My motherfucking nails keep peeling and it is pissing me off. I've been using this nail strengthener gel for the past 6 weeks or so and they are STILL PEELING. The worst part is that it peels down below the nailbed so I can't just clip off the peeley part and let it grow back. I'm hacking them all off tonight and see what happens. God damn it.
I mean, I know this is due to a vitamin deficiency. Must remember to take vitamins...
Monday, 27 July 2009
On Shooting Yourself In The Foot
Damnit.
Damnit, Damnit DAMNIT!
Why did I have to leave early so much the past three weeks? If I'd stayed until 5 for three days last week I wouldn't be in this position. I left early just because I felt like it. Now, even though I'm exhausted and feel like shit and my body is wanting to pass out, I HAVE to stay until 5:30 today AND tomorrow. And pray that I get into work before 9 again tomorrow otherwise I'll be in past 6. Ughghghgh.
Stupid me.
I've got an hour and a half to go - I've already finished all of my work. I could do extra, but it's not like I get paid any extra for dropping more than a day's worth of work. As it is, I already have the highest output of anyone else in my team. If it would get me a raise right this minute then I would consider it, but I'm ALREADY the best so why should I bust my ass for nothing?
Sigh. Just eighty-five minutes to go. Then sixty on the bus. Then bed.
Damnit, Damnit DAMNIT!
Why did I have to leave early so much the past three weeks? If I'd stayed until 5 for three days last week I wouldn't be in this position. I left early just because I felt like it. Now, even though I'm exhausted and feel like shit and my body is wanting to pass out, I HAVE to stay until 5:30 today AND tomorrow. And pray that I get into work before 9 again tomorrow otherwise I'll be in past 6. Ughghghgh.
Stupid me.
I've got an hour and a half to go - I've already finished all of my work. I could do extra, but it's not like I get paid any extra for dropping more than a day's worth of work. As it is, I already have the highest output of anyone else in my team. If it would get me a raise right this minute then I would consider it, but I'm ALREADY the best so why should I bust my ass for nothing?
Sigh. Just eighty-five minutes to go. Then sixty on the bus. Then bed.
3pm and all is well
The good news is that I've stuck to my guns so far. Lunch was a 10-calorie soup, so that's my total intake for the day as of right now. And the better news is that I'm not even hungry or tempted right now. Yay!
Bad news is that I am absolutely freezing. I've got a thin sweatshirt on with a thick-ish black cardigan over the top and I am so cold. My fingers are frigid and it's a little difficult to type since they're so stiff. I should be getting more green tea to drink to warm myself up, but the truth is, I don't want any. I don't want anything.
Which means I'll probably be ridiculously dehydrated by the morning. Damnit, I need to kick myself in the ass and go get lots to drink.
Starve On,
Vee xox
ps: I signed up for the latest Weight Loss Competition. I couldn't be bothered with all the points and rules and shit before, but it looks like they're doing a new one that is just to see "who can lose the most in the shortest amount of time". I mean there's no way I'd be even a weekly winner or anything, but at least it's some kind of motivation, participation, right? <3
Bad news is that I am absolutely freezing. I've got a thin sweatshirt on with a thick-ish black cardigan over the top and I am so cold. My fingers are frigid and it's a little difficult to type since they're so stiff. I should be getting more green tea to drink to warm myself up, but the truth is, I don't want any. I don't want anything.
Which means I'll probably be ridiculously dehydrated by the morning. Damnit, I need to kick myself in the ass and go get lots to drink.
Starve On,
Vee xox
ps: I signed up for the latest Weight Loss Competition. I couldn't be bothered with all the points and rules and shit before, but it looks like they're doing a new one that is just to see "who can lose the most in the shortest amount of time". I mean there's no way I'd be even a weekly winner or anything, but at least it's some kind of motivation, participation, right? <3
Monday Morning Misery
I hate Mondays. I know they aren’t exactly the more popular days to most people, but my GOD, do I hate them. I suppose I bring some of that on myself, since I tend to stay in bed late on the weekend which in turn screws up my already tenuous sleeping pattern, and then having to get up early for work is a living nightmare.
This morning was, of course, no exception.
Last night, after showering and doing my hair, I did a quick post to my blog and immediately went to bed. Not ten minutes later, my cat started clawing at the door so I had to let her out. Then back in again half an hour later. Then at 1:30 in the morning, she wanted to go out again so I had to drag myself out of bed to open my bedroom door yet again. By this time I’d dozed for maybe ten minutes.
In the end, I think I finally managed to fall asleep around 4ish, and even then my sleep was fitful. I remember waking up at least three times between 5 and 6, and then dozed restlessly on and off from 6:20 until my alarm went off at 6:45.
I woke up feeling like hell. A little uneasy and nauseous, dizzy, but mostly completely fucking exhausted. I dragged myself to the bathroom to get ready for work, but my aunt called me from her room and told me she wasn’t going to work today. Great. I mentioned in my last post that I have 3 hours to make up between today and tomorrow, on top of my usual 7 hours each day. So last night I asked my aunt what time she was leaving – I figured, if she was leaving early I’d go with her and get my morning ride to the bus stop, but if she was starting late, I’d get up half an hour earlier to ensure I’d still get to work before 8:30. So, my aunt telling me at the last minute that she wasn’t going to work today totally screwed up my plans. Instead of getting to work for 8:20 like I’d planned to, I got to my desk at 8:45, which means I have to stay until between 5:30 and 5:45 to make up the extra time (I need to calculate exactly what I need to make up, but either way it’s not good).
And of course, instead of taking this news and being able to hurry to get out the door sooner to make up time, I wound up having to spend 20 minutes on the toilet with an upset stomach. Ugh. No idea what caused that, probably just my body being pissed off that it didn’t get any sleep last night or something. But in the end I didn’t leave the house until 5 minutes AFTER I should have left with my aunt.
Halfway into my 20-minute walk to the bus stop, I suddenly realized I wasn’t sure whether or not I locked the door when I left. Of course by this time, I was pissed off and felt sick and didn’t give a damn, and there was no way in hell I was going to waste an extra 20 minutes walking home and back again just to check the door. We live in a safe neighbourhood, and it’s the back door that I used, so it should be fine… But I’m half expecting a bitchy text from one of my aunts around noon.
Also, my bread-binge did some damage, but not an immense amount. I’m up a pound this morning, but still down 1 overall from last Thursday morning. Which, in my opinion, is not nearly good enough, but at least I’m still down after having a bad weekend. To make up for it, I left my bag of grapes in the fridge at home – I have a 10 calorie chicken soup that I’m going to have for lunch instead (IF my stomach calms down enough to allow it. I just had a sip of green tea and it’s churning in my stomach like an ocean storm right now, oh god). When I get home I’ll either have… a frozen Shepherd’s Pie (220 calories) or a can of English cop-out fake hot dogs when I get home (I think for a whole can of 8 little hot dogs, it’s like 200 calories) so either way my total will be in a totally acceptable level and I should see another decent loss in the morning.
My room is like a glorified storage closet right now. And I know I’m not going to do a damn thing about it tonight, which is what I’d planned to do. Instead, I’m so damn tired, that I’m going to go home, eat something (hmm, or maybe skip food altogether and blame it on feeling sick), throw some laundry in the washing machine, and go to bed for the night.
Tomorrow I’ll try to do some organizing. I have two big bags of books, two boxes of godknowswhat, and a bag that has some stuffed animals and film cells and framed photos in it, that I need to find a home for. The books aren’t too bad, it’s the rest of it. Mental note, I need to get a shoe rack or something to put on the back of my door =/
Anyway, I should go get some work done. I really don’t want to be here, and in all honesty I probably should have just stayed at home today, but I have to make up these hours by the end of tomorrow, and I’m here now so I might as well persevere.
Still, I wonder if anyone would notice if I took a two-hour nap under my desk at lunchtime…?
This morning was, of course, no exception.
Last night, after showering and doing my hair, I did a quick post to my blog and immediately went to bed. Not ten minutes later, my cat started clawing at the door so I had to let her out. Then back in again half an hour later. Then at 1:30 in the morning, she wanted to go out again so I had to drag myself out of bed to open my bedroom door yet again. By this time I’d dozed for maybe ten minutes.
In the end, I think I finally managed to fall asleep around 4ish, and even then my sleep was fitful. I remember waking up at least three times between 5 and 6, and then dozed restlessly on and off from 6:20 until my alarm went off at 6:45.
I woke up feeling like hell. A little uneasy and nauseous, dizzy, but mostly completely fucking exhausted. I dragged myself to the bathroom to get ready for work, but my aunt called me from her room and told me she wasn’t going to work today. Great. I mentioned in my last post that I have 3 hours to make up between today and tomorrow, on top of my usual 7 hours each day. So last night I asked my aunt what time she was leaving – I figured, if she was leaving early I’d go with her and get my morning ride to the bus stop, but if she was starting late, I’d get up half an hour earlier to ensure I’d still get to work before 8:30. So, my aunt telling me at the last minute that she wasn’t going to work today totally screwed up my plans. Instead of getting to work for 8:20 like I’d planned to, I got to my desk at 8:45, which means I have to stay until between 5:30 and 5:45 to make up the extra time (I need to calculate exactly what I need to make up, but either way it’s not good).
And of course, instead of taking this news and being able to hurry to get out the door sooner to make up time, I wound up having to spend 20 minutes on the toilet with an upset stomach. Ugh. No idea what caused that, probably just my body being pissed off that it didn’t get any sleep last night or something. But in the end I didn’t leave the house until 5 minutes AFTER I should have left with my aunt.
Halfway into my 20-minute walk to the bus stop, I suddenly realized I wasn’t sure whether or not I locked the door when I left. Of course by this time, I was pissed off and felt sick and didn’t give a damn, and there was no way in hell I was going to waste an extra 20 minutes walking home and back again just to check the door. We live in a safe neighbourhood, and it’s the back door that I used, so it should be fine… But I’m half expecting a bitchy text from one of my aunts around noon.
Also, my bread-binge did some damage, but not an immense amount. I’m up a pound this morning, but still down 1 overall from last Thursday morning. Which, in my opinion, is not nearly good enough, but at least I’m still down after having a bad weekend. To make up for it, I left my bag of grapes in the fridge at home – I have a 10 calorie chicken soup that I’m going to have for lunch instead (IF my stomach calms down enough to allow it. I just had a sip of green tea and it’s churning in my stomach like an ocean storm right now, oh god). When I get home I’ll either have… a frozen Shepherd’s Pie (220 calories) or a can of English cop-out fake hot dogs when I get home (I think for a whole can of 8 little hot dogs, it’s like 200 calories) so either way my total will be in a totally acceptable level and I should see another decent loss in the morning.
My room is like a glorified storage closet right now. And I know I’m not going to do a damn thing about it tonight, which is what I’d planned to do. Instead, I’m so damn tired, that I’m going to go home, eat something (hmm, or maybe skip food altogether and blame it on feeling sick), throw some laundry in the washing machine, and go to bed for the night.
Tomorrow I’ll try to do some organizing. I have two big bags of books, two boxes of godknowswhat, and a bag that has some stuffed animals and film cells and framed photos in it, that I need to find a home for. The books aren’t too bad, it’s the rest of it. Mental note, I need to get a shoe rack or something to put on the back of my door =/
Anyway, I should go get some work done. I really don’t want to be here, and in all honesty I probably should have just stayed at home today, but I have to make up these hours by the end of tomorrow, and I’m here now so I might as well persevere.
Still, I wonder if anyone would notice if I took a two-hour nap under my desk at lunchtime…?
Sunday, 26 July 2009
Progress, Baby!
So, I haven't had a chance to do any "roundup" posts this weekend, but not a lot has happened anyway. Friday morning when I woke up, I'd dropped exactly 2lbs from Thursday morning. I didn't lose any this weekend, but I maintained, which is at least something (especially when my aunt noticed I hadn't eaten in the morning and I had to get something from the fish-and-chip shop with the family yesterday afternoon - didn't eat much, still felt guilty as all fuck and sick to boot, BUT I DIDN'T GAIN which is excellent).
I'm not at a point right now where I'm comfortable posting my actual weight. Hopefully I'll get back within a comfortable zone soon.
Oh also, a quick note to Dot: Thank you for your comments my dear, I adore you =] I'll get around to giving you some real responses hopefully tomorrow (I'm posting this and then going to bed haha) but I just wanted to thank you for your wonderful words and for reading my blog <3
Seeing my great-aunt and uncle yesterday was not what I expected. What with the news that we had about the cancer and the crappy life expectancy, I was kind of expecting her to be emaciated and very sickly looking and frail. But she wasn't. She looked a little bit drawn and off-colour, but aside from that she looked exactly the same as always. Which kind of made it harder, in a sense, I guess. It was a little awkward as well. I was sitting on the floor, so everyone else could sit on my granny's sofa and chairs, and I kept wanting to stare at her, seeking signs of illness in the way she looked or the way she moved or held herself or something. But then of course, I couldn't very well just sit and stare, so I had to make polite conversation instead. Of course, I couldn't concentrate and made a super shitty conversationalist. Even my usual witty one-liners were severely lacking.
This conversation happened while I was fidgeting inside the chip shop with my great-uncle while my grandpa ran across the street to get my aunt some diet coke:
Uncle: So what are you, my great-neice or something?
Me: Yep, great neice. Better than a regular neice!
Uncle: *stiff laughter*
I mean I'm not the BEST in most social situations to begin with, but my god that was the most awkward ten minutes in recent history. He complimented my teeth (I still had braces the last time I saw him) and I started rambling on. Sigh. I'm embarassed and cringing remembering.
After we ate, my aunts and my cousin and I went back to our house to let the dog out, and my cousin had a wander around the house and went through our CD case. Then we were off to the cinema, got some drinks, and went to settle down in the theatre. First my cousin was a bit weirded out because it was one of the largest screens in the cinema, and we sat at the back, so I think he was concerned that he would somehow fall down and it was a long way up. Then, he'd got a large pop, and after every sip he burped very LOUDLY, which was a little offputting. I mean I love him and I guess he can't help it, but I can be pretty banal about people not being quiet at the cinema... even though I'd already seen the movie, haha.
I wanted to stay up late last night just so I wasn't wasting away my weekend, but fell asleep just after midnight. Woke up this morning with a killer headache, so I stayed in bed until... 12:30 or so? I didn't sleep the entire time of course, but still felt ridiculously lazy. At one point, I was laid on my stomach and I lifted my upper body and turned my head to the side to stretch - by then, my body was sore from being in bed for twelve hours - and honestly thought I'd pulled a muscle in my neck. It hurt all down one side and was throbbing horribly. I kept rubbing it and pressed my face into the pillow so my neck was straight, and after about half an hour it started to abate.. although it feels a bit sensitive now.
There's always something isn't there?
Anyway, due to my headache I had a bit of a binge on bread, but that's all I ate today so I'm hoping the results aren't TOO disastrous to behold on the scale tomorrow morning =/
In more positive news, I've restocked on healthy food. I have two small snack-sized tins of Tuna in the cupboard, which can serve as a lunch or something next weekend. A bag of grapes that will last a couple of days worth of lunch at work. A few weight watchers' frozen meals, that are all under 350 calories. So, if that's all I have in a day, I should be ok. I've got a load of 10 calorie soups too, so they'll carry me over and keep me warm, and I've still got a ton of green tea and splenda sweetener tablets on my desk at work. And that is all I am planning on consuming this week.
My aunt's made a few interesting...
Ok. Before I continue, it must be known that I am getting VERY VERY FUCKED OFF WITH MY LAPTOP (yeah, I caved and bought a laptop, and went against what everyone said and got a Dell Studio 15 and upgraded it because it was the cheapest for what I wanted and OH GOD I AM SO STUPID). As I'm typing, my pinkie nail must be hitting a button when I go to hit the shift key because FOUR TIMES NOW I've been typing when suddenly the fucking thing has highlighted a full paragraph of text and deleted all but half of the first line. STOP DOING THAT!
Okay, back to the post.
My aunt's made a few interesting comments this weekend. She started her pre-surgery yogurt-and-milk diet on Friday - two fat-free yogurts and 3 pints of milk per day, to be supplemented only with water or diet/sugar-free drinks like diet coke or sugarfree juice. Now, like me, she's a bit lactose intolerant. Not in the sense that, if she has a spoon of ice cream or some milk in her tea, she'll immediately projectile vomit, or anything. More in the sense that often her body rejects copious amounts of dairy products. Most obvious is when she eats something cheesy, and her stomach gets really upset afterward. This happens to me, too. Sometimes eating yogurt or ice cream or having tea with too much milk in it will make me feel nausous or give me an upset stomach. Cheese almost ALWAYS makes me sick, and if I were to drink a glass of milk on its own I *would* be sick.
But I'm digressing.
So, on Friday she did alright with her diet, but wasn't feeling fabulous. Yesterday she got through the day, although feeling nauseous almost constantly. Then last night, after she took her tablets, she almost immediately had to run upstairs to vomit up the milk she'd just had - along with most of the yogurt she'd had during the day too. Apparently, it looked and tasted like sour milk. And dude, that comment on its own almost made ME sick.
So, she said in passing that "obviously she can't have the milk" and "she might as well just do an anorexic diet and have nothing but yogurt and water for the next ten days" adding that she "could do it if it was just a ten-day water fast or something" but that it was the milk that was making it hard for her.
And I so badly wanted to scream and say, then why do people make such a big deal when I skip lunch? For chrissakes, she can sit there and say with a straight face that she could fast for ten days? I bet if I even mentioned that I wanted to do a three-day juice fast or something the shit would hit the fan. But I guess that remains to be seen.
At least now there's less influence as to what I'm eating. And because we aren't all making food at the same time, people are less likely to notice what and when I am eating, so fingers crossed it will be even easier than I thought to get away with it now... but, I guess we'll see. I'm not expecting the pressure to slacken any, to be perfectly honest. I'm just hoping.
Anyway I need to go to bed... I have to make up 3 hours in the next two days, so I can't be late for work tomorrow (unless I feel like working til 7 and hellno).
Hope you all had a fab weekend!
Stay Strong,
Vee xox
I'm not at a point right now where I'm comfortable posting my actual weight. Hopefully I'll get back within a comfortable zone soon.
Oh also, a quick note to Dot: Thank you for your comments my dear, I adore you =] I'll get around to giving you some real responses hopefully tomorrow (I'm posting this and then going to bed haha) but I just wanted to thank you for your wonderful words and for reading my blog <3
Seeing my great-aunt and uncle yesterday was not what I expected. What with the news that we had about the cancer and the crappy life expectancy, I was kind of expecting her to be emaciated and very sickly looking and frail. But she wasn't. She looked a little bit drawn and off-colour, but aside from that she looked exactly the same as always. Which kind of made it harder, in a sense, I guess. It was a little awkward as well. I was sitting on the floor, so everyone else could sit on my granny's sofa and chairs, and I kept wanting to stare at her, seeking signs of illness in the way she looked or the way she moved or held herself or something. But then of course, I couldn't very well just sit and stare, so I had to make polite conversation instead. Of course, I couldn't concentrate and made a super shitty conversationalist. Even my usual witty one-liners were severely lacking.
This conversation happened while I was fidgeting inside the chip shop with my great-uncle while my grandpa ran across the street to get my aunt some diet coke:
Uncle: So what are you, my great-neice or something?
Me: Yep, great neice. Better than a regular neice!
Uncle: *stiff laughter*
I mean I'm not the BEST in most social situations to begin with, but my god that was the most awkward ten minutes in recent history. He complimented my teeth (I still had braces the last time I saw him) and I started rambling on. Sigh. I'm embarassed and cringing remembering.
After we ate, my aunts and my cousin and I went back to our house to let the dog out, and my cousin had a wander around the house and went through our CD case. Then we were off to the cinema, got some drinks, and went to settle down in the theatre. First my cousin was a bit weirded out because it was one of the largest screens in the cinema, and we sat at the back, so I think he was concerned that he would somehow fall down and it was a long way up. Then, he'd got a large pop, and after every sip he burped very LOUDLY, which was a little offputting. I mean I love him and I guess he can't help it, but I can be pretty banal about people not being quiet at the cinema... even though I'd already seen the movie, haha.
I wanted to stay up late last night just so I wasn't wasting away my weekend, but fell asleep just after midnight. Woke up this morning with a killer headache, so I stayed in bed until... 12:30 or so? I didn't sleep the entire time of course, but still felt ridiculously lazy. At one point, I was laid on my stomach and I lifted my upper body and turned my head to the side to stretch - by then, my body was sore from being in bed for twelve hours - and honestly thought I'd pulled a muscle in my neck. It hurt all down one side and was throbbing horribly. I kept rubbing it and pressed my face into the pillow so my neck was straight, and after about half an hour it started to abate.. although it feels a bit sensitive now.
There's always something isn't there?
Anyway, due to my headache I had a bit of a binge on bread, but that's all I ate today so I'm hoping the results aren't TOO disastrous to behold on the scale tomorrow morning =/
In more positive news, I've restocked on healthy food. I have two small snack-sized tins of Tuna in the cupboard, which can serve as a lunch or something next weekend. A bag of grapes that will last a couple of days worth of lunch at work. A few weight watchers' frozen meals, that are all under 350 calories. So, if that's all I have in a day, I should be ok. I've got a load of 10 calorie soups too, so they'll carry me over and keep me warm, and I've still got a ton of green tea and splenda sweetener tablets on my desk at work. And that is all I am planning on consuming this week.
My aunt's made a few interesting...
Ok. Before I continue, it must be known that I am getting VERY VERY FUCKED OFF WITH MY LAPTOP (yeah, I caved and bought a laptop, and went against what everyone said and got a Dell Studio 15 and upgraded it because it was the cheapest for what I wanted and OH GOD I AM SO STUPID). As I'm typing, my pinkie nail must be hitting a button when I go to hit the shift key because FOUR TIMES NOW I've been typing when suddenly the fucking thing has highlighted a full paragraph of text and deleted all but half of the first line. STOP DOING THAT!
Okay, back to the post.
My aunt's made a few interesting comments this weekend. She started her pre-surgery yogurt-and-milk diet on Friday - two fat-free yogurts and 3 pints of milk per day, to be supplemented only with water or diet/sugar-free drinks like diet coke or sugarfree juice. Now, like me, she's a bit lactose intolerant. Not in the sense that, if she has a spoon of ice cream or some milk in her tea, she'll immediately projectile vomit, or anything. More in the sense that often her body rejects copious amounts of dairy products. Most obvious is when she eats something cheesy, and her stomach gets really upset afterward. This happens to me, too. Sometimes eating yogurt or ice cream or having tea with too much milk in it will make me feel nausous or give me an upset stomach. Cheese almost ALWAYS makes me sick, and if I were to drink a glass of milk on its own I *would* be sick.
But I'm digressing.
So, on Friday she did alright with her diet, but wasn't feeling fabulous. Yesterday she got through the day, although feeling nauseous almost constantly. Then last night, after she took her tablets, she almost immediately had to run upstairs to vomit up the milk she'd just had - along with most of the yogurt she'd had during the day too. Apparently, it looked and tasted like sour milk. And dude, that comment on its own almost made ME sick.
So, she said in passing that "obviously she can't have the milk" and "she might as well just do an anorexic diet and have nothing but yogurt and water for the next ten days" adding that she "could do it if it was just a ten-day water fast or something" but that it was the milk that was making it hard for her.
And I so badly wanted to scream and say, then why do people make such a big deal when I skip lunch? For chrissakes, she can sit there and say with a straight face that she could fast for ten days? I bet if I even mentioned that I wanted to do a three-day juice fast or something the shit would hit the fan. But I guess that remains to be seen.
At least now there's less influence as to what I'm eating. And because we aren't all making food at the same time, people are less likely to notice what and when I am eating, so fingers crossed it will be even easier than I thought to get away with it now... but, I guess we'll see. I'm not expecting the pressure to slacken any, to be perfectly honest. I'm just hoping.
Anyway I need to go to bed... I have to make up 3 hours in the next two days, so I can't be late for work tomorrow (unless I feel like working til 7 and hellno).
Hope you all had a fab weekend!
Stay Strong,
Vee xox
Friday, 24 July 2009
New Format? The Daily Roundup
I’m going to try out a new format. It probably won’t work but we’ll see. Right now, I tend to post pretty sporadically, sometimes a billion times a day just to update. What I’m thinking of doing now is doing a post at the end of the day to overview the success/failures of each day.
This isn’t to say that my posting will dwindle from my sometimes ten-posts-per-day frequency or anything. I just think that my Progress Update posts should be a little better formatted and easy to read, in an overview format. I still intend to write the other kinds of posts I usually do, as and when I feel the need to do so (ie: anything unrelated to daily intake and caloric output and weight gains and losses, so things like my cancer post and any other updates).
Some people have separate blogs for this purpose – one to chronicle their lives and thoughts and emotions as a whole, and a second one simply to put the statistics for the day – and I have thought about this, but don’t think it’s for me. As it is, I’ve almost entirely neglected my other, public blog in favour of this one, and I think if I split things up I would just post in one and not the other. We’ll see, though, it’s always an option if this place gets cluttered and messy and maybe confusing. But I don’t really see that happening.
So that said, I’m not going to post totals and stuff in my duringtheday posts. Pff, who am I kidding, I probably still will… But I’m going to have a “roundup” every night to go over everything together, at once. That way any progress and setbacks and trends will be easy to see, just by bringing up the Roundup tag and reading those posts. =]
Stay strong!
Vee xox
This isn’t to say that my posting will dwindle from my sometimes ten-posts-per-day frequency or anything. I just think that my Progress Update posts should be a little better formatted and easy to read, in an overview format. I still intend to write the other kinds of posts I usually do, as and when I feel the need to do so (ie: anything unrelated to daily intake and caloric output and weight gains and losses, so things like my cancer post and any other updates).
Some people have separate blogs for this purpose – one to chronicle their lives and thoughts and emotions as a whole, and a second one simply to put the statistics for the day – and I have thought about this, but don’t think it’s for me. As it is, I’ve almost entirely neglected my other, public blog in favour of this one, and I think if I split things up I would just post in one and not the other. We’ll see, though, it’s always an option if this place gets cluttered and messy and maybe confusing. But I don’t really see that happening.
So that said, I’m not going to post totals and stuff in my duringtheday posts. Pff, who am I kidding, I probably still will… But I’m going to have a “roundup” every night to go over everything together, at once. That way any progress and setbacks and trends will be easy to see, just by bringing up the Roundup tag and reading those posts. =]
Stay strong!
Vee xox
Thursday, 23 July 2009
Without pain, without sacrifice, we would have nothing. Like the first monkey shot into space.
Quote from Fight Club. I was going to use a different quote to title this post, one about insomnia, but *this* quote speaks to me a lot more. Because it's not just about not being able to sleep and feeling like a fictional zombie all the time - but this is a quote that could be the title of the soundtrack to my life. And I'm betting a lot of you out there see the same.
Without pain, without sacrifice, we would have nothing.
And it's true. And this is exactly why we do what we do. Because we have to, or we have nothing.
But anyway, I'm getting off topic, as I am so often wont to do. The reason the original quote I wanted to use was about insomnia because oh my god you guys, I have not been this tired in SO GOD DAMN LONG. My eating has still been borderline normal - and it's been hard not to turn into a bingey mess because my aunt has been ordering takeout all week. She's got her surgery date (August 3rd) and is starting her ten-day milk-and-yogurt-diet tomorrow. So today is the last day that there will be any temptation at all in my house. Aside from that which I create for myself. But I'm determined that I'll be able to stick to my guns now. I can't be tempted by the ice cream they're buying, or the pizza they want to order, or the fish and chips they're going to get on the way home from work.
And I am so excited! It's so weird, this giddy feeling inside, knowing that I won't have to come home to my aunt telling me she bought us fatty four-cheese tortellini for dinner and asking me to make it for us with garlic bread. I am so looking forward to the starvation high.
But I am still SO tired. I've has issues with insomnia on and off since I was in my early teens. Lately it hasn't seemed as bad - but the sleep I am getting is of such a low quality that I feel as though I haven't slept at all. The other night, my cat escaped just as I was going to bed, and because I can't sleep with my door open (my aunts noise plus light from the rest of the house keeps me awake), J said she'd let the cat in my room when she came in/before she went to bed. I went to bed just before midnight and I was completely lost to the world when J let the cat in around 1:30. This is so unlike me and when I woke up the next morning an hour before my alarm, I thought - AWESOME. I'd managed to sleep a good six hours straight without interruption, and now I had another hour to doze before I had to get ready for work. But - and this is a huge but - although I'd slept like a rock for six hours, I felt like I hadn't slept in days.
This morning, I feel jet-lagged. I can't think straight. I got to work an hour ago and have done nothing yet because I can't concentrate on anything. And I know there are other big things going on in my life right now (see my previous post), but I don't think that's the cause of this. This is just my fucked up physiology telling me that no, nothing in my life will ever be easy, because I do not deserve easy. So even though I'd finally managed to get a full night's sleep, it had no effect at all. I woke up the other morning feeling worse than when I'd gone to bed.
And then last night I barely slept at all - hence the jet-lagged feeling, I guess. I'm so sick to death of this, but there's nothing I can do. Over the counter sleep aids do nothing to help me sleep. And my doctor took me off prescription sleeping pills because they weren't helping me sleep, but they WERE making me sick and feel hungover. I hate milk, so warm milk is out of the question (I just gagged a little while envisioning a pot of milk on the stove, haha). I don't know. I don't think this post really has much of a purpose other than to whine about being tired and that my aunt's surgery is coming up in a couple weeks yay.
I feel like I really just need some time off work, some time on my own, to just... god, I don't know. Relax, I guess. My job is not generally stressful or anything, I just feel like I could do without HAVING to do anything. Maybe if I have nothing to do or think about, I can figure out who I am again, who I want to be. Random profound statement, right there. I also really need to re-join a gym, except that I can't afford to, so the treadmill in my room will have to suffice for now. Except that my room is now once again crammed with boxes and trash bags full of STUFF that needs to be sorted out (the last bits from the old house were brought over this week and dumped in my room, and I haven't had the energy to do much of anything with it yet), so I have to create room again to pull the treadmill out.
Also, I think I have the only cat in the world who goes outside all evening, comes inside to take a shit in her litter box, and then demands to be let outside again.
Akahsdjahs. I'm all over the place today and I can't make my mind focus on a particular topic, and it's frustrating me. So I'll finish off on this note.
My great-aunt and uncle are coming to my granny's for lunch on Saturday (they're getting fish and chips - in a "show of solidarity" for my aunts who cannot eat any of it, I'll be skipping the lunch) and I think my second-cousin (the one with Down's Syndrome) is staying at my grandmother's house for the weekend. So we're taking him to see the new Harry Potter movie in the afternoon, and at least I'll get to see my great-aunt for the first time since the cancer news broke.
From my reasearch though, her condition sounds like Thalassemia (that might be spelled wrong) - but thalassemia isn't actually cancer, it's a genetic blood disease. So I need to find out what it is that she has this weekend, so I can research properly.
Anyway I need to try to get some work done. All I want to do is curl up under my desk and die. At least then maybe I'd get some decent sleep.
Vee xox
Without pain, without sacrifice, we would have nothing.
And it's true. And this is exactly why we do what we do. Because we have to, or we have nothing.
But anyway, I'm getting off topic, as I am so often wont to do. The reason the original quote I wanted to use was about insomnia because oh my god you guys, I have not been this tired in SO GOD DAMN LONG. My eating has still been borderline normal - and it's been hard not to turn into a bingey mess because my aunt has been ordering takeout all week. She's got her surgery date (August 3rd) and is starting her ten-day milk-and-yogurt-diet tomorrow. So today is the last day that there will be any temptation at all in my house. Aside from that which I create for myself. But I'm determined that I'll be able to stick to my guns now. I can't be tempted by the ice cream they're buying, or the pizza they want to order, or the fish and chips they're going to get on the way home from work.
And I am so excited! It's so weird, this giddy feeling inside, knowing that I won't have to come home to my aunt telling me she bought us fatty four-cheese tortellini for dinner and asking me to make it for us with garlic bread. I am so looking forward to the starvation high.
But I am still SO tired. I've has issues with insomnia on and off since I was in my early teens. Lately it hasn't seemed as bad - but the sleep I am getting is of such a low quality that I feel as though I haven't slept at all. The other night, my cat escaped just as I was going to bed, and because I can't sleep with my door open (my aunts noise plus light from the rest of the house keeps me awake), J said she'd let the cat in my room when she came in/before she went to bed. I went to bed just before midnight and I was completely lost to the world when J let the cat in around 1:30. This is so unlike me and when I woke up the next morning an hour before my alarm, I thought - AWESOME. I'd managed to sleep a good six hours straight without interruption, and now I had another hour to doze before I had to get ready for work. But - and this is a huge but - although I'd slept like a rock for six hours, I felt like I hadn't slept in days.
This morning, I feel jet-lagged. I can't think straight. I got to work an hour ago and have done nothing yet because I can't concentrate on anything. And I know there are other big things going on in my life right now (see my previous post), but I don't think that's the cause of this. This is just my fucked up physiology telling me that no, nothing in my life will ever be easy, because I do not deserve easy. So even though I'd finally managed to get a full night's sleep, it had no effect at all. I woke up the other morning feeling worse than when I'd gone to bed.
And then last night I barely slept at all - hence the jet-lagged feeling, I guess. I'm so sick to death of this, but there's nothing I can do. Over the counter sleep aids do nothing to help me sleep. And my doctor took me off prescription sleeping pills because they weren't helping me sleep, but they WERE making me sick and feel hungover. I hate milk, so warm milk is out of the question (I just gagged a little while envisioning a pot of milk on the stove, haha). I don't know. I don't think this post really has much of a purpose other than to whine about being tired and that my aunt's surgery is coming up in a couple weeks yay.
I feel like I really just need some time off work, some time on my own, to just... god, I don't know. Relax, I guess. My job is not generally stressful or anything, I just feel like I could do without HAVING to do anything. Maybe if I have nothing to do or think about, I can figure out who I am again, who I want to be. Random profound statement, right there. I also really need to re-join a gym, except that I can't afford to, so the treadmill in my room will have to suffice for now. Except that my room is now once again crammed with boxes and trash bags full of STUFF that needs to be sorted out (the last bits from the old house were brought over this week and dumped in my room, and I haven't had the energy to do much of anything with it yet), so I have to create room again to pull the treadmill out.
Also, I think I have the only cat in the world who goes outside all evening, comes inside to take a shit in her litter box, and then demands to be let outside again.
Akahsdjahs. I'm all over the place today and I can't make my mind focus on a particular topic, and it's frustrating me. So I'll finish off on this note.
My great-aunt and uncle are coming to my granny's for lunch on Saturday (they're getting fish and chips - in a "show of solidarity" for my aunts who cannot eat any of it, I'll be skipping the lunch) and I think my second-cousin (the one with Down's Syndrome) is staying at my grandmother's house for the weekend. So we're taking him to see the new Harry Potter movie in the afternoon, and at least I'll get to see my great-aunt for the first time since the cancer news broke.
From my reasearch though, her condition sounds like Thalassemia (that might be spelled wrong) - but thalassemia isn't actually cancer, it's a genetic blood disease. So I need to find out what it is that she has this weekend, so I can research properly.
Anyway I need to try to get some work done. All I want to do is curl up under my desk and die. At least then maybe I'd get some decent sleep.
Vee xox
Monday, 20 July 2009
Cancer: Not The Crab
I mentioned in my previous post of bad times about cancer in the family. So, for those who are interested, here’s the full story.
Near the end of last year, my grandma’s sister (my great-aunt) was pretty sick. She had a bunch of tests done and her doctor said she had some condition that could potentially be a precursor to leukaemia. She had been undergoing treatment for that.
Now, though, my grandmother had told us that my great-aunt HAS cancer. I need to do some research to find the name and implications, but it’s essentially the opposite of Leukaemia – in that, her body is not producing white blood cells.
She can’t have a bone marrow transplant because her doctor said point-blank, it would kill her.
She’s currently having blood transfusions to keep her going. However, her doctor said she can have twenty of these – after 20 transfusions, they will be doing more harm than good to her body and would slowly kill her over time anyway.
So far in her treatment, she has had 8. Next month she has another 2. That leaves 10 transfusions, which is maybe 5 months if she’s having one every fortnight.
After the transfusions have stopped, there is some drug that she MIGHT be able to take, an injection into the spine. The injections, if she takes them, will eventually render her paralyzed below the waist.
The injections are administered monthly. Each one costs £1,000. And they are NOT covered by the NHS. My great-uncle has already been paying privately for her treatment; he’s now having to put their (super, super nice!) house up for sale now to try to get the money for the injections.
He has a friend in Dubai who owns a company that is the equivalent of Boots (or, I guess, like a Shopper’s Drug Mart in North America?) – that is to say, it deals in pharmaceuticals and prescriptions. He’s going to see if he can get the medication cheaper for them.
But, here’s the stinker. It’s not a guarantee that she’ll be able to take this medication. Even if she does, the cost is exorbitant, and will paralyze her. And they might not work.
If she can’t get them, or they don’t work… well, once the transfusions have stopped, she has six months to live.
Bad times.
Perhaps the saddest part is that she's planning a party in October - a big get-together, so she can have her family all together and see everyone one last time.
And the part that makes ME the saddest, is that my mom isn't coming.
Near the end of last year, my grandma’s sister (my great-aunt) was pretty sick. She had a bunch of tests done and her doctor said she had some condition that could potentially be a precursor to leukaemia. She had been undergoing treatment for that.
Now, though, my grandmother had told us that my great-aunt HAS cancer. I need to do some research to find the name and implications, but it’s essentially the opposite of Leukaemia – in that, her body is not producing white blood cells.
She can’t have a bone marrow transplant because her doctor said point-blank, it would kill her.
She’s currently having blood transfusions to keep her going. However, her doctor said she can have twenty of these – after 20 transfusions, they will be doing more harm than good to her body and would slowly kill her over time anyway.
So far in her treatment, she has had 8. Next month she has another 2. That leaves 10 transfusions, which is maybe 5 months if she’s having one every fortnight.
After the transfusions have stopped, there is some drug that she MIGHT be able to take, an injection into the spine. The injections, if she takes them, will eventually render her paralyzed below the waist.
The injections are administered monthly. Each one costs £1,000. And they are NOT covered by the NHS. My great-uncle has already been paying privately for her treatment; he’s now having to put their (super, super nice!) house up for sale now to try to get the money for the injections.
He has a friend in Dubai who owns a company that is the equivalent of Boots (or, I guess, like a Shopper’s Drug Mart in North America?) – that is to say, it deals in pharmaceuticals and prescriptions. He’s going to see if he can get the medication cheaper for them.
But, here’s the stinker. It’s not a guarantee that she’ll be able to take this medication. Even if she does, the cost is exorbitant, and will paralyze her. And they might not work.
If she can’t get them, or they don’t work… well, once the transfusions have stopped, she has six months to live.
Bad times.
Perhaps the saddest part is that she's planning a party in October - a big get-together, so she can have her family all together and see everyone one last time.
And the part that makes ME the saddest, is that my mom isn't coming.
And now back to your regularly scheduled programming
So. Bad things have been going on.
Work is mostly okay, it’s just been busy.
My grandfather read the title sticker on one of my Amazon purchases and apparently went on a tirade to my aunt demanding to know why I’m buying books about eating disorders (I’ve had to try to lay low for a while until this blows over. Honestly though, I’m a fucking whale, how could anybody look at me and honestly think I have an ED?)
J has been moody as all hell and I have no idea what her problem is.
My aunt’s mood has been up and down but she has her surgery date now (August 3rd) so hopefully she’ll be able to chill a little.
My own mood is trying to inch closer and closer to rock bottom.
My grandmother’s sister (my favourite great-aunt) has cancer. It is the opposite of Leukaemia, but I can’t remember the name. Something to do with her body not producing white blood cells, I think. Chances are good that she will be dead this time next year. I’ll write a separate post about this later.
Shit keeps going down back in Canada. My mom called this weekend in tears because shit had hit the fan again. Long story short, my brother threw a tantrum over something dumb, his father got into a fight with him (a physical fight, not a screaming-match fight), my brother isn’t living at home, and now his ex-girlfriend has told my mom she’s not allowed to see my nephew. So my mom is taking this to mean she is a bad mother and is upset because she is VERY sensitive on this point. And it makes my heart ache that I can’t say “You’re not a bad mother” and really, truly mean it.
I bought a juicer so I could do my first juice-fast, all natural, and the fucking thing does not work. Now I have a SHITTON of fruit in my kitchen threatening to go bad, so I think I’m on a three-day fruit diet. By shitton of fruit I mean eight apples, six pears, a punnet of strawberries, two punnetts of cherries, a bag of grapes, seven bananas and a quarter of a watermelon.
Mostly it’s been little stresses, but some of the bombs are huge (read: cancer). But it’s been burying me, and I’ve had to take some time to myself. To be honest, I haven’t had the motivation to come and write here. Even though I need the outlet, all I’ve been wanting to do is curl up in my bed and cry myself to sleep every night.
Except I can’t even cry.
And I don’t know what’s wrong with me but I CAN NOT make myself restrict. I keep going into a binge mode. It’s not that I’m eating a huge amount, I’m eating “normally” or sub-normal even. But my head goes into that state of mind where you physically can’t stop. It’s like you’re outside watching your body on auto pilot and there’s nothing you can do about it. Stress and depression are making me crazy right now, and my inability to get control over my eating and drop some fucking weight is making it so much worse. I haven’t been eating enough to gain, but I’ve been unable to lose for weeks and I’m still a fucking monster. But I’m not giving up the fight and until I manage to get my eating completely under control.
All this is to say, I’m sorry I’ve been gone again. But I’m back. And I’m really going to need your support and motivation to get my head working right again. Right now I don’t even know who I am.
Work is mostly okay, it’s just been busy.
My grandfather read the title sticker on one of my Amazon purchases and apparently went on a tirade to my aunt demanding to know why I’m buying books about eating disorders (I’ve had to try to lay low for a while until this blows over. Honestly though, I’m a fucking whale, how could anybody look at me and honestly think I have an ED?)
J has been moody as all hell and I have no idea what her problem is.
My aunt’s mood has been up and down but she has her surgery date now (August 3rd) so hopefully she’ll be able to chill a little.
My own mood is trying to inch closer and closer to rock bottom.
My grandmother’s sister (my favourite great-aunt) has cancer. It is the opposite of Leukaemia, but I can’t remember the name. Something to do with her body not producing white blood cells, I think. Chances are good that she will be dead this time next year. I’ll write a separate post about this later.
Shit keeps going down back in Canada. My mom called this weekend in tears because shit had hit the fan again. Long story short, my brother threw a tantrum over something dumb, his father got into a fight with him (a physical fight, not a screaming-match fight), my brother isn’t living at home, and now his ex-girlfriend has told my mom she’s not allowed to see my nephew. So my mom is taking this to mean she is a bad mother and is upset because she is VERY sensitive on this point. And it makes my heart ache that I can’t say “You’re not a bad mother” and really, truly mean it.
I bought a juicer so I could do my first juice-fast, all natural, and the fucking thing does not work. Now I have a SHITTON of fruit in my kitchen threatening to go bad, so I think I’m on a three-day fruit diet. By shitton of fruit I mean eight apples, six pears, a punnet of strawberries, two punnetts of cherries, a bag of grapes, seven bananas and a quarter of a watermelon.
Mostly it’s been little stresses, but some of the bombs are huge (read: cancer). But it’s been burying me, and I’ve had to take some time to myself. To be honest, I haven’t had the motivation to come and write here. Even though I need the outlet, all I’ve been wanting to do is curl up in my bed and cry myself to sleep every night.
Except I can’t even cry.
And I don’t know what’s wrong with me but I CAN NOT make myself restrict. I keep going into a binge mode. It’s not that I’m eating a huge amount, I’m eating “normally” or sub-normal even. But my head goes into that state of mind where you physically can’t stop. It’s like you’re outside watching your body on auto pilot and there’s nothing you can do about it. Stress and depression are making me crazy right now, and my inability to get control over my eating and drop some fucking weight is making it so much worse. I haven’t been eating enough to gain, but I’ve been unable to lose for weeks and I’m still a fucking monster. But I’m not giving up the fight and until I manage to get my eating completely under control.
All this is to say, I’m sorry I’ve been gone again. But I’m back. And I’m really going to need your support and motivation to get my head working right again. Right now I don’t even know who I am.
Update forthcoming
Lots of shit going on. Family dramas. Ugh. I've had to take some time away to concentrate on the stuff going on. But now I need this outlet more than ever so I should be back to resume normal bitching.. er, posting.. soon.
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