...hopefully NOT a losing battle.
I'm in full-on binge mode. I can feel it swelling up inside of me. I'm not even hungry but the need to eat and eat and eat is almost overwhelming. Earlier it was just "good" homemade food that I wanted but now I'm in a place psycholigically where it doesn't matter what the fuck it is.
So far I've been okay. I've had a couple of the very small brownies I brought in, and lots of water, and nothing else. But when I go home, there is food. And I'm in a mood where I almost want to make a huge batch of peanut butter cupcakes and then devour all two dozen of them.
I feel like a complete failure admitting this because, although last week's food was bad and couldn't technically be called a "binge" I guess (portion control wasn't TOO bad), I've only been restricting properly for ONE fucking day and I'm already a mess.
Part of me is telling me to just get it out of my system. To eat everything I want tonight, and then throw away EVERYTHING so that the ONLY food left in the house is my aunts'. But I don't want to be a failure before I've even really gotten into it. If I had been restricting and fasting for two weeks, I could understand the need to binge that's welling up inside of me, that's cresting over me like a fucking tsunami. But I haven't. I've had one meal a day for the past two weeks, and that one meal has NOT been restrictive. Somewhere between bingeing and restricting is where I'd been. I want to say "normal" but normal people eat more than once a day, right?
But the fact of the matter is, I've gained weight. I don't know how much but I'm estimating that I have put back on the 5lbs I lost the week before. I am planning to NOT step on the scale until Saturday morning, that hopefully whatever damage was inflicted will be undone by then. Because if I look at the scale and see 200 again I... just have no idea how I'd react. Even when I weighed in at 198 a couple of weeks ago, it was bad but damn it, it was under The Magic Number.
So the huge other side of me is screaming at me not to fuck up. To be GOOD for fucksakes. To understand that my body can not possibly be that hungry and starved of nutrients and calories and shit. And even if it IS, that's just a better oppourtunity to let it burn and enjoy the ride.
I've never felt like this before. I've had my bingey moments, don't get me wrong. But I've never felt it like THIS and I don't know how to react or what to do. I don't want to give in. And if I do, I will feel worse than I do right now. So is it worth it? No, it's not. But I'm sure you out there can appreciate that it's not always up to us what we do and don't eat. And I'm terrified of fucking up, of being unable to get myself under strict control. Why was it so easy before Birthday Madness? That first week back here was so easy. And before all the shittaliciousness that caused me to fall off, back in February, it was so easy.
So why is it so hard right now?
Usually my drive to eat, my inability to reign in the fat monster inside of me, is linked with stress. But I'm not stressed right now!
Since I moved here I never really forged any close friendships except with my ex, who turned out to be a monster douche. Now I've got a really close friendship with S and I love her. My working life is going amazingly well. I just got a raise so I can stop obsessing over my half-year review coming up in six weeks, because obviously my manager is damn happy with me! I'm going on two rock ass vacations before the end of the year. I'll get to see my best friends for the first time in three years, and then laze around in the sun in a four-star hotel on a beach in Cancun. In a few weeks I'm moving to a slightly bigger house in a much nicer neighbourhood - once my trips are paid off I can look into buying some stuff for my room, to make it My Space (not to be confused with the social networking 'site). There isn't a man in my life right now, but for the first time in a while I'm not actually depressed over that fact.
Everything in my life feels like it's slowly starting to fall back into place, that the pieces of the puzzle are slotting themself together and I'm feeling optimistic for the first time since I can't even remember when.
So why do I feel like I'm losing my shit?
It's not just the whole wanting to binge and sabotage myself. I feel like something contained deep down inside is fighting to come out. That its bonds are cracking at the seams and something is going to explode. I feel like I'm going crazy.
Give me strength girls. And thanks for listening.
I'm in full-on binge mode. I can feel it swelling up inside of me. I'm not even hungry but the need to eat and eat and eat is almost overwhelming. Earlier it was just "good" homemade food that I wanted but now I'm in a place psycholigically where it doesn't matter what the fuck it is.
So far I've been okay. I've had a couple of the very small brownies I brought in, and lots of water, and nothing else. But when I go home, there is food. And I'm in a mood where I almost want to make a huge batch of peanut butter cupcakes and then devour all two dozen of them.
I feel like a complete failure admitting this because, although last week's food was bad and couldn't technically be called a "binge" I guess (portion control wasn't TOO bad), I've only been restricting properly for ONE fucking day and I'm already a mess.
Part of me is telling me to just get it out of my system. To eat everything I want tonight, and then throw away EVERYTHING so that the ONLY food left in the house is my aunts'. But I don't want to be a failure before I've even really gotten into it. If I had been restricting and fasting for two weeks, I could understand the need to binge that's welling up inside of me, that's cresting over me like a fucking tsunami. But I haven't. I've had one meal a day for the past two weeks, and that one meal has NOT been restrictive. Somewhere between bingeing and restricting is where I'd been. I want to say "normal" but normal people eat more than once a day, right?
But the fact of the matter is, I've gained weight. I don't know how much but I'm estimating that I have put back on the 5lbs I lost the week before. I am planning to NOT step on the scale until Saturday morning, that hopefully whatever damage was inflicted will be undone by then. Because if I look at the scale and see 200 again I... just have no idea how I'd react. Even when I weighed in at 198 a couple of weeks ago, it was bad but damn it, it was under The Magic Number.
So the huge other side of me is screaming at me not to fuck up. To be GOOD for fucksakes. To understand that my body can not possibly be that hungry and starved of nutrients and calories and shit. And even if it IS, that's just a better oppourtunity to let it burn and enjoy the ride.
I've never felt like this before. I've had my bingey moments, don't get me wrong. But I've never felt it like THIS and I don't know how to react or what to do. I don't want to give in. And if I do, I will feel worse than I do right now. So is it worth it? No, it's not. But I'm sure you out there can appreciate that it's not always up to us what we do and don't eat. And I'm terrified of fucking up, of being unable to get myself under strict control. Why was it so easy before Birthday Madness? That first week back here was so easy. And before all the shittaliciousness that caused me to fall off, back in February, it was so easy.
So why is it so hard right now?
Usually my drive to eat, my inability to reign in the fat monster inside of me, is linked with stress. But I'm not stressed right now!
Since I moved here I never really forged any close friendships except with my ex, who turned out to be a monster douche. Now I've got a really close friendship with S and I love her. My working life is going amazingly well. I just got a raise so I can stop obsessing over my half-year review coming up in six weeks, because obviously my manager is damn happy with me! I'm going on two rock ass vacations before the end of the year. I'll get to see my best friends for the first time in three years, and then laze around in the sun in a four-star hotel on a beach in Cancun. In a few weeks I'm moving to a slightly bigger house in a much nicer neighbourhood - once my trips are paid off I can look into buying some stuff for my room, to make it My Space (not to be confused with the social networking 'site). There isn't a man in my life right now, but for the first time in a while I'm not actually depressed over that fact.
Everything in my life feels like it's slowly starting to fall back into place, that the pieces of the puzzle are slotting themself together and I'm feeling optimistic for the first time since I can't even remember when.
So why do I feel like I'm losing my shit?
It's not just the whole wanting to binge and sabotage myself. I feel like something contained deep down inside is fighting to come out. That its bonds are cracking at the seams and something is going to explode. I feel like I'm going crazy.
Give me strength girls. And thanks for listening.
Bleghghghhgghgh
...Shit, I forgot what I even wrote about yesterday, let me go check.
Okay yeah, I already wrote about work. So, instead of writing about work more, I'm going to ramble.
Mostly the rambling is because I am SO god damned tired that it is unbelievable. So this is going to be terribly disjointed and retarded.
Yesterday wasn't too bad, in total I guess I had maybe 600 calories, which is more than I had intended but it could be worse. Still, it sucks.
Anyway while at work yesterday afternoon I decided I would bake, to bring into work. I guess it's some kind of "tradition" or whatev that when it's your birthday you bring something in, like something homemade or a buffet. But, I'm cheap, and no way am I going to traipse around the supermarket and spend £50 on food I'm not even going to eat. So instead I bought £12 worth of eggs and butter and vanilla and peanut butter and chocolate, and made my Peanut-Butter-And-White-Chocolate-Blondies instead.
I was going to make peanut butter cupcakes with chocolate frosting. But the problem there is that there would be NO WAY that I could possibly resist them. I fucking love peanut butter, and PB-Cupcakes would be amazing. And I also decided against them because, do you know what a pain in the ass it is to take cupcakes to work, on the bus?? Yeah.
God, I'm sorry. It's so counterintuitive to be talking about baked goods and stuff here, and I apologise if I'm awakening cravings in you. If it bothers you let me know and I'll try to cut it down/out ^.^
Anyway the Blondies are in a clip-top container thing on a desk near me, but I'm holding back and not having them. I also gave the rest of the previous batch to my neighbour's kids last night so woot.
I am so ridiculously tired today. My insomnia is rearing its ugly head with more force than usual. I knew I would be tired yesterday because my sleep schedule was thrown completely out of whack during my week off. But yesterday wasn't so bad, I was in bed by 11 and so tired I should have passed right out. Key words there being "should have." And when I finally did fall asleep, one of my aunt's cats came in trying to play with my cat and she was having none of it so she kept fighting with him. Finally at 5:30 I got up and had to shut him out so he'd stop bothering her.
When my alarm went off at 7, it was the WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD. Ugh. I feel sick - probably because I just downed my vitamins on an empty stomach with half a bottle of water, and taking my vitamins in the morning always makes me feel sick for some reason?? - and I'm so tired I almost fell asleep on the bus into work. And I'm starting to get a headache, and have no painkillers on me. All I have is this holistic herbal menthol gel stuff that you're supposed to rub on your forehead and it's supposed to make headaches go away. Yeah fucking right. And plus, the gel fucks up my makeup =/
And I'm totally craving food. Not just like your average binge-food. I don't want anything sweet and I don't want takeout or anything. I'm just craving something SUBSTANTIAL, and home-ey. Like the kind of food my grandma makes for Sunday dinners or used to have waiting for me when I got home from work. Which is EXACTLY the kind of food I do not need! Fatty roasted meats and lots of potatoes and shit. Sigh. What I really want right now is a full English breakfast. But I'm not going to get it. Because A: it's not worth the agony and feeling shit and self-sabotage. And also because I need to be saving money.
Seriously. The money I spent last week on Birthday Food And Stuff is ridiculous. In the end I've decided that, if I keep telling myself "V, you can not afford that MAC Lipstick" then why the fuck should I be able to take that same money (or more) and spend it on like pizza or something?
Exactly.
So, when I'm on the verge of giving in and buying something I should not be having, I think what I might do is transfer the cash into my savings instead. Or withdraw it and stash it somewhere.
Once I've finished paying off my credit card, I mean. Fucking flights and their costly.. costs.
Anyway. I'm rambling even more than I expected to, so that's all for now. I'll post up the SC2009 details at some point today, assuming I don't pass out at my desk and/or die from feeling like shit =]
Xoxo
Vee
Okay yeah, I already wrote about work. So, instead of writing about work more, I'm going to ramble.
Mostly the rambling is because I am SO god damned tired that it is unbelievable. So this is going to be terribly disjointed and retarded.
Yesterday wasn't too bad, in total I guess I had maybe 600 calories, which is more than I had intended but it could be worse. Still, it sucks.
Anyway while at work yesterday afternoon I decided I would bake, to bring into work. I guess it's some kind of "tradition" or whatev that when it's your birthday you bring something in, like something homemade or a buffet. But, I'm cheap, and no way am I going to traipse around the supermarket and spend £50 on food I'm not even going to eat. So instead I bought £12 worth of eggs and butter and vanilla and peanut butter and chocolate, and made my Peanut-Butter-And-White-Chocolate-Blondies instead.
I was going to make peanut butter cupcakes with chocolate frosting. But the problem there is that there would be NO WAY that I could possibly resist them. I fucking love peanut butter, and PB-Cupcakes would be amazing. And I also decided against them because, do you know what a pain in the ass it is to take cupcakes to work, on the bus?? Yeah.
God, I'm sorry. It's so counterintuitive to be talking about baked goods and stuff here, and I apologise if I'm awakening cravings in you. If it bothers you let me know and I'll try to cut it down/out ^.^
Anyway the Blondies are in a clip-top container thing on a desk near me, but I'm holding back and not having them. I also gave the rest of the previous batch to my neighbour's kids last night so woot.
I am so ridiculously tired today. My insomnia is rearing its ugly head with more force than usual. I knew I would be tired yesterday because my sleep schedule was thrown completely out of whack during my week off. But yesterday wasn't so bad, I was in bed by 11 and so tired I should have passed right out. Key words there being "should have." And when I finally did fall asleep, one of my aunt's cats came in trying to play with my cat and she was having none of it so she kept fighting with him. Finally at 5:30 I got up and had to shut him out so he'd stop bothering her.
When my alarm went off at 7, it was the WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD. Ugh. I feel sick - probably because I just downed my vitamins on an empty stomach with half a bottle of water, and taking my vitamins in the morning always makes me feel sick for some reason?? - and I'm so tired I almost fell asleep on the bus into work. And I'm starting to get a headache, and have no painkillers on me. All I have is this holistic herbal menthol gel stuff that you're supposed to rub on your forehead and it's supposed to make headaches go away. Yeah fucking right. And plus, the gel fucks up my makeup =/
And I'm totally craving food. Not just like your average binge-food. I don't want anything sweet and I don't want takeout or anything. I'm just craving something SUBSTANTIAL, and home-ey. Like the kind of food my grandma makes for Sunday dinners or used to have waiting for me when I got home from work. Which is EXACTLY the kind of food I do not need! Fatty roasted meats and lots of potatoes and shit. Sigh. What I really want right now is a full English breakfast. But I'm not going to get it. Because A: it's not worth the agony and feeling shit and self-sabotage. And also because I need to be saving money.
Seriously. The money I spent last week on Birthday Food And Stuff is ridiculous. In the end I've decided that, if I keep telling myself "V, you can not afford that MAC Lipstick" then why the fuck should I be able to take that same money (or more) and spend it on like pizza or something?
Exactly.
So, when I'm on the verge of giving in and buying something I should not be having, I think what I might do is transfer the cash into my savings instead. Or withdraw it and stash it somewhere.
Once I've finished paying off my credit card, I mean. Fucking flights and their costly.. costs.
Anyway. I'm rambling even more than I expected to, so that's all for now. I'll post up the SC2009 details at some point today, assuming I don't pass out at my desk and/or die from feeling like shit =]
Xoxo
Vee
Monday, 18 May 2009
S2009 Challenge
Just a quick note to say that I'm going to put up all the details for this challenge in the near future, just what with last week I didn't want to be a hypocrite. In the meantime, for information on this challenge, please have a look at THIS blog =]
Xoxo
Vee
Xoxo
Vee
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