Life update, kind of?

I'm still struggling, with everything. I guess that, even though it's been two years since I last posted here, everything about me and my life is the same. I honestly barely even remember the last couple of years. Which I think is just more proof that the nothing I'm doing with my life means that every day, month, year is just a blur of the same following the same following the same.

I've considered coming back here a lot over the last two years. Part of the reason I didn't was that I became so out of the loop, so detached and outside of this community and all of the bloggers I used to read and speak to. It just felt awkward to come back, to leave for so long and then turn up with excuses as to why I left in the first place and why absolutely nothing about my life has changed during my mega-hiatus.

The truth is that I have no excuses. My constant whirlwind of depression and self-hatred is doing its best to isolate me, and the truth is simply that I let it. And I'm not sure whether or not I even care anymore. Or have I just accepted that, well, this is it.

If it was over tomorrow, I think I would be relieved. I like to believe in reincarnation, the subject has always fascinated me - but I also think that the need to believe is to make myself feel better. To think that, I failed and gave up on this life, this incarnation of myself, so completely... but it doesn't matter. Because next time I can do it right. Next time I can be born as somebody different, into a body and a personality that is inherently better than the life I've lived this time around. The thought is comforting to me. That however bad we have it this time, karma will make up for it next time.

In my next life, I will be beautiful, I will be outgoing and interesting and creative and motivated and driven and passionate. In my next life, I will be loved and I will have dreams and I will achieve them. In my next life I will be everything I always wanted. This life is a writeoff, the next one is where it's at.

I appreciate that I'm deluding myself. I'm making excuses as to why I haven't ever really tried to make something of myself, to figure my life out. It's like the smoker whose New Year's resolution every single year is to quit, and then every single July says to himself "ah well, it's too late for this year. I'll enjoy myself and make it count next year. Next year is my year." I know what a hypocrite I am. I know that my life is within my own power, to make of it and of myself what I want and desire.

My point is that I don't care.

So all of that is to say that I'm back here. I need community and I need somewhere that I can write and be honest. I hung around Tumblr quite a lot the past couple years, but the problem with Tumblr is that I don't have the anonymity that I need to really be honest. I can only be honest with myself when I don't have to account to other people around me who know me. I have friends who follow me on Tumblr, friends who should understand the things I feel but who attack me in passive-aggressive posts when I dare make an honest post about my feelings.

This blog started off as just another weight loss/ed blog, but it's always been about my life and feelings in general. Sometimes just being honest and writing can be cathartic. So this is how it will remain. I'm not going to bother with weight loss trackers and goals and numbers, because I don't want judgement or competition. If you want to take this journey with me, then I more than appreciate the company. I just don't feel like being specific this time around. In part because I don't have a scale anymore. But I completely digress.

Part of me wants to change the title of my blog because although the theme is still relevant I'm not sure the actual words themselves speak to the truth of myself and how I feel. More Dead but More Alive. I haven't felt so numb and cynical in years. It's the "more alive" part I take issue with. But I guess it can stay. It can remain a mantra for how I want to feel. How I might feel if ever I can beat my own apathy into submission and take some real control over my life.

But I'm rambling. I'll stop here, but... I'm back. Or at least I hope to be.

And guys, I missed you.

So. Um, it's been a while. Jesus. Are any of you guys still around here?

Day One

It’s funny. When my life gets real, or harder than usual, or frustrating, or I get stuck in a rut and don’t know what the fuck I want to do with my life, or feel lost and alone and dazed and confused… I want to run here more than anything else. There’s only so much that I can say, a limit to how honest I can be on personal blogs, on Twitter, on Facebook, et al. There’s nobody in my life that I can be completely 100% honest with about my feelings. Even food struggles aside, I’ve been feeling increasingly lost and alone and there’s nobody that I can really vent to, to be honest with, whose shoulder I can cry on unconditionally. This blog, in all its circle of understanding and anonymity, is my safe haven.

And yet, I disappear. For months on end. And even I have no idea why. I have full intentions of blogging daily, whether it be about the ED circle or just about life in general and the struggles I’m having internally on a daily basis. Yet invariably, I don’t. I can tell myself I don’t have the time, or I don’t know what to write, but let’s be honest – those things hardly stop me when I really need or want to write. And I’ve needed and wanted to write for months now but just… haven’t. Apathy maybe? Perhaps I’m basking in my sense of disorientation. I feel I don’t deserve the support that I know I will get here.

I guess this is all to say, I’m back, and it’s far later than it should have been. To kick off the blog again, I’m going to attempt to throw myself into ABC again. With all the other bullshit-and-absolutely-nothing going on in my life, concentrating so heavily on this one little 50 day goal might help me keep my head above water. I need something to provide me with focus, and god knows nothing else in my life is providing it.

So far today has been a good day. I have two thirds of a pot of porridge this morning (which, might I say, was disgusting. I hate the texture of that stuff) to total me approximately 140 calories. Day one is 500, so I have an even 360 to last me the rest of the day. Honestly though I don’t even want to eat anything. I’m not hungry, physically or craving in my mind.

All I want to do is go home, climb into bed with my purring kitten, and be dead to the world for twelve hours, until I’m forced to get up and do it all over again. The blanket of despair and self-hatred that covers me at this time is thicker than it has been in a long, long while. It’s all the better for hibernating against the cold snap that’s hit England lately. And hibernating I have been. And in all likelihood, will continue to do. Until I can snap myself out of this deep depression enough to give a shit about anything in my life again, anyway.

We shall see.

Love you all.

V

PS

Oh also. I've been stressing myself out even more than usual lately. A large part of me wants to move back to Canada. I miss *everything* and constantly I find myself pining to be there. I've even been online looking for cheap basement suite apartments and seeing if there are any vacancies in my hometown within the company I currently work for, so I could just move internally rather than starting a whole new job hunt. (unfortunately that won't happen as the branch we have in my hometown is in a different job/area of the business from the one I work in now, and they require a college degree and/or 2 years experience in the particular field for the job - neither of which I have)

But then again, if I did go back I'd be leaving behind my family here - particularly my aunt who is my best friend and second mother, my grandfather who is in heart failure and could die any day or live another ten years because who the fuck knows, not the doctors anyway. I'd have to deal with being homesick for my family and handful of friends over here, and also all of the fucking drama bullshit that comes with living in the same city as my mother and her asshole husband, who I cannot and have never been able to stand.

Maybe I should stop stressing and just see how my month over there goes. If I really REALLY want to stay... fuck it I don't know.

The ideal solution would be to get two flexible jobs and live 6 months there and 6 months here and just work both places so I have money and can actually pay my bills (luckily I have dual citizenship and can legally work both in the UK and Canada, so this is actually a feasible option, depending on how flexible potential employers are willing to be). But I doubt my current employer would go for that (they have a limit on taking a leave of absence for 3 consecutive months) and it'd be even harder to find another company in Canada that would.

Basically I fail at blogging

Yeah.

So I'm still here. Although by here I mean alive and in a physical sense. I haven't been on blogger in forever and haven't managed to keep up with your blogs anymore than I have my own. So, I feel bad about that.

Life is such a pain in the ass. I don't know... on the one hand, I could definitely have it worse. But on the other I'm constantly under stress. Home life, work life, personal-life, home-life-that-isn't-even-in-this-effing-country.

Wanna have a laugh? I went to my doctor several months ago about not being able to sleep and always being tired. It culminated in her giving me one of those shortform depression tests and then telling me I'm on the borderline but she doesn't think I'm depressed. Even though basically every day I have an internal monologue shouting how much I hate myself and my everything, and that though I'm not brave-stupid-strong enough to do anything to myself actively, I wouldn't be opposed to say, finding out too late that I have a brain tumour the size of a grapefruit and maybe three days to live.

Wait did I already blog about the doctor appointment before? I can't remember.

But this leads me nicely onto the fact that my headaches are maybe getting worse? I mean, for as long as I can remember I've suffered from migraines and headaches, but lately it seems like every other day I'm going to bed early with a belly full of painkillers and a cold wet cloth over my forehead because I'm in near constant agony. My grandmother keeps telling me to go to the doctor and that my paternal grandma (my dad's mom whom I never met) died of brain cancer (though she often changes this up to breast cancer when she presses me to tell my doctor I need to go for mammograms at 25 years old so who the fuck knows).

My doctor will just tell me, ohey be dehydrated less and sleep more and stress less and buy this over the counter migraine medication that only sometimes works and which I have already been using for eight or nine years.

One can hope.

Anyway, I had planned on just posting here as a quick update to say hi, I'm here, kind of. But as usual it turns into a whinefest of self-deprication and hatred.

Whatever.

I'll be back at some point, I'm sure. But I have no idea when. I just have no motivation for anything right now (oh the lulz, right now, as if I ever have), including keeping a blog about how much I hate everything but mostly me.

All that being said, I hope you are all well, and happy, and achieving your goals. But mostly happy.

Vee xox

Meelodramatic? Maybe

Of all the things I have done in my life, this is by far the hardest.

I just hit the halfway point. I don't know if I can do this.

Eeeugh

I actually feel sick now. Jesus Christ. I'm maybe a quarter to a third of the way through the bottle.

Crap

...Now I want quorn chilli and rice.

But no. I'm having a liquid fast week.

Only soup and lots of beverages. Whoo!

ps my mouth is still on fire. Thank god I'm not call taking today.

Bottom's Up

I just made the most disgusting looking concoction of ice cold water, lemon juice, ground cinnamon, cayenne and hot chilli powder – to boost my metabolism. And now I’m going to make myself drink it.

Ohmygodohmygodohmygod. Too much chilli powder. Aaaaagh. I can feel the spice in my sinuses and ear canals. Ffff.

Also might I add that I’m at work. Jesus I’m an idiot sometimes. Asdpihasbdapbsi my mouth and throat are on fire.

This had SO better be worth it.

Srsly

So basically, I fail at blogging. Even more than I fail at life. Who knew?