And I don't mean food. Food, I can fight off with enough thought and will power and distraction. My other addiction is more all-consuming than such trivial things as tasty food to put in my mouth and make me fat.
I think I mentioned once or twice before that I'm a Beauty Blogger and have a YouTube channel, which I endeavour to ONE DAY actually do something more constructive with than ramble about randomness, do the odd half-assed review, and maybe one or two eyeshadow tutorials. Sigh, right now it all very much sucks and I haven't posted anything in over a week, partly because I haven't been able to think / find the motivation / time to do anything new, and partly because I've been concentrating actively harder on THIS blog rather than that one. But I need to get my ass in gear because damn it, beauty and makeup is something I'm very passionate about.
To my own detriment.
Mostly I'm a big fan of MAC makeup. It is wonderful, and I've even successfully applied for a MAC Pro membership which means I get 40% off when I order over the phone. So yay. And today two new collections came out. Which means today, I have even less money than the none I usually have. But I can't stop myself.
The thought of not getting BOTH of the beauty powders that HAVE THE SHAPE OF A ROSE BLOOM EMBOSSED ONTO IT OH MY GOD!! was just entirely inconceivable. I made my order and not ten minutes later was kicking myself for not getting that gorgeous pinkey-mauvey nail polish (which I then had to go on MAC's website to order separately even though I wouldn't be getting it discounted because god damn it, I had to have it)
This is why saving up for Canada and Mexico by September is going to be so fucking hard for me.
I can deal with not being able to get a laptop until the end of the year. I want a new, decent, super-high-res camera too, but I'm going to deal with my 2megapixel Fuji FinePix S5500 Zoom and my 5-megapixel Sony Cybershot cameraphone instead because hey, I can live without a professional-quality digital camera, right? A Canon or a Nikon can wait another year. I can even deal with the fact that the wardrobe that I can actually wear right now is limited to like four tank tops, two tee-shirts, two hoodies, two pairs of jeans, two pairs of work trousers, and maybe five work tops (a couple of which are too big but since I wear a cardigan you can't really tell). I mean, that amount of clothing is a fuck of a lot more than I had growing up (in high school I had like two or three pairs of plain black trousers, two tank tops, and like two tee-shirts. And a hand-me-down pair of sneakers, of which the sole of one had torn straight down the middle of the shoe all the way through and when I walked to school in hip-deep snow, I might as well have been walking fucking barefoot. I shit you not.) I can wait to go clothes shopping until I've lost weight, or at least until I've lost SOME weight and am in Canada and things are cheaper.
I can even put off getting bedroom furniture that I'm after (like a vanity table or storage units or a fucking mirror) or wanting to redecorate (the terra cotta carpet in the new house is hideous, for real).
But I can't put off buying makeup. Every month MAC has a new collection out, most of which are limited edition items. And immediately my brain goes into a frenzy and starts crunching numbers and firmly shouting at me that I HAVE TO GET THAT ITEM TOO OR THE WORLD WILL EXPLODE.
All of this is to say that I've bought makeup today that I know I don't need, but that I NEED with every fibre of my being.
And thank fucking god that my relationship with food is not this insane.
Thursday, 7 May 2009
Scratch That
No SlimFast. I'm going to Starbucks instead to feed my cravings.
I think I'm going to get a light caramel frappucinno - only 192 kcals for a Venti, which is less than my slimfast and I'll enjoy it a hell of a lot more.
Also, my stomach is starving. AWESOME.
I might have half a sandwich or something, because my headache is getting worse.
So why the fuck am I getting coffee?
Well, I WAS going to get a mocha or a caramel macchiatto or a vanilla soy latte. But hot coffee makes my headaches worse, wheras cold coffee is usually okay. And the iciness I can hold against my forehead to freeze some of the pain >.<
So yeah. We'll see. I'll buy a skinny muffin or a sandwich and keep it on the sidelines. If my headache gets worse I'll have some. If not, I'll save it for dinner or something. But my head is pounding right now so I'd rather be safe.
I think I'm going to get a light caramel frappucinno - only 192 kcals for a Venti, which is less than my slimfast and I'll enjoy it a hell of a lot more.
Also, my stomach is starving. AWESOME.
I might have half a sandwich or something, because my headache is getting worse.
So why the fuck am I getting coffee?
Well, I WAS going to get a mocha or a caramel macchiatto or a vanilla soy latte. But hot coffee makes my headaches worse, wheras cold coffee is usually okay. And the iciness I can hold against my forehead to freeze some of the pain >.<
So yeah. We'll see. I'll buy a skinny muffin or a sandwich and keep it on the sidelines. If my headache gets worse I'll have some. If not, I'll save it for dinner or something. But my head is pounding right now so I'd rather be safe.
Headache!
Bleh.
First things first: no weigh in today. Or tomorrow, probably.
Last night, around 10-10:30ish I was on my computer chatting to a good friend of mine. I'm running out of abbreviations here. I can't call him J because J is my aunt's partner and I can't call him D because D is my best guyfriend back home. So we'll call him J2. And also the "J that has a penis"
So anyway. We were chatting and being generally bitchy and irritated with the world at large, which is kind of our thing. He may or may not be losing his job due to his regional managers being gay retards (he manages a store) and the fact that they do not like that he is a human being to his staff. GOD FORBID. THAT IS BAD. Although, as I told him last night:
"So basically you're maybe losing your job because you're NOT an asshole who shits on people for fun? Well no, technically you ARE an asshole, just not to peoples' faces. So that doesn't count."
Anyway, suddenly I started getting the odd random lights flashing in front of my eyes. I just call them "flashies" but I guess the current scientific/medical term is a "migraine aura" or something. My aunt gets them nearly every time she's about to get a migraine. I do not get them often at all. I think in the past 17++ years of suffering from migraines, I've had flashies maybe half a dozen times?
Anyway for me, "flashies" mean bad times. I only ever get them if I'm going to get a more horrendous migraine than usual, and you may think "horrendous" and "migraine" are synonyms already and using them together is redundant, and ordinarily you would be right. But migraine attacks preceded by flashies are, for me, something I would gladly trade for a night in the woods with a serial killer. Or maybe an embolism?
So, bad times, I popped some painkillers and went to bed. I've got a headache today but not a proper attack, and I keep getting the occasional flash of light on my periphery. Unfortunately, guess what, NO MIGRAINE MEDS STILL.
The migraine meds I take are not strictly prescription-only (I think they were back in Canada but here if you go to a pharmacy and ask for them and tell them you've had them before they'll give them to you) so I can buy them over the counter at any pharmacy. My doctor tells me to take them, refuses to give me a prescription for something stronger, so I just keep buying them. J (not to be confused with J2 With A Penis)'s doctor has given her a prescription for them, so she just gets it refilled that way.
Now, here's where it gets retarded.
My doctor didn't give me a prescription for THESE ones because the standard cost of prescriptions here is more expensive than standard-size of these anyway. My aunt's partner however has a prescription for the double-size boxes so she essentially gets twice as many pills for nearly the same cost.
Obviously my doctor is an idiot. The reason I don't have any migraine meds right now is because I can't afford to buy them, and also my aunt and J took my last half-dozen pills. Rockin'.
Speaking of my doctor. Two years ago I had some blood tests done. My ex had just left me for another woman and I'd had to move out of our home together and back in with my grandparents. And the stress of it all and the utter heartbreak and depression was taking a huge toll on me. I was being sick every day, had no appetite, couldn't sleep AT ALL, and this feeling of nausea and dizziness was constant, for months. Of course, my doctor assumed off the bat that of course I must be pregnant, even though I told her that A: I'm on the pill and B: my ex CAN NOT HAVE KIDS BECAUSE HIS BODY DOES NOT PRODUCE SPERM. But she was all "hey, anything can happen."
Of course, that came back negative so she decided to do a batch of blood tests to rule out anything scary causing my symptoms - and of course, did another pregnancy test to be sure (and for those weeks my grandmother pissed me off relentlessly by saying EVERY DAY "I think you're pregnant, you know" fuck off please?).
Things came back mostly okay, I didn't have any diseases and wasn't diabetic or anything. I personally thought maybe I'd be anaemic, because I had most of the signs, most specifically the CONSTANT FUCKING FATIGUE. I was surprised to find out my problem was the opposite - my RBC, Haemoglobin and Platelet counts were all marginally too HIGH rather than too low, which it was I was expecting to hear.
My doctor said they weren't so far out of whack as to be panicking or anything (even though all of these things can be signifiers of bigger problems) but said she'd redo the tests in 3 months to see if things are back to normal/have balanced out, or are the same - and to check things aren't getting worse.
I haven't been back to my doctor since, there isn't even a note on my file to say that I should go have tests done. When I called a couple months ago to order a repeat prescription of my BCP, there was nothing, and I'm fucking not about to invite myself over for a blood test that nobody knows anything about.
Wow, I'm rambling so much lately.
Anyway the actual point of this post is just that my head hurts and I want to go home but instead I am stuck at work and it is only 9:30 in the morning. I've been here for an hour but it feels like three. I'm leaving at 4:30 and it can not come fast enough. That's six hours from now. I might actually die of old age before I get to leave.
I'm such a drama queen, I know.
I didn't have time to find a container to put my blueberries in this morning, so instead I've brought a coffee SlimFast for lunch. And, this is probably gross and too much info, but everytime I have coffee slimfast shakes, it makes my pee smell like coffee. And not yummy sweet starbucks coffee either, like really horrible cheap 4p-a-jar instant freeze-dried coffee. From Netto.
First things first: no weigh in today. Or tomorrow, probably.
Last night, around 10-10:30ish I was on my computer chatting to a good friend of mine. I'm running out of abbreviations here. I can't call him J because J is my aunt's partner and I can't call him D because D is my best guyfriend back home. So we'll call him J2. And also the "J that has a penis"
So anyway. We were chatting and being generally bitchy and irritated with the world at large, which is kind of our thing. He may or may not be losing his job due to his regional managers being gay retards (he manages a store) and the fact that they do not like that he is a human being to his staff. GOD FORBID. THAT IS BAD. Although, as I told him last night:
"So basically you're maybe losing your job because you're NOT an asshole who shits on people for fun? Well no, technically you ARE an asshole, just not to peoples' faces. So that doesn't count."
Anyway, suddenly I started getting the odd random lights flashing in front of my eyes. I just call them "flashies" but I guess the current scientific/medical term is a "migraine aura" or something. My aunt gets them nearly every time she's about to get a migraine. I do not get them often at all. I think in the past 17++ years of suffering from migraines, I've had flashies maybe half a dozen times?
Anyway for me, "flashies" mean bad times. I only ever get them if I'm going to get a more horrendous migraine than usual, and you may think "horrendous" and "migraine" are synonyms already and using them together is redundant, and ordinarily you would be right. But migraine attacks preceded by flashies are, for me, something I would gladly trade for a night in the woods with a serial killer. Or maybe an embolism?
So, bad times, I popped some painkillers and went to bed. I've got a headache today but not a proper attack, and I keep getting the occasional flash of light on my periphery. Unfortunately, guess what, NO MIGRAINE MEDS STILL.
The migraine meds I take are not strictly prescription-only (I think they were back in Canada but here if you go to a pharmacy and ask for them and tell them you've had them before they'll give them to you) so I can buy them over the counter at any pharmacy. My doctor tells me to take them, refuses to give me a prescription for something stronger, so I just keep buying them. J (not to be confused with J2 With A Penis)'s doctor has given her a prescription for them, so she just gets it refilled that way.
Now, here's where it gets retarded.
My doctor didn't give me a prescription for THESE ones because the standard cost of prescriptions here is more expensive than standard-size of these anyway. My aunt's partner however has a prescription for the double-size boxes so she essentially gets twice as many pills for nearly the same cost.
Obviously my doctor is an idiot. The reason I don't have any migraine meds right now is because I can't afford to buy them, and also my aunt and J took my last half-dozen pills. Rockin'.
Speaking of my doctor. Two years ago I had some blood tests done. My ex had just left me for another woman and I'd had to move out of our home together and back in with my grandparents. And the stress of it all and the utter heartbreak and depression was taking a huge toll on me. I was being sick every day, had no appetite, couldn't sleep AT ALL, and this feeling of nausea and dizziness was constant, for months. Of course, my doctor assumed off the bat that of course I must be pregnant, even though I told her that A: I'm on the pill and B: my ex CAN NOT HAVE KIDS BECAUSE HIS BODY DOES NOT PRODUCE SPERM. But she was all "hey, anything can happen."
Of course, that came back negative so she decided to do a batch of blood tests to rule out anything scary causing my symptoms - and of course, did another pregnancy test to be sure (and for those weeks my grandmother pissed me off relentlessly by saying EVERY DAY "I think you're pregnant, you know" fuck off please?).
Things came back mostly okay, I didn't have any diseases and wasn't diabetic or anything. I personally thought maybe I'd be anaemic, because I had most of the signs, most specifically the CONSTANT FUCKING FATIGUE. I was surprised to find out my problem was the opposite - my RBC, Haemoglobin and Platelet counts were all marginally too HIGH rather than too low, which it was I was expecting to hear.
My doctor said they weren't so far out of whack as to be panicking or anything (even though all of these things can be signifiers of bigger problems) but said she'd redo the tests in 3 months to see if things are back to normal/have balanced out, or are the same - and to check things aren't getting worse.
I haven't been back to my doctor since, there isn't even a note on my file to say that I should go have tests done. When I called a couple months ago to order a repeat prescription of my BCP, there was nothing, and I'm fucking not about to invite myself over for a blood test that nobody knows anything about.
Wow, I'm rambling so much lately.
Anyway the actual point of this post is just that my head hurts and I want to go home but instead I am stuck at work and it is only 9:30 in the morning. I've been here for an hour but it feels like three. I'm leaving at 4:30 and it can not come fast enough. That's six hours from now. I might actually die of old age before I get to leave.
I'm such a drama queen, I know.
I didn't have time to find a container to put my blueberries in this morning, so instead I've brought a coffee SlimFast for lunch. And, this is probably gross and too much info, but everytime I have coffee slimfast shakes, it makes my pee smell like coffee. And not yummy sweet starbucks coffee either, like really horrible cheap 4p-a-jar instant freeze-dried coffee. From Netto.
Wednesday, 6 May 2009
Ramblematic
I'm too tired to string together too many coherent sentences, let alone profound ones. So instead I'm going to remain off topic and talk about laptops.
Dell is out, since I posted my question I've heard a lot of bad things.
The Macbook is still a maybe because, well, it's not been majorly dissed. The thing is, do I need to spend a grand on a new laptop when all I want it for is like surfing the internet, chatting, and maybe playing some web games? Probably not.
Toshiba was suggested, and I think the laptop I had with my ex was a Toshiba. Which is an option, but that mother really slowed down after a while (although at the time I was running the Sims 2 on it with like four expansion paks so it was my own fault)
Haven't heard much about Vaio's yet so I'll need to do some research.
I'm probably not buying until after September anyway, since that's when the Canada trip is over with and I've finished paying off the all-inclusive trip to Mexico (assuming of course that Swine Flu hasn't eradicated the human species by then, how lame), and I might actually have some money to my name again.
But I needed something else to occupy my mind today. I've decided not to weigh in until... well. Shit I don't know. I was going to weigh in on Saturday when my aunts had gone, so I had free reign to fast for the weekend in entirety. But then I remembered, birthday family meal out on Friday night, so Saturday will be bad times. I might wait until Tuesday and weigh in on my birthday. Right now it's not looking like much loss will happen for the next week or so.
1. Friday night - meal out with family
2. Saturday through Sunday - eat as little as possible
3. Monday - out for a Chinese buffet with grandparents for my birthday
4. Tuesday through Thursday - in too much pain to eat, yay
5. Friday - baking with my friend S, but told my neighbour and her kids that I will be passing goodies over to them =] And taking leftovers to work the following Monday. She did, however, ask me to make my linguine for us while she's over here.
6. Saturday - Cocktails and dinner with S at TGI Friday's. Not sounding very promising.
But after that I've got a full seven days in which I have no engagements or obligations, and no aunts at home to supervise / try to feed me.
If I can make it through the next week it should be easy sailing. My aunts aren't too bad, last night they made Shepherd's Pie and I did have to eat some of that, but my aunt asked me tonight if I wanted any before she made her tuna pasta bake. So hopefully I can keep going with more of the same and just constantly spew out the nothankyou's and hope they will listen. I'm a bit more hopeful after actually being asked tonight for the first time =]
I'm taking a banana and some blueberries to work tomorrow. Nothing else on the menu! I've got some hummus I should eat before it goes off, but I'm beyond caring about the waste now. I might throw it out anyway so it's not there to taunt me when I open the fridge =]
I'm going to bed. It's only 10 but I am a zombie right now so I need to pass out.
Night lovelies!
Vee xox
Dell is out, since I posted my question I've heard a lot of bad things.
The Macbook is still a maybe because, well, it's not been majorly dissed. The thing is, do I need to spend a grand on a new laptop when all I want it for is like surfing the internet, chatting, and maybe playing some web games? Probably not.
Toshiba was suggested, and I think the laptop I had with my ex was a Toshiba. Which is an option, but that mother really slowed down after a while (although at the time I was running the Sims 2 on it with like four expansion paks so it was my own fault)
Haven't heard much about Vaio's yet so I'll need to do some research.
I'm probably not buying until after September anyway, since that's when the Canada trip is over with and I've finished paying off the all-inclusive trip to Mexico (assuming of course that Swine Flu hasn't eradicated the human species by then, how lame), and I might actually have some money to my name again.
But I needed something else to occupy my mind today. I've decided not to weigh in until... well. Shit I don't know. I was going to weigh in on Saturday when my aunts had gone, so I had free reign to fast for the weekend in entirety. But then I remembered, birthday family meal out on Friday night, so Saturday will be bad times. I might wait until Tuesday and weigh in on my birthday. Right now it's not looking like much loss will happen for the next week or so.
1. Friday night - meal out with family
2. Saturday through Sunday - eat as little as possible
3. Monday - out for a Chinese buffet with grandparents for my birthday
4. Tuesday through Thursday - in too much pain to eat, yay
5. Friday - baking with my friend S, but told my neighbour and her kids that I will be passing goodies over to them =] And taking leftovers to work the following Monday. She did, however, ask me to make my linguine for us while she's over here.
6. Saturday - Cocktails and dinner with S at TGI Friday's. Not sounding very promising.
But after that I've got a full seven days in which I have no engagements or obligations, and no aunts at home to supervise / try to feed me.
If I can make it through the next week it should be easy sailing. My aunts aren't too bad, last night they made Shepherd's Pie and I did have to eat some of that, but my aunt asked me tonight if I wanted any before she made her tuna pasta bake. So hopefully I can keep going with more of the same and just constantly spew out the nothankyou's and hope they will listen. I'm a bit more hopeful after actually being asked tonight for the first time =]
I'm taking a banana and some blueberries to work tomorrow. Nothing else on the menu! I've got some hummus I should eat before it goes off, but I'm beyond caring about the waste now. I might throw it out anyway so it's not there to taunt me when I open the fridge =]
I'm going to bed. It's only 10 but I am a zombie right now so I need to pass out.
Night lovelies!
Vee xox
Laptop Advice?
So. I'm bored and looking at laptops online. But I am also indecisive so I want your advice, ladies.
I want to get a laptop toward the end of the year, which means I'm going to spend the next six months researching laptops, probably. All the same, I'd like your input as to what YOU would get if you could / what you have and why you love it.
I'm currently debateing between:
A white MacBook, even though I have never used a Mac computer in my life (not counting junior high because I do not even remember those computers). The pluses? It's SO PRETTY. I've heard good things about them and did I mention they're gorgeous? And have a great built-in webcam which is good.
A Dell of some description, maybe their new one that comes in six colours. The plus here is that it is cheaper.
Maybe a Sony Vaio? I do not know.
Which should I go for? Ignore the fact that I'm not buying RIGHT THIS MINUTE, I still like to make my decisions before I spend half a year second-guessing them =]
I want to get a laptop toward the end of the year, which means I'm going to spend the next six months researching laptops, probably. All the same, I'd like your input as to what YOU would get if you could / what you have and why you love it.
I'm currently debateing between:
A white MacBook, even though I have never used a Mac computer in my life (not counting junior high because I do not even remember those computers). The pluses? It's SO PRETTY. I've heard good things about them and did I mention they're gorgeous? And have a great built-in webcam which is good.
A Dell of some description, maybe their new one that comes in six colours. The plus here is that it is cheaper.
Maybe a Sony Vaio? I do not know.
Which should I go for? Ignore the fact that I'm not buying RIGHT THIS MINUTE, I still like to make my decisions before I spend half a year second-guessing them =]
Six Days From Now
I will be 23 years old. Emphasis on the old.
And also my braces will be gone.
This blog entry needed to be made simply because I HATE MY BRACES.
Back in the day, as it were, I loved them. They hurt so much but the hurt was so good because by GOD they were working! The way my teeth would move overnight and from one week to the next was astonishing to me. They didn't rub like I was expecting them to - which is not to say that they didn't rub at all, oh no - and I very quickly got used to them.
At one point, I thought I might actually miss them when they were gone.
But let me tell you, right now I am THIS CLOSE to tearing the fucking things out of my face myself.
My teeth are straight and in-line and no actual moving has occurred for the past several weeks, except for twisting the roots of one canine into a slightly more upright position. So why the fuck are ALL OF THE MOLARS ON THE LEFT SIDE hurting so much?
I think I can blame that naan bread and hummus I had a few days ago. The bread must have wedged under my braces where it pressed into my gumline everytime I chewed, because the gums between two teeth back there have been very sore ever since. But today all the god damn teeth hurt, and I just want this metal out of my mouth, very very much.
I can't wait for them to be gone. This time on Tuesday I should hopefully be walking out of my orthodontist's office with a shiny (well, clear) new retainer over my naked teeth. It sounds so naughty, I can't wait.
I'm taking several painkillers and maybe one or two valerian root pills because I am a bag of stress when shit like this happens. My teeth are extremely sensitive to everything now, and the drilling to get the extra glue off is not going to be fun. Blech. At least I have an excuse to not eat for several days.
I'm so fed up, so I needed to have a bitch. That is all.
Six Days And Counting.
Vee xox
And also my braces will be gone.
This blog entry needed to be made simply because I HATE MY BRACES.
Back in the day, as it were, I loved them. They hurt so much but the hurt was so good because by GOD they were working! The way my teeth would move overnight and from one week to the next was astonishing to me. They didn't rub like I was expecting them to - which is not to say that they didn't rub at all, oh no - and I very quickly got used to them.
At one point, I thought I might actually miss them when they were gone.
But let me tell you, right now I am THIS CLOSE to tearing the fucking things out of my face myself.
My teeth are straight and in-line and no actual moving has occurred for the past several weeks, except for twisting the roots of one canine into a slightly more upright position. So why the fuck are ALL OF THE MOLARS ON THE LEFT SIDE hurting so much?
I think I can blame that naan bread and hummus I had a few days ago. The bread must have wedged under my braces where it pressed into my gumline everytime I chewed, because the gums between two teeth back there have been very sore ever since. But today all the god damn teeth hurt, and I just want this metal out of my mouth, very very much.
I can't wait for them to be gone. This time on Tuesday I should hopefully be walking out of my orthodontist's office with a shiny (well, clear) new retainer over my naked teeth. It sounds so naughty, I can't wait.
I'm taking several painkillers and maybe one or two valerian root pills because I am a bag of stress when shit like this happens. My teeth are extremely sensitive to everything now, and the drilling to get the extra glue off is not going to be fun. Blech. At least I have an excuse to not eat for several days.
I'm so fed up, so I needed to have a bitch. That is all.
Six Days And Counting.
Vee xox
Boredom is gnawing away at me
I'm at work. I just finished 8.34 hours worth of work in 2.41 hours.
Which means that I can take the rest of the day relatively easy if I want to. Once I finish the rest of the work that I've got lined up for the day, I'll have done 12.18 hours of work in an 8 hour day.
My job could not be easier. I need to stop bitching about it.
That said, though, I'm bored and wish I had something interesting to occupy my time. I think I'm up to date on blog reading, and I can't afford to shop online, so I don't know what to do with myself now.
Only 5 and a half more hours until I can go home. Bring it on, baby.
Which means that I can take the rest of the day relatively easy if I want to. Once I finish the rest of the work that I've got lined up for the day, I'll have done 12.18 hours of work in an 8 hour day.
My job could not be easier. I need to stop bitching about it.
That said, though, I'm bored and wish I had something interesting to occupy my time. I think I'm up to date on blog reading, and I can't afford to shop online, so I don't know what to do with myself now.
Only 5 and a half more hours until I can go home. Bring it on, baby.
I Have No Idea...
...what I weigh today.
After yesterday's badness, I decided to not weigh in today because the numbers would just depress me. Especially since, my stomach itself feels empty and hollow and hungry, but the rest of my digestive system feels crammed full and bloated. I can just imagine ugh >.<
So no scales for me today.
I'm going to try so hard to behave today. What I want to do is nibble on some grapes at work and then go home and have lettuce soup. But I have no idea whether or not my aunts have some dumb meal planned again. I know they were going to make southern-fried-chicken wraps one night but I'm hoping its not tonight.
Why are they all of a sudden deciding to cook? When they know I'm trying to lose weight and would much rather not stuff 600+ calories worth of "real food" into myself at night.
Besides, yesterday was a really bad day. That horrifically horrible cottage pie at work. Then Shepherd's Pie at home (although we didn't have a packet of the sauce mix they usually use, so it was just normal gravy which probably saved me a few calories but not a large amount) and then I gave in and had an (admittedly small) slice of my aunt's Bakewell Tart-Thing.
And it was disgusting.
I went and did some of my Japanese course for half an hour before getting into bed. I was so tired I completely forgot to take off my makeup last night, and didn't even realize it until I was all crusty-panda-eyes this morning. Those who know me know that I'm pretty anal about my skincare and makeup and ALWAYS take it off at night because... well, I'm anal-retentive. So, that speaks for how worn out I was yesterday.
This morning I have a headache and feel like I haven't slept at all. My eyes feel puffy and a little swollen. I've taken some paracetimol but I still don't have any migraine meds so I'm probably going to be majorly screwed in a couple hours.
And I am SO HUNGRY.
I do not know what the hell is wrong with my body. I can restrict for several days and barely feel hungry at all, but I fucking binge like the huge pig that I am, and the next morning, before the food's even been digested, my stomach is screaming at me for something to eat.
I have eaten one grape so far. And however much I am completely CRAVING a big sausage sandwich, I am not going to cave today.
My grapes, they are good enough. And I am going to savor this hungry feeling. I will feel myself starving, and I will like it. Eat my fat away, go ahead, I beg you to do it.
In somewhat more serious news, when I got home last night my aunt's doctor HAD called her - though probably only because my aunt's partner J went to the doctor's office and demanded that she call (and then had to drop a passenger off at the office where my aunt's therapist works and popped in to see her secretary. Apparently the therapist is back in work today after being off for six weeks and J has left a message asking her to call my aunt and set up an appointment so she can see her before they go on vacation. My aunt is not at a very good point right now and when she doesn't see her fucking retarded, unreliable therapist, it gets even worse).
Anyway the doctor said she thinks that her enzyme levels were all out of whack because of... well, something to do with when she had her gallbladder removed late last year. My aunt has said that sometimes when she eats certain foods she still gets a dull ache where she used to have full-blown gallbladder attacks so bad that she thought she was having a heart attack and dying, so she thinks that the surgeon left a little of the tube in there and it's still reacting. If that's the case and it IS something like that whacking up her enzyme levels, the doctor said it WILL Delay her gastic bypass surgery.
My aunt is all depressed and was sobbing yesterday over it. She said she needs to have it done before we go to Mexico because, and I quote "I refuse to go to Cancun like THIS!"
I wanted to say she could join me on my diet. I'll make her fruit salads or healthy brown-bread sandwiches for lunch and she can start having weight watcher's frozen meals for dinner, or lettuce soup ;], and a fat free yogurt for dessert. I mean I realize that's not what I'M doing or anything but I could quite easily help HER diet "properly" if that's really what she wanted to do.
The problem is, it's not.
So, we'll see. She should hopefully get the blood work back this week and go from there.
We're also definitely moving at the beginning of June, which is going to be pretty damn hard if nobody gets any boxes. We have none and we've got nearly a whole house to pack up. If all goes according to plan and my book case and computer desk go in the spare bedroom, I'll have extra room in my bedroom and I'm going to see about having my aunt's treadmill set up in there. There's no point bringing it up to my room now if we're moving in a few weeks, and there isn't room anyway because my room is so small. And if she keeps saying she can't be bothered bringing it up to my room once we move, well then, I'll just buy my own damn treadmill or cross-trainer and have the delivery men bring it up for me =P
Mmm, I just need to say: rarely have grapes ever tasted as good as these. Eating healthy on an empty, starving stomach, makes it taste so much better.
After yesterday's badness, I decided to not weigh in today because the numbers would just depress me. Especially since, my stomach itself feels empty and hollow and hungry, but the rest of my digestive system feels crammed full and bloated. I can just imagine ugh >.<
So no scales for me today.
I'm going to try so hard to behave today. What I want to do is nibble on some grapes at work and then go home and have lettuce soup. But I have no idea whether or not my aunts have some dumb meal planned again. I know they were going to make southern-fried-chicken wraps one night but I'm hoping its not tonight.
Why are they all of a sudden deciding to cook? When they know I'm trying to lose weight and would much rather not stuff 600+ calories worth of "real food" into myself at night.
Besides, yesterday was a really bad day. That horrifically horrible cottage pie at work. Then Shepherd's Pie at home (although we didn't have a packet of the sauce mix they usually use, so it was just normal gravy which probably saved me a few calories but not a large amount) and then I gave in and had an (admittedly small) slice of my aunt's Bakewell Tart-Thing.
And it was disgusting.
I went and did some of my Japanese course for half an hour before getting into bed. I was so tired I completely forgot to take off my makeup last night, and didn't even realize it until I was all crusty-panda-eyes this morning. Those who know me know that I'm pretty anal about my skincare and makeup and ALWAYS take it off at night because... well, I'm anal-retentive. So, that speaks for how worn out I was yesterday.
This morning I have a headache and feel like I haven't slept at all. My eyes feel puffy and a little swollen. I've taken some paracetimol but I still don't have any migraine meds so I'm probably going to be majorly screwed in a couple hours.
And I am SO HUNGRY.
I do not know what the hell is wrong with my body. I can restrict for several days and barely feel hungry at all, but I fucking binge like the huge pig that I am, and the next morning, before the food's even been digested, my stomach is screaming at me for something to eat.
I have eaten one grape so far. And however much I am completely CRAVING a big sausage sandwich, I am not going to cave today.
My grapes, they are good enough. And I am going to savor this hungry feeling. I will feel myself starving, and I will like it. Eat my fat away, go ahead, I beg you to do it.
In somewhat more serious news, when I got home last night my aunt's doctor HAD called her - though probably only because my aunt's partner J went to the doctor's office and demanded that she call (and then had to drop a passenger off at the office where my aunt's therapist works and popped in to see her secretary. Apparently the therapist is back in work today after being off for six weeks and J has left a message asking her to call my aunt and set up an appointment so she can see her before they go on vacation. My aunt is not at a very good point right now and when she doesn't see her fucking retarded, unreliable therapist, it gets even worse).
Anyway the doctor said she thinks that her enzyme levels were all out of whack because of... well, something to do with when she had her gallbladder removed late last year. My aunt has said that sometimes when she eats certain foods she still gets a dull ache where she used to have full-blown gallbladder attacks so bad that she thought she was having a heart attack and dying, so she thinks that the surgeon left a little of the tube in there and it's still reacting. If that's the case and it IS something like that whacking up her enzyme levels, the doctor said it WILL Delay her gastic bypass surgery.
My aunt is all depressed and was sobbing yesterday over it. She said she needs to have it done before we go to Mexico because, and I quote "I refuse to go to Cancun like THIS!"
I wanted to say she could join me on my diet. I'll make her fruit salads or healthy brown-bread sandwiches for lunch and she can start having weight watcher's frozen meals for dinner, or lettuce soup ;], and a fat free yogurt for dessert. I mean I realize that's not what I'M doing or anything but I could quite easily help HER diet "properly" if that's really what she wanted to do.
The problem is, it's not.
So, we'll see. She should hopefully get the blood work back this week and go from there.
We're also definitely moving at the beginning of June, which is going to be pretty damn hard if nobody gets any boxes. We have none and we've got nearly a whole house to pack up. If all goes according to plan and my book case and computer desk go in the spare bedroom, I'll have extra room in my bedroom and I'm going to see about having my aunt's treadmill set up in there. There's no point bringing it up to my room now if we're moving in a few weeks, and there isn't room anyway because my room is so small. And if she keeps saying she can't be bothered bringing it up to my room once we move, well then, I'll just buy my own damn treadmill or cross-trainer and have the delivery men bring it up for me =P
Mmm, I just need to say: rarely have grapes ever tasted as good as these. Eating healthy on an empty, starving stomach, makes it taste so much better.
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