Today is a good day.
I woke up having lost the extra weight I've put on over the weekend/early this week/whenever, so my total loss since last Friday is back to 1.5lbs. Which is by no means exorbitant, but it will do. I worked an extra hour and a quarter at the beginning of the week so I decided to come in late today to use the extra time (now, since work has changed the way our "work-time" works, we can't work extra hours and take a day off, and if we've worked any extra at the end of the month, it's lost, it doesn't get paid as overtime and we can't use it to come in late the next month so all gains and deficits need to be evened out as soon as we can, basically). So I got to stay in bed until 8 (although I was awoken by the sunshine streaming into my room just ater 4) and for some reason, although I still didn't sleep fabulously last night, I feel... motivated and less zombie-like than usual.
Maybe it's a starvation high finally hitting? I mean I know I ate last night but I purged most of it, so it's possible. But I just feel so much more positive today. Plus, I'm zooming through my work. I've already done half a day's worth and I've only been in the office for just over an hour ;) It's 11:05 right now and I'm here til 4, and if I can finish all of my work for the day before say, 1, I can close them slowly throughout the afternoon and spend the afternoon on the internet and reading blogs instead and just take it easy.
I love days like this!
The fasting is going well too. I mean, it's only 11, and I've got that "I'm so hungry!" shaky feeling going on (entirely different from yesterday's "ohmygodi'mgoingothaveapanicattack" shakiness) which is kind of nice because it lets me KNOW my body is doing what I want it to do! I'm not even tempted to have anything to eat or whatever right now. Again, the downside is that I'm not hydrating - I only just realized I haven't had anything to drink in 12 hours =/ - so I need to go get some water.
And like I said before, my aunts will be out until at least 8ish tonight, so I can get away with having nothing at home =]
Such a good mood day. It's totally random but I'm liking it.
Anyway, off to finish the rest of these letters that need to be done. Hope you're all having a fabulous day too!
Vee xox
Showing posts with label positivity. Show all posts
Showing posts with label positivity. Show all posts
Wednesday, 19 August 2009
Wednesday, 29 July 2009
Little Battles
I had no idea what to title this, so forgive me.
Anyway. I was just sitting here wondering why this week has gone so well. It's been a long time since I've been able to manage getting down to under 400 calories a day and not wanting to eat my arm. For a long time I struggled with restricting, and I have no idea why those few weeks were so hard for me.
Maybe it's because I wasn't focused at the time or something trivial like that. Because right now, I feel great. I haven't achieved that giddy, hyper starvation-high state yet, but I feel good. This feels so easy right now. Too easy. I'm sitting here with a bag of grapes on my desk, and I'm not tempted at all to reach over and pluck out an extra single one. I'm waiting until 1 to go get the hot water for my 10-calorie soup, and it's not bothering me that I haven't had anything but a couple handfuls of grapes so far today. I feel positive and more upbeat than usual, because for once I'm not STRUGGLING.
A lot of the time this lifestyle is a huge internal battle. What you want and what you need fighting against what your body wants. A lot of the time we lose those little battles and give in to what our bodies are craving. Chocolate. Ice cream. Bread. Whatever.
But it's true what they say. Losing small battles doesn't mean you'll lose the war. As long as progress is being made, it's okay. And that's what it feels like now. Those little battles are only an echo of a memory on my periphery right now; they're practically nonexistent.
The problem is that I'm a pessimist and a cynic at heart. I put out a lot of positivity and positive encouragement, but when it comes to me, I always, ALWAYS, expect things to go sour somewhere. And when things are going too well, I expect it can't last.
So, I'm sitting here wondering how long this will last for? Will it come to a point where the cravings and needs of my body are going to overpower my conscious thought and take over long enough to do some damage to the progress I've made so far? The truth is that I don't know. But where I'm at right now is a good place - there's no conflict. And it doesn't FEEL like it's going to ease up anytime soon. And I hope it doesn't.
But mostly I hope that when these placid waters start to stir again, I've gained enough strength and control to keep forging ahead without letting the little battles be lost. And I hope the same for all of you.
So many people have told me that they're proud of my low intake this week. That they're amazed at my control. But truthfully it doesn't even feel like control is a part of it. There's nothing going on to NEED me to control myself. Or, at least, that's how it feels. I almost feel guilty taking your compliments because this is too easy right now. I don't even know how to explain what I mean, but I hope you can understand. But what I mean is that it doesn't feel like a struggle or a fight or a clash of willpower against impulse/cravings/whatever.
And that's good. It makes me happy and brings a smile to my face. I just hope it lasts. I'm forcing myself to remain positive because negativity is a perfect breeding ground for doubt, and when you doubt yourself, you're that much more likely to self-fulfill your expectations and fail.
And people, I refuse to fail. =]
Anyway. I was just sitting here wondering why this week has gone so well. It's been a long time since I've been able to manage getting down to under 400 calories a day and not wanting to eat my arm. For a long time I struggled with restricting, and I have no idea why those few weeks were so hard for me.
Maybe it's because I wasn't focused at the time or something trivial like that. Because right now, I feel great. I haven't achieved that giddy, hyper starvation-high state yet, but I feel good. This feels so easy right now. Too easy. I'm sitting here with a bag of grapes on my desk, and I'm not tempted at all to reach over and pluck out an extra single one. I'm waiting until 1 to go get the hot water for my 10-calorie soup, and it's not bothering me that I haven't had anything but a couple handfuls of grapes so far today. I feel positive and more upbeat than usual, because for once I'm not STRUGGLING.
A lot of the time this lifestyle is a huge internal battle. What you want and what you need fighting against what your body wants. A lot of the time we lose those little battles and give in to what our bodies are craving. Chocolate. Ice cream. Bread. Whatever.
But it's true what they say. Losing small battles doesn't mean you'll lose the war. As long as progress is being made, it's okay. And that's what it feels like now. Those little battles are only an echo of a memory on my periphery right now; they're practically nonexistent.
The problem is that I'm a pessimist and a cynic at heart. I put out a lot of positivity and positive encouragement, but when it comes to me, I always, ALWAYS, expect things to go sour somewhere. And when things are going too well, I expect it can't last.
So, I'm sitting here wondering how long this will last for? Will it come to a point where the cravings and needs of my body are going to overpower my conscious thought and take over long enough to do some damage to the progress I've made so far? The truth is that I don't know. But where I'm at right now is a good place - there's no conflict. And it doesn't FEEL like it's going to ease up anytime soon. And I hope it doesn't.
But mostly I hope that when these placid waters start to stir again, I've gained enough strength and control to keep forging ahead without letting the little battles be lost. And I hope the same for all of you.
So many people have told me that they're proud of my low intake this week. That they're amazed at my control. But truthfully it doesn't even feel like control is a part of it. There's nothing going on to NEED me to control myself. Or, at least, that's how it feels. I almost feel guilty taking your compliments because this is too easy right now. I don't even know how to explain what I mean, but I hope you can understand. But what I mean is that it doesn't feel like a struggle or a fight or a clash of willpower against impulse/cravings/whatever.
And that's good. It makes me happy and brings a smile to my face. I just hope it lasts. I'm forcing myself to remain positive because negativity is a perfect breeding ground for doubt, and when you doubt yourself, you're that much more likely to self-fulfill your expectations and fail.
And people, I refuse to fail. =]
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