I think I may have made a huge mistake that I will regret.
Instead of going for the extra work (involving having two teeth taken out and another eighteen months in braces on top of how long I've already had them), I decided just to let my ortho book an appointment in ten weeks to have them taken off completely. My teeth are straight, this is all I expected. So why am I so upset about not going ahead with the extra work? All this just to build up two too-narrow teeth sideways by a couple of millimetres each. It doesn't seem worth it. But am I going to regret this decision?
Wednesday, 4 March 2009
Friday, 27 February 2009
Also...
I've changed the comments on here, after all the issues we had this week. Comment form is no longer embedded, I've changed it to a pop up window. Myself and others have had problems leaving comments on the embedded form... sometimes it takes four or more clicks before it finally posts the damn thing.
I also removed the word verification requirement, since that was one major thing stopping comments this way. If there are any issues with either of these, let me know and I'll change them again. Hopefully though, this will make it easier on all of us.
I also removed the word verification requirement, since that was one major thing stopping comments this way. If there are any issues with either of these, let me know and I'll change them again. Hopefully though, this will make it easier on all of us.
The Update That Wasn't
I started writing a blog entry about how I feel really restless today. About how yesterday was such a productive day, but today is crap even though it’s busy. Blah blah blah.
And now, I’m just annoyed. We just had a small meeting to do “awards”. Basically if someone does something great and you want them to get some recognition for it, we do Stars. People get little card stars that have the thing written on it and who it’s from and you can stick them on your computer or whatever. I don’t, because it’s lame and they’re shit. BUT, these count toward Star of the Month – whoever gets the most Stars or Nominations in the team, gets an extra half-day holiday for free. Which doesn’t sound like a lot but it’s only February and I only have 2.5 holidays left to last me until the beginning of June. I will take all the days off I can get.
People got a bunch of stars for “giving positive feedback to such and such” and basically doing their Fing job. My friend got one for “Always staying until 5 to cover phones so most of the team can leave at 4.”
Well, considering he gives me a ride home EVERY DAY, you would think I’d get one too. No. I left early this week only, because I’m so far up on my hours at work that I won’t be able to carry them over to next month if I work any more extra time. But I get no recognition for that. Nobody’s every said anything about the fact that I did amazing in my training when they trained me to help out this other team. About how fast I got signed off on it and what great feedback I got from my trainer. About how I’ve been busting my ass to close a ton of work every day and that my effectiveness according to our system is always over 120%. About how, even though I’m doing all of this, I’m still spending two hours a day – working through my lunch hour – to do some extra work for my team. About the training I’ve been doing, the training notes I spent all morning yesterday putting together.
No, I got one nomination for coming in when it had snowed copious amounts overnight and only me and two other people bothered to show up. That’s it.
If people are going to get recognition and days off for things that are basic like “giving feedback to offshore team” or “answering my question about a recommencement” or “helping me out with a telephone query from a policy holder”, why do I get absolutely nothing for all the extra work I do every day?
It’s just not fucking worth it. I’m pissed off right now. Even though I said “I stay late every day, this week is the first time I’ve left early since before Christmas” it was just laughed off. Yet he gets a fucking star nomination for it, and I’m pretty sure that one extra meant he got the extra half day.
I’m such a fucking sore loser. But damnit, you’d be pissed too.
And now, I’m just annoyed. We just had a small meeting to do “awards”. Basically if someone does something great and you want them to get some recognition for it, we do Stars. People get little card stars that have the thing written on it and who it’s from and you can stick them on your computer or whatever. I don’t, because it’s lame and they’re shit. BUT, these count toward Star of the Month – whoever gets the most Stars or Nominations in the team, gets an extra half-day holiday for free. Which doesn’t sound like a lot but it’s only February and I only have 2.5 holidays left to last me until the beginning of June. I will take all the days off I can get.
People got a bunch of stars for “giving positive feedback to such and such” and basically doing their Fing job. My friend got one for “Always staying until 5 to cover phones so most of the team can leave at 4.”
Well, considering he gives me a ride home EVERY DAY, you would think I’d get one too. No. I left early this week only, because I’m so far up on my hours at work that I won’t be able to carry them over to next month if I work any more extra time. But I get no recognition for that. Nobody’s every said anything about the fact that I did amazing in my training when they trained me to help out this other team. About how fast I got signed off on it and what great feedback I got from my trainer. About how I’ve been busting my ass to close a ton of work every day and that my effectiveness according to our system is always over 120%. About how, even though I’m doing all of this, I’m still spending two hours a day – working through my lunch hour – to do some extra work for my team. About the training I’ve been doing, the training notes I spent all morning yesterday putting together.
No, I got one nomination for coming in when it had snowed copious amounts overnight and only me and two other people bothered to show up. That’s it.
If people are going to get recognition and days off for things that are basic like “giving feedback to offshore team” or “answering my question about a recommencement” or “helping me out with a telephone query from a policy holder”, why do I get absolutely nothing for all the extra work I do every day?
It’s just not fucking worth it. I’m pissed off right now. Even though I said “I stay late every day, this week is the first time I’ve left early since before Christmas” it was just laughed off. Yet he gets a fucking star nomination for it, and I’m pretty sure that one extra meant he got the extra half day.
I’m such a fucking sore loser. But damnit, you’d be pissed too.
Thursday, 26 February 2009
However
Do not lend cook books to people at work, because you will get them back with greasy fingerprints and bits of food on them.
Sigh.
Sigh.
A rare good day
Yes, after days and days of feeling like an absolute bag of shit, today is a thankfully good day.
First, I went to bed last night at 9pm. Yeah. I've been so drained lately and with my insomnia rearing it's ugly head with more force than usual, I've been trying to get to bed super early. My reasoning was "the more time spent in bed, the more oppourtunity I have to get a total of a few hours' sleep over the course of the night". For the most part, this has been a total bust. But last night it seemed to work.
I also got to stay in bed an extra hour this morning whoo! Eleven hours in bed sounds like a lot, but I probably slept five or so. And I woke up with a headache, but this is still the best I have felt in a while. I immediately went to weigh myself. The bad news is, I haven't lost. The good news is, even though I probably had too much humous last night, I didn't gain either. I'm exactly the same today as I was yesterday, down to the tenth-of-a-pound. So I can't really complain.
Getting ready for work was leisurely to a degree, or at the very least, wasn't rushed. Normally I'm rushing around to be ready to walk out the door at exactly 7:30 in the morning, but since I wasn't keeping to someone else's schedule today, it wasn't so frantic.
Back in January, I bought a top online. A white and red gingham bodice type top, with a halter neck, made from a fitted, boned vintage 1950s pattern. When it came, I tried it on, and physically couldn't do it up. I had to get my aunt to yank up the zipper, and it just was not happening. We finally got it closed but it was super tight and looked horrendous.
Well, on a whim I got it out this morning and managed to get it zipped up with no problems! It's still a little tight near the bottom around the upper hip area, but it fits aside from that and looks great. I just put a thin white hoodie on over the top and zipped it up halfway to cover the very bottom bit. It looks fabulous. I'm even going braless with it on, even though I have those kind of breasts that should never, ever, go anywhere but bed and the shower without some manner of underwire (I'm naturally top-heavy, and these puppies are not the perkiest in the land, unfortunately. I've thought long and hard about a breast lift, but... I can't even afford a £450 deposit on my own apartment, there's no way I can afford cosmetic surgery).
Anyway, I feel gorgeous today. This top, because it's fitted and boned, accentuates my waist and makes it look smaller, which is awesome. I'm still huge, but I feel pretty, and not as horrendous as I usuallydo. Which is, to quote Martha Stewart, a good thing.
I've been really productive today too, considering I'm only working 6.25 hours today as opposed to the 8.5+ I usually work. Already I've compiled two full sets of complicated training notes and sent out two other pieces of work I had to do for another team. I've got another one or two sets of training notes to do, plus about four or five letters to write and send out for the other team. And even though I'm leaving in three and a half hours, I'm confident it'll get done. Whoo, this is awesome. Also, the training notes I've written are very easy to understand and awesome. The notes we usually get from the training team are usually HORRIBLE COMPLICATED and make the easiest work look like rocket science. So I wrote my own instead and I'm very damn pleased with myself.
Today is a 100 day, and my food plan is to have some stock "soup" and a pot of 10cal sugarfree jello. Mmm. I felt kind of faint and out of it this morning, which is a good thing. I love this feeling. Right now I've got a tonn of energy, though. I can't sit still. Yay, extra calorie expenditure!
Also, I tried a new green tea - with jasmine as opposed to "just" green tea on its own. And I love it. It's got a slightly different taste and seems much sweeter to me. I love it. You should try it.
First, I went to bed last night at 9pm. Yeah. I've been so drained lately and with my insomnia rearing it's ugly head with more force than usual, I've been trying to get to bed super early. My reasoning was "the more time spent in bed, the more oppourtunity I have to get a total of a few hours' sleep over the course of the night". For the most part, this has been a total bust. But last night it seemed to work.
I also got to stay in bed an extra hour this morning whoo! Eleven hours in bed sounds like a lot, but I probably slept five or so. And I woke up with a headache, but this is still the best I have felt in a while. I immediately went to weigh myself. The bad news is, I haven't lost. The good news is, even though I probably had too much humous last night, I didn't gain either. I'm exactly the same today as I was yesterday, down to the tenth-of-a-pound. So I can't really complain.
Getting ready for work was leisurely to a degree, or at the very least, wasn't rushed. Normally I'm rushing around to be ready to walk out the door at exactly 7:30 in the morning, but since I wasn't keeping to someone else's schedule today, it wasn't so frantic.
Back in January, I bought a top online. A white and red gingham bodice type top, with a halter neck, made from a fitted, boned vintage 1950s pattern. When it came, I tried it on, and physically couldn't do it up. I had to get my aunt to yank up the zipper, and it just was not happening. We finally got it closed but it was super tight and looked horrendous.
Well, on a whim I got it out this morning and managed to get it zipped up with no problems! It's still a little tight near the bottom around the upper hip area, but it fits aside from that and looks great. I just put a thin white hoodie on over the top and zipped it up halfway to cover the very bottom bit. It looks fabulous. I'm even going braless with it on, even though I have those kind of breasts that should never, ever, go anywhere but bed and the shower without some manner of underwire (I'm naturally top-heavy, and these puppies are not the perkiest in the land, unfortunately. I've thought long and hard about a breast lift, but... I can't even afford a £450 deposit on my own apartment, there's no way I can afford cosmetic surgery).
Anyway, I feel gorgeous today. This top, because it's fitted and boned, accentuates my waist and makes it look smaller, which is awesome. I'm still huge, but I feel pretty, and not as horrendous as I usuallydo. Which is, to quote Martha Stewart, a good thing.
I've been really productive today too, considering I'm only working 6.25 hours today as opposed to the 8.5+ I usually work. Already I've compiled two full sets of complicated training notes and sent out two other pieces of work I had to do for another team. I've got another one or two sets of training notes to do, plus about four or five letters to write and send out for the other team. And even though I'm leaving in three and a half hours, I'm confident it'll get done. Whoo, this is awesome. Also, the training notes I've written are very easy to understand and awesome. The notes we usually get from the training team are usually HORRIBLE COMPLICATED and make the easiest work look like rocket science. So I wrote my own instead and I'm very damn pleased with myself.
Today is a 100 day, and my food plan is to have some stock "soup" and a pot of 10cal sugarfree jello. Mmm. I felt kind of faint and out of it this morning, which is a good thing. I love this feeling. Right now I've got a tonn of energy, though. I can't sit still. Yay, extra calorie expenditure!
Also, I tried a new green tea - with jasmine as opposed to "just" green tea on its own. And I love it. It's got a slightly different taste and seems much sweeter to me. I love it. You should try it.
Tuesday, 24 February 2009
Aggravation
I hope this stupid website sorts itself out soon. I'm getting fed up of trying to comment on blogs, only for the stupid word verification thing to decide not to load. Thanks, Blogger. Really.
So far so good
After whining and bitching this morning, I have to update to say that so far things are going okay. I've eaten exactly nothing, and have had one cup of strawberry tea and half a cup of water. Which means that this headache I'm getting is likely the result of dehydration, which doesn't surprise me. I'm so crap at trying to keep my body hydrated. The water cooler at work gives me heartburn for some reason, so I usually wind up avoiding it without realizing that I'm even doing it. I'll need to start filling my water bottle and keeping it on my desk and aiming to down the whole thing. As it is right now I just wind up with a million cups of water, that are ignored once they get warm. I don't aim for anything. But if I aim to drink my adorable water bottle full of water at least twice a day, I'll probably be in a much better position. I mean, to be perfectly honest, dehydration could be one reason I've been feeling so shitty and tired lately too. Well, moreso than usual I mean =P
Ugh. I hate the sound that my nylon-blend trousers make when I walk and my thighs rub together. It makes me want to walk bow-legged just so I - and other people! - don't have to hear it.
And I'm getting swiftly fed up with my Urban Decay eyeshadows. The glitter in that shit just gets every-fucking-where. My gold and reddish-brown and bright green are amazing and I love them (I don't have them here I don't know colours) but I've got some purple and pink on today and both are glitter, and now I have glitter all the fuck over my face.
I was going to write about how I wasn't in such a bad mood today, despite a rocky start. About how, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror just now when I walked into the toilet, and how my hair looks amazing and while I'm still a huge lard, at least I'm pretty. But then I looked closer. And quickly changed my mind. I look like the walking dead, even with makeup. My dark circles from not sleeping are peering through my concealer and foundation. I just look... drained and sallow and horrible. Sigh. At least I have nice fingernails. That's about the only self-compliment I can come up with right now. And I'm trying to positively reinforce myself. And it just isn't working.
Whatever.
In spite of not eating, my stomach didn't start telling me it was hungry until maybe twenty minutes ago - 2 in the afternoon. Which is good and bad. Good because, if I'm not hungry, there's no reason at all for me to be eating in the morning to begin with. Bad because, my body isn't going to devour my fat reserves if it isn't hungry in the first place.
All that said, I'm actually NOT in as horrible a mood today as I was yesterday. I'm still totally fucking exhausted, and I'm still feeling pretty antisocial. But I'm not QUITE as pissed off with everyone as I was. Even though I look like hell =]
Going "grocery" shopping tonight after work. I need to figure out what I need to buy. Maybe some raw veggies to have with a low-cal dip of some description. I don't know. I always buy fruit and then wind up realizing "There are too many calories in this banana and if I eat it I can't have XYZ later, so I'm going to skip the banana and have XYZ when I get home instead" and the fruit winds up going off. I need to stop doing that. I need to start planning ahead.
Tomorrow will be a 200 day. I'm going to have an apple (55) for "breakfast" and maybe a banana (104) for lunch, which leaves me with a small salad for dinner after work.
OR something. I'm so horrible at planning, I doubt any of the above will actually transpire.
The past few days I've been craving Oriental food. All weekend and yesterday it was rice. I almost went home last night to make sushi rice in my rice cooker when I got home, just to devour on its own. But then I thought twice and decided that there was no way I could figure out how to get 100 calories of rice.
Today it's Ramen. I was online looking at a Japanese store that sells the brand of Ramen I used to love and adore in Canada. My favourite brand of ramen ever. I was going to buy some but then I thought... one package of Sapporo Ichiban ramen soup contains around 400 calories. Which means I could have it two days of the week (Saturday is 400, Sunday is 500), but it would have to be the only thing I ate. Which is okay, but it depends on whether I have the discipline. Sigh, I don't know, I'll probably buy some and keep it in reserve. I think I have a package at home still, but I'm not going to touch it until the weekend. I am NOT fucking this up. Especially not after gaining a pound and a half after Day One.
Oh god, that reminds me, I think I'm supposed to be going to a Chinese Buffet on Monday with my aunts and a load of friends. Dude might be there too, I don't know. Interestingly enough, I haven't heard from him since Saturday morning. Our friends tried to invite him to their place when we went over on Saturday night but he didn't answer his phone. Hm.
Anyway, I need to finish two more hours of work, and then I can go HOME!
Love you,
Vee xxxx
Ugh. I hate the sound that my nylon-blend trousers make when I walk and my thighs rub together. It makes me want to walk bow-legged just so I - and other people! - don't have to hear it.
And I'm getting swiftly fed up with my Urban Decay eyeshadows. The glitter in that shit just gets every-fucking-where. My gold and reddish-brown and bright green are amazing and I love them (I don't have them here I don't know colours) but I've got some purple and pink on today and both are glitter, and now I have glitter all the fuck over my face.
I was going to write about how I wasn't in such a bad mood today, despite a rocky start. About how, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror just now when I walked into the toilet, and how my hair looks amazing and while I'm still a huge lard, at least I'm pretty. But then I looked closer. And quickly changed my mind. I look like the walking dead, even with makeup. My dark circles from not sleeping are peering through my concealer and foundation. I just look... drained and sallow and horrible. Sigh. At least I have nice fingernails. That's about the only self-compliment I can come up with right now. And I'm trying to positively reinforce myself. And it just isn't working.
Whatever.
In spite of not eating, my stomach didn't start telling me it was hungry until maybe twenty minutes ago - 2 in the afternoon. Which is good and bad. Good because, if I'm not hungry, there's no reason at all for me to be eating in the morning to begin with. Bad because, my body isn't going to devour my fat reserves if it isn't hungry in the first place.
All that said, I'm actually NOT in as horrible a mood today as I was yesterday. I'm still totally fucking exhausted, and I'm still feeling pretty antisocial. But I'm not QUITE as pissed off with everyone as I was. Even though I look like hell =]
Going "grocery" shopping tonight after work. I need to figure out what I need to buy. Maybe some raw veggies to have with a low-cal dip of some description. I don't know. I always buy fruit and then wind up realizing "There are too many calories in this banana and if I eat it I can't have XYZ later, so I'm going to skip the banana and have XYZ when I get home instead" and the fruit winds up going off. I need to stop doing that. I need to start planning ahead.
Tomorrow will be a 200 day. I'm going to have an apple (55) for "breakfast" and maybe a banana (104) for lunch, which leaves me with a small salad for dinner after work.
OR something. I'm so horrible at planning, I doubt any of the above will actually transpire.
The past few days I've been craving Oriental food. All weekend and yesterday it was rice. I almost went home last night to make sushi rice in my rice cooker when I got home, just to devour on its own. But then I thought twice and decided that there was no way I could figure out how to get 100 calories of rice.
Today it's Ramen. I was online looking at a Japanese store that sells the brand of Ramen I used to love and adore in Canada. My favourite brand of ramen ever. I was going to buy some but then I thought... one package of Sapporo Ichiban ramen soup contains around 400 calories. Which means I could have it two days of the week (Saturday is 400, Sunday is 500), but it would have to be the only thing I ate. Which is okay, but it depends on whether I have the discipline. Sigh, I don't know, I'll probably buy some and keep it in reserve. I think I have a package at home still, but I'm not going to touch it until the weekend. I am NOT fucking this up. Especially not after gaining a pound and a half after Day One.
Oh god, that reminds me, I think I'm supposed to be going to a Chinese Buffet on Monday with my aunts and a load of friends. Dude might be there too, I don't know. Interestingly enough, I haven't heard from him since Saturday morning. Our friends tried to invite him to their place when we went over on Saturday night but he didn't answer his phone. Hm.
Anyway, I need to finish two more hours of work, and then I can go HOME!
Love you,
Vee xxxx
Mourning the tragic passing of My Metabolism
Sorry for the short, vague post about two hours ago. I was just getting ready to leave for work and I was super pissed and had to say something.
Why am I fucked off?
Well, aside from generically STILL being irritated by everything and everyone around me, and the fact that I went to bed at TEN last night and still didn't sleep, and that I woke up thinking it was Wednesday, only to be told that HAH, no, it is only Tuesday bitch, four more days of work to go!
I have gained 1.6lbs since yesterday.
Yesterday was a 300 day and I went over ever so slightly, but by barely anything. And I GAINED A POUND AND A HALF.
How the fuck is that even physically possible?!
Today is a 100 day, but I'll be damned if a single piece of food is passing my lips today. Of course, it would be Pancake Day here in the UK, and I'm praying that my aunts don't realize, that I don't walk in the door to fresh pancakes with the syrup she imported from Canada. Ugh.
There are no words to adequately express just how I feel right now.
Why am I fucked off?
Well, aside from generically STILL being irritated by everything and everyone around me, and the fact that I went to bed at TEN last night and still didn't sleep, and that I woke up thinking it was Wednesday, only to be told that HAH, no, it is only Tuesday bitch, four more days of work to go!
I have gained 1.6lbs since yesterday.
Yesterday was a 300 day and I went over ever so slightly, but by barely anything. And I GAINED A POUND AND A HALF.
How the fuck is that even physically possible?!
Today is a 100 day, but I'll be damned if a single piece of food is passing my lips today. Of course, it would be Pancake Day here in the UK, and I'm praying that my aunts don't realize, that I don't walk in the door to fresh pancakes with the syrup she imported from Canada. Ugh.
There are no words to adequately express just how I feel right now.
Monday, 23 February 2009
Craving Solitude
So, I’m really depressed and in a very weird mood today for some reason. Maybe it’s just because I, once again, didn’t sleep at all last night. Right now all I want in the world, is to be isolated. To hole myself up in my room and just be away from everyone else in the world. I just want to be completely alone. I don’t want to have to force chit-chat and small talk. I don’t want to pretend I’m in a good mood and force a smile and a laugh. I don’t want to have to just be around another human being right now.
I haven’t felt this antisocial in a while. Sometimes I get moody – yes, I am quite famed within my family for mood swings – but right now I am literally craving alone time and isolation. More than food or coffee or ice water, I just want to be alone.
Everyone is driving me crazy. And by everyone I mean even the people who are usually excluded from that list are making me super-irked. Well no, there are a small handful who are not – like you guys, and one person at work, and that’s basically it. This weekend, my aunt drove me a little bit insane. We were trying to watch some burned episodes of Lost last night and she talked through the entire thing, and when I didn’t respond she asked “What’s up with you?!” like I’d just snapped and bit her head off or something. What’s up? What’s up is that I want to WATCH IT and not listen to your effing commentary on every little thing. What’s up is that I do not WANT to eat McDonald’s.
Yeah, fair enough, I am in a bit of a moody mood right now, so I could understand her getting annoyed with me being a bitchy brat right now. But the thing is, I haven’t BEEN a bitchy brat to her, all I did was watched the fucking television instead of having a full blown conversation about the squishy-sounds of Claire giving birth to her baby in the jungle. Seriously, is that such a big deal? All this less than 24 hours after we walked out a friend’s house and she said “I’m not used to watching movies with people who talk all the way through them, I just wanted to shout for everyone to shut up and watch it already.”
Seriously.
Sigh. I think that’s one reason I want to be alone, because I don’t have the emotional capacity to smile and laugh and pretend like I think something is funny, when I’m just tired and not happy at all and not in the mood to pretend otherwise. I’d rather just be alone and not have to do all that, and keep the peace. Instead of snapping and being accused of being a bitch.
Even people at work are annoying me. One person doesn’t have access to a system so has to ask me to print off some information for her periodically. And I’m getting really pissed off that she keeps interrupting what I’m trying to do so I can do stuff for her instead. The lady next to me keeps talking, trying to start a random conversation about her fiancee, or bitching about some work she’s trying to find. And I really could not care less right now. I’m even avoiding talking to my friend, the one who drives me home from work almost every day, because I don’t have the patience to pretend his quips are funny or to listen to him belittle my taste in movies and not have a go at him for it (this happened first thing this morning, I kind of wanted to smack him). I’m leaving work at 4 just so I can take the bus with my friend S (the one person here I’m NOT annoyed with) and not have to sit in the guy-friend’s car for 45 minutes and laugh at his non-jokes and not scream when he interrupts me when I’m trying to relay a story or anecdote.
WHICH HAPPENS ALL THE FUCKING TIME. God. I hate it when people don’t listen. It makes me want to peel faces off and feed them to rabid fucking dogs. It's true what Chuck Palahniuk wrote in fight club: a lot of people don't ever really LISTEN. They just wait for their turn to speak. Not everyone does this, but it drives me insane. Even moreso when they don't even wait for you to finish, and just interrupt because what they have to say is so clearly more important than whatever stupid story you've just been telling.
Okay, I need to calm down. I’m seriously getting fucked off over nothing. The people at work haven’t done anything to deserve me feeling such animosity toward them right now. It’s just me, just my random bad mood.
My aunt, however…
I feel really bad bitching about her, because she is my best friend in the world. I’m closer to her than I am my own mother, and I love her more than ANYTHING else in this world. But sometimes, oh sometimes I just want to snap. When I moved in with her I thought it would be the best idea ever, and for the majority it has been fantastic living with her. Right now though, I just want to be on my own, I’m seriously thinking of saving for a deposit on a nice flat downtown or something. So I can just be on my own, do my own thing, so I won’t have to deal with other people around me, and mostly so I don’t have to deal with the little snippy comments. I’m sure she doesn’t do it on purpose, but those little comments really get to me.
Like when she tells me I’ve been a bitch for the past two weeks, for example (at the time I hadn’t slept for more than 3 hours a night for the entire time, plus I was getting over the flu. Was I really supposed to be in a good mood?). Or when she asks me what the hell is wrong with me, when I don’t laugh at a joke she made, when I don’t respond when she’s waffling on about a movie I’m trying to watch. Because clearly, if I’m not laughing and smiling and giggling and making funny sarcastic witty quips 24/7 there must be something wrong, and that is not allowed.
Never mind the fact that she suffers from manic-depression, her therapist thinks she’s bipolar, she usually winds up in a psychiatric ward twice a year because she’s suicidal. Never mind that, when she’s in a very low stage, she herself bitches about everything and goes off on one about nothing. That she becomes the most antisocial person in the world and starts arguments with her partner over absolutely nothing at all. I hate those double-standards. It’s okay for her to be down, to be in a bad mood, but god forbid anybody else in the world is anything short of a peppy cheerleader.
I’m in two minds as to whether or not I should even publish this. I know the chances are infinitesimal that she’d ever see this, but I still feel bad even writing it. Even if I’d written it in my private diary, I’d feel some deep sense of guilt about it. Because like I said, I love this woman more than anything else in the world. I would give anything for her to be happy and safe. But right now I’m just so irritated by everything, and little things she says are really getting under my skin. So, I’m going to go ahead and publish the entry. Because it’s truth and it’s real, and what’s the point in having an anonymous blog if I can’t be honest and write what I feel?
Even when right now what I’m feeling is a mix between nothing at all, a craving for total isolation, complete and total apathy, and a little bit of animosity toward everyone around me
All this said, I love you guys, and I want you to know you're not included in my whole "I hate the world and wish it would implode right this minute" feeling. Reading your blogs is keeping me going, reading your entries and being able to relate to somebody else for real instead of just pretending to, it's helping my day be that much less shit-filled.
God... Right now I don't even feel like a real human being.
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