More Dead But More Alive

PS

2011-06-14T13:53:00.003+01:00

Oh also. I've been stressing myself out even more than usual lately. A large part of me wants to move back to Canada. I miss *everything* and constantly I find myself pining to be there. I've even been online looking for cheap basement suite apartments and seeing if there are any vacancies in my hometown within the company I currently work for, so I could just move internally rather than starting a whole new job hunt. (unfortunately that won't happen as the branch we have in my hometown is in a different job/area of the business from the one I work in now, and they require a college degree and/or 2 years experience in the particular field for the job - neither of which I have)

But then again, if I did go back I'd be leaving behind my family here - particularly my aunt who is my best friend and second mother, my grandfather who is in heart failure and could die any day or live another ten years because who the fuck knows, not the doctors anyway. I'd have to deal with being homesick for my family and handful of friends over here, and also all of the fucking drama bullshit that comes with living in the same city as my mother and her asshole husband, who I cannot and have never been able to stand.

Maybe I should stop stressing and just see how my month over there goes. If I really REALLY want to stay... fuck it I don't know.

The ideal solution would be to get two flexible jobs and live 6 months there and 6 months here and just work both places so I have money and can actually pay my bills (luckily I have dual citizenship and can legally work both in the UK and Canada, so this is actually a feasible option, depending on how flexible potential employers are willing to be). But I doubt my current employer would go for that (they have a limit on taking a leave of absence for 3 consecutive months) and it'd be even harder to find another company in Canada that would.

Basically I fail at blogging

2011-06-14T13:40:00.002+01:00

Yeah.

So I'm still here. Although by here I mean alive and in a physical sense. I haven't been on blogger in forever and haven't managed to keep up with your blogs anymore than I have my own. So, I feel bad about that.

Life is such a pain in the ass. I don't know... on the one hand, I could definitely have it worse. But on the other I'm constantly under stress. Home life, work life, personal-life, home-life-that-isn't-even-in-this-effing-country.

Wanna have a laugh? I went to my doctor several months ago about not being able to sleep and always being tired. It culminated in her giving me one of those shortform depression tests and then telling me I'm on the borderline but she doesn't think I'm depressed. Even though basically every day I have an internal monologue shouting how much I hate myself and my everything, and that though I'm not brave-stupid-strong enough to do anything to myself actively, I wouldn't be opposed to say, finding out too late that I have a brain tumour the size of a grapefruit and maybe three days to live.

Wait did I already blog about the doctor appointment before? I can't remember.

But this leads me nicely onto the fact that my headaches are maybe getting worse? I mean, for as long as I can remember I've suffered from migraines and headaches, but lately it seems like every other day I'm going to bed early with a belly full of painkillers and a cold wet cloth over my forehead because I'm in near constant agony. My grandmother keeps telling me to go to the doctor and that my paternal grandma (my dad's mom whom I never met) died of brain cancer (though she often changes this up to breast cancer when she presses me to tell my doctor I need to go for mammograms at 25 years old so who the fuck knows).

My doctor will just tell me, ohey be dehydrated less and sleep more and stress less and buy this over the counter migraine medication that only sometimes works and which I have already been using for eight or nine years.

One can hope.

Anyway, I had planned on just posting here as a quick update to say hi, I'm here, kind of. But as usual it turns into a whinefest of self-deprication and hatred.

Whatever.

I'll be back at some point, I'm sure. But I have no idea when. I just have no motivation for anything right now (oh the lulz, right now, as if I ever have), including keeping a blog about how much I hate everything but mostly me.

All that being said, I hope you are all well, and happy, and achieving your goals. But mostly happy.

Vee xox

Meelodramatic? Maybe

2011-02-07T14:39:00.002Z

Of all the things I have done in my life, this is by far the hardest.

I just hit the halfway point. I don't know if I can do this.

Eeeugh

2011-02-07T14:10:00.001Z

I actually feel sick now. Jesus Christ. I'm maybe a quarter to a third of the way through the bottle.

Crap

2011-02-07T14:08:00.001Z

...Now I want quorn chilli and rice.

But no. I'm having a liquid fast week.

Only soup and lots of beverages. Whoo!

ps my mouth is still on fire. Thank god I'm not call taking today.

Bottom's Up

2011-02-07T14:07:00.001Z

I just made the most disgusting looking concoction of ice cold water, lemon juice, ground cinnamon, cayenne and hot chilli powder – to boost my metabolism. And now I’m going to make myself drink it.

Ohmygodohmygodohmygod. Too much chilli powder. Aaaaagh. I can feel the spice in my sinuses and ear canals. Ffff.

Also might I add that I’m at work. Jesus I’m an idiot sometimes. Asdpihasbdapbsi my mouth and throat are on fire.

This had SO better be worth it.

Srsly

2011-02-07T10:08:00.001Z

So basically, I fail at blogging. Even more than I fail at life. Who knew?

Twenty Eleven

2011-01-12T08:56:00.002Z

5lbs down for the year so far. A decent start. I guess.

I have my monthly weigh in with the nurse at my GP on Friday. I’m oddly nervous.

On the one hand I don’t want the scales to show I haven’t lost enough weight for her liking. I don’t want to be a failure. I like that I have to be accountable for my weight to somebody else. It’s more motivating than doing this just for me, if that makes any sense at all. But on the other hand, I don’t want her to become concerned if I’ve lost weight too fast either. I can’t remember what I weighed at my last weigh in, just what I was near the beginning of the year. So I’m not sure how much I’ve lost in the last four weeks. I also don’t like somebody outside of my circle of trust and control and anonymity knowing my exact numbers to the nearest tenth of a kilogram.

Sigh. I just don’t even know. 5lbs of loss in under 2 weeks doesn’t feel good enough to me. But it’s a start, I guess.

So, what else? I probably have a lot of catching up to do but everything seems insignificant right now. It’s not that there’s anything profound playing on my mind or anything, it’s just the same old, same old.

This week I booked a month off work this summer to go back home for Canada to visit. Originally it was going to be for 2 weeks but it was only £50 more expensive for four, so I’m going for it. I’ll be broke (I have a Cruise in October to save up for as well =/) but at least I’ll be there.

Guh I’m so effing exhausted, but I’m gonna try to get my head into my work so the day doesn’t drag. All I want is to be back home in bed right now. I’ve had a viral chest infection for well over a month now, and more recently a cold on top of it. I feel miserable and just want to curl up with my hot water bottle and sleep it away. Sleep my life away.

So. There you go, a quick update. I’m going to go try to find some coffee now. I’m supposed to be going to the pub at lunch with some friends from work, but I don’t want to break my decent streak so far this week (Monday all I ate was some salad in the evening so negligible calories, yesterday I had a blueberry muffin after work for a total 300ish calories) so I’m probably going to tell them I’m sick and don’t want food and just get a diet pepsi to sip instead.

Saturday night we’re supposed to be getting pizza and having a little birthday “not-party” for my aunt’s new friend in the psych ward she’s confined to (did I ever write to tell you guys that my aunt has been living in the psych ward for the past nearly 4 months?). It’s this other woman’s birthday but she has nobody and isn’t allowed leave so we’re going up there. Or, we’re meant to be. I might skip out and just stay home where I can starve in peace.

I should probably hate that this is making me an even more solitary creature but honestly I just don’t even care. I just want to be left alone. My online friends are enough company for me right now, and even some of them I’m getting annoyed with. A two hour skype session with my best friend and his family is enough social interaction for the week. God, how lame do I sound right now?

Whatever.

Back to work. Stay beautiful, dolls.

Vee xox

A New Alli

2010-11-19T12:27:00.002Z

So. I'll do a major catchup post once I figure out where I'm keeping my blog. So far it seems likely that I'll be staying here but we'll see.

In the meantime, I went to my doctor's office today to have a word with the nurse about weight loss. She weighed me and I'm down about half a pound from when the doctor weighed me on Monday when I went in for some test results, which the nurse said was really good because the scales in the doctor's office tend to weigh lighter than the ones she uses, so I've lost more than what's registered on that. So, yay I guess.

Long story short, I'm going to be taking Orlistat (the prescription drug that's in the over-the-counter drug Alli). She actually asked if I wanted it, so of course I said yes. She told me I need to lose about 12lbs in the first 3 months, and if I don't then there's no point staying on it. I actually laughed. I can lose 12lbs in one month if I stick to it. I lost 14lbs in two and a half weeks on ABC. And dude.. explosive diarrhoea if I don't stick to it is a pretty damn good motivation to actually stick to it, haha. (I'd been contemplating buying Alli over the counter, but it's wicked expensive so I'm going to save shittons of cash on it as well, which is definitely good.) Actions have consequences and instead of just not losing weight, any negative actions with food will have more dire consequences, so I'll be more likely to keep to my restricting and cut fat out of my diet.

Semi-related but the reason I went to the doctor to begin with wasn't actually anything to do with weight. I don't particularly want anybody monitoring my weight because I don't want to wind up in a situation where I'm getting bitched out by my doctor for losing too much too fast (I'm making huge assumptions about my success and will power here but I have to TRY to stay positive, right?).

I went to find out why the fuck I am so goddamn tired and emotional and a basket case but mostly SO TIRED all the time. I can't sleep, when I do sleep I wake up a billion times, and even if I do manage to get a solid few hours without interruption, I still feel just as exhausted as if I'd never gone to bed in the first place. I went in, doctor ordered blood tests and had me fill in a Depression assessment form. My blood tests are completely normal, including thyroid function which I would not have believed because I have the metabolism of a dead snail, and the depression assessment flagged that I am very likely depressed (WHO WOULD HAVE GUESSED!?) but she doesn't think I'm depressed so she's not going to do anything about that. Thanks.

I've had so much fucking stress going on lately, I've actually been feeling like I'm losing my mind. I've been so stressed out and more depressed than I've been in a long time. I've been going to sleep actually praying to the gods I'm not even sure I believe in that I'd just go to sleep and never wake up. The important things in my life are all over the goddamn place right now, spiraling out of control. I haven't even been taking care of myself properly. I went six days last week without showering and washing my hair. I felt disgusting, and the worst part is that I didn't even fucking care. This is SO unlike me. I'm someone who is vain even though I have no reason to be. My hair is my pride and glory. And I just couldn't bring myself to give a shit.

So much for trying to be positive.

So much has been going on. Once I know what I'm doing with the blog I'll fill you in. Ugh.

New Poll - Help Me Decide

2010-11-18T19:31:00.001Z

So. I've put a new poll in my sidebar.

Should I keep my blog here or move it to a new one? I've already registered another one in case, but I can't decide what I want to do.

Little help?

An Unnecessary Revelation

2010-11-18T19:29:00.002Z

Prawn Cocktail pringles taste the same on the way out as they did on the way in.

Starting Over

2010-11-15T11:17:00.002Z

I tried.

I tried to be normal. I tried to fit in and not obsess.

I tried to be healthy.

It didn't work.

I'm more stressed and more fucked up than ever.

I need this. It needs me.

I'm starting over. From the beginning.

The only question is where.

I'm debating opening a new blog.

This one is full of so much failure and bullshit.

Do I start with a clean slate? Or embrace the past and move forward here?

Fuck it, I have no idea.

If I open a new blog to start over, the link will be here.

I've missed you all, right down to the bones I wish would show.

I can't pay my rent but I'm fuckin' gorgeous

2010-06-07T08:29:00.004+01:00

Sigh. New favourite song, and I must share it with you all.

I went to see Lady Gaga on Friday night, and her opening act Semi Precious Weapons were amazing and hilarious and the lead singer is sexy as hell in all his made-up glory. He was also insane thinspo because holy shit the legs on that man went on forever and I'm sure he didn't have an ounce of fat on his body.

Click here to see the video for their self-titled song

I can't stop singing it.

The only problem is that it's not really true for me. I *can* pay my rent, but I'm not fucking gorgeous.

One day.

So anyway, as of yesterday I was down a total of 4.2lbs. Yeah that 4lb loss in a day stretched into like three, and then my friend's barbeque was on Saturday and her boyfriend kept making me sample things. Still, I didn't eat a huge amount and maintained Friday's loss through to yesterday. Which was probably aided by the fact that I had a monster headache all day Saturday (and was running on very little sleep) and wound up heading home after 3 hours, which in turn cut down my alcohol caloric consumption to just one drink (pineapple juice, malibu and peach schnapps - which was amazing and summery by the way).

I didn't have time to weigh in today (rather than leaving at 7:30 as per the norm during the week, I had to get up early to leave just after 6:30, after another sleepless night and therefore dragging myself around like a zombie and almost making myself late over stupid shit like not being able to find the hair elastic I used last night so that I could brush my teeth and wash my face this morning etc) so I have no idea where I stand right now.

Regardless, I have a yogurt in my bag and that is all I'm having until I get home. Whoo!

Also, I went shopping yesterday. I seriously have a problem. Here I am, telling myself that I can't afford to buy new clothes yet, I have to wait until I get paid or possibly until I'm in Canada when I will have money TO spend on whatever I want. Then I went to the mall for the weekend's Starbucks (200 calories worth of skinny mocha frapp), needed to go to Paperchase to buy one thing (a mug to keep at work for my green teas and coffee) and wound up spending about £200. £43 and change in Paperchase. £105 in Claire's on tacky jewellery that I thought was too adorable to pass up, and some nail art decal stickers. Another £48 at Clinique on makeup remover and a night cream. And then £12 on a Harley Davidson mug for my aunt as a present since she wanted it.

So, I could have bought a couple new outfits, rather than fifty pairs of earrings and a calculator with Noodle Bear on it. Although, the earrings are fucking adorable, as are the Noodle Bear stuff I got at Paperchase. The only problem is that I'm deluding myself and making plans that aren't going to happen.

See, I bought this adorable Noodle Bear (srsly, google it, adorable) case with a little fork and spoon in it, again for work. And a set of four plastic lidded nestable bowl things. That I fully intended to start bringing lunch into work in, Japanese style, because predictably I am obsessed with Japanese culture.

But even as I trawled the internet for low-calorie low-fat "Bento" recipes (Bento is the Japanese lunchbox, usually made up of 1/2 carbs, 1/4 veggies and 1/4 meat or protein and the average sized 500ml box made up this way is usually *around* 500 calories) I realized that this isn't realistic. Unless I'm going to fill a bowl with negative calorie fruits and veggies and a tiny pot of fat-free vinaigrette to dip it in, this just isn't something I can really do. Even if I were go out and buy the ingredients and spend the time needed at night to cook and in the morning to assemble everything, I wouldn't really be able to eat it. The only way it would be half way acceptible is if I made it the only meal of the day, but I doubt I could get away with having a "decent" lunch and nothing at home - I would inevitably be forced to make something else to eat in the evening.

So, I don't know. I just don't know.

If only I were one of those people with amazing metabolisms who doesn't gain weight at all regardless of what they eat. Sigh.

ANYWAY, how was your weekend??

Of Flukedom?

2010-06-03T09:51:00.001+01:00

I was right when I said that yesterday’s random 4lb drop was a fluke. Today, I’m the same weight, no gains or losses, not even in the decimals. Which I guess makes yesterday’s fluke less of a fluke. 4lbs over 2 days is much more reasonable than 4lbs overnight, right? So hopefully it’ll stick and the loss will continue tomorrow.

Just a quick post for now because I’m at work and it’s pretty manic. But I just wanted to update you and also to say HOLY SHIT THE DRAMA. Honestly, you guys, if you could see all the shit going on in my sister and her on-again-off-again-fiancee-who-is-having-a-sex-change-and-his-female-name-is-the-same-as-my-name-but-spelled-slightly-differently’s feeds and comments, you would shit. Like, this is some Jerry Springer level insanity. One innocent wall-post currently has 160+ comments between five people all having a massive go at each other, and him threatening to kill himself (“and maybe my sister”) if people don’t leave him alone.

Holy fucking dramz. Ugh.

In unrelated news, Muller have repromoted their Limited Edition For Summer fat-free Lemon cheesecake yogurt. One pot is 105 calories, but it tastes like HEAVEN, it tastes like cheating, it tastes like ACTUAL LEMON CHEESECAKE, with the base and everything. That’s what I had for dinner last night. A-MAZE-ING.

Comment Replies!

2010-06-02T14:41:00.002+01:00

@Hanz: Thanks honey! We will definitely get through this. I didn’t even realize I’m technically starting fresh from the 1st of the month, but now I’m seeing it as a clean slate haha. Ugh, I knoow. Milk is DISGUSTING. I do not understand how anybody can drink it voluntarily, especially on its own ughhh. =///

@Ana’s Girl: Yay I’ve missed you also, and I’m so glad you’re back to blogging full time yourself! The yogurt diet seems to be going well so far, with the added excuse that it’s weight-loss-surgeon approved so huzzah! And I’ve found it easier to stick to than I thought I would so far =]

@pokerface: Thanks dude! I miss our random chats before you went to Uni and I dropped off the face of the earth haha. I’m looking forward to keeping up with your blog, and you’re right! I can do this. We can both do this!! We’re awesome, amazing people, and all it takes is a little motivation and will power =]

Excerpt from a Lunchtime Conversation

2010-06-02T13:21:00.001+01:00

“I just took my rent money out, should we just go blow it on alcohol?”

”Hell yes we should!”

”I’ll be all ‘yeah I just took my drug money out and..’ bahahaha drug money?! What the fuck??”

“That’s what the money’s REALLY for isn’t it? The truth just SLIPS OUT THERE!”

”Nonono, ok seriously. So, I got mugged and they stole my drug money—GOD DAMNIT WHAT’S WRONG WITH ME!”

“Hahahahaha”

”No ok seriously, I’m doing this yogurt diet with my aunt and the utter lack of solid food is playing games with my head.”

”Really? I couldn’t not eat. Aw bless, you’re so tired! Can’t you have like, a weight watcher’s meal or something? One meal a day?”

”My one meal a day is the SlimFast, haha.”

”Oh man, I couldn’t do that, if I were on FIRE and I was hungry, I’d have to get something to eat first and then sort out the damage from the flames later.”

”Hahah. Ok so ANYWAY, I’ll say I just took my drug money… AAGHHHHH!”

Random conversation. There’s a JM that I work with and he’s pretty epic. (He's also gorgeous and gay and skinny without even trying and I hate him just a little bit) We just had to go up to Tesco at lunch to get another girl/friend in our team at work a birthday present from our workmates. On the way back, the above conversation happened. And I almost died laughing. For whatever reason, I couldn’t say “rent money” and it kept coming out “drug money” about eight times. And I’ve never done drugs a day in my life, haha. So funny.

So, I’ve told a few friends about this yogurt diet I’m doing with my aunt. It’s funny, actually, because the “diet” itself is sanctioned by a surgeon, even though I’m only taking in between 200-500 calories a day (depending on whether I actually HAVE the slimfast, which I didn’t yesterday), it’s completely okay. My aunt actually suggested I do it with her. Yet earlier in the day she told me not to starve myself to lose weight.

Um, okay.

But yeah… it seems that, as long as something is said to be okay by some manner of medical professional, it’s totally alright and nobody will question that I’m eating nothing but two yogurts a day for days on end. I find that hypocritical, but on the other hand I’m glad about it.

Because right now I don’t actually have to HIDE how little I’m eating. I can be as open as I want to be and admit that I’m craving pineapple in a huge way but can’t have any. I can crack jokes when the girl next to me at work asks me to pass her the biscuit tin, knowing full well I won’t and can’t have a single one. I can be honest about how tired I am and that I’ve got a massive headache from low blood sugar.

But it’s encouraged by weight loss surgeons so it’s okay, don’t worry about me!

You know what though… the absolute BEST part about today (apart from the random 4lb weight loss, which I’m not completely expecting to stick because it’s likely 80% water weight) is that I’m not hungry at all. I’m craving random things, but I’m not giving in, and at least the things I’m craving are healthy things. But I don’t see the point in eating when I’m not hungry anyway, regardless of diets and eating disorders. I’m starving, but I don’t feel hunger. I have no hunger pains. The only negative thing I felt in the abdominal area was tummy ache from the milk products making my stomach upset, and even that’s subsided now.

I’ve had 97 calories and I’m not even hungry!

I am very thirsty though so I’ma go get a drink and get some work done.

Ridin’ the starvation high baby!

Random Thoughts of The Day

2010-06-02T12:08:00.001+01:00

ARGH Why do I have cramps?? I haven't had a period in three and a half years!

Oh wait... probably because I've eaten nothing but Dairy for two days. And Dairy hates me. The feelign is mutual.

Woah x2

2010-06-02T09:53:00.000+01:00

Today has kind of started off awfully overall, and yet I find myself in a better mood than I should be.

I’ll start with yesterday. Starvation headaches are fail, and yet completely worth it because it kind of tells me that I’m doing something right. Is it sick that I’m filled with a sense of pride when my body is suffering? My head was killing me when I got home from work, so I had my second (and final) yogurt of the day, took 3 paracetimols and went straight to bed. I slept from six to ten, then got up to get ready for bed, took 2 more painkillers and went straight to sleep until my alarm went off at 8 this morning.

I’m still absolutely exhausted. I’m almost always tired anyway, but at least now I can take it as a result of not eating enough, which places a positive spin on it.

Anyway, last night before I went to bed the second time, I asked my aunts what time they were leaving in the morning so I knew what time I had to get up so that I could get a ride down to the main road. J said 6:45, my aunt said 8:30, so I figured I’d go with my aunt and just get into work an hour later than normal. No big deal, since I’ve got to work an hour later tonight anyway, so my hours will still be on target.

So this morning I got up at 8, brushed my teeth and washed my face etc, and weighed myself. I’m down 4lbs from yesterday. Count em. 1, 2, 3, FOUR. Huzzah! I did a little victory dance and headed back to my room to finish getting ready for work, then realized my aunt wasn’t in bed.

Usually my aunt and her partner get up just after me, since I always seem to set my alarm 5 minutes earlier than they do (or my phone’s clock is five minutes faster than their alarm clocks). So I went downstairs to dump some Pepsi Max from last night and my aunt was by the back door. She asked me what time she told me we had to leave, and I said 8:30. And she was like “No, I have to be there by 8:30.”

So, I had to run upstairs and quickly get ready, and I feel naked and fugly as hell because I have next to no makeup on my face (mascara, powder, and some tinted lip butter). Ugh. Managed to get ready in 10 minutes though.

Now I’m at work and I’m exhausted and I’m empty and I have a 94 calorie fat-free yogurt in my bag for lunch in two hours and that is all. I’m feeling positive – at least, I would be if I were awake enough to feel much of anything haha.

And, I logged on here to see I’ve hit 100 followers on my blog. How is that even possible?? I want to say a huge thank you to each and every one of my followers, I love you all and you guys are the whole reason I keep coming back here. <3

So… here’s to Day Two. And many more losses such as this in the foreseeable future.

38

2010-06-01T14:35:00.003+01:00

Sorry I haven't been posting, my dears. I keep meaning to, I really do. I miss blogging and commenting on yours. But I've been having difficulty finding the time. Or, indeed, the motivation. I just feel so apathetic all the time. Or at least, when I'm not feeling depressed.

38.

This is the number of days between today and the day I step foot on a plane headed for my hometown in Canada. 38 Days until I see my friends and family for the first time in nearly a year, a good 15-20lbs heavier than I was back then. 38 Days until I call my biological father and make a date to meet up and go for dinner. To see him for the first time in eighteen years.

This is also my deadline. I have to restrict as hard as I possibly can to lose the maximum amount of weight possible. I have to try to make myself blog, even when I can't find it in me to care about myself enough to even wonder if anybody else cares enough to read the drivel I write here.

I can NOT go to Canada at my current weight. Were I to gain 7lbs I would be at the threshold at which I always told myself "if I ever reach this weight, I will kill myself."

The good point I suppose, if there IS any, is that today marks the first day (again) of the previously mentioned Milk And Yogurt diet, which is surgeon-approved, I might add. My aunt and I were talking this weekend and she said she was going to do it again and suggested I do it with her. I can't drink milk, it makes me physically sick, so I won't be drinking the 3 pints of milk. I will have the 2 fat-free yogurts a day, and maybe supplement with a slimfast (or half of one) if my aunt does wind up having a go that I'm not having anything else with the yogurt (she'll be getting additional "calories/nutrients" from the milk she's drinking all day every day).

The bad news is that it's my best friend S's 20th birthday this weekend and she's having a barbeque and copious amounts of alcohol. My only solace is that I tend to lose weight when I've had a lot to drink rather than gain. I know it's only water weight through dehydration from the alcohol, but it's better than nothing. But I'm not giving myself a free pass. I'm setting myself an 800 calorie limit for Saturday.

I feel so, so tired. In part because I couldn't sleep last night at all. I was stressing about work, then freaking myself out over nothing, then got a song stuck in my head that just wouldn't let my body shut down. Woke up this morning aching from head to toe like you do after a massive gym session - or when you're on Day Three of the worst flu of your life.

Also in part because I've eaten less than 200 calories today.

Small successes.

Baby steps.

Bring on the Weekend!

2010-03-31T11:35:00.000+01:00

Last night failed. I was so fucking exhausted that I burst into tears when my aunt slammed the bathroom door and woke me up for the third time. (We have very thin walls and the bathroom is attached to my room so, however loud the goddamn thing was at the old house, it’s exponentially worse here. And they both seem to have forgotten how to turn the handle to stop the click-bang-walltremble since we moved). I was so damned exhausted and every time I’d just dozed off they woke me up. Rage!

Anyway I finally managed to get to sleep and woke up feeling like a zombie. Saw some chick on the bus who DEEPLY OFFENDED ME. Hah, she had on this foundation that was at least 5 shades too dark for her and wasn’t blended at all and it looked like she’d smeared terra-cotta coloured mud all over her face. It caused me physical pain to look at.

Got into work 25 minutes late (luckily my manager didn’t care), but I have to stay an hour later than usual tonight. I hate Wednesdays, I always have to work an extra hour on Wednesday.

BUT on the upside, I managed to book tomorrow off work which means I now have a FIVE day weekend to look forward to. Which is a little bit epic. And even better, it means that to make up the hours I’m going to have to work through lunch four out of five days a week for the next several weeks, which means I’m free to sit at my desk and have nothing but my allocated yogurt – the girls I lunch with always make a huge deal about how little I’m eating, even though they’re all skinny bitches who can eat what they want yet still look like Ana’s dream (one in particular, who I kind of hate, but more because she’s irritating as hell than her magic metabolism).

Then, I got a call this morning from some company trying to trace a client’s pension, and nobody else she spoke to could find it and our tracing department were supposed to look into her but never called her back. So I Got her to fax me what limited details she had (a pension scheme reference that I don’t have access to and a letter we sent back in 2007 that had NO policy info on it). And I managed to find the team that deal with it and it is all good now, huzzah. So I’m feeling a little bit smug that my detective abilities have sorted this out.

It’s 11:30, which means I have another 5 and a half hours at work, but since I’ve got five days off to look forward to, it’s all good. Going food shopping tonight which means I can start this yogurt diet asap, and my aunts are going to the caravan tomorrow night until Monday, so I can eat (or rather, not eat) all I want – save for Sunday, since apparently my grandpa is picking me up and I’m going to theirs for a roast dinner. Luckily granny makes a LOAD of veggies so I’ll eat lots of them instead of the meat.

I had something I really wanted to write about, and lots more than this to say. But just as I started typing the first paragraph my phone rang and I had to deal with some woman who isn’t all that bright. So I can’t remember. More later if it comes back to me =]

Daddy Issues

2010-03-29T11:59:00.001+01:00

God. It’s been so long since I’ve actually had half a minute to sit down and listen to myself think.

I mentioned a few posts ago about the saga with my father. Where I am in the story right now, is that I’m probably going to meet him this summer. Over coffee or something, while I’m in Canada.

After finally asking him “What do you want from me, why did you message me in the first place?” he replied. Telling me about how he’s always wondered about me and wants to get to know me, but when I initially replied so neutrally he assumed he was too late, he’d missed his chance, and I wasn’t interested. So he left me alone. Then he went on to tell me about himself and ask me a bunch of questions about me.

I wrote back a mini epic. It was so long that I had to break it down into three separate Facebook messages, because it was too long to send as one or two. I told him about how shitty my life was growing up, how I was miserable and hated myself, how much my mother’s husband was an abusive asshole, that he ruined my life for so many years, that my supposed StepFather never was and never will be, by any stretch of the imagination, my “family.” And then went on to answer his questions and asked him if he could at least try to explain the reasoning behind his decision to leave my life completely.

He wrote back… quite emotional. Saying that what he did clearly wasn’t for the best for me and he was sorry he’d made the wrong decisions and that he could take it back. That it brought him to tears reading what my life was like, and tore him up.

He explained that he left because he wanted me to grow up in a complete family, rather than a broken one. My mother and her family, my father and his family, and me stuck in the middle. Sigh. But it was that way anyway. My mother and her family. And me.

He also explained that he joined Facebook for the express purpose TO find me. That I wasn’t the afterthought, I was the reason for doing so. That he was talking about me to an old friend and wondering how to contact me, and his friend suggested, Hey, everyone’s on facebook, have a look. And that was that.

I’m still wary. I’m terrified. But I’m also curious and it’s been… good. Talking to my father, getting to know him. I’m trying not to be excited at the possibility of having him in my life, but I can’t help but run through all the What Ifs. I’m so torn in two directions right now it’s unreal.

I told my mom the night before last. I thought she’d be pissed off, but she was okay with it. I would have done what I want to do regardless, but I’m glad that she’s on board. Her husband, however, IS going to be pissed off. And that makes me happy and want to do it even more.

For now, I’m taking it as it comes. One email at a time.

Manic!

2010-03-29T08:42:00.002+01:00

Wow, sorry I haven't had the time to update my blog =/ I am still here, things have just been hectic and insane, and I'm feeling completely bipolar right now. I'm going straight from feeling deeply, horribly depressed, to feeling absolutely great. It's probably the lack of real food, since my descent into restriction has been going pretty well. I'm making a point of not weighing myself right now though, because I want to concentrate on restricting numbers and not scale numbers, lest I obsess to much and just depress myself even more.

But, there's a bit of a change of plan. My 40 day plan isn't going to be going ahead right now, I'm changing it up instead. My aunt is, once again, keeping an eye on what I'm eating, but on the weekend she mentioned that she's going to do the milk-and-yogurt diet that she did presurgery to see if she can lose some damn weight. So I said, I'd do it with her, but supplement a Slimfast shake in, since I physically cannot stomach drinking milk, and she was completely fine with it.

The actual diet calls for 2 fat-free yogurts and 3 pints of milk a day, and nothing else aside from whatever sugarfree beverages you want - ie: water and diet pop and not much else. So to begin with I said I'd do it with 2 yogurts and 3 Slim-fast shakes (I had no intention of actually having 3 shakes in a day, but have to "keep up appearances") and my aunt actually said "I don't think you even need three, one or two is fine). So, okay. I'm in.

Essentially, this means that the calories will be around 500 ish a day, and there will be NO solid food involved. The diet is to last ten days, at which point I'm going to try to get in a "fast" day (with the ever watchful women in the house, this seems harder and harder, so I'm looking forward to their two weeks away in May), and then I'll decide what to do from there. I still want to do 2468, but I might see if I can get away with doing the 10 day milk-yogurt diet again without drawing TOO much suspicion. I mean hey, her surgeon even said "normal people" - those who aren't undergoing weight loss surgery - can do the diet for the results. So I mean, a doctor has basically said it's totally fine and even healthy to do this. Which makes it seem bizarre, like it's cheating, even though at 500 calories a day, it is still classified as a Starvation Diet. And one without any solid food at all.

I know, I keep changing my plan, but with my family being so effing watchful I have to be careful and do what I can. At least with this diet my aunt seems totally down for me doing it with her, so it's a step. I just need to go shopping tonight or tomorrow for supplies. Until I get a stock of yogurts and SlimFast drinks, I'm going to be on low-calorie soups for all of my meals. 10 calorie soup for lunch. 100 calorie cup soup for dinner.

I find it retarded though, that if I were to have cup soups or something I'd get told I'm not eating enough, yet it's perfectly fine to have a SlimFast and two yogurts and nothing else.

Whatever. More later, I need to tell you about my night out on Friday. I thought it was gonna suck but it was awesome in the end, which is probably why I've been in such a great, upbeat mood all weekend. =]

Stay beautiful my lovelies!
Vee xox

Success

2010-03-19T09:00:00.000Z

Yesterday was a success.

In that, I stayed under the 1300. Although, to be totally honest, I wanted to stay further below. As it is, I had a 6 calorie buffer between Calories Allowed and Calories Consumed.

Actually, I think that the actual calories is lower. Because I used the calorie content for Saltine crackers when I calculated everything, but when I got home and checked the calories on the Saltine-like crackers I actually ate, there was a huge difference (the ones I ate were a lot lower yay). But now that I’m updating my spreadsheet – yes, I am THAT organized – I can’t remember the actual content, so I’m going to go with the Saltine ones and know that it’s a bit of an overestimation.

Yesterday I had a 94 calorie yogurt for breakfast.

Lunch consisted of cheese and crackers. As did dinner. Together Lunch and Dinner are just under 1200 calories. So under 1300 for the day =]

Today’s plan is as follows:

Breakfast: Yogurt – 97 calories
Lunch: French Onion cup soup – 95 Calories (these are AMAZING)
Snack: Yogurt – 94 calories
Dinner: Soup – <400

I can’t remember which kinds of soup I have at home, but I do remember that when I bought them I ensured that they all had under 400 calories. So, score.

Total will then be under 686, with a daily allowance of 1200. This number makes me feel good and positive. And it still seems like a decent amount of food. Having two yogurts and instant soup for lunch doesn’t feel like restricting at all, but the calorie count is still decent.

I’ve got a load of really crappy work to do (some idiot set up a couple of pensions wrong last summer and I’ve now got to fix it and call the financial adviser to tell them I’ve fixed it, and she’s likely going to bitch me the fuck out because she was NOT happy about it yesterday…) so I’ll update later when I’ve got another free minute or eight.

Stay beautiful!
Vee xox

Action Plan

2010-03-18T09:15:00.002Z

So I’ve got a new plan, to help get me into the swing of things.

I saw somebody mention a Staircase Diet somewhere. I can’t remember where for the life of me, but when I saw it, I thought it would be a good way to ease myself back into restricting, and the varying calories will be great for the metabolism. So I took the basic idea and turned it into a 40 day plan.

Basically it involves starting on 1300 calories and reducing your intake by 100 each day until you hit 0 – fast day – and then work your way back up again. The one that I saw was more varied on the “upswing” but I’ve modified it to make it easier to remember, if nothing else.

What I plan on doing is start on my 1300 today, work down, have a fast day, work back up, have a fast day, and then work back down to 100. This constitutes the 40 day plan. After this, I’ll have another fast day, and then start on the 2-4-6-8 diet. I haven’t yet incorporated any definite fast days into that yet, but I’ll modify the plan later. 2-4-6-8 will last until May 9th. May 10th and 11th I will fast, and 12th I have allocated myself 1000 calories. Because it’s my birthday and I’ll probably be going to lunch with my grandparents or my best friend. If I can fast for the two days before this, I’ll be able to have a “free pass” for my birthday without too much guilt. It should be fairly easy to fast during this time, because my aunts will be away in Spain for the two weeks around my birthday, so there’s nobody around to “keep and eye on me.”

After this, I’m not sure where to go, but for now I’m going to stick to this plan and hopefully it’ll give me the results I need.

I realize that 1300 calories is high, but I’m not aiming to eat exactly the number of calories allowed for each day, that’s just the upper cap. And because my eating has been so up and down and whatever for the past while, I’m allowing myself a decent variance to wade back in as it were.

SO there you have it! Here are the dates and totals all laid out for you =]

March 18th 1300
March 19th 1200
March 20th 1100
March 21st 1000
March 22nd 900
March 23rd 800
March 24th 700
March 25th 600
March 26th 500
March 27th 400
March 28th 300
March 29th 200
March 30th 100
March 31st 0
April 1st 100
April 2nd 200
April 3rd 300
April 4th 400
April 5th 500
April 6th 600
April 7th 700
April 8th 800
April 9th 900
April 10th 1000
April 11th 1100
April 12th 1200
April 13th 1300
April 14th 0
April 15th 1200
April 16th 1100
April 17th 1000
April 18th 900
April 19th 800
April 20th 700
April 21st 600
April 22nd 500
April 23rd 400
April 24th 300
April 25th 200
April 26th 100
April 27th 0
April 28th 200
April 29th 400
April 30th 600
May 1st 800
May 2nd 200
May 3rd 400
May 4th 600
May 5th 800
May 6th 200
May 7th 400
May 8th 600
May 9th 800
May 10th 0
May 11th 0
May 12th 1000

SO, that’s the plan as I see it, from today until my birthday. =] Some of the figures seem too lenient but I just keep reminding myself that it's a starting point to get me into 2468. I'll re-evaluate then.

There’s more drama with my father, but I’ll write about that later..

Until later, stay beautiful my darlings

The ball's in my court...

2010-03-17T16:10:00.001Z

But I'm not even sure whether I want to play.

Can Open. Worms Everywhere.

2010-03-17T15:07:00.001Z

I need to learn to leave well enough alone.

I just messaged my father back on Facebook.

In case you're not sure what the hell I'm on about, I haven't seen or spoken to my father since I was 6 years old, when he told my mother he didn't want anything to do with me. Then out of the blue, he sent me a message back in November just saying "Hi. I just joined today and there you are." and nothing else. After much deliberation over how to react – should I reply? Should I ignore him? Should I tell him to fuck off? – I sent a completely neutral message back, just saying “I have to say, I’m surprised to hear from you.”

Neutral. I was giving him the benefit of the doubt, letting him say whatever it is he wants to say, yet holding my own cards to my chest and not reacting either positively or negatively.

He didn’t reply. Which pissed me off but whatever.

For some reason, today I was fucked off more than usual. So, I opened up the old message, and replied to it with the following:

“Wow, I'm so glad you contacted me for this most fulfilling conversation.

If you have something to say to me, then just man up and say it. Otherwise, leave me alone.

Next time you get the urge to waste my time - say, in another 18 years or so? - do us both a favour and don't bother.

I can't believe I actually thought maybe you had some kind of interest, but hey I guess that's my bad. I accepted a hell of a long time ago that I'll never have a father, that the word "dad" might as well be a word from a foreign language that I'll never use, so feel free to go back to pretending you don't have a daughter.

-[my real name]”

I wasn’t expecting anything back, but immediately he sent a new message as response. What did it say?

“You are right”

That is it. You are right. I know I’m fucking right.

So rather than just leaving things as they are, I have to go and open that can of worms even further by demanding to know “So, what do you want from me? Why bother messaging me in the first place?”

The truth is, I don’t know if I even care. I’m so out of touch with my own emotions, I don’t even know what I’m feeling right now. To me, it feels like nothing. But any normal person would be feeling something. Wonder. Trepidation. Anger. Upset. But all I feel is a mixture of nothing, and being fucked off at being fobbed off. I’m not anxious as to what his answer might be. I don’t know if I’m even curious, I’m just pissed off at his non response.

He hasn’t replied yet, and I’m kind of hoping he doesn’t. I don’t need another asshole loser non-father in my life. I have more than my share in my mother’s husband. I wish I hadn’t bothered answering him to begin with.

It was like trying to punch someone in the face for being a jerk, but then slipping on the backswing and banging your own head against the ground.

Explanation?

2010-03-17T15:06:00.000Z

After the string of previous posts on here, I’m pretty sure none of this is going to come as a surprise to you, and you’ve probably already guessed, but the whole reason I was away for so long was because of how depressed I was.

Am, I guess. Since I don’t really feel much better.

Sigh. I’m so frustrated with myself, all the time. I’m so depressed yet I’m not doing anything about it. For example, I know I’m depressed. I’ve been depressed to varying degrees since before I was a teenager. I was hovering close to rock bottom when I moved here to England, and slowly built myself up a little. Then when my ex and I broke up, I plummeted, wishing myself dead all the time, and hating all of the Gods I’m not even sure I believe in, when I woke up each morning for not killing me in my sleep. I wanted to die SO BADLY, but I was too weak willed to do anything about it.

I’m better now than I was then, but in the past six months to a year or so, I’ve felt myself slipping back.

So, I was just at a point where I lost interest in everything. I didn’t read blogs anymore, nevermind bother to write in my own. Even though blogging is deeply cathartic for me, so it’s probably the worst thing I could have done given the circumstances. Nothing specific actually happened to make this happen, it was just a long, slow process, and eventually I just stopped bothering. A couple friends texted me to ask if I was alright, because I’ve been MIA from Twitter and Facebook and my Beauty Blog. I’m not a quiet person, so clearly something was wrong.

But I just nod and smile and say I’m fine, I’ve just been tired and haven’t felt like blogging/tweeting/facebooking. And it’s not a lie. I am SO tired. Those of you who have been reading my blog will know that this is nothing new, per se. But I’m just tired on a whole different level. I’m tired of struggling. I’m tired of living my life. I’m tired of BEING.

That doesn’t even make any sense. I guess what I’m trying to get across is that I’m still deeply depressed. But I need this. And I need to refocus on my goals. For me “Stopped caring about anything” includes watching what I eat, and I’ve been eating in strange phases for the past while. I’ll overeat, then starve, then eat normally. Which is fucking my body around, but at least my metabolism is working, or at least it should be.

What I need to do is refocus on my goals. I need to rein myself back in – again, I know – and MAKE myself care about this.

Because Ana cares about me. Because you care. And even though I’m a massive disappointment to myself, it hurts to think of disappointing you.

So here I am.

Now… I’m just at a point where my mentality is almost extreme indifference to everything. I simply can’t find it in me to care. Which is good I suppose because I also have this indifference toward food. Right now I can take it or leave it. And I’m choosing to leave it.

I can’t remember if I already wrote about this here before or not, but I’m going back to Canada this summer. Not to live, but for four weeks. The two weeks I spent there last time were nowhere NEAR long enough at all, so I’ve worked it out with my manager to spend an extra week (originally I was booking for 3 but he’s agreed to let me go for 4). I’m looking forward to it, but if I have to go there at my current weight, I’ll be damn tempted to kill myself rather than let my friends and family see me STILL SO HUGE.

This is random as well, but while I was sitting at work waiting for a call, I was thinking to myself… none of this feels real. The things around me feel fake. I don’t even know how to verbalize it. Like… there’s a thin but solid hazy shroud around me, separating me from the people and the world around me. It’s not solid and it doesn’t distort my vision, but it just SEPARATES. I look at things but I don’t feel like I’m really SEEING them. That I’m actually CONNECTING to the world in any way.

And you want to know the retarded part? Even though I don’t want to continue feeling like this, I still refuse to go to the doctor to actually seek help about it. It’s like, if I don’t have to go to the doctor and I’m not actually diagnosed, I can continue ignoring it. It’s not REAL. I’m so fucking held down with the way the people close to me perceive me. Like to go to the doctor and be put on antidepressants makes me less of a person. My family will fawn over me asking oh, why does she feel like that, I can’t believe she’s depressed, blah fucking blah. They won’t leave it alone. And it will somehow distort their image of me. At least, that’s the way I keep thinking. So I can’t. I won’t.

I’m not even making sense to myself anymore.

Lots of rambling – you know my style! – just to say I’ve been gone, I’m not doing so hot right now, but I’m here, and will continue to be here. Because lord knows I NEED this and I NEED you, or I’m royally fucked.

I'm Back

2010-03-15T12:19:00.001Z

And good lord how I've missed you.

Insufficient

2010-01-10T00:48:00.002Z

I just want to write a quick post to thank you. I'll reply to individual comments soon, likely tomorrow (or rather today, since it's nearly 1am here in jolly ol' England). But I read what you guys have said on my last post, and I just want to hug you all.

I never had any doubts that you would understand what I meant, how I feel, and where I'm coming from when I say the things that I do. I can be myself here. I can bare my soul, with all its imperfections, and say EXACTLY what I think and feel... and know that I'm not alone with you all here at my side.

I would be lost without you all, and you are all such beautiful people. I wish only the best for each of you, and feel blessed that I've become a part of this blog community, if only because of you, the other people here that make it worthwhile. Without whose support, I would be lost and alone.

So thank you. It seems so insufficient, but I don't know how to put it into any other words.

I love you all.

All I want...

2010-01-09T17:13:00.003Z

Is to be happy.

By which I mean, to be skinny and beautiful and loved.

I'm restricting and I still feel like a failure. Like a fraud. Like an obese, ugly monster.

Sometimes I catch my reflection in the mirror and it takes my breath away. My reflection is always large and whale-like - I have no illusions there. But sometimes I look into a mirror and don't believe that the beautiful face with the smouldering blue eyes and sarcastically-playful smirk can possibly be me. I feel vain, and then I feel guilty for feeling vain, because my face does not make up for the mass of lard that is my body.

But then, when I'm at home and all of the makeup is scrubbed off and I can see the bare skin underneath... I cringe and wonder what I ever saw in myself that could possibly be beautiful. My beauty is false, and I only ever feel pretty when my mask is fully in place.

I feel like I will never be perfect. I will never attain the state of grace and beauty that I want. I don't deserve to attain it. No matter how far I restrict, even if I turned to purging and became best friends with Mia - no matter how hard I exercise or starve, I will never be beautiful.

No matter how skinny and fabulous my body becomes - Yes, maybe one day I'll have ribs and hipbones and pelvic bones and clavicles and bumps down my spine, but what use is the perfect body when it's attached to the face of a horse? - the truth is that the only true beauty I will ever have is that which I meticulously paint upon my countenance each morning. And even that is a lie.

And THAT is the reason why I spend so much money on high-brand makeup.

Because the mask I create for myself every day is the closest I will ever come to being something worth looking at. And it might be a lie, but it's all I have.

What the hell...?

2010-01-06T16:29:00.004Z

I think my body is in its own time zone.

I'll beak it down for you. The first couple of days on ABC, I managed to gain THREE pounds. It was probably a late gain from all the Southern Comfort I had on New Year's eve, but I gained and it was depressing just the same, and demotivating, and I didn't want to mention it here because gaining weight, even when I'm actively restricting, tastes like failure and it's embarassing. But for the sake of full disclosure and honesty - and hey, when I have to admit it and be truthful, I'm less likely to fuck up because I have to answer to you guys! - there it is. A couple days late, but whatever.

Then to make matters worse, yesterday I was at home all day with my aunt and I will admit: I binged.

And when I say I binged I don't mean I ate a couple of cookies and a sandwich. By my calculations, my total calorie intake was around 2,000. So I consumed FOUR times the amount I was allotted on ABC.

But the fucked up part? I've LOST a little over a pound. Maybe eating a "normal" amount of calories for the first time in a long time has woken up my metabolism a little? Maybe the fact that the night before last and last night, I had my first two consecutive DECENT NIGHTS' SLEEP in years helped? Fuck me, I have no idea. And I'll probably wake up tomorrow 5lbs heavier, but right now this just feels totally bizarre, and I do not understand one bit.

Today is okay so far. 200 Calorie cap for today, and I've only had some low-cal soup with a couple crackers and a load of Pepsi Max. I'm not hungry in the slightest so will probably skip dinner, have a shower shortly, and go to bed early.

I didn't have to go to work today, since the snow is still pretty bad up here, and our road is a mess of ice, snow, and slush. And I don't live near the main road where I catch my bus to work, so I called and said I couldn't make it (my manager seemed ok with it, I felt bad and was all apologetic, but he was like "You can't help it!"). It's been snowing on and off kinda heavily again today, but I'll probably have to go in tomorrow all the same. In spite of the fact that I have no boots, my "winter" coat is thinner than half of the hoodies I own, and I've no gloves to my name either since I lost them on the bus last year and haven't found a new pair I like enough to buy...

So, back to work tomorrow. Which is depressing in itself, sigh.

I'm sure there was something else I was going to write about here today, but I really can't remember. So I think I'm going to have a shower, maybe a nap, and then straighten my hair for work tomorrow. And maybe even give myself a much-needed manicure. FUN TIMES WHUT.

Also: I love how I keep saying I can't afford a pair of boots because the ones I like are all upwards of £100, yet I have no qualms with the fact that the list of cosmetics I'm ordering from MAC's two new limited edition collections tomorrow comes to just under £120. I'm such a hypocrite. And makeup obsessed.

I should make one of my New Year's Resolutions to try to cut my makeup spending, even by a third. Lord knows I could use the money (and I pretty desperately need some new bedroom furniture, since the shit I bought from Argos a year and a half ago is basically falling apart at this point.)

Anyway, I'm rambling again. I'm off now!

And Today's Another Day

2010-01-04T23:22:00.002Z

Didn't do too bad caloriewise today. May have gone over my limit again, but if I did it's only super minor =]

I don't have all that much to write about tonight - shock horror, I know that's not like me at all, right?! - but I think it's primarily because I'm so tired. If you've been reading my blog for a while you'll know I'm nearly always tired, even when I'm not restricting particularly hard (or, even the times when I was eating normally), and I very rarely sleep "well". So I'm not surprised but it's still frustrating as hell to be checking your clock until nearly 4 in the morning waiting to fall asleep. I *should* go to the doctor, but even when I tried prescription sleeping pills they did nothing but make me feel hungover in the morning.

I should also probably go to the doctor for some depression meds, but I'm one of those people who refuses to go see a medical professional until I absolutely have to. I like to live by the "if I ignore it long enough, it'll go away" approach. Which yes, I realize is wrong. I think part of it is that, I feel self conscious about going to the doctor and having to explain how I feel and WHY I feel the way I do. I want to say that the way I feel is just "situational" depression, and everything will be better when I find a job (or when I'm skinny, or when I have a boyfriend, or when I'm rich and famous, et al.) But even as I say it, I know I'm kidding myself. I've been depressed to one degree or another since I was a child, forchrissakes. But, I can't be bothered.

Also, it's like admitting I have a problem. Wheras not having to take medication means I'm not "clinically" depressed. I'm undiagnosed, so it doesn't count. I Realize I sound like an idiot, but I don't really care.

There I go rambling, right after I say I have nothing to talk about =] At least I'm consistent!

Anyway, work today was... more of the same. Irritating and depressing. And something malfunctioned with my phone so as soon as I hung up a call another one came RIGHT through - we're talking, I haven't even let go of the receiver yet - four times in a row. I hadn't even finished dealing with the previous ones before I was getting more.

And then of course my manager was all "So, how're you finding it so far?" And I kind of sighed and fought the urge to roll my eyes with deep sarcasm. And I said I don't like taking calls. Which he already knows. But that so far the kinds of calls I've been taking have been easy ones, which I more or less know the answers to. I haven't had anybody shout at me yet or ask me shit I haven't heard of at ALL - I mean I don't know much but at least the things I've been getting asked I've heard of in passing, if that makes sense.

But that said, I still detest it. I would rather pull the covers over my head and bawl into my pillow every morning instead of going into work. And I find myself finding reasons to log my phone out of the queue to take calls. Today it was "Oh I can't find any record of taking that fraud test on my records. I'll do it again now just to be sure!"

Sigh.

My best friend S sent me through a link on our intranet to apply for a job in her building. Not in her team specifically, and it doesn't sound like the typical entry-level admin job I was doing before either, it seems to have more responsabilities. And the other bonus is the pay - it says minimum is £14,000 and max is around £17,800 (I'm currently on 16K and it would be a nightmare and a half to have to go back to a job that only pays minimum wage, which is around 10 grand or something ridiculous like that). So anyway, I was thinking of applying, since it's internal it links through to our HR accounts and it looks like there's no need to add in a CV/Resume or actual application, it just sends your records through to the people who are hiring for the position. But I also noticed that before it sends through to the other area for perusal, it is first sent to your manager to "approve."

Right, because when you hate your job so much you want to kill yourself half the time, and your boss doesn't care, you of course want to ask his fucking permission to apply for another job. Which is bullshit, but I don't care, I think I'll send it anyway. Worst case scenario they say no and my manager actually recognizes that I have no intention to stay where I am.

Soo, that's that.

The bonus is that I've got tomorrow off work. My manager was figuring out my hours (our hours are on a 4-week "month" and in that month we have to work our 140 hours that we're contracted to. Which means that instead of working 7 hours every day we have a little flexibility to work 6 and 8 or other variations, as long as we're on target at the end of the "month." When I started on the call centre, I was still clocking in down in my old team, but then moved up to this one and nobody had bothered to add the figures together yet, so I had no idea where I stood and my manager was under the impression that I was down by 23 hours. Pfft) and it turned out I had worked an extra 4 and a half hours. So, I booked the day off tomorrow to "use" those hours up. I have to work an extra two and a half to make up the rest of the day, but fuck, it's better than having to go in tomorrow right?

So tomorrow is a 500 calorie day I do believe. And I'm just generally going to try to stay as low as I can. The downside is that my aunt is home and although she's trying to be more sensible about her eating (not bingeing on sugary food or snacking throughout the day and night) she has a tendency to try and watch what I'm eating. Even in the same breath as telling me I need to lose weight and I'm fat. Which makes complete sense. But with 500 I've got room to play around.

SO, just one comment reply for now, that I'm aware of. If I missed something, smack me upside the head k?

Phantasmagorical Delusions: I tried your suggestion and microwaved the apples-cinnamon-splenda. Holy crap, it was beyond amazing. I felt like I should be feeling guilty and horrible and bingey but it totally wasn't which was awesommmme. I think that is going to become a staple in my diet =] And I might add it to my foodblog as a yummy tip because, wow everyone needs to try it!

Haha as to the weather, since I grew up in Canada, the notion of a -50 degree windchill is not at all alien to me - yet when it drops to 0 here I'm the first to start bitching and complaining about how cold I am. It makes no sense, but I can't help it haha. I could NEVER live somewhere where it was cold all the time, I'm just not built for it (half the time I'm shivering under a sweater in summer when the rest of my family is sweltering), but I couldn't live anywhere that had NO snow at all either. I'm just difficult to please lol.

Thanks for your comments on my other blog too, and I'm glad you like both of them =] It motivates me a little more to know someone is reading the foodblog and liking what I'm doing, so I'm more likely to add some more to it (the book is sitting in front of me as I type but I can't find the will or energy to type out more recipes just now haha.)

Anyway, I'm looking forward to reading more of your blog, past and future. All the best doll, if you ever want to talk just drop me a comment =]

Also, my other readers: you should check out her blog. It's real, it's a good read, and I find it genuinely interesting as well. And she writes about more than JUST ED/food issues, which is the type of blog I like to read... It's more.. substantial, y'know? I find them more interesting anyway!

Commentorizing / Update

2010-01-04T14:13:00.001Z

Phantasmagorical Delusion: (Holy crap I love your username!) I love them too =] So tasty and sweet and like you said, totally guilt-free. I haven’t had them in ages though since I kept forgetting to buy Splenda (I don’t use sugar in anything else at home). I’ve never tried them microwaved though! I didn’t bring the apple to work this morning since I was running late and it was icy as hell outside, so I might try it for dessert when I get home tonight. I’m looking forward to trying it now lol.. Being positive is hella hard, but I keep telling myself that negativity isn’t going to get me anywhere faster so I might as well try to be a little bit more upbeat. But then, pretending to be happier and more upbeat than I am sometimes bites me in the ass (I’m pretty sure my new manager thinks I love it here, since I’m not bitching all the time and am trying to be nice instead of complaining about how miserable I am every 5 minutes)… Also, I’ve followed your blog now =]

Dot: Yay, you sorted out your comments box <3 I’ll read your blog properly tonight. The background isn’t that bad now either, so ignore my bitching before, lol. I can read it fine today for some reason, must’ve been tired eyes yesterday. Haha, Genki <3 I’m trying anyway! The thumb is mostly ok now thanks, although it feels like I have reptile scales on it instead of my usually fairly-soft skin ^.^

Hanz: That’s a really good idea. Actually, I told myself ages ago that I was going to do just that, save money that otherwise would have been spent on bingeing or food, but never got around to it (I’m really bad for planning and never following through =/). But I think I might make a point of starting putting the money aside. Next time my aunts ask if I want to order pizza, I’ll put £15 aside lol.

Ana’s Girl: I agree, I’m the same way. I always comment on blogs and then either forget I’ve commented or just forget to check back to see if there are replies. I do it all the time lol.

Also, I’ve done so well today so far. It’s 2:15 in the afternoon and I’ve had 0 calories. I forgot my apple this morning because I was running late and didn’t get a chance to enter the kitchen before I left for work. Then figured I might as well skip the 10kcal soup for lunch. I’m just having one of those days where I’m not in the MOOD for food. Thank god, I need a no/little food day!

So tiredddd, but I need to get back to work so I’ll write more later when I’m at home =]

DOT!

2010-01-03T23:51:00.002Z

Girl, I love your new blog layout but I can't really read the light-pink-on-more-shades-of-pink =/ And your comments box isn't loading for some reason. Click on Post A Comment, and nothing happens. Maybe it's just me the page isn't loading properly for, but thought I would tell you! <3 xxx

CBB Thinspo??

2010-01-03T23:23:00.002Z

PS: Holy fucking god. I was just roped into watching the first episode of Celebrity Big Brother, and that Nicola Tappenden chick? 23 Inch Waist. One of the photos they showed of her in her intro is like HELLO BEAUTIFUL RIBS!

Might be a reason to watch it this year.

Updates!

2010-01-03T23:09:00.002Z

Ok, just as I loaded up Blogger to post this, I opened up the Chococat 2010 Diary that I bought to write daily calorie stuff in, AND IT SMELLS LIKE MOTHERFUCKING CHOCOLATE.

That is ONLY awesome because it isn't making me crave it.

Anyway.

Today wasn't a great food-day. I definitely went over the 300 cals I was allotted for Day 3, the Sunday Dinner notwithstanding there was ice cream for dessert and J assumed I wanted a ton so she gave me a full bowl full Fuck, I love ice cream. So that was my weakness for today, I ate more ice cream than I should have.

I was toying with the idea of changing plans and starting ABC again tomorrow, but for the sake of a few calories it isn't worth restarting. Not least of all because the totals are already written in my diary! I mean, tomorrow is a 400 day and the day after is a 500 day anyway, so for the sake of "restarting" I'm practically on the same daily caps anyway. So, tomorrow remains Day 4 =]

Didn't get a chance to weigh in this morning, as I woke up late and was rushing around for when my grandparents turned up for dinner. Probably up slightly as I had a few chips (fries) and part of a slice of garlic bread last night at Bingo, but not by much.

Tomorrow's plan of attack!

Breakfast: Apple with cinnamon and Splenda: 80
Lunch: 10-kcal Soup: 10
Dinner: Weight Watchers' Frozen Meal: 300
Total: 3809

Which means I should be just on target for the day. =]

It makes me happy to restrict and plan within an allowance and hit it!

I sound really upbeat today, and I'm making an effort to try to be more positive in general (it's another resolution for 2010, but I'm not sure how long it will last). But the truth is that right now I'm fantasizing about falling in the ice and snow and breaking my leg in three places so I won't be able to go to work for a few weeks.

And then I get really disappointed that it won't happen.

I think I'm more depressed than usual today because I had an amazing dream last night. I dreamed I met this gorgeous, amazingly sweet guy and we were hanging out and doing day to day things together but it was so fucking nice. And then I woke up and remembered that I've been alone for a year and a half. I haven't been laid in two weeks short of two YEARS. And my depression over my loneliness just got me depressed all over again about everything. This whole bullshit with my job just makes the past four years working for this company a waste. Four years I COULD have been doing something with my life instead of going nowhere fast. That I'm stuck at square one again and have nothing but a 5 thousand pound credit card debt and a broken heart to show for it.

So. Happy New Year.

Let's make 2010 the Year Of Change.

(comments to come tomorrow)

Happy New Year! & Day One

2010-01-01T15:31:00.005Z

So, back into the ABC world I go.

But before I get into that, last night!

Last night was pretty awesome. My makeup looked fabulous, but my camera wouldn't take a decent picture, nevermind the fact that my face looked effing HUGE in all of them. Sigh.

But anyway. At first I was really not looking forward to going out. I was exhausted and I'm already basically broke and payday isn't for another 3-4 weeks. Plus, the place H and S2 decided to go was horrible. For some reason, before heading to the gayclub that was the night's destination, they decided they wanted to start off in this really grungy area full of hobos and chavs and dirty old men. The first pub we went into had karaoke on, and a group if about 6 uber-chavvy guys and this woman who wasn't quite all there mentally kept trying their best to DESTROY THE WORLD with their vocals. It was horrible but kind of amusing. Who knew the chav-dance was derived from the ever-terrible dad-dance?

From there we went to another pub, which was more of the same crap, but less karaoke and more dirty old men and Motown music that kept skipping.

Finally got to the gayclub and in the end it was a decent night out. A friend's partner somehow managed to get me cage-dancing with her at one point. Apparently my aunt got it on video, BUT IT WILL NEVER SEE THE LIGHT OF DAY. I hit my Most New Year's Kisses last year... Two lesbian friends of ours, H's husband, and some random gay dude I have never met. This adorable drag queen came over to give me a hug too, and she was so sweet. She looked good, unlike a lot of bad crossdressers that tend to frequent that place, but seemed really shy and quiet and was mostly sat on her own. She danced with us for a while before we left.

It was a night of revelations too. While we were sitting with some drinks after the dancing and just before leaving, my aunt turned to me and asked "V, what's your opinion on men dressed in women's clothes?" And I just shrugged, you know, to each their own. I don't care. I'm friends with drag queens, my best guyfriend is gay, and my sister is marrying a crossdresser. It's all good. Well apparently our buddy S2, H's hubby, occasionally cross-dresses. And I guess he was scared about how we would take it. He told my aunts after much hesitation but in the end he couldn't bring himself to tell me and got my aunt to do it. Which is weird, I suppose maybe he wasn't sure how we'd react and what I'd think. Pff, whatever.

Of course now we've got plans to take him out on the town in full regalia and I'm on Makeup Artist duties. Which actually sounds like a shitton of fun.

The downside is he has better legs than any of the women in the club. Bastard.

So, we got home maybe around 2? And had something to eat (a cheese toastie each made in these handy toaster packet things) before bed. And it was absolutely fucking freezing, so I grabbed my hot water bottle and put the kettle on to fill it up and make J a cup of coffee. Only, while I was filling the hot water bottle, I wasn't paying attention to what I was doing (I can't even blame it on intoxication as I was only slightly inebriated and hangover-free) and poured boiling water all over my thumb. The damage is concentrated mostly on the top hanlf, only a little bit of scalding extending below the joint. But fuckshit it hurt like a mother.

In the end I didn't get to sleep until after 5:30 because the pain was so intense. I wound up with an ice pack on it, but after a while that wasn't cold enough anymore, so I got a face cloth and a mug of cold-cold water and kept dipping the cloth in water and wrapping it around my thumb. The only problem is, once the heat had transferred and the cloth wasn't icy anymore, it started burning all over again so I had to repeat. It took forever to get to sleep and a corner of my bed is still damp from the wet cloths.

In the end I managed to get to sleep though - after I decided that cutting off the blood flow to the burned area might make it hurt less / at least stop throbbing, so I wrapped a hair elastic several times around under the knuckle. Sure enough, as the blood flow slowed, the burning sensation mostly went away and I was able to pass out. OF COURSE this probably wasn't the best idea. When I woke up this morning, I couldn't feel my thumb at all and when I took the elastic band off, there was a deep mark in my skin where it had bitten into the flesh for several hours, and it looked pretty bruised from the pressure. Oops!

Whatever though, at least I got some fucking sleep!

It's still sore today but not really burny-throbby thank goodness, so at least I didn't sear the flesh off or anything, ew.

Upside to today, is that I'm down 2lbs from yesterday. Which gives me a net weight loss of 4.8lbs since we got home from Mexico. Granted, that was a week and a half ago, but progress is progress, right? I'm not comfortable enough with my numbers to post them here yet, but once I manage to get back into the 100's (i'm not THAT far above but still self-conscious about it) I will. In the meantime I'm keeping track in a spreadsheet.

So today is Day 1 of my ABC. I might wind up a little over, as I couldn't get out of going to McDonald's for lunch. Had a burger, a couple of fries (literally only a couple, I gave the rest to J), and a Sprite to drink, and the calories are 510 according to an online source. I felt really sick and thought I was going to vomit before we left, but I didn't and I have mixed feelings. Throwing up = involuntary purging which means no calories but I don't have to feel guilty about inducing a purge and turning to Mia's "dark side." On the other hand, purging is purging and I hate being sick and hoping for an "involuntary" purge still makes it Mia, doesn't it?

So, I kept it down. It's nearly 4pm and I'm 10 calories over my limit for today, but that's not so bad. My aunt knows I felt sick earlier though so I can probably quite easily get out of eating anything else for the rest of the day. So Day 1 is mostly a success, I think, as long as I can keep away from food for the rest of the day =]

Day 2 tomorrow is another 500 day which should be easy enough - I'm going out with S and maybe L tomorrow and we're meeting for coffee, so I might just get a plain coffee with skimmed milk and splenda, eat nothing and when I get home I can tell my aunt that we went to lunch and I stuffed myself so I'm not hungry for anything to eat for dinner.

Day 3 on Sunday is going to be difficult though. It's a 300 calorie day, but I've got my grandparents coming over for Sunday Dinner with turkey-etc. I'll probably wind up going a little over, but I figure my aunts know "I'm on a diet" so whatever is served to me I do not need to feel obligated to finish it at all, and shouldn't get a lot of hack for leaving food on my plate. I think what I might do it just eat like, half of what's served to me. The calories shouldn't be TOO bad - we are having turkey, Stovetop Stuffing and mashed potatoes and gravy, but the rest is just veggies like cabbage and maybe cauliflower. It will probably still be over 300 though. I'll just have to compensate on Monday and cut my calories down a bit further I guess.

Anyway, that's the plan for the next few days. Today I'm still super tired, but I need to sort my room out. I still haven't unpacked, haha, so it looks so cluttered in here!

Happy New Year to you all! What are your resolutions? Beside the obvious lol.

My resolutions are to:

1. Lose at least 50lbs by the time I go to Canada in the summer (that's a conservative 10lbs a month and that should be doable, right?)

2. Continue my Japanese learning and use at least one medium each day (Rosetta Stone, DS Game, Kana flashcards)

3. Draw up a list of weight loss rewards and stick to it!

4. Join a gym and go at least 3 times every week for an average of 2 hours a day. Ideally more but this will be my minimum.

5. See ABC through to the very end!

6. Find someone to love

There was more that I wanted to definitely accomplish this year, but now that it comes to writing it out, I can't quite remember what they were =/

Anyway I'm going to go for a nap! Have a great one, skinnies!

Vee xox

Work Rant

2010-01-01T15:17:00.004Z

Woot!

Ok before I get into the New Year shebang, I owe you all, yet another, work rant.

Basically, what happened is that I got metaphorically shat upon. If you've been following my blog recently you'll know that I was recently moved from a pension admin team to a pension helpdesk (read: call centre), and that it is so shit that my mood has plummetted something obscene.

The week between Christmas and New Year is notoriously slow for our company. Since we deal primarily with scheme administrators, employers and financial advisers and other finance companies/pension providers, there's always less work coming in, since most of those people tend to take the week off. Hell, I would be too if I had the holiday allowance left.

So, on Tuesday when I came in, my manager mentioned that, if it was really dead, they'd probably let people go home early. Which I was all for, since my sleep patterns have been even more fucked than usual (Monday night I got to sleep at 5 and my alarm went off at 7). So, come about 1:30, one of the other managers (the area I work in is a huge team divided into 4 subteams, all doing the same work but with different managers) came over to say that they're letting a few people go home early. One person from each subteam. So, my manger asks "So who wants to be the first one to go home?" and I put my hand up but so did everyone else.

Except for one dude, who said he "wasn't bothered about going home early" and didn't mind staying until the normal closing time. To be fair, my manager decided to draw a name randomly, like a fun raffle. And in the end, dude who didn't mind staying got to go home early. Sigh.

Then an hour later, it was time for the second person in teach team to go. Except, instead of drawing names and making it fair and random, my manager just stood up, got his stuff and said "Right ok, I'm off, see you tomorrow!"

What the shit.

So, me and two others had to stay until our usual finishing time.

Then Wednesday was more of the same. One of the other two guys who had to stay to our usual time were in, along with the two who went home early the day before, and one other guy who was off on Tuesday. So I figured, to make it fair, the two of us that had to stay the night before should be the two to go if they decided to let people go early.

At 2, because it was really quiet and there weren't enough calls coming in to keep everyone sufficiently busy, they decided to do it again. Instead of doing it randomly, my manager let the other guy who'd stayed the night before, go early. Since he stayed an hour later than me (the shift I work is usually 8:30 - 4, wheras this other dude always works until 5 instead and takes a longer lunch) he should get to go home early. Which I understood, but if our manager had let me go at 2 and other dude go at 3 then we'd both be in an equal boat and leaving exactly 2 hours early.

But, whatever. So he went. And then come 3, my manager came over and I thought, awesome I get to go home! But no. The dude who hadn't been in on Tuesday "wasn't feeling very well" so he got to go at 3 and I got to stay until my usual time.

I mean, I know I'm whining about the sake of one hour, but it was the fact that, if he was sick he should have gone home / not come in regardless of whether the company was letting people go home early. If he was that bad he shouldn't have come into the office to begin with. (paired with the fact that, when asked "What's up with him?" by another of my coworkers, my manager didn't say he was sick at all, just said "Oh he's just feeling old." Right.)

What annoyed me was the fact that, of everyone in our team who worked both Tuesday and Wednesday, I was the only one who didn't get to go home early.

Yesterday I *did* get to go home two hours early though so I'm slightly less irritated about it now. I came in at 8:30 and between then and 10:45 when I was told to go home, I only took two calls, it was SO boring. Of course, this wasn't just because I was the only one who'd had to work "late" the previous two days, everyone else in the team had the option to go at the same time but chose not to because they'd already made plans to meet friends when the office closed at 1.

In the end I was really glad they let me go home early because I needed it. Even though I left at 10:45, I didn't get home until nearly 12:30, and since I'd had like two hours of sleep that night I wanted to try to get a nap in before I started getting ready to go out.

Annyway, that was just my obligatory rantpost (I mean, what would my blog BE without rambling rantings right?), I'm going to do a separate post for New Year's Things =]

Comments!

2009-12-30T11:39:00.000Z

Just a short, super quick post while I’m sitting at work waiting for calls and for my manager to announce they’re letting people go early today. My rant will come, oh yes it will. But the short version of the story is that I had to work til my usual time yesterday, while my manager took off at 2. Grr.

Anyway, I wanted to reply to a couple recent comments. I was going to do ALL of the comments I got lately but I’ve replied to some over on your blogs, and it seems like a lot of effort to go through now. So, if I haven’t already replied to your comments, I’ll do so in my own comments section k?

I want to get back to replying to comments here, to make sure y’all see them, so here’s the most recent edition =]

Ana’s Girl: Yeah, the thing is I’m having trouble coming up with rewards lol. There are so many things I want but I don’t want to OVERspend, so I think I’m going to have to set aside money specifically for decent rewards, or else I’ll just wind up spending it on something stupid I don’t need haha. I’m starting the new year off with ABC so Day 1 will be Friday Jan 1st =] You’re more than welcome to join me! I’m actually really looking forward to having a strict plan to follow again, I wish the new year would just hurry up and get here already.

Dot: Yay, I’m so glad you’re back Dot! I’ve missed your blog! I am really seriously excited about studying Japanese, and the year’s study over there seems too good to be true. I wish I could do it now but there’s not enough time to get everything together, but I’m really looking forward to it. I just need to settle on a course now. There’s Japanese Studies on its own but then also dual majors that I *might* look into, since another degree would give me an extra step up in Careersville. <3

A Quickie Before Bed

2009-12-29T22:10:00.003Z

So, no weight change again today. Sigh. If this continues to happen next week when I'm back into ABC fully, I'm going to kick my own ass so hard...

Today wasn't too bad for food. I knew we were going out to eat again tonight so I didn't have anything to eat during the day at work. And the interesting thing is that I wasn't hungry either, nor was I craving food. My manager gave me a chocolate selection box that every member of staff got from the company, and I wasn't tempted at all to have one. In fact, the idea of eating chocolate makes me feel a little ill.

Thank the lord and His Noodly Appendages! R-amen!

Anyway. Dinner tonight I got a Cottage pie... It came with chips and veggies but I only have a few chips, no veggies (I hate cooked carrots unless they're cooked until they're almost mooshy, and I despiiiise peas unless they're raw from the pod). Didn't eat all of the cottage pie either. And no dessert. So huzzah!

I think I've decided on a course of action to make this a little less obvious to prying eyes. Maybe not right from the get-go but soon. My aunt's been talking about the milk-and-yogurt diet that she was on before she had her weight loss surgery, and how she might go back on it. Her surgeon told her that "normal people" can do that diet, but supplement the three pints of milk for Slim-fast shakes instead.

Now that's still around 1200 calories a day depending on the shake you get (I think they average around 300kcals each?) which is way too much for me. However, on the PRETENSE of being on this diet I can have nothing for breakfast or lunch at work and get away with publically eating a yogurt and part of a Slimfast shake instead, which is a fairly easy way to get only 250 calories in a day without looking TOO suspicious. The only problem is that it's only supposed to be done for a 10 day stretch and I think my aunt would have something to say about me continuing on this faux diet for longer than that. But if I do it for ten days here and there, she'll think I'm taking in more than I am, and since her surgeon and dietician TOLD HER it is an okay diet for people to follow, she can't have a go at me. In fact, I'm expressed an interest in giving it a try and she's been for it, saying she might do it too.

But my first plan of action is to do ABC. I might bash the two together and use the milk-and-yogurt diet as a way to hit the low calorie restrictions without looking too suspicious but ideally I'd like to be able to stick out the ABC period and then switch to the M.A.Y. diet afterward, which gives me a good two month plan.

Now obviously, I don't think any of us knows anyone who has managed to stick out ABC all the way through to the end, and though I am mostly a cynical realist, I'm trying to be optimistic here. My own negativity will not be my downfall, so rather than expecting to fail at some point in the next several weeks and being okay with that, I'm expecting myself to succeed as far as I possibly can. And I'll do my damndest to make it all the way.

Just think. 60 days of ABC/MAY could equal up to a 60lb weight loss! I mean again that's probably really over optimistic, but just imagine. I think if I managed to lose 60lbs in two months I'd have no motivation whatsoever to ever eat again.

As they say: nothing tastes as good as thin feels.

So, that's my plan of attack for the coming couple of months, taking me to the beginning of March.

Oh, I'm also drawing up a reward system (it goes to show you how my mind works, that rather than typing "reward" my fingers spelled out "retard" the first time and I had to go back and edit that). Rewards and positive reinforcement are good and help you to succeed. The problem is, most of what I want I already cave and buy anyway. Can we say £100+ a month on makeup? Sigh. But there are some things that I'm after that I haven't bought, so I'm going to make a list and stick to it.

Like, no more lipsticks until I've dropped 10lbs.
I'll go get my eyelashes tinted after I've dropped 20.

I've also been toying with the idea of getting false nails. I probably won't because I hate how they destroy your natural nails, and I've heard tales of your nails being RIDICULOUSLY painful once they're taken off because they're so thin and damaged. But damn, they look so nice, and I'm so fed up of how brittle my nails are. They keep peeling and breaking, and lately I've had three tear in a little at the side below the start of the nailbed, and I've had to be careful about trying to peel off the part that's trying to break off without tearing out half my nailbed.

Anyway I'm rambling off on completely unrelated tangents now.

I have another work-bitch but I'm tired and need to get to bed, so I'll write that one up tomorrow. Another Tale Of A Selfish Manager. Sigh.

Stay strong, skinnies!

Vee xox

No Change

2009-12-28T21:17:00.002Z

Weight remains the same. Sigh. Another outing tomorrow night but I don't want to go. As I mentioned before, the place we're going has horrible food anyway so that's a plus - I won't WANT or be TEMPTED to eat anything. Another diet coke, if you please!

I'm super tired so I'm going to go to bed... I'm stressed about going back to work tomorrow and it's making me fidgetey and weird, so I doubt I'll get much, but damnit I need to try. I'm sick of feeling so terrible. I hope my old manager is in tomorrow so I can tell him I'm looking for other work when I go grab the girls for "lunch" (my lunch being half a SlimFast shake). My new manager... I'm going to wait until I've gotten an interview or something. I'm such a retard that I feel bad for looking for other work, as if he's going to take it personally and get upset because I don't want to work for him.

Talk to you tomorrow

Vee xox

Update

2009-12-27T22:46:00.004Z

Whew.

So, I've come to a decision kind of.

I'm definitely going to apply for the Japanese Studies course here. But I'm going to wait until the next application period instead of doing it now. The deadline for this period is in around two weeks, which doesn't give me time to get everything in line and get references from old teachers from my high school back in Canada. And I'd like to be able to go to an open day and speak to people in the department, and won't have the option in the next couple weeks.

However, the timing kind of coincides nicely and gives me some options.

My good buddy S told me before I went away that her department is hiring at the moment. Not on a permanent basis, for a one year contract with the company. It's actually the same company I work for now, but in a different department and a different building. Instead of pensions, which I work in now, she works in Health Care. But anyway. If I apply for one of those jobs and get it, it gives me a year to work and try to save up as much money as I can for when I won't be in full time employment. This should take me up to at least next February - which is when my sister's wedding is over in Canada. Since I'll be working / finishing employment, I don't have to worry about taking two weeks away from school to go over there for it. Then the school term runs from October I believe. Which gives me 7 months, during which time I'm sure I can find something else, or the company may extend my contract for an additional 6 months.

(Note: The comany we work for works that way. When I stopped temping and applied to work for the company directly, I was given a one year contract. Which was then extended by six months and then another six months before I was finally given a permanent contract with the company. The same happened with S when she moved to the HC branch. She was given a four month contract, which was extended for another four months and then they offered her a permanent position. A year to eighteen months is all I need to fill, provided I get into University next year)

This is still something I definitely want to persue, and I'll continue using my own digital aids to try to learn the language as I can in my own time. But the year gives me more time to prepare, more time to save up money that I'll need and pay off my credit card debt so I have a clean slate before I start getting student loans. It gives me a little bit of security in the time leading up to re-entering fulltime education. But it also gives me one year to make sure that this is NOT just a phase and a passing fancy. If I can keep this up for another full year and my interest and passion hasn't faded, then I know I'm making the right decision and going to university for something that is not just a whim, if that makes sense.

So, that's where I stand right now. I think if the application period were a couple of months from now and I had a little more time to prepare, I would go for it, but as it is I only have two weeks and that is not nearly enough time to get everything in order, especially since my case isn't as straightforward as it is for most people who enter University each year. I have the whole difference in the education systems between Canada and England to contend with, and when I last applied I was urged to get my application and information in as early as possible, and to contact the head of admissions in my chosen department to let him know of my circumstances. So January is just too close.

I'm hoping they might have a Spring term that starts though. I think the program I applied for before had two application periods, one for classes starting in October, and one for classes starting in March or April. Which would be ideal, but I can't find any reference to that for the Japanese Studies program. Which, again, is another reason to speak with someone at the University.

That was fairly longwinded, but right now I'm pretty happy with my decision. And even though I'm absolutely fucking dreading going back to work on Tuesday, I feel a little happier now that I've made some plans for the future and have somewhere to set my focus and my gaze. I'm not just staggering blindly through the dark trying to find a job that may someday become a career or figuring out what I want out of life. At least now I've got a plan for the next five years. And since the program includes one year of study in Japan, I'll get to experience living there for the year and will either love it or hate it and decide to move there or come back here. But at least now I feel like I have options. I have a mother fucking FIVE YEAR PLAN.

Contemplating Change

2009-12-27T03:40:00.002Z

After all the time I've bitched about my job, especially the stress that's been added lately, it's clearly past time to make a change. I've accepted the fact that the next month or monthS will be spent applying for a thousand jobs that pay barely more than half what I'm bringing home now, going on interviews or never hearing back before I finally found something. I'm resigned to the fact that the only other alternative is hating my job and letting it make me near-suicidally depressed in my home life too.

But, I've been thinking about alternatives. One of the dudes who works in my old team told me last week that he's leaving. He's going back to university (he already has a degree which he has never and will never use) and is going to work for his dad in the meantime. We had a very brief email exchange at work early last week, and it's gotten me thinking.

I told him that, if there was something that really interested me, I would go to university. That the only reason I'm not at school right now is that I don't know "what I want to be when I grow up."

But, is that entirely true?

I told my aunts ages ago that I was looking into Japanese Studies courses. I'm fascinated by Japanese culture and want to learn the language badly. But at the time the only means of studying not-on-my-own was a £660/week private tutor. That's more than half the money I'm bringing home right now, whatthefuck. So I put it off.

But tonight whilst randomly searching the internet, I stumbled across a website for a school in Japan that will sponsor foreign students for a 2 year student Visa to live and study Japanese at their school.

And then I happened to discover that one of our two Universities right here in the city - the same University, in fact, that I applied to two years ago and would have been accepted and offered a place at had I attended the open day and not withdrawn my application - does, in fact, have a Japanese Studies course. In fact, it has several combined courses, ranging from Japanese Studies with *insert other language here* to more practical applications like business classes.

I find myself sitting here seriously considering my options. Just a couple of weeks ago, my aunt asked me if I didn't want to be studying right now. She said "Now's the time to do it, while you're living with family and don't have a mortgage or anything to pay for."

Regardless of which school I applied to, if I were accepted the school tuition/facility/etc fees would be between £10,000-15,000. (A two year course at the school in Tokyo is around £10,000 plus room and board and money to spend, and the one here is a 4-year-course-with-one-year-study-in-Japan and the tuition is £3,225 a year)

If I had money lying around I would do it. As it is, I'm terrified that I'll apply and get rejected. Or that I'll apply, get accepted, be declined for bursaries because they're decided on your "household income" and J is on the same wage I am right now, and my aunt is bringing in ten grand a year more than either of us. Or that I'll get accepted and wind up not getting approved for student loans because of my nearly £5,000 of credit card debt (although my credit can't be THAT bad since my bank randomly appear to have increased my credit limit by £1,400 two weeks ago).

I think what this boils down to is fear.

Fear of independence.
Fear of being out in the world on my own.
Fear of failure.
Fear of change.

Just fear in all its forms.

But more and more lately I've been thinking that this is something I really want to do. I want to become fluent in the Japanese language, I want to learn its history and all about its culture and its people. And more recently I've been thinking that, one day I would really actually love to LIVE there.

But I'm also scared that this is a phase. It's something that I've been very into for the past year, but what if suddenly I wake up and it's just a passing fancy? Like every other fucking hobby or interest I've had in my life. Even my writing - the book I wanted so badly to get published before I'm 30... Well, it's still an ambition I have but I haven't written more than a several-page generic email in the past God only knows how long.

I don't want to take a risk and make a jump and wind up wasting it and regretting it.

But maybe this is fate, if you believe in fate. I've finally found something that - right now at least - I really, really want to do. And in the same breath I'm thrust into a position at work that I would almost rather cease to exist at all than remain in. I'm basically being forced out of the career I've had for the past four years, and my choices at this point are find another full time admin job, or get something part-time and go to fucking school already.

I don't know what to do. I'm scared. I can't make big decisions on my own, yet at the same time I'm the only one who CAN make this decision for me. Even my decision to move halfway around the world was made completely on impulse - an impulse I haven't regretted, mind, but impulse all the same.

Maybe I'm overthinking this. Maybe what I need to do is just... leap. Jump into the unknown, and if it falls apart, I'm no worse off (except a little older and more in debt.)

Fuck me. I don't know what to do.

ED-Friendly Foodblog Update

2009-12-26T21:55:00.003Z

I know I've been saying I'd do it for like, the past year, but I've finally gotten around to typing out recipes from the Hungry Girl: 200 Under 200 book. Just posted the first one up over at my other blog: Champagne Petals. The recipe is for a 126-calorie cinnamon roll with cream cheese icing =] Nutritional stats are at the top of the post too.

There are other foodlists there, like "foods under 50 calories" and I hope to expand these lists in the near future. I'll also be posting more from this book and other low-cal recipes I happen to find along the way. So, go follow it if you haven't already.

I'm also taking suggestions/submissions, so if you want to contribute your favourite low-cal/"safe" foods, drop me an email at xsnuffondigital@live.co.uk =]

Anyway, more to come soon and I hope you guys will check it out!

Vee xox

A Christmas Miracle?

2009-12-26T20:15:00.003Z

Somehow I'm down 1.5lbs from yesterday morning.

Of course, I'm still suffering from Upset Stomach Everytime I Eat Or Drink Anything. And my antibiotics are making me feel so nauseous that it would be so so so easy to purge if I wanted to... Aside from the fact that it would render my antibiotics completely useless, I fucking hate purging and have no desire to do so anyway. But still.

So, Christmas roundup!

I got exactly the bracelet I thought I was from my aunts! I would take photos to post here right now, but I'm downloading like eighteen JPop music videos and trying to rip the audio from them so my computer is RIDICULOUSLY slow so it's not happening right this minute! But, it's a silver one with like Mayan faces on each of the circular silver links on it. Not the kind of bracelet I'm after (sigh, again the Tiffany's one. But I think I may have found a knockoff online for $15+shipping!) but it's really nice and a perfect souvenir. Since, I didn't bother to buy souvenirs for myself while I was in Mexico. I bought makeup and perfume and a ring and earrings but nothing that can be considered a souvenir. But I'm digressing, again.

A pair of pretty silver earrings to match the ring/earrings I bought before we left. They have tanzanite, cubic zirconia, and the same blue-green opal that the other jewellery has.

A REALLY soft but very thin (like cotton-t-shirt thin but it feels like fucking cashmere, even though it isn't) scarf from Debenhams from my great aunt. Too cold to switch out my wool scarf right now but it's very nice

A set of mini body-bath products. Lavender and Rose scented shower gels and a lavender body lotion. A white showercap with hot pink polkadots. This was from my aunt and I facepalm'd when I opened it. It's an inside joke that goes back to me as a child, when my grandparents used to have a ton of shower caps around from their various hotel-stays between here and England. And for some reason I used to always wear these shower caps in the bath. And then wondered why my hair still got wet when I laid down in the water. Yeah.

A "magic!" facecloth thing that is in the shape of Nemo (yes, THAT nemo) and when you put it into water it transforms into a cute cloth, I guess.

A box of oreos (which were binged upon since yesterday's entry, I will admit. Luckily, England's "packet of Oreos" isn't a huge thing with eight hundred cookies in it. Instead we're talking a dozen, which is still shitty. But fuck, I'm still down a pound and a half).

Uh, I think that's it. It was a small Christmas this year, but it was still nice. Of course everyone broke the rules and instead of "Secret Santa" and just buying one £30 for one person each, we all bought something for everyone. My granny had my aunt's partner for her SS and she bought me the earrings. I had my granny and bought my aunts both a little Lush box of bath products. My aunt had me and bought my granny and J something. Etc. So, it was a surprise on Christmas morning lol, each of us thought we were the only ones breaking the rules.

Right now, I'm going to continue getting these mp3s ripped so I can finally update my iPod - might I add that I ripped my new GaGa CD the day before I went to Mexico and transferred Four CDs of music to my iPod before we left, but it didn't actually update. So pissed. Now that I'm back it's like Bad Romance overload! And I'm also updating my Chococat 2010 Diary from Wal-Mart in Mexico, to include the ABC calorie limits starting on the 1st of Jan. I'm actually really looking forward to this. If you read my blog from the beginning, you'll see that I did ABC before, way back last year. And I had some decent success with it. Even with taking a week off to get over illness and a couple family meals out, I still managed to drop several pounds in a few weeks. So I'm excited to do it. It feels right, and it's a good way to kick my ass back into shape from the get-go. I'm still restricting as far as I can at the moment, but not as far as I *should* which is why I'm looking forward to having some structure to adhere to =]

Incidentally, if any of you are into Japanese Pop Music - or even if you're not - you should listen to "Hangry & Angry - Angelia." I just heard it for the first time about an hour ago and it was instant love, I've got it stuck hard in my head right now. Try as I might I just can't stop listening to it right now. In fact, I love it so much I'm going to make it easy for you and embed the video here for y'all =]

PS: Am I the only one who is totally fucking in love with Harajuku fashion? I swear to god, when I'm skinny and fabulous I want to move to Japan and be a Harajuku style icon. And maybe teach English on the side so I can AFFORD said fashions.

Confession

2009-12-25T20:25:00.002Z

I joined an online dating site because I was so god damn fed up of being alone and unloved and missed being in a relationship. I've had a ton of messages from interesting parties but I'm too self conscious about what a fucking whale-monster I am that I've declined every invitation to go on a date. So I closed my account instead of agreeing to meet a single one of the many, many cute guys I had messaging me.

No wonder I'm still fucking single.

Merry Christmassss (or insert other holiday or nonholiday you celebrate here)

2009-12-25T20:06:00.003Z

Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit.

Today's Christmas dinner didn't go too badly. Christmas is almost always a cheat day, so I'm trying not to feel guilty but damnit it's hard. I didn't eat too much, and most of it was vegetables (like carrots and brussel sprouts, and is it weird that I fucking LOVE sprouts, when they're cooked til they're soggy and barely need chewing and eaten with a lot of salt and basically no other nutritional value left?), but there were also mashed potatoes, one roast potato piece, one piece of roast parsnip, a little stuffing and a slice and a half of turkey crown. Dessert was ice cream, which only added about 80 calories on top. Everyone else was devouring Christmas pudding with tons of cream and brandy butter and thick ass custard, but just looking at it made me feel ill. Blech.

But. I have to do it all again tomorrow. I can't remember if I blogged about this in the past couple days but it completely slipped my mind today that my granny is doing Christmas dinner tomorrow at her house, since my aunt missed it today. So, we're talking the full works all over again. =/

And then Sunday my aunts and I are going out for a Christmas meal with some mutual friends (H and S2) and they booked this well before we went away but I completely fucking blanked. And then we're supposed to be going out for dinner again at this restaurant near home that I absolutely detest - all it has is fatty foods, even the two salads on the menu have a ton of shit in them, fuck - and I do not remember agreeing to this one but of course I'm obligated to go. I'm not even sure who is going but I think it's my aunt's work folks?

Then Friday is new year's eve and we're going out... New Year's Eve is also H's birthday, so we're supposed to be hitting town. Which means alcohol. Maybe I'll get so drunk on spirits (like, vodka and diet coke) that I'll be hungover for the rest of the weekend and therefore have an excuse to ditch the New Year's Meal Slash Sunday Dinner J is cooking for my grandparents to come over next Sunday? In either case, I'm starting ABC on Jan 1st, so it'll be a 500 day. I can get through a family dinner on a 500 day, I'm sure. And, plus my aunts know full well I'm trying to lose weight.

In fact my aunt actually criticized me over it while we were away. I was telling her I'm going to "start taking dieting very seriously come the new year and need to see how much cash I have so I can rejoin my gym and everything" and being really positive. I wanted to make it clear that I have a set "start date" as it were so come the new year when my aunts are suggesting ordering pizza or hitting McDonald's on the way home from the cinema, I can just say "dude no, I'm losing weight remember? I can't eat that and you know it" - kind of a means to pre-empt their interference with my plans to restart ABC.

But anyway, what she said to me was "Make sure you do because I don't want you to wind up like me. I kept putting it off and making excuses for gaining weight and just never went ahead and lost it and then realized, how the fuck did I Get so fat?"

And I was thinking, thanks for being supportive, fuck. But then I realized, that kind of criticism is EXACTLY what I need right now. Fuck complacency and apathy. Tell me I'm fat and I'll prove you wrong. Granted I haven't shifted the weight I gained in Canada, but it's not like I put on two stone and am trying to justify it. I've been trying to restrict but it's just been IMPOSSIBLE the past while. But at this point it's crystal clear that I'm "dieting" and "cutting back" and "losing weight." If anything else, the fact that I'm Maid of Honour for my sister's wedding in February 2011 is just extra motivation, on top of the fact that my aunt basically called me Fat.

Incidentally, before her surgery she took to nicknaming her belly fat. The top roll is called Ben and the lower stomach fat is Jemimah. While we were in Mexico, I was sitting on our balcony area in possibly the most unflattering pair of hipster jeans that always make my middle look bigger than they are (I packed the wrong pair in my haste =/) and she said "Look! You have a Ben bit too!"

Like, bitch just called me fat AND named my stomach. And expected me to laugh about it.

Fuck this bullshit. I'm upset and pissed off but I'm going to channel this emotion into DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

I can't get out of the meals coming up this week, but I *can* make those meals the only things I'm eating for the next several days. I'm going to try to restrict as far as I can on Wed-Thurs-Fri as well. Meaning, I'm planning on trying to fast but with Thursday's alcohol consumption my aunt will probably be on my case to eat something "substantial" before we go out. But hopefully I'll feel so shitty on Friday I won't be able to. That said, Friday is Day One of ABC. And fuckshit,I think I just miscounted my days because I thought above that Sunday is Day 2 but according to that, it's actually Day 3. Whatever, I'll do my best to stick to the calorie restrictions while humoring my family as best I can at dinner.

This post is more random and disjointed than usual and for that I apologise. As I was writing I kept remembering more things and getting more pissed off about them.

So, incidentally, MERRY CHRISTMAS/HAPPY HOLIDAYS. I hope you've all had an awesome day and the Family Eating Events haven't been too stressful for you. I'm going to go hate myself, my life, and the people in it now.

Vee xox

(ps: I already mentioned this but it's worth saying again, that I'm on Facebook under Vee Seethrough if you want to add me =] Also, if you want to email correspondence or chat on MSN, drop me a comment here with your address or send me an email to xsnuffondigital@live.co.uk. Hope to hear from you soon dolls!)

Acute Sinusitis

2009-12-24T13:22:00.002Z

Ugh, so the sinus infection I've had since before my trip to Mexico still hasn't gone away, even though I was taking 1500mg of antibiotics every day for a week. So, I went back to the doctor this morning and she's given me something else to try... Just one pill a day for a week and hopefully this will clear it up. Ugh.

Went into work after and took my first pill (today I take two) and not twenty minutes later I felt really dizzy and nauseous and sick, and had to run to the bathroom. Was nearly sick a billion times but held my shit together, because I didn't want to throw up the damn medicine. But then I went and told my manager I'm not well at all so he let me go home again. I called my grandparents and asked if my grandpa would drive me home if I got the bus/tram to their house, and of course he obliged. But I had to stop off in town on the way to get my grandmother's Christmas present and a box of chocolates to take to my great-aunt and -uncle's house tomorrow. The entire time I was struggling not to be sick and felt absolutely terrible =///

The upside is, the idea of food makes me feel horrendous. I got to my grandmother's house and had half a slice of toast (shared the rest of it with her dog), and hung out a bit before my grandpa brought me home. When I got here I microwaved a pouch of rice and had a single bite of it before throwing it away. I love rice, I have to admit it's a weakness of mine, but today it just disgusted me. Which is for sure a good thing! I've got a ton of chocolate around me in the house right now, but I'm not actually tempted at all to eat it. So I guess in that sense, being sick is a good thing. I don't think it's JUST being sick though...

I feel like I'm just fed up of food in general. That doesn't make any sense does it?

Last night was horrible, I had a really bad headache - sinus headache - that kept me up even though I was super super tired. So I'm kind of glad I had a reason to get out of work. It was ridiculously quiet in there anyway so it's not a big loss. I apologised to my manager because I feel like such a flake, but he was okay about it, told me "you can't help it!" and wished me a merry Christmas and all that.

It's my aunt's birthday (she's 38 today!) so tonight we'll all be going over to my grandma's house again for a couple of hours in the evening. We do this every year, go to granny's house and hang out. Sometimes they used to stay over there for the night too, when I lived there, and then we'd have Christmas there. But not this year. The plan is to get takeout to eat too, usually either Chinese or KFC or something, but I feel terrible and have no desire whatsoever to eat, which is pretty awesome =]

Anyway, Merry Christmas (or whatever other holidays you celibrate (or don't celebrate)) to you all, I'll probably post later tomorrow to update but in any case, have a great one.

Stay Strong,
Vee xox

Totals

2009-12-21T21:01:00.003Z

Today is boring as hell. Checked out of our room around 11, bought some super nice jewellery (a ring and some earrings) from the gift shop at the hotel that I'd been eyeing both here and at various shops since I got here (will post pics later <3)

Since then we've been sitting around in the lobby waiting for our coach to pick us up to take us to the airport. The coach doesn't come until 4:30, it's only 3 now, and we've already been waiting for HOURS. The Travel Folk decided to go for lunch a little under an hour ago, and I had three pieces of the most disgusting tortellini I've ever tasted (which nearly made me sick and was in a nacho cheese sauce. Barf). And then my aunt made me eat two pieces of her super-small club sandwich-on-toast, since she saw me eat three pieces of pasta... nearly made me order desset but I resisted and said my stomach was still feeling upset and I was feeling ill and didn't want to, so got out of that. Breakfast was a couple breakfast sausages and maybe one scrambled egg. Equally gross, and I felt physically sick. I took some French toast with fried bananas for show but didn't have a single bite =]

Really looking forward to starting ABC on New Year's now.

But in the meantime I might actually DIE from the boredom I'm feeling right now. It's 3, but it's another 5+ hours until the flight. And I only have an hour of internet time left, and 3 hours on my laptop battery. I might save it so I can watch a movie at the airport or on the plane.. Siiiigh.

Hope you're all doing okay. Stay strong!

Vee xox

Networking

2009-12-21T03:59:00.002Z

Also... I'm on Facebook (anonymously I mean ;)) You can search and find me as Vee Seethrough. I haven't done much on my account yet, so it's pretty blank and sparse but feel free to look me up if you want to.

And, do any of you want to chat it up on msn or AIM? If you do, drop me a comment here with your details (I'll add you but will delete the comment instead of publishing it so it isn't visible to any old body) and I'll add you =]

See you on the flip-side

Stay strong my beauties!
Vee xox

ps: pokerface, if you read this, I hope you're doing ok and sorry I haven't caught you online in a while. Missing you, boy! I'll try to catch you on msn soon =]

Gross but Good (warning: talk of poop)

2009-12-21T03:16:00.002Z

My stomach has been ridiculously upset the past several days. I think it's a mixture of anxiety and that I may be coming down with a bug. But I'm kind of glad. Example: dinner tonight, I had a mouthful of rice and a couple tablespoons worth of mashed potatoes, and then a couple scoops of ice cream. Luckily it was all pretty rank so I didn't finish what I did put on my plate. Not twenty minutes later I had rather explosive diarrhoea, and everything I ate was flushed completely out of me (that was apparent by the whole undigested pieces of coconut from the ice cream that was visible... after). Honestly I'm surprised my family hasn't noticed the amount I've been eating... I've been taking a small amount of food to start with, then eating less than half and leaving it. I've been expecting comments, but nobody's said a thing, so I'm not sure they've noticed.

I'm going home tomorrow, and I've got mixed feelings. I'm looking forward to seeing my kitties and catching up with S and L, and most of all sleeping in my own bed. And of course, having more control over the food that I'm eating, since right now everything is catered and there's not a huge variety. Rice and various fish-cooked-in-some-manner-of-sauce, vegetables and meats coated in sauces and gravies. Ugh, my stomach is squirming just thinking about it. Once I get home I can settle back into my own routines, and I'm really looking forward to it.

I think at this point I'm going to start ABC on New Year's Day. I'll restrict before then but plunge right back in at the start of the new year. It seems like a nice way to start the year - after all, they say that however New Year's Day goes, sets the precident for the rest of the year. Anybody with me? =]

Thank you all for your comments on my Exercise Tips, that's a great idea. I've already "obtained" a few Yoga DVDs that I'm going to burn when I get home.

But I've got another question for you: Pro Ana bracelets. I want one. I have for a while, but haven't gotten around to it yet. I'm having trouble finding something I really like. I mean I found one, but since I apparently have expensive tastes, it's a silver Tiffany & Co bangle with a red enamel inlay. Gorgeous, but somewhere in the region of £300.

I'd love to make my own but I'm tres uncreative and tend not to finish creative projects that I start. Which is bad, but whatever. I started making one in different shades of red and black thread, Friendship-Bracelet style, but I didn't like it so I stopped making it..

So the question is, do you have one? If so, where did you get it?

Thanks again, I hope you're all doing well and had a great weekend.

Vee xox

RIP: Brittany Murphy

2009-12-20T20:29:00.003Z

Wow, I'm pretty shocked but apparently Brittany Murphy died this morning from "full cardiac arrest." This has been a bad year for celebrity deaths, it seems.

Brittany was always a big source of Thinspo for me, and I've always been a fan of her as an actress. She was such a crazy bitch, and I loved The Crazy.

I'll probably post my first batch of thinspo pics here in honor of her later.

Dread

2009-12-19T23:29:00.000Z

Holy Christ, I can't believe how on edge I am lately. I'm even pissing myself off at this point with my random catiness and whiplash inducing mood swings. The smallest things and irritating me and I'm trying not to let it show, but although nobody's said anything to me I'm pretty sure my bitchtasticness is at least a little apparent. And it's all because I'm so fucking stressed out and absolutely DREADING going back to work. I can't even find it in me to enjoy these last couple of days away, because it just feels like a ticking time bomb.

The sooner I find a new job, the better, I think. Which is more stress, but at least it's a means to an end and hopefully a job I don't despise to the point of depression and panic attacks.

Today was a day much like any other. Got up, breakfast with The Vacationers (a tiny scoop of scrambled eggs, two strips of bacon and a couple small breakfast sausages. I dread to even attempt the calorie counts here, fuck), lounging on a sun bed by the pool listening to loud music and reading (The Time-Traveller's Wife, in case anyone is wondering, and I just finished The Bible AKA Wasted). Quick buffet lunch that consisted of exactly six french fries and then some ice cream. Retired to my room to watch episodes of Gossip Girl and catch up - I don't smoke, Gossip Girl is my replacement addiction.

Which brings me to now. Bored and stressed out. All this nervous energy must be good for burning calories though, I'm always moving, fidgeting, I can not physically sit still, which is in turn keeping me awake which is the opposite of awesome but I don't sleep well anyway so it's not a major loss. I feel physically ill all the time right now. And I'm constantly tired, both from the lack of sleep and as a side effect of being so god damn down right now.

The laughable part is how this whole work fiasco has played out. My old manager, my old manager's-manager, my new manager, my new manager's-manager, and every single member of staff in my old team and new team know how much I hate this, how much it's affecting me and how down I am. But nobody cares. It's like I'm being penalized for being good at my job. All they're seeing is my numbers are awesome. The new area needs good numbers. Ergo, I move. But oh my Christ. Agh, I need to scream and punch and preferably stab something. Repeatedly. But I'm getting offtopic.

This whole thing feels like a huge step backwards. I've gone from having the highest work stats and productivity in my old team doing pension admin work... to not knowing a god damn thing. I'm a fish out of water. I'm supposed to be working on a call centre for group pension schemes. Taking calls from financial advisers, scheme administrators, employers, some plan holders. And answering their questions and sorting things out. But, I know absolutely fuck all about group pension schemes. I worked on group schemes when I first started with the company, but I was a glorified mail-girl. I sorted out incoming post for our scheme. I sent out confirmation letters and policy documents and the occasional forms. The scheme I worked on was a very sensitive one that was administered differently to every other scheme the company deals with. I know nothing about what I'm doing.

People call and ask questions and I do not have the slightest fucking clue. I've gone from being the best member of staff in my team, to the new girl who knows nothing. The only advantage I have over hiring a few temps from the agency, is that I know my way around the eight thousand systems we use to keep information and updates et al.

After my first week of training, I went to talk to my old manager and asked if there was any way I could be moved back. He's a great guy and is one of only two managers I've had that I've felt I can really talk to, who cares about his staff as people and not just numbers and stats. (Incidentally, I once worked for my new manager before for a couple of months. At the time, I had a review and he told me I'm great and the work I was doing was fantastic, but I wouldn't be able to get a raise because the document the company used to use to outline the eligibility for a pay rise basically said I'd need to get further training on a wider variety of admin work in order to get one. At the time all of our work was being sent to be processed in India and there was no admin work to train me on. Therefore, it was "sorry but you can't get a raise and it will be very difficult for you to get one in the near future." Fast forward, and this year under two different managers I've had four raises. So I'm not happy to be working him to start with. Fuck.)

Anyway, he said probably not as his hands are pretty much tied, but he'd speak to his manager and see what was what and post it to him hypothetically. A week later he told me that his manager wanted me to give it a couple of weeks and see if it would grow on me. A week, two weeks later I was still miserable, moreso even. So I spoke to him again and he said that his manager still wanted me to try, but he "didn't want it to get to the point where I was thinking about looking for another job." So I was honest and told him that, as things stood at that point, I would be looking for another job after Christmas. So he said he'd put the pressure on his manager and tell him this, as the company doesn't want to lose me altogether.

Then, my last day before coming here to Mexico, I went to say farewell to my old colleagues before heading off, and we spoke again. He said his manager said no, he hadn't been able to get anywhere - but if I was thinking of leaving he would "fight to keep me".

I'm sorry but, is that not what he was doing to begin with?

I'm just so irritated and annoyed and frustrated, it's such bullshit. When I go back I'll tell him point blank I'm applying for other work. I'm not expecting anything to happen, but you never know. Of course, even if they did move me back to where I was before, or even to another administrative area that isn't just callcentre work, it would then count against me next review time because I'm "inflexible" and "can't deal with change." (which is bullshit, in the four years I've worked for that company I've had no less than a dozen different managers. And every single time I've taken it in stride.)

But right now I feel like I'm constantly on the verge of a panic attack. I could burst into tears right now, would be quite happy in fact for my plane to crash on the way back from Mexico next week.

Add my food and weight issues on top of that, and I'm basically a walking cocktail for disaster right now.

Sorry for all the ranting, but I need to spill it out because if I don't I'm going to explode in a huge way. My regular blogging will probably be more interspersed with work ranting than usual for the forseeable future - just a heads up.

Love you all, and I hope you're doing well and hitting your goals. And that life in general is going better for you than it is for me right now.

Vee xox

Tips Please?

2009-12-19T04:03:00.002Z

What are your favourite / the best ways to exercise at home with minimal (read: basically none unless improvised from household objects) or no equipment?

Viva La Mexico

2009-12-18T21:22:00.001Z

Bleh. I'm so bad at updating this thing. In my defense, I haven't had internet access that's been stable for Christ knows how long. I finally got a new wireless receiver, so I *should* be able to get back to blogging a lot.

But anyway. Here's my vast update.

Canada: I gained weight. I knew that I would and had kind of resigned myself to that fact, since the outings were things I could not worm my way out of (though I did manage to skip a couple meals while out with friends by claiming I'd eaten before going out). I know I've already written about this before, but the reason I bring it up again is because I still haven't managed to lose the weight I gained while I was there. And that is fucking horrible.

Right now I'm in Mexico, on vacation with family (my aunts, my granny, my granny's friend and Friend's Annoying Daughter). Mexico is amazing except that I want to cry all the time because I have to wear a bathing suit and am fatter than basically EVERYONE else here. We go home on Monday Mexico time and get back to England on Tuesday afternoon English time. On the one hand I'm looking forward to getting home and being able to refocus on my goals and settle back into a routine - these buffet dinners here are just exacerbating the stress that's been feeding on me for a long while. People are always eyeing what I'm eating, how much I'm eating, and it's driving me insane. The upside has been free frozen cocktails. The downside has been the calories included in said cocktails. I can't win right now.

When I go home I'm stepping up the game. I'm toying with the idea of just redoing ABC after Christmas is over (there are many family dinners and shit going on that I simply won't be able to get out of / won't be able to stick to ABC for a week or so, and I'd rather restrict on my own as much as I can and then do ABC right when I know that I can). So I think that's what I'm going to do.

That aside, I've been so depressed lately that I don't know what to do with myself. I haven't been this down in years and I don't know what to fucking do about it. I'm one huge ball of stress right now. About a month to six weeks ago, work decided that they needed me to move to another department. They didn't ask me or give me details, they just said hey, on Monday morning go up to the third floor and they'll tell you what they need you to do.

Turns out I'm now working on a fucking pensions helpdesk.

I don't know how to explain my aversion to telephone work. I hate it. I hate it so much that I am on the verge of a constant panic attack every minute I'm at work. Every minute that I'm at home and think about work. Every second I spend in bed trying to sleep but dreading having to get up and do it all over again the next morning. I cried several times at work and I feel like I might actually need to leave. My old manager has been speaking to his manager and heads-of-the-departments to try to get me moved back to his team, but it's been unsuccessful. But I just can't do this. My new manager took me aside and said, if I'm feeling bad and need to take ten minutes to go cry, just tell him I'm stepping away for a few and that's fine.

I'm sorry but what kind of bullshit is that? Why the fuck should I be in a position where I hate my job so much that it's making me depressed to the point that the prospect of throwing myself in front of a bus is looking preferable to having to go back to that shit hole, that I have to take a few minutes out of my working day to go cry? Every. Day.

It sounds whiney and inconsequential and I just really can't put into words how I feel about this. I hate it so much. I actually loved my job, and not two weeks after I finally recognized the fact that "oh shit, I love my job, when did that happen?" they moved me. And I've been so down, so low, hating every minute of it. It's not any one aspect of the job, it's the whole thing together. I'm not a phone kind of person to begin with either - I have to psych myself up for half an hour to call my bank to question a charge, and then get flustered and confuse myself and the operator while I'm on.

So, I think after Christmas I'm also going to be looking into a new job. I can't deal with this, and I refuse to stay somewhere that is making me so unhappy, that is so detrimental to my health and wellbeing. I had a week off with the stomach flu when I first moved to the new team, but in retrospect it wasn't the flu at all, it was me getting so stressed out that I made myself physically and violently ill for a week. Even now I feel nauseous and lightheaded when I think that next Wednesday morning I'll have to go back and do it all over again.

God, I hate this so much. More stress that I don't need.

I missed you girls and guys so damn much, you have no idea. Thank Christ for overpriced hotel WiFi. And a new wireless router at home.

Typing this makes me feel incrementally a little better every time I post an entry. Coming back here to you, is like coming home.

Thank you for being the one group of people I can talk to, can vent to and trust to understand and know and not judge. I love you all.

Now tell me what I've missed! I have so much catching up to do on your blogs!

Vee xoxoxox

I swear to god if one more thing happens I'm going to shoot whoever is in charge of the world.

2009-10-29T16:26:00.003Z

First of all, sorry for the sporadic updates. My internet is still pretty failley and I haven't been at work to post except for Tuesday and was super super busy. I'm still around though and will post whenever I can.

So.

Went to see a Pink concert last night with my aunts. I'm not huge into her music, always thought she was okay or good but never really made a point to buy her CDs or go out of my way to listen to her. But I have to say, the concert was amaaaazing. I was tres impressed for sure. She did an acoustic set, and some of the songs were better than the record versions.

Got home and went to sleep around 1:30. I had today off so had planned to sleep in and veg out and do absolutely nothing other than enjoy the time off work.

Except, I was woken up at 7 to a phone call from my great-aunt (not the one who's sick, my grandpa's sister who lives next door to him and we barely ever see) telling me my grandfather "has an accident" last night and was in the hospital. Went to the hospital and found out where he was and talked to him. In the end he's mostly okay, he said he took his dog for a walk last night and went into a coughing fit, and as he bent over to cough he had a headrush or something and blacked out, hit the deck, and woke up to paramedics talking to him.

They did a chest xray and things but it came back clear, which is good. I've mentioned before but my grandfather is in heart failure, so of course my immediate response was ohmygodhehadaheartattackhesgoingtoDIE. He's got a couple scrapes on the bridge of his nose and forehead but aside from that he's not marked up or anything.

But, his left hand is in a ton of pain and he can't really move it. He thought he may have landed on it and broke something, and the doctor was going to do an xray today. I think it may have come back clear though as they're keeping him in overnight again for some tests.

He had this same hand issue last year on Boxing Day (I prolly posted about it here and N99 at the time) and the doctors did all sorts of tests to make sure he hadn't had a stroke or heart attack or something, but they never did figure it out. After a couple of days it went away on its own and they let him go.

So.. big stress today. I'm happy he seems to be okay but you never know. And now I'm waiting for the third thing to happen =/

Oh, the best part of this, is that my grandmother is currently over at my other great-aunt's house (her sister, the one who has blood cancer) and we don't have the number there. So I try to call granny's mobile phone to get her and as usual it is turned off. I am SO pissed off. I get it in the neck if I miss a call from her, but hers is turned off when she's away, never mind emergencies or the fact that her husband's been in the hospital like twice in the past year.

Kore wa dame desu

2009-10-26T23:12:00.002Z

Translation: This is bad. (yes it's pretty lame but it's the first Japanese sentence I've managed to put together on my own that wasn't found or taught as a generic "helpful phrase.")

But yeah. I'll update you more tomorrow but right now I'm still in a state of disbelief over the bullshit of last night. My brain is full of all manner of whatthefuckery.

Hope you're all doing well.

V

Because apparently it's "cool" to burn houses down now

2009-10-25T22:30:00.002Z

There are not even WORDS in my vocabulary (and my vocabulary is extensive!) to explain just how fucking pissed I am. And also there is a lot of disbelief. I want to scream. There is nobody around or online for me to rant or vent to, and nothing to punch without hurting myself. So you get to hear the story.

...and now I'm fucked off that Blogger won't let me fucking past text. GAH.

My aunts got a call about an hour ago from our ex-neighbour, who lived next door to our old house. She called to let them know that a bunch of kids/teens have been hanging around the house and she heard something but wasn't sure, but thought they may have put something through the letterbox. So, my aunts went over to check it out, but this goes fucking above and beyond all the other shit they've had to put up with..

My aunt just called to tell me that these fucking idiots have completely smashed up the gate/fence to the back yard, kicked in the door, and dragged a disposable barbeque set inside the house - clearly they were planning to set it on FIRE and burn it fucking down.

At this point, I could not be HAPPIER THAT WE MOVED THE FUCK AWAY because seriously? No way in hell I would ever feel safe there again with this shit going down.

So the police are there now, my aunt's carpenter-builder friend is coming to do something about the door, and my aunts are coming back here when they're done with the police to get some stuff and are going to have to start sleeping there or something so somebody is there to watch over it I guess.

But the worst part of this, is that the house is attached to the one next door. Our old neighbour has two kids and is currently fostering a baby who isn't even a year old. Yet it's totally fun and okay for them to BURN THE FUCKING HOUSE DOWN.

Seriously I'm so fucked off right now I don't even know what to do.

AND THERE IS NOBODY ONLINE TO VENT TO/BITCH WITH which is not helping the need to let off steam.

asdguasdahshdajbsdad

Fuck.

Yay!

2009-10-24T23:24:00.002+01:00

Whoo! Down 1.5 for the week. Yeah, it's not a huge loss, but it's a step in the right direction right?

Hope you're all having a nice weekend. Today was a fabulous day in spite of the rain and the lunch with S. I'm in such a good mood =]

Going for dinner at my granny' house tomorrow. The upside is that she usually makes like 4 different veggies so I can get away with eating a ton of brussel sprouts and broccoli and like one slice of meat. So it shouldn't be too bad. She's stopped serving dessert since my aunts had surgery too which is a total bonus.

Totally going to enjoy the extra hour in bed thanks to the time change tonight too. I was so tired this morning I did not want to get out of bed, even though I went to bed at midnight last night and didn't set my alarm to go off until 10 this morning. I've been more ridiculously tired than usual this week though (hell last Sunday night I got less than 3 hours of sleep) so I think I definitely needed to catch up. When it went off this morning though my first reaction was "...REALLY!?" and I thought I'd set it for work time (6:30/7am) by mistake.

Ugh. Going to go find something to do, I'm bored out of my damn mind!

Love ya!

Vee

Update, Drama, Depression, and Plans

2009-10-22T10:51:00.005+01:00

Quick update.

I’m hoping to get back into the swing of my daily or more-than-five-times-a-day updates. My internet at home isn’t entirely sorted out but it seems to be working better on my desktop now than it has been on my laptop. This is what I get for getting a Dell, if it keeps it up I’m going to have to complain =/ Sigh.

Anyway. I haven’t been doing fabulous but I haven’t been doing shit either. I’ve been maintaining – which, let’s be honest, is not really good enough is it?

We’ve been having a notgreat time lately and I’ve been stress eating. Even while I recognize the fact that I’m doing it, it’s been hard to stop. Luckily, it hasn’t been to bingey proportions, so my weight is stable, even though I’m still pretty close to where I was when I came back from Canada. I’m going to TRY to just do a weekly weigh in to help calm my stress levels (we all know how those levels jump sky high once you see a higher number on the scale) and seeing weekly decreases might be more motivating than the ups-and-downs that occur from day to day. We’ll see.

So.. yeah. There’s been drama back in Canada, although not to the extent that it usually is. Drama here has been insane. My aunt went back to work a couple of weeks ago, following her surgery recovery time off. I’m sure I’ve written before about this, but for those who don’t know, my aunt suffers from very severe depression, and her psychologist thinks she’s bipolar as well. Because of the way the NHS works with mental illnesses over here though, means that because she was diagnosed and treated as Borderline Personality Disorder back when she was in her teens in Canada, the doctors here have latched onto that label and are basically turning a blind eye to anything else. So instead of being treated specifically for bipolar disorder, they’re still acting under the assumption she’s Borderline, which may not actually be the case.

She was going through a better period after her surgery, she was all around acting happier and seemed to be on the rise. However, after going back to work her mood has plummeted. There have been some major changes in the structure of the area she works in (she’s a manager in a unit that is home to adults with learning disabilities, and works for the NHS/City Council), and since she went back to work it’s been non-stop stress. Although she was told that they wanted her to go back to work on a phased return (which means starting work at only 4 hours or less per day and working back up to full time), they immediately threw her in and she’s been working an hour or so extra every day. In fact her first day back she got a text saying one of her staff members wanted to talk to her and she had to stay for half an hour to listen to this staff member bitch at her. Nice way to say welcome back no?

So she’s been going downhill and hasn’t been dealing great. Then about a week and a half ago, we found out my grandparents (her parents, obviously) were fighting. It was a huge exorbitant battle in which both parties were threatening to leave, and both parties were constantly calling my aunt to bitch about the other. And then the fight stopped being about what their actual issues were, and became about my aunt. My granny dragged my aunt into things and that just set her off worse. I haven’t seen my aunt cry in a LONG time, but my grandmother made her.

Then the icing on the cake was this past Sunday, when my great-aunt (the one who has uncurable blood cancer) held her little family get together. Both of my grandparents were there and acting as if nothing had happened. My aunt and I spoke to my grandfather and he said granny’s been acting absolutely fine with him again now and the whole thing had blown over. My grandmother is of the belief that she is the warm, happy centre of the universe. So, because she’d let it go, everyone else must as well and be happy happy happy again. My aunt, however, is pissed off at the way granny behaved with her and dragged her into their battles when she had more than enough of her own shit going on. But of course, my grandmother never ever thinks to apologise to somebody else, so there’s still tension there.

And of course it was fucking depressing being there on Sunday and seeing my great-aunt and how she’s gone downhill. I have no idea how long she’s got left, except that she’s still having blood transfusions and the doctors had said she should be gone within six months of them stopping. When they stop, I have no clue.

I’ve been depressed as well, but I’ve been hiding it well. For the first time since I moved here I’ve been questioning whether I made the right decision. My trip to Canada was fabulous and a lot more awesome than I was expecting it to be, and I didn’t want to come home yet. I wasn’t sure I wanted to come home at all. And now that I’m here, it’s just the same old crap day and day out. But I know that if I’d stayed in Canada, I’d be tearing my hair out after an extra week or two, and that living here IS for the best. It just strongly affected me hanging out with my best girlfriend and my best guyfriend and his family. I didn’t want it to end. But right now, I couldn’t live there, not when it means having to deal with all the bullshit and drama constantly going on with my immediate family. I just could not do it. I am, however, going to make a more conscious effort to go out there once a year to see everyone and keep my ties strong.

Life isn’t all bad. I complain about work a lot but I realize I should be thankful. They pay me decently and for the most part my job is easy. But there are times when it’s super busy or I get something really complicated and shitty that I have to sort out, that I hate it. But at least I’ve got a job and I don’t have to work in fast food for minimum wage, right?

I don’t know. I’m trying very hard to see the positive side of things right now, although I readily admit that I often fail at this. Deep down, I’m just not a very optimistic and positive person.

This quick update turned into quite a ramble hm?

Anyway. The plan for this week is as follows:

Eat as little as possible.

That’s it, haha.

Today I’m skipping lunch and having something not too calorific for dinner. Tomorrow no lunch again and we’re going to the cinema tomorrow night so I can probably get away with a small bag of popcorn and nothing else (the last time I had just a little popcorn to eat I dropped a pound and a half, but it was probably a fluke). Saturday I’m going out with S for lunch and a catch up. We’re supposed to be going to an Italian restaurant which probably means pasta, but I’ll go for something with seafood or veggies and not finish it. And then of course, nothing at night at home. Sunday I’m planning on doing as little as possible, just sleeping in and hanging out (I’ve been busy every weekend since I got back from Canada so it’ll be nice to have some downtime) and will keep the calories low. I’m not sure yet whether we’re supposed to be having a family dinner on Sunday, but since it’s the weekend before payday I’m assuming not. I’ve still got some 220-cal meals in the freezer, so it should all be good.

Whoo. Back to business babes.

I missed you!

Failure

2009-10-20T13:50:00.000+01:00

Internet Fail

2009-09-30T20:41:00.001+01:00

Just posting so you guys know I'm still alive!

I'm having MAJOR internet issues right now though. To the point where, our internet usually goes down COMPLETELY by 8pm each night. I'm getting so fed up! Agh.

But I am here and I will post when I can.. but for now I want to get this up before I lose my connection AGAIN =/

Monster Update

2009-09-21T13:32:00.001+01:00

Hey again everyone!

Sorry it’s taken me forever to post anything. I’ve been suffering majorly with my jet-lag (missed two extra days of work, boo!) and have now come down with a lovely little cold. My aunt was pretty sick at the same time I was in bed trying to recuperate and adjust to the time change (7 hour time difference =/) so I think she gave it to me. Either that or this is just my pussy immune system protesting against the sudden influx of cool, damp, gloomy weather after two solid weeks of hot sunshine.

First things first. My trip was awesome. I didn’t want to come back just yet, which is definitely saying something after the huge amount of trepidation I felt when the days were drawing closer and closer. The weather was amazing, a solid 25-31 degrees (Celsius of course) Every. Single. Day. It was not cloudy a single day or rainy or cold. At night it got a little cool but after the oppressive heat and sunshine glaring down all day, it was actually a nice reprieve.

My mother’s husband was no his best behaviour, and there was little to no drama at all while I was there, which I was very grateful for. Had I stayed another week or two, I think cracks would have appeared in the thin veneer he was wearing over his real face and personality, though.

I had two missions while I was there. One was to find a pair of cowboy boots to bring back with me. The other was to get a pair of nice black leather, block-heeled boots with rubber soles/traction, that I could use as winter boots over here. I used to have the perfect pair, bought back in my hometown circa… well, 5-7 years ago. And ever since I had to throw them away (when I first moved here, I was here for six months, then went back to Canada for 3 to pack the rest of my stuff and bring it over. I had to leave the boots there during the first stretch and while my family left them sitting in the entryway for six months, their cats peed on them and they reeked. I tried to wash and febreeze them, but no =[), I’ve been on the hunt for a decent replacement. England basically only sells three kinds of boots. Ugg style or generic flat ones, or skinny heels that should not be worn in winter in a city that is abundant with hills and which gets rain every other day, which then freezes in the winter. Sigh.

So, mission one was accomplished. My mom I guess told her husband that he was going to buy me some boots, and he appeared to have opted for the cowboy boots. So, my mom and I hit the mall, going to Lammles (western wear) and I found a nice black pair for around $130. Told my mother’s husband, and he started whining and complaining that we didn’t go to the Alberta Boot company, so when the weekend came he drove down there. I tried on a pair (he actually pointed them out and I liked them) and decided to get them. $300. All I can say is I’m glad I wasn’t buying because I doubt I’d have paid $300 for a pair of cowboy boots. They are super hot though. When I told D’s mom about it, she was like “oh god, why?” and I responded “I think he’s trying to suck up because he knows I don’t like him.” Even my mom knows, which she acknowledged at the airport after I had checked in and it was just she and I hanging around. My mom was like, well he’s not your father and you don’t like him but at least you only have to see him every once and a while and you don’t have to talk to him on the phone or anything when you’re not here, and you can let him buy you stuff when you’re here.

Lulz.

The other boots, however, were a total no-go. I hit at LEAST 20 different shoe stores (I am not even exaggerating) and couldn’t find anything. Lots of flats, tons of Ugg-style boots, and a billion spike-heels sans any traction. Sadface. In the end, D’s mom was dragging me to every shoe store and shoe outlet she knew of to try to find them, but it just didn’t happen. I found one pair that was suitable, but it was a final sale and they didn’t have my size. Fail!

Aside from that the trip was pretty generic. I mostly spent time with my two BFF’s, V and D, although separately. Highlights were:

· Meeting V’s friend for the first time (after V telling me how annoying she is) and then pointing out a trait that really bothered me – a trait V wasn’t aware of until I pointed it out. Then a couple days later getting a string of obscenity-laden text-messages telling me she couldn’t deal with this stupid person anymore and she was going crazy and wanted to kill herself and oh yeah, I just made it worse by pointing out another flaw.
· Staying up until 6 in the morning playing video games with V, and getting under 4 hours of sleep before having to head off for the lamest manicure from hell. A mutual friend from school bought V and I each a gift certificate to get a manicure and pedicure from a nail studio at the mall. So, we made time for that but told the people there that we wanted the mani but not the pedi (I think it’s a bit weird for strangers to be fooling around with my feet =/ ) so we got that done. It cost $19 to basically cut, file, and paint my nails pink. Yeah. Then I got to rush home to nap for two hours before I had to go over to D’s for the last time before I came back. Busy day!
· Toonie bowling with D, his brother and sister, and an old friend we both went to school with. We were struggling to come up with something to do and D’s sister H was on her phone looking for ideas. She came across a bowling alley that did Toonie Tuesday bowling (a Toonie, for those who don’t know, is the name of Canada’s $2 coin). So we went there, walked in, and found out you had to pay with Toonies. So for five of us we needed five Toonies instead of a ten dollar bill. Which we didn’t have. So we got to trek across the parking lot to Wal-Mart, where I picked up the cheapest thing I could find (a pack of gum for 87 cents) and proceeded to pay with a ten dollar bill and four quarters and asked for five toonies as my change. The cashier didn’t mind but I felt like a bit of a retard asking. I did explain the bowling situation though.
· Hanging out with V downtown and meeting up with a friend we went to high school with. Going for food (we shared 2 appetizers booya) and then trekking around Art Central looking at all the little stores. Wanting to buy everything at the vinyl toy store, and hanging out with one of the chicks who works there, who V had befriended before. Partaking in two kinds of wine there, including the most rancid red wine I’ve ever tasted (also the only red wine I’ve ever tasted) and the most amazing, sweet, and scrumptious white wine in the world! Then making our way to the First Annual block party, hosted by one of the big night clubs in my hometown. Downside is that they had to finish it off at 10pm due to the noise bylaws there, but it was still good times!
· Seeing my nephew!

My nephew is adorable, and he warmed up to me almost right away. At first he wasn’t too sure, when we went to pick him up from his mom, but by the time we got back to my mom’s house, he had fully accepted me, and plonked himself down in my lap to watch tv. My only regret is that I didn’t take enough pictures. I was planning to do a ton of photos the last day we had him, but his mom and my brother had a mediation dealy over custody and visitation on that day so I didn’t get to see him again before I left =[. So in total I had three 3-hour stints with him. Not enough!

It was really great reconnecting with D’s family, that was probably one of the best parts. I love V and she’s like family to me too, but I never lost touch or contact with her, we’re just the same as we always were, since I met her 8 years ago. But I grew up with D’s family, he’s been my best friend since we were like 6 years old, and his family is my family. Since I moved to the UK five years ago, I think I’ve only seen them once, so it was really really great seeing them again and reforming those bonds. Or at the very least, seeing those bonds again and realizing they never really wore away to begin with. His mom kept trying to talk me into moving back there, and I have to admit that part of me was tempted.

The whole time I was there was busy and fun and lively, and it was great. And it kind of made me feel that I’m wasting my life here in England. Over there, basically every day was full and I got to see some of the people I really love. Over here I have my aunts, my grandparents, and S… and that’s about it. But then I had to remind myself what it was like living with my immediate family, most notably my mother’s husband. And the fact that it’s almost impossible to get a job there. And having to contend with the winters! We’re talking up to NEGATIVE 50 degrees. But mostly, I had to remind myself that I was never really happy there. Going there now and being happy and enjoying myself is a direct result of finding myself, which only happened when I moved here. At times I still feel lost and confused and like I don’t know who I am, but I’ve come a far, far way from the person I was when I lived there full time, before I moved away. And that move is the best thing I’ve ever done in my life.

And of course, I could never up and leave and move away without my aunt. We’re a unit!

Holy Christ this is long. And I feel like I haven’t covered everything, but I’m not sure what else to say about the trip other than that it rocked. I’m going to make a more conscious effort to go back at least once a year for a three week visit. And maybe if I’m not going on any other trips (like Cancun this year), I’ll space it out and go twice? We’ll see!

As for food… the entire time I was there was basically a 16 day bingefest. When I came back, I was really jetlagged and barely ate and dropped at least a pound or two. My initial weigh in wasn’t accurate because although it was morning here, it was midnight back in Canada and I’d eaten a full day’s worth of food so my weight was all over. Still, only up 5lbs is a lot better than I was anticipating, even though it was only two weeks. This weekend was a baddish one… Friday we had fish and chips because we had my grandparents over so we could watch a football match together (my team won!). Saturday I had sushi out with S and then had a couple small things from a buffet at a wedding reception I had to go to, and a piece of (bad) wedding cake. And yesterday I had to go to my grandmother’s for a Sunday roast, and she piled on the veggies (though at least it was veggies and not fatty meats and pie or stuff).

Yet somehow, I’m still down around half a pound from Friday, so I can’t complain. I think maybe the two week binge kicked my metabolism in the teeth and got it raring up again, so now it’s still working hard to burn away what I am eating. Score! I better enjoy it while it lasts though because I doubt it’ll last long.

Anyway, this is really longwinded so I’m going to post it now and go get some work done. Let me know what you guys have all been up to while I’ve been away! I need to catch up on your blogs but it seems like so much so it might take a while to do. So drop me a comment to let me know how you’ve been and what you’ve been doing =]
Current weight, by the way: 209.8lbs. Still up from my start weight but there will be no more interruptions. I have three months to lose as much as I can for the beach. Countdown starts now!

Back!

2009-09-16T21:40:00.004+01:00

I'll write about Calgary when I get some more time, I'm still really jet-lagged right now...

As for weight... not as bad as I was expecting. As of today, I'm only up 5.8 since the day before I left, which is remarkable since every day was basically a binge day while I was away (my mom and my friends' families insisting on feeding me and taking me out for dinner and lunches constantly).

It was higher yesterday but I'm down 2 as of today, although I think part of it is food weight. Since I've been really jetlagged I've spent the past two days mostly in bed, and have only had a couple pieces of toast and a 220 cal frozen dinner each day. The best part is that since I've been in bed all day and dozing for most of it, I haven't even been hungry, which rocks out loud.

Back to work tomorrow, although I think I'm going to be a zombie. I slept from 1 until 8 this afternoon which means I'll probably be up all night again like I was last night. Sigh. Two working days until the weekend.

Sigh. I kind of miss it. I wasn't expecting to... I didn't last time I went there. =/

Point Six

2009-08-26T13:38:00.002+01:00

That's how much I'm down FINALLY, again. which makes it 5.6lbs lost to date, which isn't too bad I guess.

I'm absolutely fucking freezing. The air conditioning in this place is turned up high. And someone in the team across from me has decided to turn on the fluorescents over our banks of desks. So now, I also have a motherfucking headache.

My grandparents are coming over tonight to see me before I go away, and to give me some clothes to take over for my nephew. I’m tired, I can’t be bothered, and I *really* need to pack tonight.

Busy times.

Ramblings

2009-08-25T14:10:00.001+01:00

So. I’m not thinking that I’m going to reach the goal by Friday. After the weekend I’ve lost a total of 5lbs, and have managed to lose exactly nothing since yesterday. Even if I could miraculously lose a pound today and tomorrow, it still only brings my total loss to 7lbs, which is only 2/3 of the way there.

On the one hand, I’m pissed off with myself. I should have done what it took instead of giving in and going out with friends and family to eat, to places where there was basically nothing “safe” on the menu. That I should have done more exercise in spite of the fact that I am exhausted all the time already. That this? This is not good enough.

But on the other hand, at least I’ve made progress. 5lbs in two weeks is still more than is considered “normal” and at least it’s five whole pounds that were there two weeks ago that now are not.

Going to Canada is going to be hard. It’s going to be hard to restrict, or indeed just to keep myself from bingeing the entire time I’m there. But the way I’m trying to look at it is that those two weeks are a grace period. I’m not allowed to be a bingey monster, but I can’t expect myself to stick to a 300-calorie a day “diet” while I’m there either. But when I get back, this shit is getting kicked up into high gear, and I will do what it takes to achieve an acceptable level of weight loss before I’m bathing-suit-bound in December.

So, unrelated to that (or maybe related, in a roundabout way), I’ve been feeling horrible lately. Not really sick per se. I think I’m in the process of entering a depressed period right now, and if what I’m suspecting is true, then it could be either good or bad that I’m going away for a couple of weeks now.

I’ve been feeling really antisocial lately. I want to cancel all of my plans because I can’t be bothered, even though I DO want to see S and L every weekend. I go to work all day and when I get home I usually make something to eat while talking to my aunt and/or her partner, go up to my bedroom to eat, watch tv or blog for a while, then sometimes have a nap. Then I shower and go to bed. So exciting.

I feel guilty for being antisocial, for holing myself up in my room and having to force myself to make a conscious effort to hang out with my aunts. But then when I do, I don’t see the point either. I’ll go downstairs to talk to them and get shushed by my aunt because she’s trying to watch tv. Or she’ll be on her own computer or my granny’s borrowed laptop playing farming games on Facebook all night. Very little actual conversation happens anyway. So I retreat back to my room for some quiet solitude.

I’m tired ALL the time. Which I know you already know, but for the amount of time I spend in bed when I can, I should not be this tired. Right now I’m physically exhausted and am having a hard time not passing out at my desk. And when I get on my bus home, I always have to fight not to fall asleep. In spite of my insomnia waking me up a thousand times in the night, I still try to go to bed in time to have eight solid hours in bed (though not necessarily asleep), and yet I often find it necessary to nap for up to three hours after work, and even then I usually don’t want to get up.

The smallest things are irritating me and last night when my aunt was joking with me, it was just pissing me off instead.

I know everyone irritates everyone sometimes, that although my aunt is my best friend and I love her more than maybe anyone else in this world, she sometimes winds me up. But last night she cracked a joke and I just wanted to tell her to get out of my room, which isn’t like me.

So maybe I do need some time away, to regroup and just not be around her all the time I guess. To be in a different place around different people for a while maybe.

On the other hand, it could wind up being the worst thing I’ve ever done. Last time I went to Canada, I couldn’t wait to come home. I cried every night the first week I was there and just wanted to leave. And then even when my ex had come to join me and meet my family and see my hometown, my stepdad was still kicking off about every little fucking thing.

So yeah, I have mixed feelings. I just don’t want to feel like this. Like I’m withdrawing into myself, which is NOT what I want to be doing. I want to be me, not the antisocial zombie asleep upstairs at 4 in the afternoon. I need a good kick in head and to stop being such a whiney little douchebag.

I'd say good morning, but it's not

2009-08-24T10:23:00.000+01:00

Shit things are shit.

Yesterday wasn’t too bad, except that I had to go out for dinner with my aunts. I had planned on going for some fish or something but all they had in fish was some gross sounding fishcake or battered, deep-fried fish. Un-awesome. So I went for ravioli instead, didn’t eat the bread that came with it, and skipped the amazing looking desserts.

Unfortunately, my scale registered another half pound gain this morning, which means I’m only down 5lbs and I’ve only got 4 days left to lose. So, for the rest of the week I’m staying under 300 calories a day. Today will be a 220 calorie frozen meal, as will tomorrow. Wednesday will be 250, and I’m going to try to get away with fasting on Thursday but knowing my luck my aunts will make a “family meal” because I’m going away the next day. We shall see!

Wish me luck, I’ll need it.

The Fat Song

2009-08-23T23:00:00.003+01:00

I love IllWillPress.com and the Foamy The Squirrel videos <3 I've spent the past couple of days going back and watching all of them, and some of the lyrics to this song are actually kind of great, and it's also funny so I wanted to share.

"So it's time to take the twinkie out of your lips
It's gone to your thighs and straight to your hips
Stop eating now, before it's too late
Just have a salad and a couple of grapes."

Not too bad!

2009-08-23T11:11:00.003+01:00

This morning: 204.4 (should probably note that my scale seems only to deal in even tenths and not odd, so technically it COULD be 204.3 or 204.5 but whatever). So I've only gained half a pound since yesterday, which is EASILY lost again =] so I'm not concerned.

Thanks to those of you that commented yesterday, I appreciate it. And I'm feeling much better and more positive than I was when I wrote my last entry.

I'll write more later, I've got to head out to the shop. Have a good one! =]

A Little Bit Basket-Case

2009-08-23T00:17:00.003+01:00

I tend to get myself upset and/or worked up over absolutely nothing. That happened tonight.

I went onto facebook, and saw that my sister had tagged me in some new photos of my nephew. Whenever she or my brother upload photos of him, they tag me in them to make sure I see them. So I was going through the pictures and thinking, wow, I'm finally going to be able to see him in less than a week!

And then it kind of hit me that... he'll be 2 years old in November and I've never seen or spoken to him, I've never been able to play with him or hug him or kiss him and tell him that I love him.

And BOY OH BOY did the waterworks turn themselves on. I'm still a little teary now, but not as bad.

I just felt so shitty that, this kid is nearly two and I missed all of the baby and early-toddler stages. I missed the teething and the first smiles and the learning to walk and the first words. I missed so much, and it's really upset me. I feel like I should have made more of an effort and gone to see him sooner. I feel guilty for not being there. For being the absentee auntie.

The thing is, he was born about a month after The Big Breakup and I was a complete trainwreck of a mess for months afterward, so I couldn't really have gone if I'd wanted to. And I couldn't afford it or get time off work until now. But the guilt is still there, in the pit of my stomach, at the back of my throat like acid.

My aunt is probably the best friend I have ever had and ever will have. Our bond is stronger than most people are with their parents. But, I grew up sharing a house with her for several years and saw her pretty frequently growing up until I was about 12, when she moved back to England. I always wanted to be THAT aunt. To be the fun, cool aunt that my neices or nephews could have fun with and joke around with, who would take care of them and be there for them and listen if they wanted to talk, to be the person they felt they *could* talk to. Like my aunt is to me.

But I'm not there. I'll get to see him a handfull of times in the next few weeks, but then I come back to England and it'll be a full year before I can see him again. And I'll just have missed MORE.

So yeah, tonight has randomly been hard. But I want to thank pokerface for being there and listening as I stressed out and for being the voice of reason that helped to calm me down somewhat and see a little more clearly, to realize that the chance to be that person has not passed. I've said it before, but this guy is great and you should all go read his blog.

Hopefully we'll be back to your completely random, rambley, nonsensical, un-seriousness tomorrow. Until then, have a nice night. And give a hug to the people you love because, even though they drive you crazy, they love you, and you shouldn't take that for granted.

6 down, 3 to go

2009-08-22T21:32:00.002+01:00

I Started writing this post this morning as I was getting ready to go out, but of course my laptop decided to restart about half a sentence in, to install updates. Fuck you, Vista. Fuck. YOU.

So yesterday's random huge post-fast gain was indeed a fluke, as when I weighed myself this morning the scales showed 203.8, which means as of this morning I've managed to lose exactly 6lbs since last Friday, in six days. I've got until this coming Friday (August 28th) to lose another 4, which I think is achievable if I keep it up.

In the end the two small "treats" at work was all I ate yesterday so that probably helped a little bit.

Today, after getting my hair done (I love it, it's not super different but she cut off like 4 inches and really shortened my layers and chopped it much shorter and layered around the front, and blonderized me again), I met up with S and L and we went for lunch, as planned. Instead of sushi, though, we went to a Japanese noodle bar restaurant (that S and I have gone to before), since L can't stand sushi. He's a plain-fried-rice-with-chicken kind of guy and refuses to touch sushi at all.

Food consisted of a shared order of duck gyoza (dumplings), rice with breaded chicken and some manner of Oriental curry Sauce, and a couple scoops of coconut ice cream. All in all, I don't think it was *too* bad, and it probably helps that it's all I'm having to eat today. Still, I'll probably back up a little bit tomorrow. But, anything quickly gained can be lost quickly, too. That's how I try to think of it anyway.

Anyway, how is your weekend going? Drop me a comment and let me know what you've been up to if you want =] I'll probably post a photo of The New Hair when I get a chance, I really love it, even though I've been trying to grow it and now BOOM half my hair on the shop foor. Oh well. <3

It's just after 9:30 at night here and I'm totally restless. I don't know what to do with myself. I'm craving ice cream or something sweet but luckily we don't have anything sweet in the house. And the truth is, although I'm craving it I'm not actually in the mood to eat it, even though I realize that's a total contradiction.

Haha random interruption. My cat just walked into my bedroom, looked at me and went "Meow-ow-ow." So cute. She's so vocal and random and always talks to me. In this case, she was announcing her presence and demanding that I Scratch her neck, haha.

Anyway. I just really don't think I could even be bothered by the preparation of food at this point, even if I hadn't had the big lunch today.

I'm going to go try to find something to do, which is probably nothing aside from read and channel surf. Fun!

Oh yeah I just remembered, I got a book to read on the plane: Battle Royale (yep, the book the movie was based on! If you don't know what I'm talking about, Google it, it's awesome and violent and was apparently banned in Japan for being so controversial and political when it first came out) So I can't wait to start reading it!

That's more like it!

2009-08-21T21:43:00.002+01:00

I've been super good tonight. I was tempted at one point but I trudged ahead and had nothing, so the two nibbles at work is all I ate today at all!

And my aunt wasn't on food nazi mode tonight. Instead they were on "bitch about me behind my back when they think I can't hear them" mode. Yeah. It pisses me off because the shit they were bitching about was wrong too.

I heard my aunt downstairs say "whose dishes are those?" and I remembered that my two plates from last night I put in the sink in the water with some of their dishes, went upstairs to do something, and forgot to go back downstairs to wash them. So yeah, that was my bad. Excepy, J turns about and says "They're ALL Vee's from last night." which is bullshit. Bull. Shit. Then I hear my aunt claim that she did dishes already last night and today and why is there my stuff just sitting in the sink. Then I hear them bitching that if "people" are going to eat upstairs the dishes must come down right after, and not be left in there.

Fine. BUT I DID NOT LEAVE MY SHIT UPSTAIRS and it's completely bullshit that my aunt claims to have done dishes today when the large plate and small plate I put in the sink LAST NIGHT are there now?

Then she started bitching because she "wouldn't mind if there was something of HERS there but why should she do it when it's not hers?" and I was thinking dude, what the fuck. I do her dishes all the fucking time. The other night when I decided to have pasta for dinner and The Migraine started, I had to come in, wash dishes and put them away, and even throw out rotting banana skins on the counter next to the stove. So why the fuck is it okay one way but not another?

I'm getting so sick of the god damn double standards here. When I get back from my holidays and pay them off I need to start saving to get the fuck out.

So that all left me feeling pissed off. I was up in my room laying down because I was still in agony and felt sick, and I didn't want to go downstairs to call them on their BS because I don't like confrontation. But I wanted to cry. And it's not the first time (I've mentioned in here before how they both were talking about having to cook group meals, and at the time they were bitching about other stuff, and how they were allocating me certain days in which I can do my laundry instead of hey, I can do it when I need to et al.)

But I'm trying to be positive. I just went for a shower and before I got in I weighed myself, and it read an even 204lbs. Which is MUCH more like the 206 that was on there this morning what the hell.

Of course it probably helps that I've had maybe 200 calories today. But, that's good becase hopefully I'll be down at least a little bit more before I have to go for sushi tomorrow. =]

Oh GOD Make it stop

2009-08-21T13:23:00.002+01:00

Seriously, my abdomen/general stomach area hurts so much right now. What is going on? I feel like my insides are trying to explode out.

Also, to address a comment from Pi (HI by the way =]), I don't *think* it's PMS related. Although I never know anymore.

Too much info warning =]

See, I don't get periods. It's not ED-related or anything, it's just because of the birth control pill I'm on (I mean, as of today I haven't had sex in NINETEEN MONTHS, I shit you not, but I still take the pill a: just in case and b: no periods!). But, I think I still get the bloating and the random water weight gain and the hormonal emotional basketcaseism.

The thing is, because I haven't had a period since October 2006 (and I use the term period in that instance VERY loosely), I have no idea when my usual cycle would be. Over the past three years I've completely lost track, even though my cycle used to be exactly 4 weeks, like clockwork. So, emotional craziness and bloating and weight gain is entirely random, and I never quite know if it's due to my cycle or just because I'm a psycho.

This pain isn't cramps though. Honestly, and this is gross, but I think it's mostly down to constipation and severe wind all up in there and grumbling around. I wish I could just poke myself with a pin and deflate (and then be skinny and gorgeous forever, Amen).

I'm rambling as usual =]

Bleh, I feel like shit. It's abating VERY slightly right now but about an hour or so ago it felt like I was dying. Like that scene from Alien when the thing RIPS out of the dude's stomach. That's me, only about ten minutes earlier.

Food wise it's gone okay. I'm being strong strong strong! One of the temps in my team is leaving on Monday to go work in our call centre in a permanent position, and since it's her last day she brought in some nibbles (read: sweet things) and all I had was a mini-muffin and some manner of tiny cake thing. Total couldn't be more than 200 calories, if that. Yay!

It helps that my bloatey horribleness is making me wary of consuming anything at all for fear of making it worse. AND, if it keeps up (or, to be fair, even if it doesn't) I have an excuse to shower, straighten my hair, and go to bed without having to eat anything when I get home, even if my aunt is in foodnazi mode =]

Seven days til I go to Canada too, I'm starting to get excited now ^-^

That Bloated Feeling

2009-08-21T10:50:00.002+01:00

Bleh. Today, I'm in a pretty good mood, but unfortunately I feel physically shit.

Last night was not a failure but not a success. After work I had to meet my aunts at the old house because some people were coming to look around and we had a few last minute things to do (like get rid of huge spiders in the bathtub. *cringe* Needless to say, I didn't do that job at ALL). Afterward they decided they were going to try some Indian food, and we went straight to the place on the way home from the house. By this point it was after 7 and I couldn't talk my way out. So I got some garlic naan bread and had it with a little korma sauce, but skipped the rice and didn't eat the chicken. I wound up throwing most of it away, actually, so I counted it as a demi-success (I fucking love that stuff and usually tend to binge until I feel physically ill and can't move).

But, this morning I feel ridiculously bloated, very constipated (sorry for the too-much-info there) and just all around crap. My abdomen feels inflated and sore and I just want to curl up in bed and sleep it off. Instead, I get to sick at work for another 5 hours. Fail!

But like I said, it could be worse. The only reason I feel crappy is because of that. I feel kind of ill with it as well, which sucks but whatever.

Also, the scale today registered a GAIN of 1.8lbs. However, due to the insane bloating and the fact that I did not overdo it yesterday makes me think that this is not an accurate representation of how much I weigh, so I'm going to weigh in properly tomorrow morning.

Today I'm going to be very good. Nothing at work, and then as little as I can get away with at home. Luckily tonight is another "I need to lock myself in my room for a couple hours to do my hair" night (I can't wash my hair EVERY day or it gets horribly dry, and also I can't be bothered straightening for an hour EVERY SINGLE DAY OH MY GOD ARE YOU INSANE!) so I might be able to get away with it.

Tomorrow I'm going to get my hair cut and my highlights redone as they've grown out quite a bit. I should have gone about 2-3 weeks ago but I want it fresh for when I go away =]

Hope you're all having a good day!

Stay strong,
Vee xox

Sidebar Update

2009-08-20T15:44:00.001+01:00

I've added a nifty Cast of Characters, to keep everyone straight. Probably more helpful to new followers of my blog, since I explained in older posts who everyone is when I mentioned them already. Also, because there are a couple people with the same letter pseudonym (three M's!) I might have gotten a couple backwards before, but this is the order they will all be in from now on. I think S2 used to just be S but since the "new" S is one of my BFFs and I talk about her more, she got to take it over. ^.^

42 Hours

2009-08-20T12:55:00.002+01:00

That's how long my fast lasted in total. I had to break at lunch because I was feeling really horrible and couldn't concentrate on what I was doing at all. I got the lasagne from the canteen, but there was barely any cheese so it was mostly just some overcooked pasta with meat and some tomato sauce, so I don't think it was near as bad as it could have been, and the portion wasn't big either. Still, I'm going to err on the side of overestimation so I'm going to say maybe it was 400 cals.

Hopefully I'll be able to get away with just having that today, but my aunts are unpredictable. Sometimes they don't notice or say a thing about how I'm eating, other times my aunt practically interrogates me and demands to know EXACTLY what I'd eaten. So, if she does, to get her off my back I might make some rice, have a couple bites for show, and throw the rest away or something. I'm racking my brain trying to think of what I have at home that's low cal enough to keep me under 500 for the day, but I'm struggling.

I have some cans of tuna (no idea), some ramen noodles (400cals per pack), some Weight Watcher's brand frozen meals (ranging in calories from 250 to about 400, not good enough).. Oh! I have some low-calorie cans of soup I think, so I COULD have half a can of soup, and it should be between 100 and 150 cals? Ideally I'll be able to get away with a 10-calorie soup and nothing else, but my aunt's wise to the fact that they're super low-cal and will likely hassle me to have something else with it. Unless I go upstairs with a box of ritz crackers and tell her I'm having them with it. Or take the crackers upstairs with a jar of peanut butter and throw them both out after claiming they're empty?

Hmm. I dunno, I'll see when I get home and can test the waters. It might just be a case of, she's not in interrogation mode, so I might be able to get away with it.

Also, I have to say that, after being completely empty for over 40 hours, I'm not liking the feeling of having so much food in my stomach at all.

Hah, I just had to wander off for ten minutes because I saw LW coming back from lunch and didn't want to be collared for another hour of being-talked-at, and now I forgot what I was going to write about. So I'll leave it there.

And good luck to everyone who is getting their results today!

xx

Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck

2009-08-20T09:07:00.000+01:00

I am such a god damn idiot.

I just went to the drinks machine like a good little girl to get two cups of cold water and one of hot water with which to make coffee.

When I went to pick them up, I KNOCKED OVER THE HOT WATER AND SPILLED IT ALL THE FUCK OVER MYSELF.

Fuck my life.

My left wrist hurts and is slightly burny-feeling so I probably scalded it a bit and the edge of my hoodie sleeve cuff thing is damp and has gone all cold. I also managed to spill down my left thigh, luckily NOT the general crotch area! - and then further down near my ankle. The ankle-spill didn't touch skin so no biggie, but the thigh-spill is uncomfortable although I did manage to soak most of the water out of my trousers with some conveniently-supplied paper towels.

Fucksakes. Even water is my god damn enemy.

Shit yes!

2009-08-20T08:49:00.002+01:00

Before I went to bed last night I weighed myself again (I'm not obsessive AT ALL) and it was up to 206. BUT this morning when I woke up it was back down to 204.8 exactly, so I'm down 3lbs since yesterday!

I think it's safe to say that my little fast definitely did its job!

It's nearly 9am and I haven't eaten anything aside from water, Pepsi Max, and black coffee (with zero-cal sweeteners) since 6pm on Tuesday. And it feels great.

I am exhausted, and the hunger really set in about midnight last night when I was trying to get to sleep (and it took FOREVER to get to sleep because it was so effing hot as well) but today my stomach is not registering any hunger at all. I'm craving a couple different things, but I'm not actually physically hungry. Which is as bewildering as it is annoying. I mean, I'm kind of glad because ifI'm not hungry I have no valid REASON to eat, but on the other hand I LIKE the feeling of hunger, of my stomach rumbling and digesting itself.

Anyway, I'm going to see how today goes, I'm feeling a little lightheaded already (I'm such a lightweight, I know) so I may need *something* to keep myself going until I get home tonight around 5:30.

Have a great one!!

Vee xox

Dude, For Serious??

2009-08-19T21:38:00.002+01:00

Before I had a shower tonight, I hopped on the scale again. And it said 204.8.

Yeah, this morning it said 207.8 - so already tonight it's showing a loss of 3lbs??

I sure hope this sticks!

24 Hours

2009-08-19T17:57:00.002+01:00

As of right now it's been 24 hours since I last ate. I'm going to keep going until tomorrow, unsure whether I'll go until noon or 6pm, but we'll see. I'm aiming for 6 so it'll be a full 48 hours, though.

Yay! =]

Update: according to my scale I've lost 0.4lbs so far today, and I'm usually a couple pounds higher at night than I am when I weigh in the next morning. So excited!

Comments!

2009-08-19T15:49:00.003+01:00

Okay, I THINK I've managed to reply to all of my comments, and as usual they're replies in my own comments instead of spamming up your comment sections (except you, pokerface, but you've already seen my reply so whatever! Incidentally, you guys need to go read his blog if you haven't already. This guy rocks out loud, he's adorable and his blog is written in such a way that you just want to KEEP READING.)

Anyway that's just my heads-up so you know to look for comments. If you would PREFER that I reply to your comments on your own blog, let me know and I'll oblige though!

Heck Yes

2009-08-19T14:25:00.002+01:00

My blog post titles are random and meaningless. I need to be more creative.

But anyway. My positive-day continues. So far so good with the fast. It's now 2:30 in the afternoon and nothing but a cup of black coffee has passed through my lips. Which means that, yet again, I'm doing a shit job of keeping hydrated. I must remind myself to bring my water bottle to work again tomorrow. It was easier when I had a bottle of water to drink on my desk instead of having to get up to get a cup of water from the machine when I wanted one, since most of the time I don't even realize that I'm not drinking or that I should be thirsty. But if my water bottle is there, I see it and it reminds me to take a sip.

It's 2:30 and I've finished all my work for the day, plus an extra one because I'm awesome, so I've got an hour and a half to kill. It amazes me that I'm the most productive member of my team, when I blatantly slack half the day. I really don't get it. How do I put out more work faster than everyone else? Are they really THAT shit at their job? Can they really slack off THAT much more than I do? And if they are, how in the hell are they still here?? I do not get it at all.

I was going to write about something else too but I can't remember what it was, so I'm going to go get a drink instead and hope I remember.

Oh yeah... about an hour ago I went to the bathroom and saw this really huge Asian (Chinese/Korean/Vietnamese/Something) girl wearing a miniskirt. WHY do huge people wear short skirts? I mean she was easily half again my size, and I'M not exactly skinny. I wouldn't wear a knee-length skirt to work (or a skirt at all anywhere unless I had to), nevermind a miniskirt. They should not make small clothing in huge sizes. It is just wrong =/

New Poll Up!

2009-08-19T12:11:00.002+01:00

Yep, that was fast! I thought of a new poll topic faster than I was expecting lol.

So this week's poll is: How do you measure your weight loss?

This is a multiple-answer one, so choose as many as you want to, and as always, feel free to elaborate in the comments if you want! Especially if you choose "other" because I'm curious =]

I personally go more for weight (as in the number on the scales) and clothing sizes going down. I need to do measurements too but I can't find my tape measure - and I NEVER see my weight loss in the mirror so that's almost completely pointless. Although I will admit that when I got down to 170 after The Breakup, I could kind of see it and that was nice.

How about you?

Poll Results!

2009-08-19T12:07:00.002+01:00

It's about time I get around to posting the results of last week's poll!

The question was: what's an acceptable level of calorie restriction for you?

The results are in:

Total votes: 32 - holy shit, 32? I can't believe that many people actually come here, even though I currently have 78 followers. That number is simply staggering!

400-500: 21% (7 votes)
500-600: 18% (6 votes)
1000-1200: 15% (5 votes)
Under 400: 15% (5 votes)
600-800: 12% (4 votes)
800-1000: 9% (3 votes)
Above 1200: 6% (2 votes)

Wow, we got a decent number of votes under each category. It's interesting to see that so many people have such a different approach to restricting, isn't it?

Anyway, good luck to you all and keep up the great work! I'll have a new poll up for you soon!

Fasting: The Halfway Point

2009-08-19T12:00:00.002+01:00

It's exactly noon here in sunny old England, and so far so good. I just went to get a cup of black coffee with some sweeteners in it for my "lunch". I love coffee, but only if it's super sweet - back in my teens I used to have fresh brewed coffee with like six spoons of sugar in it. No wonder I got so fucking fat, right?

But it's all going well so far. Yesterday when I ate it couldn't have been later than 6, so as of right now I've gone 18 hours without any food. My fast is stretching through today and I'll probably have something for lunch tomorrow, so in total it will be another 24 hours from now. So in total my fast will have lasted 42 hours. Which is kind of making me want to push it until 6pm tomorrow night and just make it a nice, round 48.

I might just do that. I've been trying to justify getting lasagne from work's canteen tomorrow (Canteen food is pretty shit but their lasagne is actually really nice) but I really shouldn't. Especially as it's not a guarantee that I'll be able to get away with eating nothing tomorrow night. So, we'll see, I'll probably push the fast to tomorrow night at 6 and then just have a 300 calorie frozen meal when I get home from work and let that be it for the day.

Hooray for success and determination and motivation!

Motivated!

2009-08-19T11:03:00.002+01:00

Today is a good day.

I woke up having lost the extra weight I've put on over the weekend/early this week/whenever, so my total loss since last Friday is back to 1.5lbs. Which is by no means exorbitant, but it will do. I worked an extra hour and a quarter at the beginning of the week so I decided to come in late today to use the extra time (now, since work has changed the way our "work-time" works, we can't work extra hours and take a day off, and if we've worked any extra at the end of the month, it's lost, it doesn't get paid as overtime and we can't use it to come in late the next month so all gains and deficits need to be evened out as soon as we can, basically). So I got to stay in bed until 8 (although I was awoken by the sunshine streaming into my room just ater 4) and for some reason, although I still didn't sleep fabulously last night, I feel... motivated and less zombie-like than usual.

Maybe it's a starvation high finally hitting? I mean I know I ate last night but I purged most of it, so it's possible. But I just feel so much more positive today. Plus, I'm zooming through my work. I've already done half a day's worth and I've only been in the office for just over an hour ;) It's 11:05 right now and I'm here til 4, and if I can finish all of my work for the day before say, 1, I can close them slowly throughout the afternoon and spend the afternoon on the internet and reading blogs instead and just take it easy.

I love days like this!

The fasting is going well too. I mean, it's only 11, and I've got that "I'm so hungry!" shaky feeling going on (entirely different from yesterday's "ohmygodi'mgoingothaveapanicattack" shakiness) which is kind of nice because it lets me KNOW my body is doing what I want it to do! I'm not even tempted to have anything to eat or whatever right now. Again, the downside is that I'm not hydrating - I only just realized I haven't had anything to drink in 12 hours =/ - so I need to go get some water.

And like I said before, my aunts will be out until at least 8ish tonight, so I can get away with having nothing at home =]

Such a good mood day. It's totally random but I'm liking it.

Anyway, off to finish the rest of these letters that need to be done. Hope you're all having a fabulous day too!

Vee xox

Confession (graphicness warning!)

2009-08-18T21:52:00.003+01:00

Tonight was kind of bad. Not as bad as it could have been but just bad.

I was really down this evening, still. And for some reason I decided to make it worse and have a handful of Doritos instead of soup or anything. Only a handful turned into more than I should have eaten. So then I Started freaking out and felt really sick and dizzy and went and purged as much as I could. Only, because I'd barey had anything to drink all day, the stuff at the bottom was all dry and horrible and thick and SCRAPED up my throat and I thought I was going to choke to death on it. And then afterward I just felt really sick and dizzy and headachey and horrible and had a lot to drink and went to bed and just passed out for like 2 or 3 hours.

Everytime I purge (whether I make myself do it or it happens "on its own" so to speak) I always feel terrible. All night I've felt really sick like I've got a ridiculous cold and just all around yickiness. I think I have a fever since I'm super hot, which is not like me - I am ALWAYS cold. But this just backs up the fact that I could never, ever give over to Mia and live my life with her. To me, it's not worth feeling like this.

Anyway, tomorrow will be my scheduled fast day as my aunts won't be home until around 8 (maybe later) tomorrow so I can definitely get away without having anything at all. And I am damn well going to stick to it.

It totally helps that the idea of eating anything right now turns my stomach =P

Night folks, hope you've had a good one!

15:07 and all is well

2009-08-18T15:08:00.003+01:00

Sorry for the random, pointless updates. I'm feeling the need to blog to keep my head straight. The day is going well but I'm still feeling weird and shakey and... all those other words I used before to try to explain it. So I'm blogging. Because yeah, that makes total sense.

Current Calorie Count: 25 - added 15 cals for a spoon of Options hot chocolate in some hot water, for a hot chocolate to warm me up.

Now I'm just crossing my fingers that my aunt won't say anything when I just have a 10-cal soup for dinner. Maybe I'll tell her there was lasagne in the canteen and I had that for lunch so not really hungry when I get home. Sounds like a plan, batman.

13:25 and all is well

2009-08-18T13:25:00.001+01:00

Yep, it's nearly 1:30 in the afternoon and so far, so good.

The good side:
--only 10 calories consumed so far, and in liquid form.

The bad side:
--those 10 calories of liquid is also the only thing I've had to drink today. Must hydrate!

Best Thing Ever

2009-08-18T11:58:00.002+01:00

(With regard to my previous post about being antisocial I finally plucked up the motivation to write back to my best-friend-since-we-were-6, D, who would be the perfect gay best friend if he were into fashion, beauty, or shopping AT ALL, but as it is he's one of only two or three people who understand my completely jaded, misanthropic, antisocial view of the world, so he'll do.)

Anwyay, I just got an email back from D, and the closing line was "On that note I should go to bed because it is 4:30. Crap, it's 4:30. You are a tremendous distraction."

What does it say about me that that last line is probably one of the best compliments I've received in ages?

Bleh

2009-08-18T11:34:00.003+01:00

I'm a bit all over the place right now, which is why I haven't commented back to most comments yet, and for that I apologise. I will get around to it tonight, I promise. I always feel like such a flake when I don't reply back right away. Which is another reason why I'm going to stick to replying to comments within my/your comments instead of doing comment posts... because I tend to post more than once a day and don't comment back every day (like I should) it gets a little mixed up and convoluted... So, comments will remain in-comments.

I will reply to every one (eventually) so if I haven't commented on your blog, it'll be in my own comments <3

Anyway, as to my "all over the place". It's so weird, but I feel like I'm constantly on the verge of a panic attack and a manic episode at the same time. I don't know how to explain it, but it feels like I'm ready to burst out of myself, like my inside is thrumming and giddy and trembling with anticipation. Anticipation for what, I have no idea, since nearly everything is shit-tastic right now.

I feel excited and ridiculously depressed at the same time. And I realize that makes no sense but I don't know how else to explain it. I feel like I'm going to burst out into a hysterical giggling fit at any given moment, yet at the same time I still feel like I'm on the verge of a panic attack. I feel like I'm going crazy.

How is it possible to be pissed off and depressed, and yet still be in a quazi-good mood? Once again, my own physiology confuses me. I bet I'd be a prize subject for science to study.

Bleh, I don't even know where I'm going with this.

I just feel like there's so much in my life that is a mess and that I need to work on and improve, but I don't know where to start and I'm not even sure I have the motivation to do it. Take, for example, my impending trip back over the Atlantic.

On the one hand, I'm looking forward to visiting Canada. Mostly, I'm looking forward to shopping at Sephora and getting some REAL cowboy boots (which, by my research, will cost between $150-200, by the way), and seeing a couple of friends and my mom and brother and sister and nephew. I'm looking forward to having some time off work.

But I'm not looking forward to seeing friends at the same time. Because I'm huge. The last time I went to Canada was just over three years ago, and I was about 10lbs lighter than I am now. The past couple of months my weight has exploded and I'm struggling to get it back under control. My two-week personal challenge started off great, dropping 1.4lbs in the first 24 hours. But then on the weekend, I didn't lose at all, and last night I managed to GAIN half a pound back, due to snacking on ritz crackers and peanut butter.

I fail. At everything.

Because the worst part is that I'm looking forward to Canadian food, like poutine and my mom's beef dip. I know I'm going to have to restrict and be very careful if I want to NOT gain anything while I'm there, but it's going to be so hard not to binge. Luckily I'm bringing my laptop with me and will be able to check in every day, and having to post stats here will be more likely to keep me under control.

That, and the fact that money I don't spend on eating out can be spent on that MUFE HD Foundation I want so badly instead, and a new pair of leather, four-inch block-heeled rubber(ish?) soled boots!

Which brings me to an aside, in that a lot of England's footwear sucks. Don't get me wrong, Schuh sells some amazing stilettos and hooker-heels and skater-shoes and Rocket Dog flats. But boots. I love me some heeled leather boots. When I lived in Canada I had a nice pair that had a block-heel with rubber soles that had a decent level of gripping in there, and were perfect for trudging through the snow and stopping my clumsy ass from breaking my face on the ice all over the place in the winter. But when I finally had to get rid of them, I was never able to find a decent substitute. The only decent pair of boots I have right now are some leather Hush Puppies with a heel, but they are in no way suitable for wear during winter and in ice.

So anyway. I need to not eat so that I can instead shop. Which is true for my day-to-day life also, to be fair.

Also, I'm in a kind of antisocial period right now. I don't know why but I've been slacking on my email and IM correspondence with friends back home, and little things are really getting under my skin. I can only assume it's because I'm depressed at my physical situation, and the fact that I have NO MONEY WHATSOEVER now that I've paid my trip to Cancun on my credit card. Oh GOD, I really, really, need to lose all this lard before I go to Mexico..

It's weird, after writing all of this I feel a little bit more placcid. I still feel that shakiness inside but it's not AS bad. I feel more like... I CAN get control of myself.

Which brings me to today's plan.

Two 10-calorie soups.

That is it. It's 11:45 in the morning right now, and around 1 I think I'll go get some hot water for the first one. Second one when I get home.

And. AND. Tomorrow I am planning a fast-day =] My aunts will be at their "Fat Club" when I get home, and shouldn't be home until around 8, at which point I can hop in the shower and spend the rest of the night taming my wild tresses and go straight to bed. I haven't done a fast day in SO long, so tomorrow will be it!

Fingers crossed these two days will get my weight-loss jumpstarted again.

Also, I really need to start working out. I've been so lazy lately, but I still haven't been sleeping so it's been hard to find any energy reserves at all to do anything.

Thanks for listening darlings. I love you all!

<3

Untitled

2009-08-18T11:11:00.001+01:00

I need to sort my life out.

More Weekend Plans

2009-08-17T10:55:00.002+01:00

Sigh. This 10lbs in 14 days challenge is going to be hard. I didn't see S this weekend but we're meeting up this coming Saturday to hang out one last time before I'm Canada-Bound for two weeks. And, of course, this means going out to eat. Why must we always eat? I guess in this case it's so we have something to do... I mean, I have no money to shop, I'm saving shopping for Canada, and I already told her I can't afford to go out clubbing (either the money or the excess calories because all of my favourite drinks are ridiculously non-ED-friendly) so we cancelled that part.

So, we're going for sushi. And oh god, do I love sushi. I just have to remind myself not to overdo it. 500 cals, 500 cals, 500 cals! I might restrict further than 500 this week just so if I slip up a little on Saturday I've already covered myself.

Right now, I'm craving bananas =/ And celery dipped in peanut butter.

Still, it's 11 and I haven't eaten anything yet. I dunno what I want to do for lunch. Go get some fresh crisp lettuce and maybe make a little salad, or get some wafer-thin chicken (9 cals per slice!) and roll them up with the lettuce? I'm not in the mood for my 10-calorie soup, which sounds bad but is the truth. I don't know if I can be bothered to go up to Tesco though. And it's probably best I don't as I've been known to lose myself in there and buy a ton of snack foods like croissants and fridge raiders (cold chicken bites) and stuff, and I can't afford to do that right now. So I'll probably just settle in for a plain baked potato from the canteen instead.

I'd buy a banana from the canteen but they're expensive and always super brown and yucky.

The Weekend of Suck

2009-08-17T08:44:00.003+01:00

This weekend was made of fail. Mostly because it was made of migraines.

It started off okay - woke up Saturday morning 1.4lbs lighter than I had on Friday! Score! Went to the mall and a craft shop to pick up some things I needed, and managed to get my hands on two new Dean Koontz books. Double-Score!

But halfway through our trek through the mall, my head started pounding ominously. And it only got worse. I drank two bottles of fruit juice hoping it was dehydration or something, but no dice. So I got a small bag of crisps and had most of them, hoping the salty goodness would stave off the migraine if it was due to lack of food. Again, no dice.

By the time we got home I was nearly in tears. I had a little pasta to eat, still praying that carbs would do the job (although I ate pasta, I didn't go over much for the day, my total was around 600 with the crisps so it's not TOO bad). But I couldn't even finish eating because the headache was making me feel ridiculously sick - and my migraine pills weren't doing anything. So I lie in bed trying not to be sick - and all the while thinking how great it would be if my migraine DID make me sick, because no calories and technically it wasn't making myself sick - and took some more painkillers. By 9 at night the migraine had centred over... well, the entire right half of my head. But it wasn't as bad as it had been, so I went down to talk to my aunts for a while. But, it reared right back up as soon as I got out of bed, so I soon wandered back and stayed there for the night.

Around 6 yesterday morning, I woke up and my head was killing me still/again. I got up and took some more migraine pills, but immediately started feeling sick and had to take out my retainer so I could sit in the bathroom for 15 minutes and wait for the sick feeling to pass. It didn't, but I wound up getting a wash cloth and soaking it in very cold water, before going back to bed. In the end, I put the cloth - water and all - on one of my pillows, pressed my face into the pillow so the cold water was bathing the section over my brow that was throbbing the worst, and finally managed to fall asleep. BUT then around 11 my grandparents turned up and I had to get up and get dressed. More painkillers and two and a half hours later and I went back to bed until 5.

Last night it was finally starting to ease up, although it's still throbbing a bit in the same spot today. At least it's not a full on migraine.

In the end, even though I didn't go over calories yesterday, I still didn't lose any today. Sigh.

So total loss so far is 1.4lbs - which isn't TOO bad I suppose since it still averages to half a pound a day, right?

Oh yeah, and it was my mom's birthday yesterday and when I spoke to her on the phone in the evening she was depressed and in tears. My grandmother had forgot her own daughter's birthday, and nobody over there was acting like they gave half a shit. She had to go out and buy stuff to cook dinner for her husband and my brother. My stepdad went out to get her a card while I was on the phone with her. No presents.

Yeah, happy fucking birthday.

I hope you guys had a better weekend than I did =/

Vee xox

Huzzah!

2009-08-14T15:14:00.003+01:00

Rachel B and Hanz have decided to join in on the 10lbs-in-14-days challenge. Good luck to you both =] <3

So far today has gone well. 2 cups of green tea, two cups of water (I'm bad at trying to stay hydrated, SIGH), and a plain baked potato with a tiny amount of low-fat spread and some salt. Salt makes you retain water, but I have to admit I love salty food and have it on very nearly everything. And it was so nice. Usually the potatoes here are horrible and hard but today it was cooked and nice and soft so it was like guilt-free mashed potato (as in, no milk and butter lol).

So that's about 170 calories. Which leaves me 330. Minus 220 for my frozen meal when I Get home, I have 110 to play with. I'll probably have some strawberries for a little dessert.

Yay!

This little challenge has totally helped me out, I feel so much more motivated today than I have in ages (a couple nights ago, I turned into a total bingey monster, and gained a pound yesterday morning. But this morning that pound was gone thank god!). And I'm actually enjoying this again. The feeling of hunger is hurting so good.

Best of luck to all the bodacious babes who are taking part in this with me and K. =]

10lbs in 2 Weeks

2009-08-14T10:37:00.003+01:00

Made a pact with my friend K that we're going to restrict together (sub500) and drop 10lbs by the 28th (which is when I go to Canada). 10lbs in 14 days. We can do this.

I need to try to set myself more short-term goals, it's more motivating to go for a week and hit a small goal than try to hit that big goal and it taking ages to get there, which sucks.

So I WILL be back under 200 by the time I leave for Canada!

Anyone else want to join in on the fun? =]

Replies To Comments

2009-08-12T11:23:00.006+01:00

It's been so long that instead of going through my comments and replying there, I'm going to reply here to make sure y'all see it haha. Also, I've seen others using this format and I think I like it.

So, here goes. Sorry if it's confusing, I'm replying to everyone's comments at once so I hope you remember what you said ^.^

EDIT: OH MY GOD THERE ARE SO MANY. Sorry. Just so you know I'm replying in reverse order, in paragraph-form. I hope that helps keep things straight, this is turning into a mess lol. This is what I get for neglecting comments for two weeks =/

@xthinforever: My aunt is doing well, thanks! She's started driving already, wheras J had to take a good few weeks off. She's healing a lot better than J did so far. Still bad news on the fluorescents, although they're off today thank fuck!

Haha dude, I have such a high libido, it's ridiculous. But I haven't gotten any in over a year and a half >.<

Luckily my stress over my aunt at the hospital was unfounded. It turns out her fever is just from her generic all-the-time night-sweats so it was nothing to be concerned about. But, I tend to stress out over absolutely nothing, it's not a good thing.

Ugh starting a day off immediately being pissed off is not good. My whole day sucked after that.

@Dot: Haha yeah the "more rest" never happened. Migraines at work at just making my sleeping situation even worse right now.

Haha if he calls. Also, he's just moved BACK to Australia so I'm kinda doubting that he'll be around anytime soon =/

Thanks hun, luckily my aunt is doing okay. But unfortunately the weight hasn't dropped off like I'd hoped. When I stress out my weight loss slows for some retarded reason, and like I said in my previous post I upped my calorie intake a little, which meant I basically just stayed the same. Damnit. It'll be gone soon though! =]

Ooh, I will email you the link as soon as I finish with this =]

Measurements are definitely coming soon! Once I find my measuring tape! Now is probably a good time to post it too because right now I'm pretty high so it'll be a good starting-point to measure my progress against.

FOAM CUPS ARE MADE OF FAIL. Seriously, that one little thing made me not even want to go out, it was so horrible. I DEFINITELY need a shopping spree, but I've been putting it off until I go to Canada. Only, now it's looking like I'll have barely lost anything so I'm not convinced it's worth buying a load of clothes there that will (hopefully) be too big for me in a couple of months. Although I'll probably buy something like a really nice pair of jeans in a couple sized smaller and make it my goal to fit into them by the time I go to Cancun ^.^ Haha girl, I love the rain too, just not when it's ALL THE TIME. We literally just had about 3 days where it was really nice and sunny out, and now it's back to rain. So seriously, I get 3 days of summer haha. And then people wonder why I'm so god damn pale! (although I LIKE being pale and people don't get that).

I just realized that I already commented back to that last one Dot, sorry haha. YOU GET MOAR.

@Samantha: Haha that's so random. Clearly, I have some kind of intense psychic ability... to inflict others with my badness lol.

@Ana's Girl: The Aussie accent was totally hot. I mean, I live in England so there are accents all over the place, but because I live in Yorkshire a lot of people have really broad, horrible, hobo-sounding acents and it is not goooood =///

Being on the phone suuucks. Luckily I've only got one more Phone day before I go to Canada for two weeks. So, next Thursday, if you call a pension company in the UK and get a girl with an American-sounding accent, it's probably me ;]

Haha thanks about the writing dealie... When I first wrote it I loved it but now I'm not so sure, it seems a little slow and all-over-theplace. We'll see ^.^

@skinnybysiness: Thanks for the comment on my writing ^.^ Hopefully I'll get some time to actually work on it...

@Carmen: Honestly, I think you're right. I tend to get caught up in descriptions and character-introspection that I can tend to forget to "keep the ball rolling" haha. Definitely something I'll need to work at.

@sadhana: Well, if you get a chance to read it let me know what you think =] I'm always looking for constructive criticism. And, as to my blogs, this is probably the best one to follow. Champagne Petals is kind of a side-project where I'm trying to compile a compendium of ED-Friendly cooking and recipes and foods. It's slow-going right now but when I get the time I've got a ton to add on to it.

@SophiaRuins: Luckily the "family meals" thing isn't being enforced now. My aunt said to J that I'll be "doing my own thing" with my diet and if we do have a group meal it'll only be every once in a while. That's something I can live with, more than "every day we take turns." Eff that.

WOW THAT WAS LONG.

I also had two comments from a new follower who told me she was reading my blog from the start. HI TO YOU! Sorry I didn't reply to your comments here, because I'm an idiot I approved the comments before I checked where they were at and now I can't find the posts to reply. I'm going to have a look and see if I can find them now though haha.

<3

Time, Rolling Along With The Waves

2009-08-12T09:47:00.002+01:00

So, once again I need to apologise for not being around much. Work has been ridiculously busy, and isn't aided by the fact that a girl in my team (we'll call her LW) has started talking to me, but when she does she DOES NOT EVER STOP.

I was a little ahead of my work, I went to print my last letter of the day at 3:15, leaving me a good 45 minutes to blog and catch up before I could go home. Except, she picked up a letter from the printer at the same time and started talking. I kept trying to interject to say "Well, I'd better get back to work" but it just didn't happen. Until 3:55 when I finally said "Dude, I'm leaving in 5 minutes, I've gotta go."

Then yesterday, I'd literally just brought up my web browser and she came over to my desk to chat for another 45 minutes. It might have been longer actually, I don't remember. It's a wonder we didn't get shouted at (I mean, my stats are great, so I guess I wouldn't really get in trouble anyway). When I move to the new desk, there's a strong chance it will be worse, as she'll be sitting directly behind me but up one desk - so diagonally kind of. Right now, she's at the opposite end of the office. Lord help me.

She's really nice and I like her (and my GOD is she skinny, she is total fucking thinspo every damn day) but my goodness the girl can talkkkk haha.

Anyway, onto updates.

In the past week (or, god, has it been nearly 2??) I've manged to gain another pound, and am down half a pound today. So I'm still a little up, but it could be worse. I'm getting down because I've lost like NO weight so I'll still be a huge fucking cow when I go to Canada, and suddenly I'm notsomuch looking forward to shopping (except I WILL be doing clothes-hair-skincare-etc shopping with N). Sigh. This past week has been random. I upped my calorie intake a little to keep my metabolism running, but stayed under 1000 every day. Yet still gained a pound (which is now down to a half, thank god). But, I tend to plateau when I'm stressed, and the past week I've been stressed to hell. Work, home, being absolutely fucking exhausted...

I now have to walk home from my bus stop after work (so after a total of two to two-and-a-half hours bus journey to and from, plus 7-9 hours at work), which is good and bad. Good because it is exercise but bad because it's always right after I've spent a good hour trying not to fall asleep on my bus. I swear to god I actually dozed off yesterday and was jolted awake when the driver slammed on his brakes to avoid hitting some little retard. And the walk is 20-25 minutes, uphill the entire way. My calves ache like hell this morning from the walk, which is mostly a good thing, except that the right on is also cramping and that is bad. I'm already so tired right now, the weather is shit, my back and all of the muscles in my neck are aching from stress and exhaustion, I can seriously barely keep my eyes open right now and it's 10:45 in the morning... And I know I have that walk ahead of me.

And girls, right now it feels so daunting. All I want to do is curl up and sleep but I can't. I can't relax. There's always something.

At least it's forcing my lazy ass to get some exercise though, right?

Food plan right now is, from today, pushing lower again. Lunch is a 10 calorie soup, and to be honest I don't even particularly want it right now. I feel like most of me is still asleep, including my digestive system, and it doesn't want to be woken up. But I should probably get something to drink at some point anyway and it might as well be chicken flavoured. Tonight I'll have my 220 calorie Shepherd's Pie and that should be it for the day.

Although realistically, I could just go home and straight to bed and try to relax and get some fucking sleep. We'll see.

Sidenote: at the cinema on Monday night (we went to see Orphan - SO GOOD, although nearish to the beginning I had an inkling of what the surprise would be, and was glad that I was half-right but that they did it REALISTICALLY instead of throwing bullshit all over the place like most movies do), my aunt was stressing about how she thinks she's overeating. To put this in perspective, what she had all day:

Breakfast: 1/2 a weetabix with a little milk
Lunch: 100 calorie tomato cup-a-soup
Dinner: A bowl of some manner of soup that J made for them.
Snack: a handful of Ritz crackers

I was like "Dude.....you are not overeating. If that's all I ate in a day you would shout at me."

I think because she's had a different surgery from J and H, and it's more possible for her to overeat, she's therefore convinced that she IS overeating. And I'm like... chill.

I dunno, anyway, I need to get back to work. And try not to pass out. I AM SO TIRED, and I'm so sore all over. My sore neck is making my head hurt >.<

Horribleness

2009-08-06T15:40:00.000+01:00

Ugh my head is hurting so might right now. All the fluorescent lights have been turned on above me and I can't turn them off. My head is throbbing and my eyes are bleary and most of all I feel sick and nauseous and super hot. An hour and 20 minutes to go. Home free.

My aunt's at home now.

Sorry for the sporatic posting this week. It's just been hectic and I've been exhausted with the long days and hospital visits. Now that she's home and I can go straight home and sleep instead of having to go to a hospital until 9pm I should have a little more gusto to get shit done and therefore have some free time to blog it up.

Wishing you all the best!

Comments-back to follow

Vee xox

Mmm

2009-08-05T12:51:00.001+01:00

Just had a call from a client who just moved back home to Australia and had some questions on transferring his pension... And he had a super sexy accent. Yum yum, yes please!

I so badly need to get laid.